LONDON, United Kingdom (GlossyNews) — Ever dream you were Maxwell Smart and had to reach Agent 99 in time to save her from a fate worse than death, only to find your cell phone dead, instead? Continue Reading

SEATTLE, Washington (GlossyNews) — Instant riches have been bestowed upon Freedom From Cellular Company, the inventor of the new, anti-cell phone jamming device called “The Silencer”. This fresh creation shuts down any irritating cell phones in the users vicinity making them inoperable. It is in such demand that they can now only be found for purchase on the Internet. The Silencer will shut up any cellphone anywhere, anytime within a 30 foot radius of the user. The machine has brought blessed silence, peace and quiet to the thousands of customers who already possess them. Continue Reading

BEIJING, China (GlossyNews) — Although the Chinese government has allowed consumers in Mainland China to own earlier versions of the iPhone, they are now cracking down saying that the iPhone 4 is too advanced and could bring more harm than good to the government and its citizens.

While Apple’s international sales force has been quick to point out that the iPhone 4 is far less superior than the ads let on, their reverse sales pitch is going nowhere. Continue Reading

CORNUCOPIA, California (GlossyNews) — Tech stocks are expected to open sharply lower tomorrow in reaction to the disturbing news from England. While it initially seemed Apple’s latest version of the I-phone was another unqualified triumph, hopes are now quickly fading.

Market watchers are taking a bearish ‘too soon to say’ attitude on Apple stock. Said Gordon Gecko of investment bank Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, “This could be Steve Jobs’ Katrina, no kidding.” Continue Reading

Cupertino, Ca (GlossyNews) — In what seemed to be a case of apparent carelessness on the part of an alleged Apple employee a next generation iPad was reported lost — eventually found — in a parking lot.

A leading technology Weblog about consumer electronics reportedly bought the next iPad from a piss drunk seventeen year old high school kid sobering up before he could drive himself home. Continue Reading

Utah, Behind the Zion Curtain (GlossyNews) — The iPad sucks. Whew, there, I said it, let the games begin. The iPad – single tasking handheld tablet computer that has the ability to enter local area networks and the internet, along with the inability to process at least one of the most popular multimedia data formats on the network — even though it has exceptional graphics. It does not offer stylus or pen computing or any handwriting capability (although, that may be a plus).

maXiPad? So what is it? It isn’t new, that’s for sure. Continue Reading

Des Plains, IL (GlossyNews) — A Park Ridge, IL wedding party turned to disaster when an iPhone user died and three more suffered minor burns after the man inadvertently opened a volatile combination of iPhone apps. Ray Lipton, 35, of Elmhurst was pronounced dead at the scene.

“Ray was showing me his new ‘Gas Pump’ app and it seemed to be working fine until the pump started overfilling the gas tank,” Tanya Damperling, Lipton’s date, sobbed as she recalled the terrible accident.

“There was gas all over the place and Ray was doing his best to turn the pump off, but the ‘Drop your cigarette and squash it with your foot’ app opened up instead. Continue Reading

CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Steve Jobs, co-founder and CEO of Apple Inc., proudly took the podium yesterday at the company’s headquarters for a surprise product announcement.

“The wait is over;” proclaimed Jobs, “I proudly give you the ‘Is It Raining?’ app!” Continue Reading

Cupertino, CA Apple Inc. CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs was at it, again, doing what he does best — when not shouting at helpless employees at HQ, or in and out of hospital.

He was preaching the gospel of it’s newest product the iPad formerly known as the iTablet, with a low-cal version called the iTab.

For a product that has yet to hit the market, the iPad is touted by many technology pundits and TechTrendsTrackers, a leading [San Francisco]Bay area fad consultancy as the ‘ultimate iPhone and MacBook killer in a single blow and possibly,Macgod forbid, the iPod. Continue Reading

WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ – NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or have been otherwise discommoded while using the safe-ish sex device. Consequently Merck pharmaceutical is launching Let Freedom Ring, an ad campaign designed to “square the circle with NuvaRing,” said Jeanne Larouche, a Merck official. Continue Reading

A recent study claims Technological Deprivation can be deadly among those 12-25. Technological Deprivation (TD) occurs when individuals are abruptly and tragically separated from their cellphones, Ipods, Laptops, and other life sustaining devices. This age group is the most likely to be affected as they are the most dependant on technology. Continue Reading

CHICAGO, IL — Spendrift T. Hwart, science historian for the Doomsday Clock group, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, held a press conference today to announce that it would move the hands of the clock from five to six minutes before midnight. Amidst a virtual tumultuous applause from throughout the developed world, Mr. Hwart bowed and smiled as he acknowledged that he virtually imagined the resounding notice. Continue Reading

Zamfir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Meet the Press yesterday, Verizon’s James Earl Jones hinted that Zamfir may be the latest Al-Qaeda attempt to undermine truth, justice, and the American way—either that or Catherine Zeta Jones (no relation) is responsible. Continue Reading

New York, NY – Since the cell phone market is maturing, where are the phone companies going to go to increase sales? The Homeless. Problem is there is no mail address to send the monthly bills, and prepaid only works for people with permanent home addresses as well. Continue Reading

Addressing a press conference at his corporate headquarters in California’s Silicone Valley, Steve Jobs, the company founder of Crapple, announced today that they has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

This is further being considered a major social breakthrough due the fact whingeing women are forever complaining about men staring at their boobs and yet never listening to them. Continue Reading

Worried about getting your youngsters a pet for Christmas – a cuddly kitten or puppy –then face the moral conscience dilemma of having to go and dump it up the arse end of the wilderness a few weeks later – to keep the legion of other evicted pets company – when the kids get tired of playing with it.

No problems anymore – technology has come to the rescue. The UK toy store shelves are chocker full of the latest and greatest in cuddly robotic pet innovations – Go-Go Pets – the “must-have” present for Christmas 2009. Continue Reading

The long wait is finally over for video game aficionados and those chronically addicted and desperate to get their hands on a copy of Call of Duty : Modern Warfare Mk 2 – the festive season’s latest release for a Christmas Day surprise – Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all Men (apart from those nasty unwashed Muslim Jolly Jihadi scumbags and any other f*cker and their dog who we’ve decided to indiscriminately label enemies). Continue Reading

Washington, DC – The “Air phone look” is a person’s left or right arm crooked with the hand touching the ear and lips simultaneously with the thumb and little finger extended, 3 other fingers folded under the palm.

Everyone’s doing it whether it’s on TV or in the movies; on buses or trains; even through plate glass windows — and always with the mouthed “call me” attached. AT&T, Comcast, Verizon and Sprint are foaming at the mouth over this blatant quasi phone usage without paying for it. Continue Reading