The public posturing of Israel and Palestine continued to escalate as pressure mounts for the long-time rivals to return to the negotiating table. Earlier last month in an address to a joint session of Congress, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu laid out his plan for peace, surprisingly agreeing to return to the pre-1967 borders, to halt all settlement building, and to pay reparations to the refugees and their descendants. Continue Reading

With France and England approving the use of attack helicopters, President Barack Obama rejected the idea but continued his commitment of using Predator Drone unmanned aircraft against forces loyal to Moammar Gadhafi. Obama continues to cite his decision to use US military power against Gadhafi as a turning point in his Presidency. Continue Reading

Colonel Moammar Kadhaffy is on his way out. There is no denying it (unless you’re him).

But before his body is discovered at the bottom of a bombed-out bunker, or cowering in the corner of a desert spider hole, it is worth remembering some of the dictator’s more inspirational qualities – some of the good things that may not be noted when writing this his soon-to-be-released obituary. Continue Reading

The latest round of CableGate documents to filter out from the sexually embattled whistle blower site Wikileaks has Arab leaders in disbelief. According to the published cables, there is a direct connection between the Libyan Leader Muammar* Gadhafi and the United States president Barack Hussein Obama.

Muammar Gaddafi wrote a letter to President Obama pleading for NATO to stop their murderous peace keeping mission attacks. Glossy News was able to get a full transcript of the letter and President Obama’s response:

__________________________________

What up Bo-Rock?

As you may or may not know I am a Libyan citizen who has been an icon of freedom and development for the Libyan people for decades. I recently purchased Xbox 360 and really am enjoying the Xbox live feature.

I’ve been absolutely killing it on Call of Duty: Black Ops. Do you have Xbox live in America, because if you don’t you should have one imported, this [redacted] is the coolest thing I have ever played with, and that is saying something because I often get mistaken for Sherman Hemsley, so people give me a ton of free stuff.

Like just the other day someone gave me this iPhone that plays “Moving On Up” every time I get a call. I am, to be honest, completely shocked that you could even have a song as your ring tone, but am delighted that one so western and non-African can be had for just 99 of your American pennies. Also, thank you again for the aid check, it has really helped out.

Anyways I’m writing to you because I was super tight with Bizzle to-the Clit-town and that funny Bush guy (were there two of them? I got kind of confused because before that Benjamin Button movie came out I was sure they were two people, but now…is he aging in reverse?) and it really seemed like we were hitting it off but then I stopped hearing from you.

So whats been happening with you? Still balling? I once hired Shaq Diesel to rap at my cousin’s birthday party (not worth it, he kept talking about Kobe tasting his butt) so I know a thing or two about the basketball. Anyways, hit me up if you get a second just to catch up.

1,
MO-ME

P.S. I heard NATO was bombing my [redacted]…? Do you know what the f[redacted] NATO is and can you ask them to stop? Can you bomb them?
__________________________________

Dear Colonel Gaddafi,

Your overly familiar tone is concerning to me. My administration has suggested several times both directly and indirectly that you must vacate your post as the leader of Libya and immediately halt all military action against the citizens of your country.

I know NATO almost like a bully son and his idiot tag-along friends. It loves airplanes, keeps getting in trouble, and costs me a fortune. NATO is a euphemism for the United States when we want to appear as if we are not acting unilaterally in military action. There are several other countries involved, none with the ability to do anything on their own other than call for more US involvement. They barely cover gas money and rarely offer to help, unless you count sending trained monkeys in from Morocco.

Our campaign to dismantle your ability to harm the citizens of Libya will continue until you surrender, or are killed. If you haven’t seen the news recently, we’re doing that again. Face shots this time, quite painless.

Please, the American people urge you to step down and bring an immediate end to the civil war in your country.

Warmest Regards,

President Barack Obama

P.S. Of course Call of Duty is awesome, and of course we have an Xbox here. What do you think this is, Libya?

* Editorial Note: My spell check didn’t like Muammar, and suggested instead I use Mammary. This led to a terse office meeting, but we decided against mammary by a 5-4 vote.

Terrorizing innocent, decent people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You get stuck sleeping with cretins who stink like deep-fried weasel, constantly eat curry-laced leftovers, and notice, too late, some jerk used all the toilet paper — no wonder Osama bin Laden always resembled a raving lunatic.

But what really sucked him down the pit of despair was shacking up with three wives. Continue Reading

Deputy Secretary of Defense Scott Turlock spoke from the Pentagon this week to announce news that portends even more paradigm challenges for the United States military forces.

“Well we don’t know how he got there either. Our plate’s pretty full right now just trying to make the new gay policy happen. We’ve asked Congress for money to buy bigger plates, but that’s stuck in conference right now, so we messed up. I know it’s an honored tradition in the military since World War Two, there are no ‘atheists in foxholes’ but turns out there is one.” Continue Reading

VARIOUSLY AROUND D.C. — GlossyNews.com Trump is really pissed — he felt that only 8 years of ‘Mission Accomplished’ was not long enough to have any impact. He said, “America needs a real someone to hate.

I thought I had 2012 sealed in a jar with the Birth Certificate issue but that was blown away when he made it public last week. Much to my displeasure, I had to take all the credit for that reveal. But we lost our one best universal hate. All we, as a country, had left to hate was bin Laden — now a dead bin Laden. What’s to hate there?” Continue Reading

Tripoli Zoo, Tuesday: In a secret satellite conference last Tuesday, Libyan dictator Muhammar Gaddafi reportedly told NATO he had disarmed all of his Guerrillas and he “no longer wanted bloodlessness.”

“No word of a lie. What I say is true. I have taken away my gorillas arms and I want similarly unarmed peacekeepers to enter the Libyan capital of Tripoli as soon as humanly possible,” said Gaddafi, whose stronghold has until now remained impenetrable. Continue Reading

Venice, Fla – GlossyNews.com – Where the Sun Don’t Shine Nudist Camp in Venice, Fla was the scene of a recent major FBI raid as agents, posing as nudist camp members, sprang a trap on a dozen alleged Russian spies au naturel.

“This is the first major FBI operation in history in which agents went undercover in the altogether to investigate naked suspects,” says agent Julie Nubilstorm. Continue Reading

The CIA is mum on a new secret operation designed to take the Taliban out once and for all. The concept of Operation “Xbox 360 Fever” is based on this country’s own experience with realistic computer games. “It is mainly aimed at the male soldiers who know nothing but fighting since they were young,” said Lt. Col. Milton Bradley, no relation to General Omar Bradley. Continue Reading

With all the problems we have in the U.S. today, it is truly astounding that a simple answer to them exists already and no one has thought of it. Simply make Muammar Gaddhafi the President of the U.S.! The logic of this escapes you? Let us enlighten you.

Why Gaddhafi should be made President of the U.S.:

There would be less money wasted on campaigning and voting–all the other political parties would be eliminated.

He would eliminate the illegal immigration problem–by machine gunning the immigrants.

Our oil dependency problem would be solved because Libya would become the 51st state.

There would be no problem with gay marriage–all the gays would be executed.

There would be no problem with gun control anymore–Gaddhafi would own them all.

Equal rights would become a reality because women can also be in the Army or be body guards just like men–and everyone in the country would be equally screwed over.

There would be no more difficulties with big business taking over everything because Gaddhafi would take them over.

International diplomacy would become very simple–if you don’t like another country, just blow a plane of theirs out of the sky.

There would be no problem with freedom of speech anymore–Gaddhafi would say whatever he likes and you would have the right to shut up and listen.

There wouldn’t be a problem between the different religious factors anymore–there wouldn’t be any religious factors anymore.

There wouldn’t be a problem with loud, demanding protests anymore like in Wisconsin–they would simply be strafed by Gaddhafi’s war planes.

With Libya as a state its vast wastelands would be the perfect place to get rid of our wastes, i.e. household, nuclear and any dead bodies lying around.

“I heartily endorse Mr. Gaddhafi to be the next President of the United States. (As long as I can be his Vice-President) He is my kind of guy. And he has lots of oil.” …Slicky Dick Cheney, former President of Vice of the United States.

Cultivation of the US Government’s own strain of cannabis known as mellow-yellow by a government-sanctioned agricultural group known as Subsidi-Farm is being ramped up in order to help raise money for the latest war in Libya. The coffers are running dry when it comes to funding social programs, medical health programs and education, but with this latest source of income, the President hopes to stave off any criticism for borrowing more heavily from the Chinese to maintain our presence in 3 wars. Continue Reading

CAIRO — Al Qaeda issued this statement to Internet militant websites:

“We regret to announce that our Premier Leader, Usama bin Laden was killed Monday in plain sight at his home in the city of Abbottabad, Pakistan.

We want to say that we will continue with our long-time intent of attacking Americans and their allies for the rest of this week, which ends today at sundown, Cairo time. Please watch your internet inboxes for an additional statement.”

In the additional statement, the group announced one small change in their at-large organization, the opening of the group’s permanent headquarters. For the initial first few months’ time, the location will be undisclosed, and all correspondence must be through a post office box in Cairo’s business district.

The box number is 5111. A once memorable, secret password for the group, and meant as a tribute to Rudy Giuliani’s presidential campaign password that worked so well for him.

The group added that they have approved a final spelling of their name as al Qaeda. This approved spelling was sent by press release through the normal accepted media channels.

The lone media person for al Qaeda, who would not disclose his name, explained to the gathered media in the Cairo square, that the radical terrorist group has had a quite recent change of heart and wants to be recognized in the world as an actual somebody.

“We feel that the past 10 years have not turned out as well as we had so strongly hoped and planned,” the media person said. “Where we feel we went wrong was at the beginning when we listened to bin Laden and only bin Laden. That has really turned out to be a big mistake.”

He continued, “So we hope now to become a part of the world discussion and we feel that we deserve a second chance to get it right.”

The spokes-man then turned on a Power Point slide on his laptop, presenting several Arab locations and said, “The recent public uprisings in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Syria, Yemen and, most notably, the Tea Party protests in the USA, have shown our members that we don’t stand a chance in this world as a clandestine, radical grassroots organization unless we stabilize ourselves and settle into a permanent location.”

The next slide showed the famous central square of Cairo. “We have chosen Cairo,” he stated, “since it is centrally located and is at most, a 2-hour plane ride from our satellite locations. But most important, the rent is less than half what we were paying in Abbottabad. And we have 6 floors, not three. Bada–bing, we’ve moved! We’re here and we aren’t going away.”

He turned the slides off and said, “I am sorry that I can’t show you the actual location at the moment. For the time being, you’ll have to trust me that we aren’t planning any more bombings or catastrophes. Al-Qaeda wants to become a quality, world citizen organization. We are even going to apply to the UN in New York for membership. We want to make things right.”

He smiled as he opened a small hotel entry door behind him and said, “Now if you all will come through, we’ve planned a little appetizer and cocktail reception for your pleasure. You can get reacquainted with Mr. Guiliani who is seated in the far corner with several of our members. They are waiting for your questions. Hopefully the Fox camera crew won’t be a problem. Roger is doing a documentary about our endeavor to become responsible citizens. “Do please enjoy. Allah be praised.”

De Moines, IA – GlossyNews.com – Charles Pulowski was finally able to join co-workers in conversations about the political unrest in the middle east after examining a toy globe, belonging to his son, that was located in his living room earlier this week.

“I just nodded when my co-workers would talk about what had happened,” explains Pulowski, “that is, until I noticed the globe in my living room.” Pulowski continues, “I just got the globe at Pier One because it tied the room together, who would have thought it had a practical application?” According to the others who work with Pulowski in the Accounts Receivable department of a major insurance company, his input on the topic was limited.

“Its like he didn’t even know where Libya was,” explains David Greensberg, who’s cubicle is adjacent to Pulowski’s. “When we would talk about the atrocities against protesters in Libya, Chuck would just grumble or say something like ‘how about that, over there.’ It’s like he didn’t even know where we were talking about.” Pulowski explains that between the threat of the NFL lockout, College Basketball, and American Idol, there was no time to brush up on geography.

Pulowski now enjoys his ability to contribute to the political conversations around the water cooler, despite his lack of knowledge on the subject of international relations. Pulowski noted, “Hey, at least I know where they’re talking about now.”

When asked of his awareness of Tunisia, Yemen and Bahrain, Pulowski looked as if he had been slapped in the face by the ghost flipper of a Taiji dolphin, but explained that he would be happy to look up the locations of those countries, if this reporter hadn’t “just made them up to totally catch me with some gotcha journalism,” adding, “Dude, you almost had me.”

Usually reclusive Rock phenomenon Faisal X spoke to reporters this week about stardom, musical influences and career goals.

“My roots; middle class upbringing in Jordan. Studying engineering in France when I got radicalized. Next thing I’m lugging ammo boxes over Afghan mountains, asking myself ‘Youssef, why don’t these idiots do jihad somewhere with roads?’ Just kidding, I love my brothers. Death to America, and I mean that sincerely.” Continue Reading

Bending to demand from potential organ donors, the World Organ Donor Bank, which issues organ donor cards, has printed a box on their cards that allows donors to opt-out when it comes to donating a heart to Vice-President and war profiteer, Dick Cheney. It reads: Could you ever be dead enough to allow Dick Cheney to get your heart? Check YES or NO. Continue Reading