THE WOODLANDS, TX (GlossyNews) — With the demise of the dinosaurs millions of years ago remaining a hotbed of debate and disagreement, scientists from around the globe gathered together for a conference to determine the conclusive cause of their eradication. Continue Reading

Washington, D.C. – In what was hailed as a “good news, bad news” story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation’s largest agricultural companies, has been granted a federal contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other things, will have a distinct yellow coloration to its leaves. Although seedless, the pot offers the same or better medicinal properties as that grown by private cultivators, due to the fact that all the plants processed will be female. Continue Reading

PACIFIC OCEAN, 135° to 155°W (GlossyNews) — Entrepreneurs worldwide are being lured by the siren call of opportunity rising from the Pacific. The middle of the Pacific Ocean, that is.

The multinational realty conglomerate, Glutton Realty, has purchased the vortex of marine litter in the central North Pacific Ocean known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. The company plans to convert the trash into a new mega-island. With more acreage than the state of Texas at their disposal, speculators anticipate selling these “premium” tropical parcels at astronomical prices. Continue Reading

Since learning of Phil Harris’ death a few weeks ago, sociologists from U.C. Berkeley have been working feverishly to complete a lengthy report on life — and more importantly, death — in the 49th state. Today, they published their preliminary findings. Continue Reading

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer Pharmaceutical claims they have developed a more potent placebo that has been proven to work better in controlled experiments than other doctor prescribed placebos.

“Our placebo has a foul taste and smell”, said Pfizer representative Peter Gruber. “Also, our placebo is more expensive than most other placebos. Continue Reading

After two decades of work, doctors and medical researchers in the United States believe they have evidence that abnormally low levels of serotonin — a chemical in the brain that helps control breathing during sleep — plays a pivotal role in causing sudden infant death syndrome. This discovery completely flies in the face of conventional wisdom, which has attributed the unexplained death of otherwise healthy infants to attacks by the Mesopotamian storm demon, Lilith. Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES, CA — Martin Freneticksburg, a college freshman, found himself diagnosed with social anxiety disorder last September after he pledged to a fraternity only to crumble under the ridicule and embarrassment of the customary hazing. Martin is not alone. Doctors say this experience is becoming more common in young adults, especially females. Continue Reading

A British team of doctors recently developed a color wheel that they say can be used to determine if mood affects color choice. The wheel, known as the “Manchester Color Wheel” (they obviously were spent after the research and could only muster a rather generic name for their invention), is comprised of a spectrum of colors on a wheel, and subjects were asked to point to the color that best described their mood. The study group consisted of 300 healthy subjects and around 220 subjects suffering from some type of anxiety or depression. Continue Reading

Cupertino, CA Apple Inc. CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs was at it, again, doing what he does best — when not shouting at helpless employees at HQ, or in and out of hospital.

He was preaching the gospel of it’s newest product the iPad formerly known as the iTablet, with a low-cal version called the iTab.

For a product that has yet to hit the market, the iPad is touted by many technology pundits and TechTrendsTrackers, a leading [San Francisco]Bay area fad consultancy as the ‘ultimate iPhone and MacBook killer in a single blow and possibly,Macgod forbid, the iPod. Continue Reading

Laredo, TX – Returning from a recent business conference on immigration in Mexico City, Microsoft Chairman William Gates, the world’s richest man, flew over what will become the new “RioGrande BushWall” near Laredo, Texas. Having told reporters in Mexico earlier, “I’m a big believer that freedom is a good thing,” he also noted that flexibility of movement for skilled workers in his company could be a little important. Continue Reading

Detroit, Mich. (GlossyNews): General Motors Corporation announced today the release of a line of high-tech vehicles designed to meet the demands of environmentally conscious consumers, as well as the new federal green-technologies regulations. According to a company spokesman, “The new biodegradable car, made entirely of remaindered Crocs, will return GM to international prominence as a leader in innovative automobile technologies, and position the company for increased market share in both the international and domestic markets.” Continue Reading

Charlie, a chimpanzee owned by animal psychologist Mary Lively, celebrated his 6th birthday by sending text messages on his very own laptop. The computer was specially designed for Charlie by Apeco Technologies at the urging of Lively after she had noticed that Charlie took an unusual interest in her computer while she did research. Continue Reading

WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ – NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or have been otherwise discommoded while using the safe-ish sex device. Consequently Merck pharmaceutical is launching Let Freedom Ring, an ad campaign designed to “square the circle with NuvaRing,” said Jeanne Larouche, a Merck official. Continue Reading

A recent study claims Technological Deprivation can be deadly among those 12-25. Technological Deprivation (TD) occurs when individuals are abruptly and tragically separated from their cellphones, Ipods, Laptops, and other life sustaining devices. This age group is the most likely to be affected as they are the most dependant on technology. Continue Reading

Berlin (GlossyNews) — The first man to be able to successfully conceive, carry and naturally deliver a child, announced today that he will have an abortion, four months in to his pregnancy. Abel Boustard, 27, from the small town of Arad in western Romania said he realized that he was not prepared for the demands of fatherhood.

“It all seemed so cool in the beginning,” Continue Reading

CHICAGO, IL — Spendrift T. Hwart, science historian for the Doomsday Clock group, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, held a press conference today to announce that it would move the hands of the clock from five to six minutes before midnight. Amidst a virtual tumultuous applause from throughout the developed world, Mr. Hwart bowed and smiled as he acknowledged that he virtually imagined the resounding notice. Continue Reading

BOSTON, Mass. – Former vice president Al Gore will tell the American Library Association’s (ALA) midwinter meeting here this weekend that he invented the toilet cam. In a draft copy of the vice president’s address that was leaked to Glossy News late yesterday, Mr. Gore declared: “I developed the toilet cam originally just to mess with Tipper and the kids. It (the toilet cam) was something I did in my spare time after I had gotten the Internet up and running.” Continue Reading

Zamfir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land. Appearing on Meet the Press yesterday, Verizon’s James Earl Jones hinted that Zamfir may be the latest Al-Qaeda attempt to undermine truth, justice, and the American way—either that or Catherine Zeta Jones (no relation) is responsible. Continue Reading