Archive | War Zone

Russian Takeover Strategies Of  Yesterday, Today And Tomorrow

Russian Takeover Strategies Of Yesterday, Today And Tomorrow

2008- Russia invades former ‘comrade’ nation Georgia because Putin ‘has Georgia on his mind….’.

March 2014- Russia takes over the Crimea because they want to protect their naval fleet, and their hidden stores of vodka.

June 2014- Russia begins infiltration and takeover of eastern Ukraine, wanting to ‘protect the Russians living there’ who invaded centuries ago. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News2 Comments

The 13th Annual Biggest Firework Ceremony Begins With a Blast

The 13th Annual Biggest Firework Ceremony Begins With a Blast

Kicking it off this September comes an event the whole world has begged to be a part of. Unfortunately for them, only a selected number of Muslims were able to make it inside.

Since 2001, the Annual Biggest Firework Ceremony has been a part of the Al-Qaeda family who have their traditions such as: Executing anyone they come across with, annoyingly chanting their monkey song ‘Allahu Akbar’, and the classic accidental suicide bombing bloopers the entire unibrow family enjoys. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

A Checklist Of The ‘Humanitarian Aid’ The Russians Are Sending To Ukraine

A Checklist Of The ‘Humanitarian Aid’ The Russians Are Sending To Ukraine

At the Russian/Ukrainian border the so-called ‘humanitarian aid’ convoy sent by Putin stops to do a final check on what supplies they will be delivering to the Ukrainians on the other side. Two Russian majors exit the first two vehicles carrying clipboards and meet at the back of the first truck.

“OK Dimitri, let’s take a final check on everything.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Glossy Gets First Hand Account Of Israeli Settlers Taking Over Palestinian Land

Glossy Gets First Hand Account Of Israeli Settlers Taking Over Palestinian Land

A side development of the current Israeli/Palestinian conflict is the Israeli annexing of further Palestinian land for their ever-swelling population of new comers.

According to U.N. accords the land once called Palestine was divided into specific and definite sections- determined parts for the Jews and determined parts for the Arabs.

Since that time Israel has often and often brutally confiscated Arab territory for the immigrants they lure to their land to ensure that they have a large enough population to stave off Arab attacks. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone0 Comments

Top Economists Sagely Call for Wholly Unfundable War

Top Economists Sagely Call for Wholly Unfundable War

WASHINGTON – Several leading economists have recently called for war as the best means to solve the world’s six-year old economic crisis.

Nobel-nominated economist Karl Strauss of the University of Chicago stated: “War is the time-honored cure for economic stagnation.”

RIGHT: New-on-the-scene economics wunderkind Karl Strauss is not speculated by any to be Frank Luntz in Groucho Marx glasses.

Strauss elaborated: “War is an important variable within geopolitical game theory. Ideally, the President would choose a war that would cause perpetual–yet controlled–wars, such as those described in George Orwell’s 1984. Controlled wars are the best wars for the long-term health of the economy, as well as for maintaining national unity.”

Other economists praised Karl Strauss.

Fellow University of Chicago economist Igor Strauss agreed, writing in the Chicago Times that “Karl Strauss is a genius, representing the best in a school of great economists.”

“It’s been a long time since the last major war. It would be healthy for the economy.”

“It’s an economic truism that only World War II ended the Great Depression in America. The New Deal accomplished nothing.”

“But as economists, we avoid attaching moral labels such as ‘good’ or ‘evil” to war. Wars are just like any other economic phenomenon to be studied, preferably from within a comfortable university setting and at a safe distance from any actual death, bloodshed, or poor people.”

Adolph Strauss, also of the University of Chicago, praised his colleagues Karl Strauss and Igor Strauss, and critiqued those “worthless progressives” who have called for a “New New Deal”: massive infrastructure projects to repair America’s crumbling bridges, roads, train stations and airports.

“Some worthless progressives may call for a ‘New New Deal’ to put people back to work, but we feel it is better to stay the course, to use our drone technology to destroy the outdated infrastructure in other countries, and then to rebuild the destroyed nations in our own image.”

“Either way America gets to benefit both from the destruction and the rebuilding of each nation that we are liberating. That is very efficient. And good for the economy.”

Some also see war as a good way to fill the hole left in the world’s media attention, now that the universally beloved World Cup football tournament is over.

“The summer would be insufferably boring without a fresh war,” says Professor Stanley Tellman, economist at Gotham University. “I can’t wait.”

“War will be great for the economy,” agreed Professor John Churchill of Oxford. “Never before have so many poor people had it so good for so long. The time has come to act, to get the sausage-grinders into action, cull the herd a bit. It’s good for the economy.”

Venerable Republican politicians agree with these top economists.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney thinks that entering a war against Russia is “a fantastic idea that will solve a lot of our problems. Remember: what is good for our Perpetual War Portfolio is good for the American people.”

“Frankly, anybody against going to war right now is an idiot,” concluded former President and renowned painting anti-hero George W. Bush, “War is always good for America.”

Share

Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

“Bibi, stop bombing or we’ll cut your bullets,” Obama Tells Netanyahu

“Bibi, stop bombing or we’ll cut your bullets,” Obama Tells Netanyahu

Gaza, an open-air prison? Israel’s $3 billion-a-year welfare check threatened? America scolds Israel? STOP THE PRESS!!!

A leaked White House transcript of a heated phone-call earlier today reveals that US President Barack Obama told Israel’s Zionist Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that his apartheid regime’s bombardment of Gaza city is stretching America’s Hollywood-Bubble Gum TV News propaganda system out to its theoretical limits.

Because Israel’s brutal siege on Gaza associates the US with a war crime that is becoming obvious to “Dumb-dee-doo Christians, video-game addicts and the UN”, Obama told Netanyahu to “desist already” with Israel’s massacre of Palestinians trapped inside the walled-in city. This leak is published in humankinds’ interests. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News2 Comments

Malysian Air Shoots MH17 Down in Bold Strategy to Forget All About MH370

Malysian Air Shoots MH17 Down in Bold Strategy to Forget All About MH370

Just when you’ve seen enough out of the Malaysian people, this crazy stuff happens.

Malaysian Airline MH17 was shot down, forced to make a crash landing in the Ukraine, killing off passengers by the dozens. It’s a surprise no middle eastern extremists tried applying for a job, knowing they always have the tendency of crashing planes into stuff. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Why Are You Knocking On Our Door When Your Own Country Is A Mess?  or  Sorry, We Are Not A Professional Babysitting Company.

Why Are You Knocking On Our Door When Your Own Country Is A Mess? or Sorry, We Are Not A Professional Babysitting Company.

With regards to the sudden influx of children from Central America suddenly rushing our border and the questions over what the proper response should be, here is an interesting similar incident that happened a while back in Germany:

In the 1990’s there were a number of what I believe were either Somalian or Sudanese refugees (I cannot find the Internet links to the story) who had fled to Germany requesting asylum there.

There were questions as to the legitimacy of their status and as to whether they were really there to work or to get on the liberal social benefits programs that the nation offered. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, War ZoneComments Off

Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering! Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America

Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering! Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America

Pyongyang, North Korea – Co-stars for the upcoming film, The Interview, James Franco and Seth Rogen find themselves boiling in a scalding cauldron of steamy garlic butter this week after their recent peace offering to North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, failed to compensate for the unfavorable plot in the film.

“Whenever you make a movie about killing a highly revered leader of another country, especially one that follows a Communist regime, there is going to be breadlash,” said International Film Analyst, Henry Sourdough. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Talky Pictures, War Zone2 Comments

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Outspoken pro-war pundit Bill Kristol is making headlines again for his unwavering support for military action in Iraq and the world at large. Facing pushback, The Weakly Standard has moved him to a more fitting role: Weather Man.

“Look,” said Kristol. “I wasn’t wrong about Iraq. This president just chose to pull troops out at the wrong time and looks what’s happened, it’s a mess.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, War Zone0 Comments

The Blame In Ukraine Lies Mainly in The Brain (of Putin)

The Blame In Ukraine Lies Mainly in The Brain (of Putin)

Russian separatists in Ukraine, eager to show the world just how diplomatic and democratic they are in their newly taken over territory, smashed voting tables, threatened vote takers and surrounded the home of a man vocally in support of elections in eastern Ukraine.

The nation of Ukraine was going to exercise its first free vote for a new President after ousting Yanukovych in February, an act of freedom not recognized by the ‘freedom loving’ insurgents in the border-lying states of the same country, even while they are demanding their ‘freedom’ to rejoin a nation that specializes in squashing such sentiments. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, War Zone1 Comment

Putin Drags Russia Back To The Czarist Times

Putin Drags Russia Back To The Czarist Times

We thought the Cold War was over.

Now Vladimir Putin has taken his nation back beyond that to the time of the Czars.

He himself is the new Czar. No joke.

The man who tried so hard to show the world that he was a socially conscious leader able to see things from an understanding, international viewpoint with his helming of the 2014 Winter Olympics turned and showed his dark side only a few scant days later with the turmoil in Crimea.

Image appears courtesy of FreakingNews.com. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Putin can’t handle protest. He doesn’t understand it. He fears it. He grew up in a country where you don’t dare raise a voice in protest to anything. You will get squashed. Putin learned early to be a squasher. He made it his profession.

He also made doing things underhandedly and secretive his policy. That is why he rose high in the strata at the KGB. He was good at it. Underground dirty tricks are another form of protest, one that is more effective when you want to change something that is generally accepted. Out and out protesting takes some guts. Doing things sneakily is easier, takes less courage and makes you feel smarter than everyone else; something Putin thrives on.

When Putin saw his buddy Yanukovych, the President of Ukraine, getting screamed at by masses of protestors sick of his corrupt politics, he couldn’t understand it. He saw Yanukovych’s response (killing a few protestors with hidden sniper fire and sending in special police forces that beat protestors) as not strong enough, but still put him under his wing when Yanukovych flew the coop with millions in ill gotten loot when things got too hot.

Putin, scared by the very non-Soviet style upheaval taking place in their former comrade’s land, reacted paranoiacly to the situation. He snuck paramilitary personnel into the Crimea, Russia’s naval toe hold in the Black Sea, with the intention of wresting it away from Ukraine.

This is Russia’s old Soviet policy come back to life again- take what you want where and when you want it. It worked at the end of World War Two when the rampaging Soviet Army ‘liberated’ the soon to be east bloc countries and put them under Stalin’s iron fist.

The joke is that these lands later evolved to become more prosperous than Mother Russia herself despite her restraints, prompting many lower echelon Russians to move there for a better lifestyle.

Now these Russian citizens, themselves and their families well entrenched in the lands of Lithuania, Estonia, Poland, Czech Republic and so on, watch their Russian brethren in Eastern Ukraine connive to drape that land in the Russian flag and wish they could pull off the same in their adopted countries.

The old Russian bear has awoken and probably won’t be easily stuffed back in his lair. It saw how easily and effectively Putin’s underhanded methods have worked in Crimea and wants so badly to see how much more it can get away with.

Another old joke is that Russia has never been able to handle the huge territory it has already dominated. It was the largest country in the world land-wise and yet its people live in a poverty that would embarrass most other industrial European nations.

Putin wants to regain the “Great Russia” he remembers from his childhood (cue playing ‘Glory Days’ by Bruce Springsteen). Now he thinks he has a way of accomplishing that. At everyone else’s expense.

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions

Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions

SAN JOSE, CALIF. — Following a 15-year-old boy’s recent stowaway ride across the Pacific Ocean, authorities at San Jose International Airport say they plan to work with the FAA in an effort to step up their security illusions, sources report.

According to San Jose International Airport Spokesperson Janet Bavory, “Our illusions of security failed us this time. In the future, however, we vow to increase the number of pretend security measures in order to make sure that such a devastating terror attack doesn’t almost happen ever again.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Travel, War Zone0 Comments

Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

It was early spring of 2014 when the savior of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, was enjoying his three course meal in complete tranquility, an annual source of food considered by his people.

To everyone’s surprise, later that day, it was established that their royalty and highness had been diagnosed with severe breast cancer.

Military leaders proposed for him to consider launching a nuclear warning, something to frighten enemy countries, but not really do anything else because they were “so messed up economically and ideologically”. All military leaders that agreed with the statement were later executed for treason. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Obama Announces Sanctions on Lyudmila Putin

Obama Announces Sanctions on Lyudmila Putin

During a White House Rose Garden press conference Thursday, President Barack Obama, in an effort to drive Russian forces from the Crimean Peninsula, announced far reaching sanctions against Vladimar Putin’s wife, Lyudmila.

“We have frozen funds in her Citicorp and Bank of America savings accounts, erased her Skymiles, cancelled her credit cards to Barney’s, Pottery Barn and Victoria Secret, and made sure she will never again experience pilates at Moscow’s LA Fitness Center.” said Obama. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

The Charge Of The Light Brigade Revisited; Russia Invades Ukraine Edition

The Charge Of The Light Brigade Revisited; Russia Invades Ukraine Edition

There is a famous poem written about another famous invasion of Crimea from the 1800’s- the British fighting the Russians on the Crimean Peninsula.

It is called ‘The Charge Of The Light Brigade’ by Alfred Lord Tennyson and concerns itself with the insane and callous ordering of a Brigade of horsemen to attack a Russian battalion that had them surrounded on three sides. It was a popularly received bit of writing; so famous that several movies were made about it.

In lieu of recent developments in the Ukraine here is a modern remake of it- from the Russian point of view this time followed by the original poem:

(P.S.- a league is a measurement of land.)

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All into the Crimea,
Flew the six thousand.
Forward the Russian flag!
Let’s play political tag!
Into the comrade Ukraine,
Flew the six thousand.

Forward the Russian flag!
Was there a man portrayed,
Who still did not know,
It was all a political play?
If they were to question why,
Putin would scold them not to cry,
It is not their business to pry,
Into the cold Crimea,
Flew the six thousand.

Protestors to the north of them,
Tartars to the right of them,
Ukranians to the left of them,
Screaming and shouting.
Disguised as though they Ukrainen be,
Put on an act did they,
In the town squares,
In the countryside,
Came the six thousand.

Putin lied, his face so bare,
Said “We must take real care,
Else our fellow Russians there,
Will go over to the other side,
And our orders will not abide.”
As all the world wonders.
Putting on airs that all is normal,
Though all around was a political squall,
Cossack and Russian,
Performed as though in a fairy tale,
Written by Tschaicovsky,
Then came even more,
Many more than the six thousand.

Protestors to the north of them,
Tartars to the left of them,
Ukranians to the right of them,
Threatened with sanctions.
They knew they had an easy gig,
Plus they were backed up by MIG’s.
Pretending to protect their countrymen,
When really they don’t give a fig,
Then arrived yet more of them,
Adding to the six thousand.

When will they go back home,
So that I can end this poem?
All the world wonders.
Your wives are going to fool around,
Your neighbor will feel her Venus Mound,
Go home, please, six thousand!

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

THE ORIGINAL POEM

The Charge of the Light Brigade
Half a league, half a league,
  Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death,
  Rode the six hundred.
‘Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns’ he said:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

‘Forward, the Light Brigade!’
Was there a man dismay’d?
Not tho’ the soldiers knew
  Some one had blunder’d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
  Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
  Rode the six hundred.

Flash’d all their sabres bare,
Flash’d as they turned in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army while
  All the world wonder’d:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro’ the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel’d from the sabre-stroke
Shatter’d and sunder’d.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
  Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
  Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
  All the world wonder’d.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
  Noble six hundred

Share

Posted in Politics, War Zone8 Comments

Page 1 of 1012345...10...Last »
Glossy News Fake Commercials!


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

14 posts
6 posts
5 posts
2 posts
1 post


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial