Arms Manufacturers Hope for Another Massacre To Stimulate Lagging Gun Sales

According to a recent article, guns sales have fallen off sharply since the days of the Sandy Hook and Batman movie massacres which is worrying arms manufacturers and salesmen.

The fear of having guns banned or limited sent gun lovers, conspiracy theorists, survivalists and various assorted whackos scurrying for their local gun shops to buy up whatever thunder sticks and ammos they could get their hands on.

Those times are now referred to as ‘the good ole’ days” by shop owners.

Trying to come up with a way to stimulate sales, gun manufacturers have come up with quite creative ways of getting former customers out in their communities and sharing their bullets with their neighbors.

Fred Kretin of the ‘Fun Guns’ manufacturing firm in North Ridge, North Carolina had a local ‘Take A Gun To School Day’ promotion. “So far we’ve had only five parents show up to take advantage of our deals. Not a lot, but all it takes is one!” he said enthusiastically. “Now that we have started selling to the kids themselves directly sales are much better.”

Another gun manufacturer, ‘Right Between The Eyes’, took their wares to the local branches of the ‘Almost Ready For Embalming’ Nursing Home chain for demonstrations and free overnight loans of assault rifles with their “There Could Be A Radical Muslim Outside Your Door At Any Moment” campaign which has proved very successful. Unfortunately it has led to a reduction in the number of professional night time health care staff in the areas where it was presented.

Shop owners too are trying new sales schemes. Thomas Barton of the “Whites Of Their Eyes” shop in Bitchin, Nebraska came up with his Russian Roulette special where for every two hand guns bought you got enough ammunition for them minus one bullet for each gun.

“People have been killing each other to get these!” said Barton. We are assuming he was speaking metaphorically.

‘Only a Flesh Wound’ shop owner James Sycho upped the excitement level of his gun shop/firing range by placing the hay bales holding the targets between two rows of facing shooters with participants shooting at the targets separating them. ”It gives you both the excitement of real combat and the realistic injuries.” stated Sycho proudly.

One desperate owner was Johannes Blanks whose store, “Fire At Will” was about to go bankrupt. He took to handing out free loaded rifles at the entrance to the Eastside Mall in Shotgunn, Michigan for 30 minutes free usage. Said Blanks “I just got to do something to get me out of this slump. I still got car payments on my Porsche to make!”

One of the more extreme and impoverished gun shop owners, Elmer Fudd of the ‘Scwery Wabbit Guns and Ammo Store’ in Fuddlebrain Florida, decided to use the real Obama, the favored tar baby of most gun lovers hatred, for target practice during a vacation in Washington, D.C. instead of the cardboard cutouts he himself manufactured and sold.

He is now serving a long sentence at a nearby Federal prison for his creative ambition. His last words before his incarceration were “Tha….tha…that’s all folks!”

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Author: rfreed

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at