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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – the Iraq Factor

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – the Iraq Factor

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – The Iraq Factor
(A serial book excerpt)
After President Bush is killed when Flight 93 strikes the White House on 9/11, Vice President Cheney ascends to the throne. Things begin to change quite radically:

READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.
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Part 7 – The Iraq Factor

McGurty was ushered into the office. Cheney stood up to meet him. Continue Reading

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U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies

U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies

Dateline: ARLINGTON COUNTY—American military officials order surgical attachment of American soldiers’ heads to the bodies of Iraqi soldiers to improve Iraq’s military training.

Prior efforts to train democratic Iraq’s military have been stymied. Instead of fighting Islamic State insurgents, Iraq’s soldiers became infamous for fleeing the battlefield, allowing waves of IS fighters to control key sectors of Iraq.

“The problem,” says U.S. General Buttercup, “was the training that had already been done not just in Iraq but throughout the Middle East. Those folks had trained for decades to be tribal theocrats, to be Sunni, Shia, and so on. Their traditions go back many centuries.

“For example, IS fighters are Sunni and most of Northern and Northwestern Iraq is also Sunni. Iraq’s government is dominated now by Shias, so the Sunni soldiers and tribesmen don’t want to fight fellow Sunnis. Nor do they want to fight for their Shia leaders.”

“It’s a case of a clash of indoctrinations,” says an American military psychologist. “Muslim sectarianism is deep-seated, because the Middle Eastern countries are tribal, meaning that from a very early age Muslims are taught to identify with only a subset of Muslims, not to mention other humans. That’s the start of their extensive training.

“Now Americans want to retrain Iraq’s soldiers’ to be liberal humanists, to see past their tribal and religious allegiances. Alas, each soldier has only one brain. American training techniques are unparalleled, but no matter how hard you train a brain that’s already been thoroughly trained to adhere to a vastly different mindset, you’ll run out of room in that brain to store your memes and mores.”

General Buttercup concurs with that analysis. “I told President Obama from the start,” says Buttercup. “We’ve got to give those already-trained Iraqis a second brain. Their brains were full of Muslim nonsense before Bush had invaded Iraq. We spent a decade and hundreds of millions of dollars training Iraq’s military to fight for Western values and interests. But how could even all of that overcome centuries of Middle Eastern history and tradition?

“It’s like flapping your arms to see if they’ll fly. No, it took millions of years of evolution to get them to work like arms rather than wings. You’re not going to overcome that anytime soon. But what if you could add wings to the human form? That’s what planes are for.”

For budgetary reasons, President Obama selected brains that have already been trained at world-renowned military bases in the United States. According to military sources, these soldiers’ sacrifice is part of the U.S. effort to win hearts and minds in the region.

“Their minds are opposed to ours,” says General Buttercup. “They’re Muslims and we’re Christians. They’re used to theocracies and dictatorships. We love our political and economic liberties. What we need is a meeting of minds, so we’re attaching hundreds of American military heads to Iraqi bodies.”

Instead of undoing Muslim and tribal indoctrinations, which would require beheading the Iraqis, the hope is that the new heads will compensate for the un-American worldview.

“We don’t do beheading. It’s just not in our playbook,” says Buttercup. “If we could train the Iraqis to be American by beheading them, believe me I’d be all for it. But I can’t go against my training.”

“No one trains harder than us,” says USMC Staff Sergeant Kyle Killsalot. “You just wouldn’t believe how hard I trained. If you asked my opinion of whether I approve of having my head surgically attached to an Iraqi soldier’s body, you wouldn’t get it. I have no independent opinions since I serve my military collective, my brothers in arms. Believe me, I’ll whip that Iraqi into shape and there will be no more running from insurgents. If he tries to run I’ll turn my head and spit in his eye.”

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Posted in Making Headlines, War Zone4 Comments

FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA president Sepp Blatter insists that he’s not using a fake name, but he also swears his sworn alliance to ISIS is likewise legitimate.

FIFA and ISIS. One is a ruthless, soulless dictatorship that destroys everything in its path and the other is an Islamic terrorist organization. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Scandals, War Zone3 Comments

Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (2/2)

Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (2/2)

No, look, look, let’s cut to the chase. This is a textbook example of deliberate smear tactics, a cynical, malicious, orchestrated campaign of personal vilification against some admittedly somewhat fallible individuals…

Who somehow, God forbid, DARED to presume to lack the all-seeing, pristinely perfect, absolutely comprehensive omniscience that their critics so unjustly demand of them… Continue Reading

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Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (1/2)

Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (1/2)

Tony Blair has recently made some perfectly reasonable and convincing revisionist comments on the mass atrocities committed in Germany in the 1930s and 1940s.

Well, when I say “perfectly reasonable and convincing,” that’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m not supposed to be reporting these comments…

So I’m actually doing you guys a favor! Continue Reading

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Obama/Bush’s 1000-fold Expansion of “International Community” Statelets (2/2)

Obama/Bush’s 1000-fold Expansion of “International Community” Statelets (2/2)

Earlier, President Obama introduced his plan to expand the International Community.

He briefly and compassionately considered Palestine, Vatican City, the future Greater Israel, China, Japan, Russia, EU, India…

But none of them meet the high standards of the Global Village Patriarchs. Continue Reading

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Obama/Bush’s 1000-fold Expansion of “International Community” Statelets (1/2)

Obama/Bush’s 1000-fold Expansion of “International Community” Statelets (1/2)

Malicious and insidious recalcitrationalists from Glossynews and other disreputable non-Fox/-MSBC media outlets have been ignorantly and brutally ridiculing The Universal Interest.

And it’s purely on these grounds, and not on account of any cynical or disingenuous motivation whatsoever…

That President Obama has held a press conference in Arkansas, in order to prove the general greater-goody-goodiness of The Greater Good, and the hyper-monopolistic “Ourness” of “Our Common Humanity.” Continue Reading

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David Cameron Apologises for “Humanitarian Caliphate” Smear

David Cameron Apologises for “Humanitarian Caliphate” Smear

David Cameron has been forced to make a humiliating climbdown, after incorrectly claiming that the Humanitarian Caliphate is an even better caliphate than the Daesh/IS/ISIS/ISIL/IKEA one.

Calm down dear; listen to what the Grand Physician says… sorry, I mean, “orders you to believe. ”

I only meant it in a flippant manner, not in a po-faced, dusty manner like the Kippers. My point was that we have a lot in common with ISIS, except we are even better. Continue Reading

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John Kerry Finally Gets Around to Threatening Glossynews (Syrian Cooking Pots!)

John Kerry Finally Gets Around to Threatening Glossynews (Syrian Cooking Pots!)

John Kerry has threatened the pitiful Unamerican/Uncosmopolitan “satire” outlet “Glossynews” with humanitarian annihilation, if we do not shape up.

Read the transcript, and promise me not to laugh. This shit is serious.

The illegitimate Glossynews editorial regime and its vicious hack collaborators, for too long, have defied the wrath of the International Community.

These despicable hooligans truly are “Sinners in the Hand of an Angry Military-Industrial Complex,” and it’s about time they started acting accountably. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone0 Comments

Obama: “ISIS Must Train Our Kids to Use Guns Responsibly”

Obama: “ISIS Must Train Our Kids to Use Guns Responsibly”

President Obama is concerned at the harsh stigma attached to militants of the Islamic State.

So he has some wise words for the more narrow-minded citizens, who take a merely partisan approach towards the Islamic State…

Now let me say this. The Islamic State, ISIS, ISIL, call it what you will (perhaps apart from the derogatory term “Daesh…”)

Yes, the Islamic State is a nation with whom we currently have some significant diplomatic obstacles, and breaks in the flow of communication. Continue Reading

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GlossyNews Scores Exclusive Interview w/ Vlad the Impaler Putin, Czar of Russia

GlossyNews Scores Exclusive Interview w/ Vlad the Impaler Putin, Czar of Russia

Glossy News has been fortunate enough to be granted an interview with Vladimir Putin, the leader of Russia, a man very much in the news these days.

It is not often that the Premier grants anyone from the West an exclusive interview, especially since he is not allowed to enter the U.S.

We had to do the Interview on his exclusive 300 foot yacht off the Crimea coast. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone26 Comments

Islamic Terrorists Shot In Paris Arrive In Jihadist Heaven

Islamic Terrorists Shot In Paris Arrive In Jihadist Heaven

The three Islamic assassins who killed French citizens at Charlie Hebdo and a Jewish delicatessen arrive at the destination they had given their lives for, the Jihadist heaven promised them.

An angel greets them as they arrive.

“Welcome gentlemen. I hope your journey was peaceful.”

“Hardly!” stated Said Kouachi sarcastically. “We got our shit shot to pieces.” Continue Reading

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Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb <del>Confirms</del> Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (2)

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb Confirms Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (2)

Here’s the rest of The End of History.

I’m so excited to proclaim this, I nearly expected the ceiling of my office to cave in.

…Not the glass ceiling, of course.

For, just like the 100%-Anti-State-Patronage-And-Condescension-Dems, Republicans don’t have a problem with women.

AS SUCH. Continue Reading

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North Korea Bankrupt After Costs from Sony Hack

North Korea Bankrupt After Costs from Sony Hack

North Korea has gone bankrupt from its massive hacking assault on Sony Pictures.

The intrusion into the depths of Sony’s Corporation was ignited by their new film ‘The Interview’ which features two bumbling tabloid newsmen who are given the mission of assassinating North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un.

This indiscretion infuriated the real Jong Un who immediately funneled the entire countries anemic economy into the hacking barrage that exposed many of Sony’s secret files including high level employee wages (which shocked Jong Un in that one executive’s salary alone equals the entire gross national product of North Korea for a year), insulting emails about famous stars (which also encindered the Prez as some were about his secret fantasy love Jennifer Aniston), and photos of Seth Rogen in his underwear (which the Exalted One kept for his private collection). Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures, War Zone0 Comments

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb <del>Confirms</del> Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (1)

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb Confirms Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (1)

“If at first you don’t succeed, try again.”

Radical-Left-Wing-Ideologues™ Zizek/Beckett agree:

“Try again, fail again, fail better.”

Yes, FoxCon(n) FoxNews, I mean ACTUAL far-left-ideologues…

As distinguished from, say, Newt Gingrich/Ed Miliband/Pope Francis.

Still, Lefties-Gonna-Left, but Our Jeb… Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone3 Comments

William Hague: Humanitarian Liquidation for Illegitimate GQ Editorial Regime

William Hague: Humanitarian Liquidation for Illegitimate GQ Editorial Regime

William Hague may no longer be (Anti)Foreign(er) Minister and Vice-Viceroy of the British Humanitarian Empire™…

Nor indeed, a key business strategist for IntCom Imperialist Enterprises™…

Still, he has maintained his healthy, thoroughly admirable, and perfectly laudable interest of all…

To wit, defending those who are oppressed™ and speaking up for those who don’t have a voice™…

As well as, needless to say, clarifying the vexed question of the objective interests of certain “benighted Third World savages…”

They who, if they DO have a voice, should just shut-the-f***-up and take the enema. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

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