2008- Russia invades former ‘comrade’ nation Georgia because Putin ‘has Georgia on his mind….’.
March 2014- Russia takes over the Crimea because they want to protect their naval fleet, and their hidden stores of vodka.
June 2014- Russia begins infiltration and takeover of eastern Ukraine, wanting to ‘protect the Russians living there’ who invaded centuries ago.
December 2014- Russia invades Greece because it needs a base in the Mediterranean. Says that it wants to protect two Russian pensioners living in Athens. They also believe they have to ‘protect’ Greece because the Greek have a funny alphabet just like the Russians do.
April 2015- Putin attacks Estonia and Latvia. Claims that since they already know how to speak Russian from the former Soviet domination they should naturally be a part of ‘Greater Russia’.
November 2015- Russia invades England. Since British royalty was indirectly related to the Czars then naturally England should be a part of the ‘homeland’.
May 2015- Russia annexes Alaska because it was once a Russian territory, because they have old Russian Orthodox churches throughout the state and also just to piss Sarah Palin off.
September 2015- Putin takes over Greenland so that they ‘will have matching frozen land masses on either side of Canada’. Also to liberate Greenlanders from having to speak a minor language such as Danish for their main dialogue when they could be speaking world famous Russian.
January 2016- Russia claims sovereignty over Tanzania because it never got to have African colonies during the great European land grab of the 1800’s there and felt left out. Plus it would a be a warm place to have a dacha in the middle of winter.
July 2016- Russia claims Antarctica as its own because Russians are used to cold environments and would know best how to manage it. Plus Antarctica needed a unifying language- Russian.
August 2016- Russian soldiers invade San Francisco because there is a part of town called Russian Hill.
December 2016- Russia takes over Liechtenstein just because it is easy and they have nothing better to do this time of year.
February 2017- Putin takes over France just because Napoleon once tired to mess with Russia. Plus Russians go crazy over all that fatty French food.
March 2017- The ‘New Russia’ invades Brazil because the women are so hot there and Putin needs more males born to make up for all those killed taking over other countries. Putin orders the men to “make the babies there in Brazil where it is warmer thereby the sperm count will be higher.”
April 2017- Russia declares Putin ‘Emperor of the World’ envisioning the rest of their forthcoming incursions.