Posted in Society Strange People

Local Man Preemptively Places Decorative Christmas Deer in Doggy Style Position

WICHITA – On Monday afternoon local man and self-described holiday enthusiast Phillip Bakers preemptively arranged his two decorative outdoor Christmas reindeer, a common addition to the front yards of many Christian Americans, in the doggy style position. “I know that…

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Posted in Health Science

Widespread Ebola Pandemic Fears A “Huge Confidence Booster” For Previously Modest Ebolavirus

SENEGAL – Explaining that it was, “as surprised as the next viral particle,” about the panic surrounding a potential global Ebola outbreak, EBOV, the virus responsible for Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever, held a press conference this week detailing its seemingly pleasant…

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Posted in Religionism Society

God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”

DATELINE: HEAVEN – In response to Dr. Stephen Hawking’s confirmation of his atheism this week, the Christian deity and almighty creator Yahweh announced that the universe’s existence could be explained without the need for a Stephen Hawking. “Following peer-reviewed religious…

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Posted in Biz News Technology

Netflix to Extend Time Elapsed Before “Are You Still Watching?” Prompt

CALIFORNIA: Neil Hunt, Chief Product Officer for Netflix, announced today that the company would be increasing the amount of time a viewer must watch a show before the video service asks if they are, indeed, still watching. “In 103% of…

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Posted in Environment Science

Asteroid RC 15: “I Purposely Avoided Collision With Earth”

OUTER SPACE: In an exclusive interview, RC15, an asteroid that, on Sunday, passed closer to earth than the moon, says it purposely avoided a collision with our planet. “I really, really did not want to hit you guys after I…

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Posted in Biz News Gadgets & Gizmos

Apple to Remotely Disable All iPhone 4S Models and Older 7 Days After iPhone 6 Release

CALIFORNIA: In a statement released today by Apple CEO Tim Cook, all iPhone models 4S and older are scheduled to be shut down and remotely wiped seven days after the release of the iPhone 6 on September 9th. “Customers who…

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Posted in Religionism Society

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

ST. LOUIS – Explaining that he had, “literally no idea what they were thinking,” deity of the Catholic Church and contributing author Yahweh said in a press release he would no longer be accepting prayer requests from officials at Cor…

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Posted in Environment Internets Tubes

EPA Report: ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

WASHINGTON – In an alarming press conference delivered this afternoon, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy announced that the ALS “Ice Bucket Challenge,” which has, since June 30th, gone viral on social media websites like Facebook and Twitter, is estimated…

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Posted in Sports Sportsfolk

St. Louis Rams Cut Michael Sam for Being “Not Gay Enough”

ST. LOUIS – In a statement released today by St. Louis Rams Head Coach Jeff Fischer, defensive end Michael Sam did not make the latest round of roster cuts because of his apparent lack of homosexual tendencies. “Honestly, as a…

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