Santa Gives China High-Sulfur Coal for Being Bad

Santa isn’t pulling any punches this Christmas.

China was bad. REAL bad.

Executing thousands of people for economic, social, political, drug crimes. Then selling their organs. Making the families of the deceased pay for the bullets.

Oppressing Tibetans and Uighurs and anyone else they happen to have under their thumbs. Read more Santa Gives China High-Sulfur Coal for Being Bad

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Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter

Whew! That was that a close call. There was a point earlier this week when I thought I might never see my kids again. Worse yet, I feared that my final blog post might be last week’s lame rant about Sarah Palin.

How humiliating. I live in Seattle, and for the past ten days, the entire city has been hunkered down in the grips of an arctic blast so bone-chillingly cold that most of us wondered if we’d ever again be able to venture outdoors in December in flip flops and shorts. Read more Seattle’s narrow escape from the icy grip of winter

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“Old Man” Winter Relinquishes Control to Son Biff

Old Man Winter has reportedly turned over operational control of the winter season to his son, Biff according to sources close to the personification of nature.

Citing health issues, Old Man Winter made the announcement in late November and his overly ambitious son has wasted no time in establishing complete control over the frigid manifestation.

After first declaring himself president and CEO of Winter, Inc. Biff Winter called a news conference early this morning to confirm that he indeed has the reins of all daily operations. Read more “Old Man” Winter Relinquishes Control to Son Biff

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Black Friday Special: Green Bio-Methane Grill

Innovar Products LLC has something for every taste this holiday season. It’s a grill that cooks up your favorite steaks, burgers and even veggie burgers, with 100% natural gas reclaimed from renewable sources.

“It’s the greenest thing this side of grass,” says Jason Holmesworth, marketing director for Innovar. “Methane is the leading greenhouse gas. We’re capturing it in a natural, non-invasive way, and selling it to eco-friendly consumers.” Read more Black Friday Special: Green Bio-Methane Grill

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Scientists Embarrassed To Have Just Now Found World’s Largest Volcano

TOKYO — Geologists working with the Institute of Really Obvious Shit (IROS) sheepishly admitted yesterday that they have just now found the world’s largest volcano.

According to Lead Researcher Dr. Cataract, “It’s a big ol’ fucker, too. Not sure how we missed it. But, well, there it is.”

RIGHT: A photo of a different, far-more-interesting volcano that actually has the lava and the explosions and what not, and which was probably discovered back when it mattered.. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read more Scientists Embarrassed To Have Just Now Found World’s Largest Volcano

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Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite international concern over CO2 emissions and rising global temperatures, people from all across Indiana are discovering that global warming is, for better or worse, producing some really fucking awesome weather right now.

Fears over increasing sea-levels, ferocious natural disasters and far-reaching droughts were cast aside this afternoon as Hoosiers enjoyed a comfortable 62 degrees – unseasonably high for early January. Read more Global Warming Producing Some Really Effing Awesome Weather

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God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS, LA – As Storm Debby battered the state of Florida Monday, His Lordship Almighty God apologized profusely to the Sunshine State, after admitting that the tropical storm – which has caused widespread flooding in Tampa, Tallahassee and Jacksonville – was in fact intended solely for New Orleans. Read more God Apologizes to Florida: Storm Debby Actually Intended for New Orleans

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It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm

INDIANAPOLIS – Not content to just sit at home, local man Brian Caskey insists it’ll take more than this lousy-ass thunderstorm to prevent him from making the stupid and highly irresponsible decision to go walking during a thunderstorm.

Heading out to a grocery store in downtown Indianapolis Monday, Caskey was seen gesticulating upward to the gloomy skies, while crying out: “is this the best you can do?” Read more It’ll Take More Than A Lousy Thunderstorm to Stop Man Making Stupid Decision to Go Walking During A Thunderstorm

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WebMD-diagnosed Man Definitely Has AIDS, or Possibly Just Eczema

DES MOINES, IOWA — It was reported earlier today that local farmer Henry Myopic “definitely [has] AIDS… or maybe eczema.”

The 73-year-old Myopic, who regularly checks the WebMD website in an effort to pinpoint his assorted ailments, was able to narrow his latest illness down to one of the two diseases after nearly an hour of careful research. Read more WebMD-diagnosed Man Definitely Has AIDS, or Possibly Just Eczema

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“Rainbow” Comes Out as Heterosexual

In what is being hailed as the most highly viewed TV moment of all time, the Rainbow came out of the cosmic closet yesterday and announced on the Ellen Show that she is, in fact, a heterosexual.

For much of history, the inspiring optical phenomenon was assumed to be purely asexual. But then, since the 1970’s, everyone naturally assumed it had turned gay. Read more “Rainbow” Comes Out as Heterosexual

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Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon. Read more Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

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Arbor Day a Real Holiday, Many Celebrate (comic)

It makes sense. All you have to do to honor Arbor Day is plant some trees. It’s the day of trees, after all. Find a good spot with some sunshine, throw down a seedling, call it a day, right?

It turns out it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, it turns out, you have to also obey the law and not get yourself arrested. Seems crazy, right? I mean, we’re just talking about trees, aren’t we? Read more Arbor Day a Real Holiday, Many Celebrate (comic)

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