Black Friday Special: Green Bio-Methane Grill

Innovar Products LLC has something for every taste this holiday season. It’s a grill that cooks up your favorite steaks, burgers and even veggie burgers, with 100% natural gas reclaimed from renewable sources.

“It’s the greenest thing this side of grass,” says Jason Holmesworth, marketing director for Innovar. “Methane is the leading greenhouse gas. We’re capturing it in a natural, non-invasive way, and selling it to eco-friendly consumers.” Read more Black Friday Special: Green Bio-Methane Grill

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Scientists Embarrassed To Have Just Now Found World’s Largest Volcano

TOKYO — Geologists working with the Institute of Really Obvious Shit (IROS) sheepishly admitted yesterday that they have just now found the world’s largest volcano.

According to Lead Researcher Dr. Cataract, “It’s a big ol’ fucker, too. Not sure how we missed it. But, well, there it is.”

RIGHT: A photo of a different, far-more-interesting volcano that actually has the lava and the explosions and what not, and which was probably discovered back when it mattered.. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read more Scientists Embarrassed To Have Just Now Found World’s Largest Volcano

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Causality up-ended in the Southern Hemisphere (comic)

Imagine if penguins got around to being hack philosophers, and they did it causal Friday. Casual Friday? Either way, doesn’t matter, they’re just flightless birds, so don’t take them too seriously.

If causality had made you a penguin, would you ponder the existence of existence? Read more Causality up-ended in the Southern Hemisphere (comic)

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Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite international concern over CO2 emissions and rising global temperatures, people from all across Indiana are discovering that global warming is, for better or worse, producing some really fucking awesome weather right now.

Fears over increasing sea-levels, ferocious natural disasters and far-reaching droughts were cast aside this afternoon as Hoosiers enjoyed a comfortable 62 degrees – unseasonably high for early January. Read more Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather

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God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS, LA – As Storm Debby battered the state of Florida Monday, His Lordship Almighty God apologized profusely to the Sunshine State, after admitting that the tropical storm – which has caused widespread flooding in Tampa, Tallahassee and Jacksonville – was in fact intended solely for New Orleans. Read more God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

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It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm

INDIANAPOLIS – Not content to just sit at home, local man Brian Caskey insists it’ll take more than this lousy-ass thunderstorm to prevent him from making the stupid and highly irresponsible decision to go walking during a thunderstorm.

Heading out to a grocery store in downtown Indianapolis Monday, Caskey was seen gesticulating upward to the gloomy skies, while crying out: “is this the best you can do?” Read more It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm

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WebMD-diagnosed Man Definitely Has AIDS, or Possibly Just Eczema

DES MOINES, IOWA — It was reported earlier today that local farmer Henry Myopic “definitely [has] AIDS… or maybe eczema.”

The 73-year-old Myopic, who regularly checks the WebMD website in an effort to pinpoint his assorted ailments, was able to narrow his latest illness down to one of the two diseases after nearly an hour of careful research. Read more WebMD-diagnosed Man Definitely Has AIDS, or Possibly Just Eczema

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“Rainbow” Comes Out as Heterosexual

In what is being hailed as the most highly viewed TV moment of all time, the Rainbow came out of the cosmic closet yesterday and announced on the Ellen Show that she is, in fact, a heterosexual.

For much of history, the inspiring optical phenomenon was assumed to be purely asexual. But then, since the 1970’s, everyone naturally assumed it had turned gay. Read more “Rainbow” Comes Out as Heterosexual

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Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon. Read more Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

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Arbor Day a Real Holiday, Many Celebrate (comic)

It makes sense. All you have to do to honor Arbor Day is plant some trees. It’s the day of trees, after all. Find a good spot with some sunshine, throw down a seedling, call it a day, right?

It turns out it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, it turns out, you have to also obey the law and not get yourself arrested. Seems crazy, right? I mean, we’re just talking about trees, aren’t we? Read more Arbor Day a Real Holiday, Many Celebrate (comic)

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Tatooine Womp Rat Believed Extinct

Officials with the Tatooine Department of Wildlife announced today that the long imperiled womp rat is believed to be extinct in the wild. At not much bigger than two meters, womp rat numbers declined steadily since human settlement, mostly due to habitat loss as native desert was converted to moisture farms.

But it was the local practice of “bulls-eyeing” that finally pushed the species over the brink. Read more Tatooine Womp Rat Believed Extinct

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Stop to Smell the Roses, Sunset, etc. (comic)

Sunsets are pretty, no two ways about it. You have to really stop and take them in. Watch the hues shift, take in the deep colors as they melt across the sky… but there’s more to it.

They’re red aren’t they? Awfully red. Why is that? You could argue it’s because God loves you and He knows what looks pleasing to you, or you could argue that it’s because you left your lights on, kept the coal-fired plant running longer, and now the environment is irreparably harmed.

Click on the image to see the cartoon full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Why is Spring so Dangerous for Dandelions (comic)

Obviously rain showers for spring flowers whatever, I’m sure there’s an axiom in there, but why are the common yard scourge the Dandelion so dangerous, especially in Spring, and why am I asking this is such elusive ways?

Click on the image to see it in full resolution.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Johnny Appleseed’s True Legacy Revealed (comic)

We all learned the story of Johnny Appleseed as children, and for some reason we were taught that he was a great and noble man. He did charitable works, but that’s hardly the whole story.

As this comic points out, today he’d have quite a different name, as he travels the frontier-land planting non-native species of plants.

Click image to see the cartoon full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Tornado Causes Widespread Improvement Across Central Indiana

ANDERSON – A violent tornado that ripped through the heartland of America yesterday has left thousands of damaged homes looking slightly better than they did before the catastrophe.

A level-3 warning was issued on Monday ahead of projected storms and wind gusts across parts of Indiana, with the towns of New Castle, Anderson and Daleville benefiting most from the disaster. Read more Tornado Causes Widespread Improvement Across Central Indiana

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Melting Glaciers Making “Really Nice” Ice Cubes for Inuits

GREENLAND–Last year, a melting glacier known as the Petermann glacier calved off a sizable chunk of ice approximately twice the size of Manhattan.

And the Inuit couldn’t be happier.

Apparently, the Greenlandic natives have been benefiting from global warming trends for quite some time. Much of the ice that has been breaking off of these glaciers is going directly into their handmade water pouches. Read more Melting Glaciers Making “Really Nice” Ice Cubes for Inuits

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Wild West, Non-Wisconsin Weinie Winters

Anyone who has spent any time in Colorado or any western ski resort areas has noticed the high density of Wisconsiners living there (to avoid any violent misunderstandings and to remain socially correct, by ‘high density’ I am referring to the percentage of population, not the thickness of their skulls).

There is a disproportionally large population of them coming from a state with only five million, most of them cows. I am one myself (a Wisconsiner, not a cow.) but don’t tell anyone. Read more Wild West, Non-Wisconsin Weinie Winters

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