Archive | Science & Technologizzy

Olive Garden’s Dirty Secret Uncovered!

Olive Garden’s Dirty Secret Uncovered!

Willow Grove, Pennsylvania – The location where the last known Olive Garden once stood before it succumbed to extinction was the site of a groundbreaking find on Thursday when archaeologists unexpectedly discovered a new insect that has been named the Mantodoughia Dictyoptera or Baking Mantis.

The insect is a close relative of the Praying Mantis although it has different features including a body in the shape of a breadstick and the ability to lure in its prey with a strong aroma of buttery garlic spray. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Self-Driving Electric Cars will Soon Be Free, If You Can Afford One

Self-Driving Electric Cars will Soon Be Free, If You Can Afford One

When I add “self-driving” to “electric car”, you may envision a double-unicorn, but these beasts of legend are right around the corner, and they will be damn near free, assuming you can afford one.

Elon Musk has announced that “The Tesla car next year will probably be 90 percent capable of autopilot.” Cadillac will have their “hands & feet free” cruise control shortly thereafter. Nissan has repeated stated that they will have 100% autonomous vehicles by 2020. Remember, that’s only five years away.

An autonomous electric car would save you so much money it could easily pay for itself.

Let’s look at the 10-year cost of owning a new car

Fuel Cost:

According to PlugInAmerica, the average cost for a gallon of regular gasoline in the US over the past three years was $3.53/gallon. By using 15,000 miles as the average amount of miles a person will drive in a year, the annual cost of gasoline for the average car will be $2,135 per year.

Conversely, the average cost of electricity in the US is 12 cents per kWh. Therefore the average person driving an average EV 15,000 miles per year pay about $540 per year to charge it.

SAVINGS: $1,595 per year. $15,950 over ten years.

Insurance Cost:

Assuming you have a clean driving record, you can insure most vehicles with liability-only for about $750/year, with collision adding another $500. Comprehensive, the insurance that covers your damages if someone else hits you, is only a couple hundred.

Self-Driving cars have thus far proved to be extremely safe and highly unlikely to cause an accident. Google has already logged over 700,000 autonomous miles without causing an accident. This means that liability and collision insurance for self-driving cars will have substantially lower insurance premiums. Perhaps only 20% of the current rates.

SAVINGS: $1,000 per year. $12,000 over ten years.

Maintenance Cost:

Electric cars have fewer moving parts than an internal combustion vehicle. Think of the items that most commonly fail on cars, and you’ll find almost none of them on an electric car. In my 24-years of driving I’ve had maintenance and repairs like:

• Replace fuel pumps
• Replace a bad transmissions
• Replace a clutch
• Repair leaky, failing exhaust
• Oil changes
• Blown radiator
• Replace water pump (three different vehicles!)
• Blown head gasket
• Lost belts
• Replace timing chain
• Full system fluid flush

None of these things are required to repair or maintenance because these systems don’t even exist in an electric car. The cost of maintaining an electric car is estimated to be 1/3rd less than that of an internal combustion vehicle. So instead of $14,310 over the first eight years, it’s more like $9,444.

SAVINGS: $487 per year. $4,866 over ten years.

Purchase Cost:

At this point, the question isn’t “how much does it cost” but rather, “how much is it worth?”

If you could get a self-driving, electric car that lasts 10-years for $15,950 (or $19,885, since many states exempt sales tax on electric vehicles and there is a federal tax credit of $2,500 toward the purchase of one,) it would literally become a zero cost car just from the savings in fuel prices.

If you could whack another $12,000 off on insurance premiums, that means you’d get a free ten-year car even if it cost $33,014.

And with the maintenance cost savings factored in, it would get you up to a retail purchase price of $38,269.

The Choice

If I offered you a brand new gasoline powered car for FREE, or a brand new electic car or equal quality for $38,269, your ten year cost of ownership would be identical. They would both cost you the same. But gasoline cars are not free. They still cost serious money.

The cheapest cars on the market are around $15,000. A $15k gasoline car would cost the same over a ten year period as a $52,269 electric vehicle.

Batteries are expensive, there’s no getting around that. They are steadily coming down in price, and may see a huge dip once Tesla’s GigaFactory is running, but for now, let’s forget that. If a manufacturer could offer you a 100% electric, self-driving vehicle for less than $53,000, and you can afford it, you would be pennywise and a pound of dumbass if you didn’t take it.

The rich can afford to get richer

It still doesn’t pay to be broke. The rich get 0% financing, instead of the 582% charged by payday lenders in Idaho. Having money to keep in your bank account makes it a free service, as opposed to those who dip below zero and incur fees of $35 per transaction. The house I’ve purchased for $1,228/month couldn’t be rented for less than $1,550, and the luxury furniture I bought cash cost a fraction what a rent-to-own contract would give me for inferior furnishings at a place like Aarons.

This is, unfortunately, more of the same. If you can buy such a vehicle outright, or finance it on A+ terms, you’ll know upfront how much money you’re saving, or actually making on the deal. If you don’t qualify for the payments, even considering you’ll save easily half of your payment in gas, maintenance and insurance costs, you’re still going to be left out in the cold.

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Posted in Technology0 Comments

American secret agents exposed by phone app?

American secret agents exposed by phone app?

A stunning announcement was made at a secret hacker conference last month to little fanfare.

An app was made available for the Android or IPhone platform that exposes the secret agents working for America’s top secret organizations.

Called “Find my Spy”, the app is supposed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. Since the announcement the app has gone viral and has reportedly been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

GOP Has Perfected Bush/Cheney Clone to Take Over 2016 Election

GOP Has Perfected Bush/Cheney Clone to Take Over 2016 Election

Republican geneticists have succeeded in their long term project to clone George W. Bush and Dick Cheney into a composite entity to enter into the 2016 Presidential elections.

This modern Frankenstein, born in a petrie dish and reared in secret, has been specially educated and trained to be an unswerving right wing pundit.

It has been modified genetically so that it develops to physical maturity in just a few years. The creature will never reached mental maturity, but that is nothing that the Republicans are not used to. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy2 Comments

Many Using iPhones to Surgically Replace Entire Brains

Many Using iPhones to Surgically Replace Entire Brains

In the latest cool trend to hit the streets masses of young people are getting their I-phones installed in their heads where their brains used to be.

The popularity and 24 hour a day usage of Apples extremely popular gadget has brought about this new fad that has taken the modern world by storm.

The surgical operation, which only takes a few hours but is costly, rewires a persons nerves to interact with the small machine instead of the much weightier brain which is removed. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology0 Comments

Netflix to Extend Time Elapsed Before “Are You Still Watching?” Prompt

Netflix to Extend Time Elapsed Before “Are You Still Watching?” Prompt

CALIFORNIA: Neil Hunt, Chief Product Officer for Netflix, announced today that the company would be increasing the amount of time a viewer must watch a show before the video service asks if they are, indeed, still watching.

“In 103% of cases, with a margin of error of 3%, the consumer is still watching [Netflix]. We vastly underestimated just how startlingly long the typical customer is engaged with our service.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Technology0 Comments

Asteroid RC 15: “I Purposely Avoided Collision With Earth”

Asteroid RC 15: “I Purposely Avoided Collision With Earth”

OUTER SPACE: In an exclusive interview, RC15, an asteroid that, on Sunday, passed closer to earth than the moon, says it purposely avoided a collision with our planet.

“I really, really did not want to hit you guys after I got close enough to see the kind of shit the human race is going through. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem whatsoever colliding with an inhabited planet. But once I realized how polluted, overpopulated, mismanaged, and just generally dismal Earth was, I had to do everything I could to miss you guys.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science1 Comment

Apple to Remotely Disable All iPhone 4S Models and Older 7 Days After iPhone 6 Release

Apple to Remotely Disable All iPhone 4S Models and Older 7 Days After iPhone 6 Release

CALIFORNIA: In a statement released today by Apple CEO Tim Cook, all iPhone models 4S and older are scheduled to be shut down and remotely wiped seven days after the release of the iPhone 6 on September 9th.

“Customers who have resisted upgrading to our exciting and new technology need to catch up to the rest of us, and we are requiring these individuals to experience our leap in innovation by September 16th,” said Cook.

“I mean, so much has changed since our 4S model. Personally, I can’t even begin to imagine how these people live their daily lives with the traditional 30 pin charging connector or a pathetic VGA front-facing camera.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Gadgets & Gizmos16 Comments

New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

Washington, D.C. – In an effort to promote breadstick awareness following the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, the United States Postal Service has announced the release of a set of commemorative stamps honoring the breadsticks that were once offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée.

“It’s a great day to be an American!” Said Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A.).

“We need to spread the word regarding this tragic event so that we can avoid similar instances in the future. The Olive Garden breadstick will always have a place in our hearts and now Americans can be proud to erect this historic stamp in the right-hand corner of their envelopes,” a tearful Bahkedfriesh added, while sealing the back of an envelope with the garlic butter from a moist breadstick.

While some are joyful for the release of the new stamp, environmentalists see it as a sign of dangerous events to come.

“Since the collapse of this great restaurant, combined with the extinction of breadsticks that used to come complimentary with the order of any entrée, we have been tracking very unusual weather patterns that mimic the image of a large salad bowl,” said Lead Meteorologist, Gerald O’Buttre of the National Weather Center (NWC) located on the University of Oklahoma’s campus.

“These storms are picking up speed and ingredients at an alarming pace and are making mincemeat of anything in their path,” a very concerned O’Buttre added.

The Syfy channel, owned by NBCUniversal recently announced that they are releasing a made-for-tv movie entitled Breadsterastorm, portraying this theory and starring Eddie Murphy, Bill Pullman and America’s breadheart, Catherine Zeta-Jones. The film is expected to air Thanksgiving Day and is beginning to attract more interest from breadthusiasts everywhere.

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Posted in Science, Television5 Comments

Brief Dating Site Blah Blah Whatever [VIDEO]

Brief Dating Site Blah Blah Whatever [VIDEO]

Dating sites pride themselves on how complicated they are. This site breaks that mold by asking you to do less and less.

“Almost nothing, really,” said Byron Dwight, CEO and actual site member. “Just a quick tl;dr of yourself and we’ll get you matched up with someone.”

TL;DR is an internet abbreviation meaning “too long; didn’t read,” and it’s the big selling point of Tillder Dating. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology, Video News3 Comments

EPA Report: ALS ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

EPA Report: ALS ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

WASHINGTON – In an alarming press conference delivered this afternoon, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy announced that the ALS “Ice Bucket Challenge,” which has, since June 30th, gone viral on social media websites like Facebook and Twitter, is estimated to be responsible for at least a 34% reduction in the mass of arctic sea ice. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Internets Tubes1 Comment

NRA Demands US Government Outlaw Drones Despite 2nd Amendment

NRA Demands US Government Outlaw Drones Despite 2nd Amendment

In a strange reversal of policy the NRA has demanded that the U.S. make a ban on drones very much like the ban on guns that they have so heatedly fought against in the past.

Speaking at a press conference NRA Fuhrer Wayne LaPierre has vehemently asserted that “Drones are dangerous! They are potential weapons of mass destruction! They should not be allowed in the wrong hands!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper

The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper

FLORENCE, Ariz. (GlossyNews) — A government think tank has come up with a novel idea to ensure there are no more botched executions like the one that occurred this week in Arizona. States have traveled a long and winding road to find alternatives after a shortage of standard execution drugs. This shortage was created by European drug manufacturers banging their opposition to capital punishment like a cowbell. Thus far, States have been unsuccessful in finding suitable alternatives as exemplified by West Virginia’s “meth, gun powder and white lightening” concoction that just seems to make the condemned more hostile than usual. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science, Top Stories2 Comments

How Old is Too Old for an iPhone?

How Old is Too Old for an iPhone?

Oberlin, OH — Annabel Smith, local 2 year old, coos as she goes through her mother’s iPhone, the screen illuminating her round face.

The iPhone is well equipped with several apps specifically for babies, such as Dora’s Ballet Adventure, and thousands of Anabel’s “selfies”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Technology1 Comment

New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

Damascus, Iowa – A new line of products released by Pet Food Enterprises, Inc., that was intended to provide humor and admiration over the recent extinction of Olive Garden restaurants and the late breadsticks offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée, has completely backfired. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Science & Technologizzy4 Comments

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

PITTSBURGH — Ruling that the threat to public safety is “theoretically a very real problem under the principles of String theory,” a two-judge panel has shut down ride-sharing at Kennywood park in West Mifflin.

The ruling makes it illegal for more than one person to ride on any of the park’s attractions at one time.

Though no major or minor injuries or incidents have occurred in recent history, the PUC said in a statement that, “Our job isn’t to consider public opinion, fun, or common sense. Our job is to look out for public safety in every imaginable universe, even the alternate universes wherein this issue presents an actual danger.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Technology2 Comments

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