Archive | War Zone

Batshit Woo Peddler John Kerry Declares War on Lord Xenu

Batshit Woo Peddler John Kerry Declares War on Lord Xenu

John Kerry is a man of the world, but now his flip-flopping has soared astronomically, to the point where it’s on a genuinely cosmic scale.

Yes: no longer content with threatening the leaders of weak, divided countries in the Middle East with abject destruction, Kerry is turning his achingly dynamic turrets on a higher target:

Lord Xenu!

So, let’s see where we go with this one.

I guess, from one perspective, it’s perfectly true to say that Lord Xenu is an absolutely batshit loony idea dreamed up by a freaking wackjob-catastrophe failed cosmic Popeye wannabe with a fucking idiotic sailor’s hat that belongs on a rejected video-only episode of Ron Jeremy and His Cosmic Ass-Riggers! So why should we give a rat’s ass about what these ridiculous kooky-cluster-fuckers even think about us, anyway?

Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Empire Danger! High Bombers! (Song Parody: With Apologies to Electric Six!)

Empire Danger! High Bombers! (Song Parody: With Apologies to Electric Six!)

Firebombs in Baghdad!

Fire in the Middle East!

 

Firebombs in Damascus!

Fire rages from the horny beast!

 

Don’t you want to know how to set kids on fire?

It’s my desire, I’m a Tory liar! Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Music, War Zone0 Comments

Noël Coward Parody: Don’t Let’s Be Beastly to Jihadists

Noël Coward Parody: Don’t Let’s Be Beastly to Jihadists

Noël Coward famously sang ‘Don’t Let’s be Beastly to the Germans!’ As always, the dour and humorless were not impressed.

Yeah, Daily Mail link… I know! How things change in a few decades! Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Music, War Zone0 Comments

US: ISIS Must Sign TTIP “Or Else!”

US: ISIS Must Sign TTIP “Or Else!”

WASHINGTON – U.S. State Department spokesman Milo Minderbinder announced today that ISIS must sign the TTIP [Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership] treaty by year’s end “or else we will retaliate with extreme prejudice. All options are on the table!”
“Terrorist organizations that control substantial assets, such as oil, should not be exempt from TTIP just because they are not recognized nation-states. TTIP is about promoting free trade, a goal that I’m sure that terrorists who specialize in decapitation videos can appreciate,” Minderbinder stated. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Biz News, Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Bono: ‘Concert in Syria? Over My Dead Body, Lad!’

Bono: ‘Concert in Syria? Over My Dead Body, Lad!’

For some time now, people have been wondering whether Bono will be jetting off to Syria and Iraq, in order to single-handedly deliver the beleaguered citizens of these countries from the perils of war.

But he’s not having it!

C’mon lad! Just give us some bloody innovation, would ya? Not going to perform nothing in Syria, so I’m not.

Sure who cares about all this here about embattled autocratic leaders and beleaguered states struggling to find a common life amid the turmoil of age-old religious conflict? Sure if I wanted any of that there, I could just take a quick hike up North! Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Music, War Zone0 Comments

Welcome to Satirical-Industrial Complex (See also New Hub Site!)

Welcome to Satirical-Industrial Complex (See also New Hub Site!)

After Neocon Surveillance and Neocon Surveillance Network, meet Satirical-Industrial Complex!

These three sites make up the Peace Criminals website trilogy (or triptych!), for which there is now a new, fairly static ‘hub’ site, which acts as a signpost to the three sites.

NS is the general critique and commentary site; it also includes opportunities for art, e.g. painting, poetry, fake news satire, other short fiction. Critique and commentary can either be satirical or ‘prose’ (i.e. solemn) commentary.

NSN is the general ‘news data’ site. Rather than polemical commentary, it provides information on anti-war protests, anniversaries, obituaries, and other factual info.

Obviously, the distinction between ‘news data’ and ‘news commentary and art’ is not absolute, but I think it’s fairly intuitive nonetheless. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone0 Comments

Song Parody: Gimme Gimme Gimme Jihad After Midnight

Song Parody: Gimme Gimme Gimme Jihad After Midnight

Just past prayers
And I’m watching haram movies in my flat all alone
How I hate to make this Dua on my own
Howling winds
Blowing outside my bowels as I munch some shrooms
And it makes me really want to make a boom

My soul is nearly there
I grunt and offer up a prayer
I twitch my brow like Tony Blairrrrr!

Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
Won’t somebody help me blast the kafrs away
Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
End Satan’s reign of terror, begin the Caliphate’s day

Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
Won’t somebody help me blast the kafrs away
Gimme gimme gimme jihad after midnight
I’m so sick of this oppression from the Jews and the gays Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Music, War Zone0 Comments

Radical Feminists Thwart Hillary’s ‘Fauxfem’ Campaign for Commander-in-Chief

Radical Feminists Thwart Hillary’s ‘Fauxfem’ Campaign for Commander-in-Chief

The Democratic Party have dismissed as ‘unjustifiably and unnecessarily contrarian’ a feminist blog which threatened to expose what the writers are calling the ‘faux-feminist’ prospects of a liberal Clinton Presidency.

The culprits have recently posted the following article:

 Clinton Dynasty or Limpet Dynasty? 

The only hope Hillary Clinton offers to women is the hope of ‘progressing’ to be a second-rate Bush or Obama or LBJ or Nixon.

If you’re saying all American women can hope and aspire to, is merely being the next Hillary, you’re trying to consign entire generations of women to an appalling fate. American women have too much intelligence, creativity and character to submit to endorsing the myth of Clinton Mobility. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Neocon Surveillance & Neocon Surveillance Network are Now Online: Critique, Commentary & Satire!

Neocon Surveillance & Neocon Surveillance Network are Now Online: Critique, Commentary & Satire!

Wallace Runnymede and Appleseed Ike have recently launched Neocon Surveillance and Neocon Surveillance Network! These two anti-war and pro-peace sites provide both prose commentary and satire, in order severely and indeed mercilessly critique the current Neocon/Liberal Interventionist consensus.

A. Neocon Surveillance Network provides some basic factual data, e.g. free advertizing opportunities, news of protests, and information on anniversaries related to war and peace.

B. Neocon Surveillance, the key website of the two, is an uncompromisingly contrarian and dissident grassroots blogging outlet. As strong believers in self-criticism among pacifists and non-interventionists, a non-negotiable aspect of our critical responsibility is to explore faults in anti-war movements, organizations, texts, works of arts and individuals; rather than merely criticizing warmongers and their apologists alone. For this reason, we explicitly repudiate far-left and far-right ‘anti-war’ ideology alike.

In this spirit, we are looking for more centre-left and centre-right people (either pacifists or non-interventionists) to join our team: please email wallacerunnymede@gmail.com or appleseedike@gmail.com. If you are not sure if we are for you, or vice versa, please email us anyway, and we can discuss your possible contributions to our cause. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone1 Comment

Pre-launch of  ‘Neocon Surveillance’ Site Jan 21! Plus Another War & Peace Story on Glossy News…

Pre-launch of ‘Neocon Surveillance’ Site Jan 21! Plus Another War & Peace Story on Glossy News…

The pre-launch for Neocon Surveillance has just been accomplished! The site can be found here: http://neoconsurveillance.blogspot.co.uk/

This site is devoted to mainstream (centre left through centre right, or vice versa!) critique and satire of neoconservativism, liberal interventionism, responsibility to protect, and general self-serving warmongering and opportunism. If you wish to write for this site, please drop your co-irritants a line: wallacerunnymede@gmail.com, appleseedike@gmail.com

Better still, Jan 21 is just the preliminary pre-launch, to give a taster of the site. The full launch will be on 1 March 2016, with a wide array of articles! In terms of genres and styles, we will be very pluralistic: opinion pieces, fake news, poetry, cartoons, personal reflections, and more! We are open to a wide range of contributions. If you are not sure, just ask! We are very open-minded in general about genres and styles, as well as about opinions, although in order to maintain the quite specific character and integrity of the site, we do ask that contributors are committed to either pacifism or non-interventionism. (Both are equally suitable for our purposes here at Neocon Surveillance. Again, if you aren’t sure what this might entail, just ask!)

See also the companion site, http://neoconsurveillancenetwork.blogspot.co.uk/ Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Internets Tubes, Top Stories, War Zone0 Comments

Sole Survivor of a Flurry of Mass Shootings Opposes Firearms Regulation

Sole Survivor of a Flurry of Mass Shootings Opposes Firearms Regulation

Even as the rate of all other gun-related crimes had been decreasing in the United States for decades, the rate of mass shootings had steadily increased as gun show loopholes were found to circumvent bans on assault rifles, mental health centers were defunded by the government, and the NRA captured both political parties. Experts on television declared that the solution to massacres in movie theaters was to add more guns to theaters; to slaughters in malls, it was to add more guns to malls; and to school shootings, it was to add more guns to schools. Soon enough, the United States was overflowing with guns.

And Americans were angry, very angry, because their political system was corrupt and unresponsive to the plight of the middle class and the poor. Both parties had catered to the wealthy business elites in exchange for their campaign contributions and for cushy jobs in the private sector. The combination of mass resentment and rage together with millions upon millions of state-of-the-art firearms boded ill for the nation’s survival.

In 2017, Texas alone sustained 362 mass shootings. The survivors fled the state, leaving it barren, but there was no escape. New Mexico, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and all the other southern states erupted in gunfire as the mentally deranged, the marginalized, and the dispossessed as well as the jihadist terrorists vented their frustrations by spraying bullets in crowded places. Militarized police forces were deployed and demonized by fear-mongering right-wingers who awaited the prophesied End of Days. Militias went to war against the police, eventually leaving the southern states desolate and bereft of human inhabitants.

Liberal lawmakers took the loss of the southern half of their country as an opportunity to push for mild gun control laws, but they were ousted from office by NRA-backed candidates who merely had to call the liberals “communists” to win popular support even as the voters were cut down by hooligans’ gunfire soon after leaving the voting booth.

Again, the survivors fled to the north, but the northerners found they had to arm themselves or be shot to pieces by the traumatized southerners. Through 2019 the mass shootings continued and looked increasingly like a civil war.

In 2020, the U.S. population dropped to around 100,000 proud, patriotic Americans.

Before the government fell, Congress again debated whether to regulate the shrunken gun industry that was still pumping out firearms and selling them to the beleaguered remnants of American civilization. Congress decided against halting the nation’s impending collapse, insisting that the Founders had been rabid anarchists who intended for the country to resemble not fattened, spoiled Middle America but something like the Wild West which was truly the land of the free and the home of the brave.

As one Republican representative said, “The Founding Fathers upheld everyone’s right to bear arms for the purpose of stocking a militia. A militia has to be powerful enough to take down the government if the government should fail to uphold the law. Therefore, every American citizen has the right to carry even weapons of mass destruction to keep the government in check.”

Cosmopolitan Americans from abroad rushed home to attempt to salvage their nation, but were cut down by gunfire soon after stepping off the tarmac.

Canada and Mexico, too, moved into American territory and were promptly blasted en masse by Americans boasting the latest in military hardware. Thereafter, foreigners kept their distance.

When survivors in Montana realized that the government had neglected in their last firearms bill to allow for the sale of newly-designed magazines capable of carrying 400 rounds of ammunition, they nuked Washington D.C., rendering the country lawless.

In 2021, after a series of further mass shootings, there were only twelve Americans left alive. Six of the survivors engaged in a Mexican standoff over a dispute about who spilled beer on the shoe of whom. All six pulled their triggers and died in a hail of bullets.

The remaining five Americans deemed it wise to spread themselves out across the land to keep alive the American Dream. One, however, Howard Derringer, was mentally ill and hunted down the others, executing them with an assortment of submachine guns until only two Americans remained: Derringer and a former bus driver named Mark McEwan.

Before Derringer could locate and shoot McEwan, Derringer succumbed to an unknown ailment in 2023.

Mark McEwan was the sole survivor of American freedom. A peaceable man, McEwan allowed foreigners to observe his actions without launching a crazed assault on them.

He spent the bulk of his time agonizing over whether to impose restrictions on the use of firearms. One day, standing before a mirror, he gave a speech to himself.

“I speak to you today as president of this great nation,” he said, “having just voted for myself last week. I speak to you also as someone who is terribly thirsty. There’s no water for miles. Aside from that, I feel it’s incumbent on me to take up the issue of arms control. There’s no NRA anymore, so passing a ban on assault rifles would be feasible. I could throw all the long guns I see into a river.

“But as the last American, I also feel I have a duty to honour the American spirit. For that reason, I’ve decided not to control the use of firearms. Instead, I’ll shoot this sonuvabitch, blowing my brains out with a Colt M4 carbine. Let the blessed guns inherit the earth.”

With the loss of Mark McEwan and of the United States, China became the world’s largest gun manufacturer. In 2025, China annexed what had hitherto been the American heartland, honouring those previous generations of brave American souls who had eked out a living under the constant threat of being shot like a Third World dog in the streets, by turning that territory into a giant gun manufacturing facility.

Share

Posted in Crime, War Zone12 Comments

The NRA Changes Its Name To ‘Jihadist Rifle Association’ Because That is Where The Money Is Now.

The NRA Changes Its Name To ‘Jihadist Rifle Association’ Because That is Where The Money Is Now.

The National Rifle Association, smelling a chance to increase its profits and its membership, has decided to follow the money and change their name to ‘Jihadist Rifle Association’ instead.

The NRA, long a secret backer of any American tragedy that results in opulent amounts of carnage and bloodshed which stimulates greater gun sales, has finally realized that the real profits are in supplying guns to the Muslim extremists who seem to be gaining in popularity and influence not only in the Middle East but throughout the world.

Scores of U.S., European, African and Asiatic individuals are running to Syria to join ISIS which has become the Mecca for those seeking a little excitement and purpose in life and to piss off their parents. Now after the Paris and San Bernardino attacks the ISIS brand seems to be the biggest gun market in the world. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone0 Comments

9/12/2001 –  The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Iraq Part 18

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Iraq Part 18

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED
Iraq
Part 18

(A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

– – – – – – – – – – –

SECTION 3

It was a glorious morning to be out in the marshes. There was still a leftover crispness in the air that the mounting sun was slowly disintegrating. Canadian geese could be heard honking as they flapped overhead. The only sounds not of Nature itself were the muted sounds of autos making their way up the highway miles away. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Serious Commentary, War Zone0 Comments

Cuddly Kitten It’sNoCan’t Invents Funny Tales to Amuse Children (Story 2)

Note: I think the following story from an anonymous source is really rather foolish, trite and lacking in serious artistic maturity.

It is excessively fantastical, it is whimsical to the point of nonsensical, and quite frankly, I am tempted to say that the author has all but wasted their time.

I do not see anything in this story other than nonsensical tomfoolery, and a pseudo-artistry which borders on the idiotic. Still, I have decided to print it anyway. See the following link:

http://glossynews.com/society/kids-zone/201511040300/funny-cat-story-explanation-more-sensible-than-the-story/

http://glossynews.com/top-stories/get-your-war-on/201511050200/cuddly-kitten-itsnocant-invents-funny-tales-to-amuse-children-story-1/

Continued from last time:

With a most congenial purr of satisfaction, It’sNoCan’t said: Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Kidz Zone, War Zone0 Comments

Cuddly Kitten It’sNoCan’t Invents Funny Tales to Amuse Children (Story 1)

Note: I think the following story from an anonymous source is really rather foolish, trite and lacking in serious artistic maturity.

It is excessively fantastical, it is whimsical to the point of nonsensical, and quite frankly, I am tempted to say that the author has all but wasted their time.

I do not see anything in this story other than nonsensical tomfoolery, and a pseudo-artistry which borders on the idiotic. Still, I have decided to print it anyway. See the following link:

http://glossynews.com/society/kids-zone/201511040300/funny-cat-story-explanation-more-sensible-than-the-story/

Critic of feral kitty-kats, non amateur-naughty-story-theorist & professional (-ish!) moderate-political-storyteller Prim-Prim ‘Tall Story’ It’sNoCan’t…

Has recently joked that mutual enemies the Iguana Statists, the Cheeky Cuckoos and the Southpaw Cats Information Agency temporarily put aside their differences recently, and staged the Grand(-iloquently Silly) Funny Street Furfight Massacre. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Kidz Zone, War Zone0 Comments

WikiLeaks Gets An Inside Look At Assad’s “Historic” Meeting With Putin

WikiLeaks Gets An Inside Look At Assad’s “Historic” Meeting With Putin

The famed web expose site WikiLeaks scored a mammoth coup this week with its hidden camera surveillance of the Assad/Putin meeting in Moscow.

The leader of Syria and the President of Russia were presumably meeting to discuss their mutual concerns about the rebellion in Syria. The hidden tapes revealed much more than that.

The following is a direct transcript of the meeting of the two dictators translated into English: Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Strange People, War Zone0 Comments

Page 1 of 1312345...10...Last »
Glossy News Podcast



(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

1 post


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial