Archive | Science & Technologizzy

How Old is Too Old for an iPhone?

How Old is Too Old for an iPhone?

Oberlin, OH — Annabel Smith, local 2 year old, coos as she goes through her mother’s iPhone, the screen illuminating her round face.

The iPhone is well equipped with several apps specifically for babies, such as Dora’s Ballet Adventure, and thousands of Anabel’s “selfies”. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Kidz Zone, Technology1 Comment

New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

Damascus, Iowa – A new line of products released by Pet Food Enterprises, Inc., that was intended to provide humor and admiration over the recent extinction of Olive Garden restaurants and the late breadsticks offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée, has completely backfired. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Human Interest, Science & Technologizzy4 Comments

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

PITTSBURGH — Ruling that the threat to public safety is “theoretically a very real problem under the principles of String theory,” a two-judge panel has shut down ride-sharing at Kennywood park in West Mifflin.

The ruling makes it illegal for more than one person to ride on any of the park’s attractions at one time.

Though no major or minor injuries or incidents have occurred in recent history, the PUC said in a statement that, “Our job isn’t to consider public opinion, fun, or common sense. Our job is to look out for public safety in every imaginable universe, even the alternate universes wherein this issue presents an actual danger.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Biz News, Technology2 Comments

“Drones May Not Attack Banks” says new U.S. Drone Czar

“Drones May Not Attack Banks” says new U.S. Drone Czar

WASHINGTON – The newly appointed US Drone Czar announced today that attack drones operating on US soil may not attack US banks without prior approval of the Federal Reserve Bank.

“Let me be clear,” stated General Quentin Easing, the new US Homeland Drone Czar. “We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank. We can’t just attack any bank we like. It’s the law.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Technology1 Comment

Scientists: Potheads Cannot Recognize Connection between Their Stash & Murderous Drug Cartels

Scientists: Potheads Cannot Recognize Connection between Their Stash & Murderous Drug Cartels

Scientists have finally proven that there is a big disconnect in the minds of those heavily into pot.

It has been long suspected that marijuana use has negative effects upon the brains and bodies of partakers, a claim equally long denied by the users.

“It is obvious from our recent studies that pot users cannot distinguish reality from fiction.” put forth William Smartguy, head researcher at the Westmoreland Clinic for Studying Dopes and Dope Fiends. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Science10 Comments

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

If the recent leaks about the US government’s surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.

Much like Kuebler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grieving over death, the Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief shows the natural phases that individuals go through after learning that the US government has had complete access to all their electronic communications for many years. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Technology3 Comments

Cooper Brand Pooper Scoopers are Super-Duper Cooper Scoopers

Cooper Brand Pooper Scoopers are Super-Duper Cooper Scoopers

Montgomery County, Pennsylvania – Assisting residents in cleaning up the debris left behind from their crushed dreams of having locally born celebrity, Bradley Cooper, win an Academy Award are Cooper Industries’ pooper scoopers that have been flying off the shelves at neighborhood stores.

“It’s just a coincidence that Cooper Industries manufactures pooper scoopers and they are being used for this purpose. We have sold over 500 in the past hour alone!” Inventory Manager at the local Walmart, Phil Bredstickey said.

Residents have been voicing their opinions since the most recent loss occurred earlier this year on March 2nd. “Everyone in the area had their dreams shattered to breadsticks,” said Cooper’s former neighbor, Jan Cimorbasquets, who still remembers watching an adolescent Bradley whiff on what would have been a winning soccer kick in 1984.

“We all thought he was a lock to win for Silver Linings Playbook and then again for American Hustle, but all they gave him were insulting MTV Movie Awards,” she added.

According to local police, the remains associated with the anticipated celebration and the heartbreaking loss are so great that Montgomery County is offering a tax credit to anyone that purchased a pooper scooper and/or trash bags in aiding the cleanup effort.

Meanwhile, the pile of debris continues to grow and has local environmentalists on edge. “We are fearing the worst for endangered animals that may try to use the debris to build homes or consume them as a food source. These are very fragile animals and include the breadhog and garlic-tailed deer,” said Pennsylvania Game and Wildlife Commissioner, Deuce Changaro.

Cooper branded pooper scoopers were first introduced to the public in the late 1980s as dogs continued to grow larger and larger, leaving specimens on lawns and carpets that were too much for a miniscule hand pooper scooper. The company barely avoided bankruptcy in 2009, but has recently seen a tremendous spike in sales.

“As more and more fans of Bradley Cooper give their hopes up that he will ever win an Academy Award, they are turning to our product to clean up the anticipated celebratory items that were left behind,” said the company mascot, Scoopy, the super-duper pooper scooper.

Donations and volunteers to aid in the effort are still being accepted. Anyone interested in helping should call Paula Rhondstatter at 1-800-533-7510 or visit www.bradleycooperpooperscoopercleanup.gov

Share

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Gadgets & Gizmos1 Comment

Text Walking to Become New Olympic Sport

Text Walking to Become New Olympic Sport

Rio de Janeiro – Text walking will become the newest sport to be part of the Olympic Games starting in Rio in 2016. The act of texting while walking has never been considered a sport but since so few people get killed while performing the act, Olympic officials assume there must be some skill involved in the activity.

Although still a relatively new activity in some parts of the world, millions of people navigate their daily lives while having their eyes and attention diverted to their handheld devices for hours on end. Miraculously, only a small number of these self-absorbed people end up in the hospital or worse from the activity. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Study shows Men secretly Resent Women’s Phatness

Study shows Men secretly Resent Women’s Phatness

Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort to theological or moral rationales, none of which is found in the Quran.

But a team of researchers at NYU has published a study explaining the behaviour as the result of men’s surprising annoyance at women for being sexy and beautiful.
Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Religionism, Science0 Comments

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HERMINIE, PA — Local High School Student Roger Burman recently scored a perfect 2400 on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) after answering every question with the word, “Google,” sources report.

According to English Teacher Frank Gimley, who proctored the exam, “I figured something was different about [Burman] right off the bat. We started with the Mathematics section, and all these kids were scrawling equations like crazy. But not Roger. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Education, Technology2 Comments

Lorax and Al Gore in Twitter War Over Earth Day

Lorax and Al Gore in Twitter War Over Earth Day

The Lorax and Al Gore have become engaged in a bitter war of words on Twitter as to who has done more for environmental awareness and the observance of Earth Day.

The Former Vice-President threw down the gauntlet yesterday when he called Mr. Lorax a short, hairy pussy who thinks he owns the movement, to which Lorax replied “Look in the mirror, bitch!”

Lorax, who uses the handle @speaks4trees, and Mr. Gore, @chickenlittle, have escalated their rhetoric today on the annual observance of the environmental holiday. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Environment3 Comments

Arizona Scientists Prove Alien Existence; Body is Launched Back to Planet Mexico

Arizona Scientists Prove Alien Existence; Body is Launched Back to Planet Mexico

Scientists from the University of Arizona have concluded this Friday that the possible existence of extraterrestrial life could become a reality after certain test results are finalized.

The University was baffled when a 2,500 year old alien life form, Ernesto Torres, was found dead wrapped inside a white blanket lying next to an abandoned bicycle.

Police were also able to locate a note reading, “E.T VA A CASA”. The University is using its finest Native Americans to decipher its message. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a hugely disappointing discovery that in no way whatsoever helps the human species or its quest to find a realistically habitable alternative to Earth,” sources report. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Science, Technology4 Comments

Physicist Detects Origin of CBS Hit “The Big Bang Theory”

Physicist Detects Origin of CBS Hit “The Big Bang Theory”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – This week physicist Dr. George H. Gebbins finally pinpointed the very beginning of what has been called The Big Bang Theory, thanks to the detection of essentially a beam of light that has been traveling the universe for years.

“I’ve been following The Big Bang Theory for some time now, since I first heard it discussed around the dinner table at Thanksgiving. However, it felt like no one had ever been able to pinpoint the origin, leaving its entire nature a mystery,” said Gebbins. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Television13 Comments

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Dozens of churches in the United States are collectively suing the producers of Cosmos, the reboot of the television show previously hosted by Carl Sagan, for “stealing the Christian shtick.”

The filed complaint was obtained by the press and it alleges that the first episode of the show portrays Giordano Bruno as a Christ-like figure, while the second episode sanctifies the DNA molecule.
Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Religionism, Science, Television14 Comments

Oklahoma TV Station “Accidentally” Cuts 38-Minutes from Cosmos Evolution Episode

Oklahoma TV Station “Accidentally” Cuts 38-Minutes from Cosmos Evolution Episode

Last week, controversy erupted when the local FOX affiliate in Oklahoma City allegedly suffered technical difficulties during the only 14-seconds dealing with evolution. Perhaps the Lord moves in ways more mysterious than we’d imagined.

Host Neil DeGrasse Tyson explained that he believed it was a mistake, and that this week’s episode, which dealt almost exclusively with the issue of evolution, would put doubts aside for good, and he was right. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Television10 Comments

Page 1 of 2412345...1020...Last »
Check out our friends:
Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Glossy Exclusive Video: How Hot Dogs are REALLY Made
(Comment on this video here)
-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

5 posts
3 posts
2 posts
1 post
1 post


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial