President Obama defended today his administration’s response to the Benghazi terror attack as a car bomb explosion killed several people near a Benghazi hospital.

“Nobody understood exactly what was taking place during the course of those first few days” Obama said of last year’s attack on the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi as the blast today left at least nine dead, including two children.

His remarks were in response to recent hearings conducted by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, which began investigating the attack in October of 2012, around the time four bombings killed 15 in Pakistan, 8 in Beirut, 24 in southern Yemen, and 19 in Afghanistan’s northern Balkh Province. Continue Reading

In light of recent events in Boston and West, TX, Satire has decided to take a break. Luckily, there are people in this world that can step in at a moment’s notice and fill her shoes quite nicely.

The North Korean government, a faithful part of the substitute pool for many years, was called in at the last minute to take over Satire’s duties while she was out on leave. Continue Reading

It’s rare we break from comedy, but special circumstances prevail. Scroll down to see the graphic.

Don’t despair that there are a handful of psychopaths in the world, but take comfort in knowing they are out-manned and out numbered by heroes. People who run towards the disaster to help the victims.

There is video of the immediate aftermath in which you can see journalists and photographers moving fencing out of the way. They’re heroes because there job is to document, not to help, but they just can’t stop themselves when they see dire need.

This horrendous act was likely done to send a message, but what we’ve heard is a different message. That whoever you are, whatever you are, you and your cause are on the verge of extinction. Last time we were sent a message, we destroyed an entire country. No law or policy will change in your favor because of this. You just made it worse.

NOTE: I couldn’t find credit for the source image I used, but they’re welcome to have double the nothing I’ll earn from this.

CLICK HERE TO SEE IT LARGE-SIZE

North Korea is more than the hermit kingdom to me. It’s a place of untold misery, indoctrination and false belief in a false deity. You know, like religion.

I don’t mean that as a slam on Christianity, specifically. No, that’s ridiculous.

I meant it as a slam on each and every religion of this world, saver perhaps for Pastafarianism, which doesn’t have legal recognition as a church, despite it’s adherents appearing regularly in parades and showing their pride on shirts, bumper stickers and car decals. Continue Reading

A long range missile shot by North Korea over Japan on Sunday turned out to be a giant tube filled with Mentos and Diet Pepsi.

The missile shot sent fear through the Asian nations that perceive North Korea as a wild card capable of anything.

Country leader Kim Il Un claimed that the missile merely sent a communications satellite into orbit, but most believe that it was really a test of their long range missile capabilities. Continue Reading

Following a bloody, three-hour gun battle on the outskirts of Seattle, armed loyalists to ousted editor Brian K. White have reclaimed the offices.

Glossy News had been under the control of The Blaze, Inc., which many considered hostile, for less than twelve hours when the fighting began. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to meet the growing diversity of the nation, the Department of Justice has announced changes to physical requirements for FBI special agents which will replace regular running with power walking.

Current requirements for selection make applicants run 1.5 miles in under 11 minutes. Under the new plan, one who can power walk the same distance in approximately an hour will be considered equally capable. Continue Reading

U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, who is a member of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, revealed to a North Carolina Rotary Club last Thursday that CIA drones had achieved 4700 targeted assassinations (to use the Israeli term), mostly in the last few years. His office was not answering inquiries, perhaps because the figures are considered a secret. However, this reporter was able to reach one committee member that agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, to whom I shall refer as Sen. Flimsy Grime for this report.

RIGHT: Sen. Lindsey Graham gives the heads up. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

Washington DC- Senior pentagon officials have released a statement where they have confirmed the long speculated existence of a French military.

“We were just scanning Africa, you know, because we were bored,” says an off the record source. “And because we were especially bored, we happened to scan over Mali. You would not believe what we found there. A French military.”

Other sources verify the claims made by US Military intelligence.

“There, in fact, seems to be some sort of military capability coming from France,” Explains Sierra Santiago of the American Red Cross.

RIGHT: Silly hats have been a clear distinction of tracking down French military personel.
(CLICK TO ENLARGE)

“We were just responding to a request of the Malian government in regards to prisoners of war. Then it turns out, the French were the ones who captured them. Go figure.”

Although the French Military has been typically regarded as a welcoming committee by many respectable historians and the public alike.

When asked about the possibility of the existence of a French military threat, President Barack Obama responded after a brief moment of laughter. He said, “I have met with the French prime minister, and he reassured me that they did not have a military.”

Jean-Marc Ayrault, Prime Minister of France, responded by reassuring the international community that France does indeed have a capable and powerful military. He then hastily drew a picture of a tank and insisted it was satellite footage.

Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta reassured a room full of wrestles reporters that, “ It doesn’t matter if they do or do not have a military. I remain fairly confident that it would have very little impact utilized in any capacity.”

Francios Hollande, President and Commander in Chief of the French military pleaded, “Does every one think Al-Quaeda of the Maghreb just left Gao?”

This drew nothing but blank stares from the reporters present at the press conference.

Hollande responded by exclaiming, “It’s the biggest city in Mali!”

When questioned about the ordeal, Vice President Joe Biden commented by saying, “French Military? You mean French manicure, ha. Am I right? Seriously, French military is an oxymoron. Its pretty easy to attack Libya when you got our kick ass drones backing you up.”

At this time, the speculations still remain uncorroborated with high profile arguments going either way. Although there seems to be hard evidence for the existence of a French military, there doesn’t seem to be much effect from it.

A US Senator is drawing the nation’s attention after publicizing a report suggesting an attack on family values is imminent.

Addressing a hastily-organized press conference Friday morning, Senator Tate Williams of Arkansas explained that his staff on the United States Senate Select Committee on Intelligence has intercepted reports of planned military action against family values in America by the Liberal Looney and Gay Alliance of California (the LLGAC). Continue Reading

WASHINGTON D.C.–Following the controversial lip-syncing performance by singing sensation Beyonce Knowles at the inauguration a couple weeks ago, a pall of skepticism has hung over much of the administration’s policies and decisions, both current and past.

One seldom discussed but extremely crucial aspect of his legacy is at the forefront: the ongoing and widespread campaign against terror in Yemen, Pakistan, and Afghanistan. Continue Reading

Recently discovered communication between key Founding Fathers and the kings of both England and France has brought into question what has always been considered historical fact: specifically, America’s War of Independence from Great Britain.

This new evidence is pointing historians not to a war motivated by ideology and autonomy but to a grandly orchestrated pretext for wider gun usage. Continue Reading

A psychological investigative group has been studying why trained, professional medical people have been able to turn their back on their helping of their fellow man and resort to barbarianism as evidenced especially in Bashar al-Assad, the dictator of Syria who has no problem annihilating his own people.

Other famous historical medical giants who have turned into butchers are Radovan Karadzic, the former psychiatrist who lead Serbians to commit atrocities on captured Bosnians and Croatians. Continue Reading

The US government has decided to do what the NRA says and instead of not letting people buy a lot of guns and bullets that the would try to find the crazy people and just stop them from getting them.

As anyone knows, guns and bullets are just innocent formed pieces of metal that, of their own accord, would never want to hurt an ant. No. It is when bad people or crazy people get a hold of them and do bad things. Continue Reading

News sources from the Far East are reporting that a successful coup has brought the People’s Republic of China under Maltese control as a puppet state.

Sleeper agents from the island nation are believed to have been activated last evening in Beijing and proceeded to capture major instruments of government, including the Communist Party Central Committee and Central Military Commission. Continue Reading