Archive | War Zone

Glossy News Classics IX: Kilroy’s “ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market”

Glossy News Classics IX: Kilroy’s “ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market”

ISIS is reported to be using old established oil smuggling routes to sell oil on the black market for millions of dollars. While that certainly is a lot of money, it is insignificant compared to the market they are currently tapping. Comics.

While CIA analysts concede that ISIS is the best funded, most sophistocated terror network the world has ever seen, they conclude, “They ain’t Hydra.” This may appear reassuring, but when one considers the fact that Hydra does not exist and ISIS does, it brings into question the CIA’s grip on reality. Then things got weirder. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

Don’t Be Ungrateful to the Clintons!

Don’t Be Ungrateful to the Clintons!

What have the Clintons ever done for me?

Well, they carved up Yugoslavia and turned their artificial sub-Soviet statelet ‘Kosovo’ into a haven for ISIS choppers.

Yeah but what have they really done for me? Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Salon Slam Slanderous Syrian Smearwork, Big Up Blair

Salon Slam Slanderous Syrian Smearwork, Big Up Blair

Recently, we discussed a leaked Syrian intel document. It turns out that the UK government and the Tony Blair Faith Foundation have all been identified as violent extremists.

However, notable champagne socialist and latte liberal rag Salon objects strongly to this “hideous misrepresentation of the tragically beleaguered and oppressed humanitarian interventionist community.”

One radical Salonista tear-jerkingly (not to say circle-jerkingly!) notes: Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Syrian Intel Identify UK Gov, Tony Blair Charity as ‘Violent Extremists’

Syrian Intel Identify UK Gov, Tony Blair Charity as ‘Violent Extremists’

Syrian is currently in the middle of a fairly brutal and bloody civil war.

And yet, Syrian intelligence have still managed to find the time to pompously moralize and point the finger at some of the innumerable vicious and dangerous out-for-blood extremists and fanatics who, they claim, are trying to subvert and ultimately destroy their country.

A recent Wikileak from the Damascus authorities contains the following indictment of some rather familiar faces: Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas

U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas

If you haven’t entered a department store since early October, local man Skip Peters thinks you may be in for a shock. “Not one employee will wish you a merry Christmas,” he claims.

According to Peters, stores across the country have boxed up the lawn inflatables and dancing Santas, along with their holiday cheer. What started as a protest by Starbucks has quickly spread across the nation.

As Peters puts it, “They’ve stolen the joy from young and old alike.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Glossy News Book Showcase 4: Laurie Calhoun’s We Kill Because We Can!

Glossy News Book Showcase 4: Laurie Calhoun’s We Kill Because We Can!

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

I am here reproducing some quotes relating to Laurie’s book. I have edited the following text from an existing promotional text.

What people are saying about We Kill Because We Can:

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, War Zone0 Comments

The Paris Tragedies

The Paris Tragedies

Note from Wallace:

This essay from Appleseed Ike appeared very early in the history of the Neocon Surveillance site, and the Peace Criminals Project more generally.

These meditations are particularly poignant in light of further terrorist tragedies and atrocities in recent times, including Berlin.

Thank you, Ike! Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

The Jig is Up: Just War Theory Can No Longer Be Used as a Cover for State Policies of Mass Homicide

The Jig is Up: Just War Theory Can No Longer Be Used as a Cover for State Policies of Mass Homicide

For more than fifteen years—a sizeable chunk of my adult life—I have been criticizing the just war paradigm which has undergirded calls for war by the leaders of states for centuries. My first essay on the topic was published in 2000: “The Injustice of Just Wars,” but that was only the beginning. I also published essays on “legitimate authority”, the dehumanization of soldiers in the just war framework, the “metaethical paradox” of just war theory, the incompatibility of universal human rights with just war theory, and so-called “humanitarian intervention”, which is even more hawkish than the traditional framework, insisting as it does on the necessity–rather than the permissibility–of going to war (see publications list). Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary, War Zone0 Comments

NASTY Politician Memes

NASTY Politician Memes

War in Yemen, William Hague, Dick Cheney, Samantha Power, Obama…

Gotta love these guys! Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Glossy News Classics (III): Kilroy’s ‘4 Out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit to Liking Dick’

Glossy News Classics (III): Kilroy’s ‘4 Out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit to Liking Dick’

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Some satire is refined, sophisticated, and classy; see, for example, The Satirist of Dan Geddes. 

But sometimes, you can’t be arsed with a steak filet, and you just want a nice, greasy, roadkill hamburger!

I hope you will perceive this as one of the most pointedly prominent Dick jokes in the history of the satire media!

And another article tomorrow will point you to some more of them…

***

Support for Dick Cheney and former President George Bush to be prosecuted for torture appear to have fallen faster than an erection in Hillary Clinton’s presence according to inside sources. Continue Reading

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Posted in Top Stories, War Zone4 Comments

Good Kill: A Good Anti-Recruitment Movie

Good Kill: A Good Anti-Recruitment Movie

Good Kill (US release 2015), directed by Andrew Niccol, offers a somewhat surprising view of what has come to be known as “modern warfare”, focusing on the plight of drone operators who spend their work days at Creech Air Force Base “taking pot shots half a world away in an air conditioned cubicle”. Heavily and obviously based on the testimony of former drone operators, the film has been criticized by some for lacking in entertainment value. Given the gravity of this disturbing development in military history, such a criticism seems somehow misplaced, but it is also understandable. Even those of us who appreciate its filmic virtues can scarcely deny that Good Kill is considerably more didactic than most action films. However, it is more professorial than preachy, offering a competent introduction to the moral issues raised by drone warfare for those who never thought about the topic before. Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures, War Zone0 Comments

Gone But Not Forgotten! John Kerry Meme Tribute

Gone But Not Forgotten! John Kerry Meme Tribute

 The High Sultan of Flip-Flop will soon shuffle mournfully off the political scene. But let’s remember some of the highlights of John Kerry’s career.

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

An ‘Inconvenient’ Parable

An ‘Inconvenient’ Parable

I wish Tony Blair would just go away.

He’s like a clingy one night stand that keeps calling you up every now and then at 3 am, completely out of the blue, in order to tell you who much he loves you and giving you unsolicited advice about how to live your life and manage your affairs! Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

4 More Reasons Why YOU Should Join ISIS!

4 More Reasons Why YOU Should Join ISIS!

A lot of people were offended by the recent Ten Great Reasons to Join ISIS article by Kilroy.
I found myself at a bit of a loss to write an even edgier article.
However, help is at hand!
Notable Moderate Political Islamist Teddy Ramallah of Cowbridge University has asked me to forward this ISIS recruitment advert to you.
I’m all for tolerance and respecting the sincerely held beliefs of others; diversity is our greatest strength, and as we all share a common humanity, I’m going to respect Teddy Ramallah’s ideological and ethical diversity, just like you ought to respect mine.
We’re all in this together… so, here we go!

#1 License to Kill & Be Killed (Just Like James Bond!)

I mean, I know bitches look down on you and all them white-ass hos don’t give you no pussy. Why don’t you actually get a bit classy so those prissy kafffir girls are actually eating out of your jihadi-bride-whacking fistifcuffs?

#2 No Muh Peer Pressure to Read

I mean, who actually LIKES reading? A lot of jihadists are very intelligent anyway, like Imam Khomeini (peace and blessings of the Dean be upon him), who wrote an entire several-volume book about chicken-fucking and marrying kids. So dump that stupid jaheel college of yours and learn that you actually have something constructive to do in this world. I mean, I can already see you are a better fit here, than there!

 #3 ISIS are anti-imperialists

Iraq and Syria and other apostate countries were carved up from the fall of the Ottoman empire. If you oppose an empire, you are an anti-imperialist! By definition! I mean, how much simpler do I have to say it?

#4 ISIS are Radical Cosmopolitans with a Global Outlook

All we want to do is to abolish all those arbitrary national boundaries that divide and alienate and that capitalists are always taking advantage of in order to oppress and exploit the innocent.
Unlike the racists and nationalists of America, our only desire is to reunited the world and bring about one common humanity and one single global village in peace and universal brotherhood. How many liberal interventionist or neocon infidels have you ever heard saying that?!

***

#HASHTAG

#SORRYIFYOUWEREOFFENDED

#IMEANIHAVEJIHADIFRIENDS

#ONLYACOUPLEMIND

#WELLDEARMEPEOPLEREALLYARESOSENSITIVENOWADAYSARENTTHEY

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Have You Ever Thought About Joining ISIS?

Have You Ever Thought About Joining ISIS?

NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE:

We rarely republish pieces at Glossy News, even though the ‘Glossy News Classics’ occasional series will feature some great work from our back catalogue. But this recent piece was so hilarious, we are publishing it again! And a couple of minutes, my humble follow-up will appear here at Glossy News. I am afraid it cannot measure up to Kilroy’s great story here: but hopefully both pieces will be very enjoyable…

And thought-provoking!

Now, what on earth did I mean by that…

!

***

Greetings and salutations dysfunctional Western youth. God is great and so are you! We are ISIS and we are looking for a few good martyrs! Are you that special person who is destined to do great things for a great cause? Then we’re looking for you. Yes you! No, not you, the guy behind you. You there. You!

You didn’t stumble upon this website by accident. You were led here by a greater power. Isn’t that great? But enough polite western salutations and fragile ego stroking of weak infidels soon to die! Did we say that out loud? Sorry. Please allow us to to sing you a subliminal siren’s song about ten great reasons to join ISIS, with a Metallica sound track and nanosecond edited grotesque imagery at regular intervals.

1. Great Tax Breaks—As a member of ISIS you will no longer be required to pay taxes to the imperialist, godless devils of the United States of America. However we do require you make an occasional modest donation to the Martyr’s Fund, which we will use for hookers and booze right after you blow yourself up. Of course we realize such behavior makes us impure but we are willing to take one for the team. After all there is only so much room in Paradise.

2. Great Retirement Plan—Instead of the uncertainty that accompanies the economy you are currently enslaved to, ISIS provides a generous retirement plan for both you and your 72 virgins. Forget that pipe dream of ever owning an IRA and bingo on Wednesday nights… Tell McDonald’s to shove it and retire in the Gardens of Paradise with all of your friends. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Thanks for Following SIC October Surprise Data Dump! Next Stop: Blair Fawkes Night!

Thanks for Following SIC October Surprise Data Dump! Next Stop: Blair Fawkes Night!

Although the Peace Criminals Project (Wallace Runnymede) is separate from and indeed unaffiliated with Glossy News (Brian K. White), I play a substantial role in both of these separate projects. Recently here at Glossy News, I spoke of the Peace Criminals Project’s massive ‘October Surprise Data Dump’ at the Satirical-Industrial Complex (SIC) site.

What’s next? Well, November 5 is Guy Fawkes Night, here in the UK. So, in order to bestow a fitting tribute to the proverbial ‘only man to ever enter parliament with good intentions,’ I am running a ‘Blair Fawkes Night’ at SIC! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, War Zone0 Comments

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