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Why Are You Knocking On Our Door When Your Own Country Is A Mess?  or  Sorry, We Are Not A Professional Babysitting Company.

Why Are You Knocking On Our Door When Your Own Country Is A Mess? or Sorry, We Are Not A Professional Babysitting Company.

With regards to the sudden influx of children from Central America suddenly rushing our border and the questions over what the proper response should be, here is an interesting similar incident that happened a while back in Germany:

In the 1990′s there were a number of what I believe were either Somalian or Sudanese refugees (I cannot find the Internet links to the story) who had fled to Germany requesting asylum there.

There were questions as to the legitimacy of their status and as to whether they were really there to work or to get on the liberal social benefits programs that the nation offered. Continue Reading

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Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering! Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America

Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering! Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America

Pyongyang, North Korea – Co-stars for the upcoming film, The Interview, James Franco and Seth Rogen find themselves boiling in a scalding cauldron of steamy garlic butter this week after their recent peace offering to North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, failed to compensate for the unfavorable plot in the film.

“Whenever you make a movie about killing a highly revered leader of another country, especially one that follows a Communist regime, there is going to be breadlash,” said International Film Analyst, Henry Sourdough. Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures, War Zone2 Comments

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Outspoken pro-war pundit Bill Kristol is making headlines again for his unwavering support for military action in Iraq and the world at large. Facing pushback, The Weakly Standard has moved him to a more fitting role: Weather Man.

“Look,” said Kristol. “I wasn’t wrong about Iraq. This president just chose to pull troops out at the wrong time and looks what’s happened, it’s a mess.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, War Zone0 Comments

The Blame In Ukraine Lies Mainly in The Brain (of Putin)

The Blame In Ukraine Lies Mainly in The Brain (of Putin)

Russian separatists in Ukraine, eager to show the world just how diplomatic and democratic they are in their newly taken over territory, smashed voting tables, threatened vote takers and surrounded the home of a man vocally in support of elections in eastern Ukraine.

The nation of Ukraine was going to exercise its first free vote for a new President after ousting Yanukovych in February, an act of freedom not recognized by the ‘freedom loving’ insurgents in the border-lying states of the same country, even while they are demanding their ‘freedom’ to rejoin a nation that specializes in squashing such sentiments. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone1 Comment

Putin Drags Russia Back To The Czarist Times

Putin Drags Russia Back To The Czarist Times

We thought the Cold War was over.

Now Vladimir Putin has taken his nation back beyond that to the time of the Czars.

He himself is the new Czar. No joke.

The man who tried so hard to show the world that he was a socially conscious leader able to see things from an understanding, international viewpoint with his helming of the 2014 Winter Olympics turned and showed his dark side only a few scant days later with the turmoil in Crimea.

Image appears courtesy of FreakingNews.com. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Putin can’t handle protest. He doesn’t understand it. He fears it. He grew up in a country where you don’t dare raise a voice in protest to anything. You will get squashed. Putin learned early to be a squasher. He made it his profession.

He also made doing things underhandedly and secretive his policy. That is why he rose high in the strata at the KGB. He was good at it. Underground dirty tricks are another form of protest, one that is more effective when you want to change something that is generally accepted. Out and out protesting takes some guts. Doing things sneakily is easier, takes less courage and makes you feel smarter than everyone else; something Putin thrives on.

When Putin saw his buddy Yanukovych, the President of Ukraine, getting screamed at by masses of protestors sick of his corrupt politics, he couldn’t understand it. He saw Yanukovych’s response (killing a few protestors with hidden sniper fire and sending in special police forces that beat protestors) as not strong enough, but still put him under his wing when Yanukovych flew the coop with millions in ill gotten loot when things got too hot.

Putin, scared by the very non-Soviet style upheaval taking place in their former comrade’s land, reacted paranoiacly to the situation. He snuck paramilitary personnel into the Crimea, Russia’s naval toe hold in the Black Sea, with the intention of wresting it away from Ukraine.

This is Russia’s old Soviet policy come back to life again- take what you want where and when you want it. It worked at the end of World War Two when the rampaging Soviet Army ‘liberated’ the soon to be east bloc countries and put them under Stalin’s iron fist.

The joke is that these lands later evolved to become more prosperous than Mother Russia herself despite her restraints, prompting many lower echelon Russians to move there for a better lifestyle.

Now these Russian citizens, themselves and their families well entrenched in the lands of Lithuania, Estonia, Poland, Czech Republic and so on, watch their Russian brethren in Eastern Ukraine connive to drape that land in the Russian flag and wish they could pull off the same in their adopted countries.

The old Russian bear has awoken and probably won’t be easily stuffed back in his lair. It saw how easily and effectively Putin’s underhanded methods have worked in Crimea and wants so badly to see how much more it can get away with.

Another old joke is that Russia has never been able to handle the huge territory it has already dominated. It was the largest country in the world land-wise and yet its people live in a poverty that would embarrass most other industrial European nations.

Putin wants to regain the “Great Russia” he remembers from his childhood (cue playing ‘Glory Days’ by Bruce Springsteen). Now he thinks he has a way of accomplishing that. At everyone else’s expense.

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions

Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions

SAN JOSE, CALIF. — Following a 15-year-old boy’s recent stowaway ride across the Pacific Ocean, authorities at San Jose International Airport say they plan to work with the FAA in an effort to step up their security illusions, sources report.

According to San Jose International Airport Spokesperson Janet Bavory, “Our illusions of security failed us this time. In the future, however, we vow to increase the number of pretend security measures in order to make sure that such a devastating terror attack doesn’t almost happen ever again.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel, War Zone0 Comments

Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

It was early spring of 2014 when the savior of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, was enjoying his three course meal in complete tranquility, an annual source of food considered by his people.

To everyone’s surprise, later that day, it was established that their royalty and highness had been diagnosed with severe breast cancer.

Military leaders proposed for him to consider launching a nuclear warning, something to frighten enemy countries, but not really do anything else because they were “so messed up economically and ideologically”. All military leaders that agreed with the statement were later executed for treason. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Obama Announces Sanctions on Lyudmila Putin

Obama Announces Sanctions on Lyudmila Putin

During a White House Rose Garden press conference Thursday, President Barack Obama, in an effort to drive Russian forces from the Crimean Peninsula, announced far reaching sanctions against Vladimar Putin’s wife, Lyudmila.

“We have frozen funds in her Citicorp and Bank of America savings accounts, erased her Skymiles, cancelled her credit cards to Barney’s, Pottery Barn and Victoria Secret, and made sure she will never again experience pilates at Moscow’s LA Fitness Center.” said Obama. Continue Reading

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The Charge Of The Light Brigade Revisited; Russia Invades Ukraine Edition

The Charge Of The Light Brigade Revisited; Russia Invades Ukraine Edition

There is a famous poem written about another famous invasion of Crimea from the 1800′s- the British fighting the Russians on the Crimean Peninsula.

It is called ‘The Charge Of The Light Brigade’ by Alfred Lord Tennyson and concerns itself with the insane and callous ordering of a Brigade of horsemen to attack a Russian battalion that had them surrounded on three sides. It was a popularly received bit of writing; so famous that several movies were made about it.

In lieu of recent developments in the Ukraine here is a modern remake of it- from the Russian point of view this time followed by the original poem:

(P.S.- a league is a measurement of land.)

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All into the Crimea,
Flew the six thousand.
Forward the Russian flag!
Let’s play political tag!
Into the comrade Ukraine,
Flew the six thousand.

Forward the Russian flag!
Was there a man portrayed,
Who still did not know,
It was all a political play?
If they were to question why,
Putin would scold them not to cry,
It is not their business to pry,
Into the cold Crimea,
Flew the six thousand.

Protestors to the north of them,
Tartars to the right of them,
Ukranians to the left of them,
Screaming and shouting.
Disguised as though they Ukrainen be,
Put on an act did they,
In the town squares,
In the countryside,
Came the six thousand.

Putin lied, his face so bare,
Said “We must take real care,
Else our fellow Russians there,
Will go over to the other side,
And our orders will not abide.”
As all the world wonders.
Putting on airs that all is normal,
Though all around was a political squall,
Cossack and Russian,
Performed as though in a fairy tale,
Written by Tschaicovsky,
Then came even more,
Many more than the six thousand.

Protestors to the north of them,
Tartars to the left of them,
Ukranians to the right of them,
Threatened with sanctions.
They knew they had an easy gig,
Plus they were backed up by MIG’s.
Pretending to protect their countrymen,
When really they don’t give a fig,
Then arrived yet more of them,
Adding to the six thousand.

When will they go back home,
So that I can end this poem?
All the world wonders.
Your wives are going to fool around,
Your neighbor will feel her Venus Mound,
Go home, please, six thousand!

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

THE ORIGINAL POEM

The Charge of the Light Brigade
Half a league, half a league,
  Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death,
  Rode the six hundred.
‘Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns’ he said:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

‘Forward, the Light Brigade!’
Was there a man dismay’d?
Not tho’ the soldiers knew
  Some one had blunder’d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
  Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
  Rode the six hundred.

Flash’d all their sabres bare,
Flash’d as they turned in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army while
  All the world wonder’d:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro’ the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel’d from the sabre-stroke
Shatter’d and sunder’d.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
  Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
  Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
  All the world wonder’d.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
  Noble six hundred

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Posted in Politics, War Zone8 Comments

Putin Invades Coney Island To Help Russians Living There

Putin Invades Coney Island To Help Russians Living There

Russian President Vladimir Putin has sent Russian troops into Coney Island, a part of Brighton Beach, New York, that has a large immigrant Russian population.

Swarming ashore from submarines that covertly approached the beach, they quickly took over all government buildings and the amusement park, where the commanders had to stop the soldiers from riding the rides there. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News3 Comments

White House Claims WMDs Found In Crimea

White House Claims WMDs Found In Crimea

In a stunning announcement at Wednesday mornings press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced WMDs have been discovered in the Crimean peninsula.

“The CIA has determined and it has been confirmed through British Intelligence that convoys of Russian trucks are moving into Crimea.

CIA human assets on the ground have since discovered they are filled with weapons of mass destruction.” said Carney.

“President Obama has called for an emergency session of the UN Security Council and is presently conferring with NATO and G7 partners on how to respond to the situation.”

This morning dozens of US and British warships, including one French support vessel, were seen moving into the Black Sea and taking up positions off the coast of Crimea.

Carney continued “The Russians used banned weapons in WWII against the Nazis and if they used them once they may use them again.  President Obama and the American people are resolved that the illegal invasion of a sovereign nation will not go unpunished.  The United States will use any means at our disposal, including the invasion of a sovereign nation,  to insure WMDs are neutralized, international laws upheld and aggressors brought to justice.”

When asked whether the WMDs were chemical or biological  Carney responded “The situation is fluid but at the present time we believe it to be borscht”.

photo credit: U.S. Coast Guard via Photopin, CC

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Posted in War Zone, World News5 Comments

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

The U.S. Military, the true originator of the Internet, has had enough of the shenanigans it has become and is taking it [the internet] back.

“It was never meant to be the big circus that it is now.” stated General I. Standtall, speaking on behalf of the American Armed Services.

“It was intended as a simple means for us to communicate secretly within a military field of intelligence. Since we let it get out of our hands it has devolved into a morass of anti-intelligence.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone4 Comments

Syrian Chemical Weapons Problem Solved Using Assad’s Own Methods

Syrian Chemical Weapons Problem Solved Using Assad’s Own Methods

A vast problem has developed with the disposal of the chemical weapons possessed by Bashir Assad’s military in Syria. Used to cripple and decimate his own people, Assad escaped a bombing by U.S. Forces in retaliation by promising to turn all chemical weapons over to International powers that would inventory and get rid of them.

Unfortunately, no one wants to take them. Volunteers have come forward to do the inventory, transport them to the ocean, to load them on ships, to sail them. But no one wants to take and dispose of them in their own country. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone1 Comment

Japan Announces Invasion of Palau

Japan Announces Invasion of Palau

Taiji, Japan – Looking to capitalize on recent international public relations success over last week’s dolphin slaughter in Taiji, Japan announced today its intention to invade and conquer the tiny pacific island nation of Palau sometime in 2014.

At a hastily organized press conference at the Taiji dolphin slaughterhouse, Japanese Assistant Director of Cultural Affairs Hideo Yakamura said “Invading and subjugating foreign countries is an historical and cultural tradition of Japan and important to the Japanese people. We intend to include all the traditional elements of a Japanese invasion including torture, rape, genocide and ethnic cleansing.”

When asked why Japan chose Palau instead of it’s more customary foes China, Russia or Korea, Yakamura chuckled “Well, that would be insane”.

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

The Taliban has successfully destroyed every business and killed every non-conforming citizen and foreigner in Afghanistan. Left without an effective economy and without anyone who understands any technology beyond that of making heroin the entire land has fallen into a morass of chaos and starvation.

In light of these developments the Grand Mullah of the Taliban has issued a statement saying that it is allowable for his soldiers of Allah to cannibalize their fellow Afghans.

“It is permissible for those fighting in the name of Allah to partake of the flesh of other human beings. In fact, it is righteous before the Lord to so consume. Those fighting the Infidels must be strong and cannot be hindered by hunger. Those holy Believers who give their lives to feed our heroes should be proud and thankful that they can be martyrs in this way.”

The Mullah has further issued an edict listing the order in which ‘volunteers’ for the emergency food chain should be chosen:

Christians and Jews first. Originally the Mullah had placed them on a strict ‘Do Not Eat’ list because, as he said, they are the equivalent of swine, an Islamic no-no.

Buddhists, Hindus, Jains, Shintos, Satanists and all other religions that do not comply to Mohammedanism. Satanists do not taste particularly good and will perhaps be stricken from the list entirely.

White foreigners.

Paula Dean.

Non-white foreigners.

Non practicing Muslims.

Women.

Children.

Babies.

The Chief Mullah has stated that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are clerics to be eaten! This cannot be strongly enough stated! Clerics and Mullahs are Holy men of Allah and were they to be killed the murderer would himself be immediately sent to Hell and made into shish-ka-bob, being turned over a hot fire and devoured by beasts for all eternity!!!

Many Christians have saved themselves from being eaten by declaring that they had just eaten pork, which theoretically would make their own hide unclean to eat, in which case they were merely immediately slaughtered by the Taliban and not consumed.

The lack of any modern conveniences has made it difficult for the Taliban in other ways. For instance Korans can no longer be printed. This leads to a shortage of them, which, in another way aids the clerics. Without so many to read it is easier to change the meanings of the verses to whatever purpose they want, much the way fundamentalist Christian preachers do.

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Posted in War Zone, World News6 Comments

What Is Wrong With This Picture from Afghanistan?

What Is Wrong With This Picture from Afghanistan?

Since the beginning of the Afghan war, the coalition forces have been having a hard time training and getting the loyalty of the Afghan police and soldiers they were training to fight the Taliban and Al Queda.

“Why?” so many drill instructors, trainers, Generals and other Allied personnel have asked themselves and their superiors over and over again.

This is important especially when the people you are training might turn around their guns and take their bullets out on you instead of the Taliban; or because they ARE the Taliban. Continue Reading

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