JAKARTA Indonesia (GlossyNews) — At the insistence of Muslim holy leaders in the Saudi Arabian city of Mecca, an incredibly accurate new GPS tracking system will be installed to thwart anti-Islamic hackers who have recently been caught attempting to alter GPS signals to divert prayers meant to be recited directly towards Mecca. Continue Reading

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — In his harshest stance yet, President Barack Obama has demanded flailing petroleum giant BP establish yet another $20B set-aside to address more leak damage. At issue is the recent Wiki-leaks release of 91,000 classified documents, considered highly toxic by most defense analysts.

Said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, “This thing undeniably looks like BP. It’s of unprecedented proportions, politically inconvenient, and clean-up will be a nightmare. So who do you think did it? A leak of these dimensions can only mean BP has failed to follow adequate safety procedures, yet again.”

Though in a leadership transition, BP was quick to respond on this latest disaster. Continue Reading

RESTSTOP, Info Superhighway (GlossyNews) — A group of Facebook addiction survivors was found floating in cyberspace last night, clinging to the remnants of a past life spent ogling other people’s lives from the comfort of their home or office. The tattered and torn pride of Linda Deetle, Marvin Locke, Jennifer Pezel and four others, who pulled the plug on Facebook within the last week, was evident when Tawdry Soup caught up with the trio.

“I was lonely,” cried Deetle, a 47 year old widow, Continue Reading

HUNTINGTON BEACH, California (GLossyNews) — A California scientist has come up with a novel idea: He has learned to harness the hatred of millions of bigoted Californians to create energy and make minorities rich in the process. Doctor Eli Lafitte, a graduate of Grambling State University, and later of UC Berkeley, says he, “has long known about the energy that permeates a room when an African-American or gay person walks in. It is known as hate by gay people and racism by African-Americans. You can definitely feel it and it makes your hair stand on end, just like static electricity. Continue Reading

VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — Several astronomers are coming right out and telling people to be extra careful this Friday the 13th due to the fact that in addition to the 13th falling on a Friday this month, another more sinister event will be happening in the skies that night—a triple conjunction with the moon lining up with Venus, Mars and Saturn all in close proximity that night. Also known as the “smiley face” effect, the occurrence is rare but has always been associated with significant happenings in history. Continue Reading

CUPERTINO, California – (Glossy News) Already iPhone 4 owners are being pulled over by the thousands and ticketed for using their new multi-tasking phones while driving, an illegal act in most states. Iphone 4 owners are complaining to Apple that they are finding it necessary to buy two, sometimes three replacement iphone 4’s due to having them confiscated by police officers. They are crying out to Apple to do something about it. Continue Reading

Rashomon Technologies today announced that it is discontinuing field trials for “Good-Dog” due to the technology’s stunningly successful performance. The product’s target launch date is late 2011, contingent on royalty and licensing agreements with US veterinarians. RT CEO Kazuo Kurosawa acted as ringmaster in the multi-media presentation of a consumer product that industry insiders believe will out sell the iPhone. Continue Reading

GETTYSBURG, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — The latest in a series of disasters has humbled a small town in Northeastern, PA. Naticoke, Pennsylvania, which was well known in the their region for being a major coal mining town in the 1930’s, was sent into a state of shock and panic this weekend. What was recently the scene of village-wide celebration in honor of the grand opening of a new Applebee’s restaurant has turned into a nightmare for many of the town’s four thousand plus citizens. Continue Reading

From Astronomy Daily:

While NASA was trying to get our attention by telling us a Solar Tsunami is nothing to worry about and would only be responsible for bringing the Aurora Borealis further south for viewing, the very fact that the term tsunami was being used should have tipped us off that this was no ordinary magnetic field headed our way. We saw the effects of the tsunami that hit Indonesia and it was not all pink and green ribbons of light. It was death and destruction. If you’re going to use a word like tsunami, you better be ready to back it up with facts, which NASA unfortunately could not. Continue Reading

HOLLYWOODLAND, West Coast (GlossyNews) — Self-crowned ‘King of Directors’ James Cameron today announced a project expected to establish a new standard in cinema. Speaking from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Pssst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro, the mega-hit crafter was upbeat, while still maintaining his signature condescending tone. Continue Reading

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) –

The Intergalactic Play Nice Force has decided to abandon Earth operations, so said District Superintendent Greg Gort today.

“The IPNF really has no interest here anymore. It’s a wind-down, could take three Earth years at the outside. Bureaucracy is a constant in the Universe. We’ll run the funding out on the Venus base, and besides, I’ve got staff members who are only flreg parsecs from full retirement. Continue Reading

ORLANDO, Florida (GlossyNews) — Wearied by weeks of fighting the horrendous Gulf oil spill, the U.S. Coast Guard mobilized today to battle a large leak from a giant whale in a SeaWorld theme park.

“This is massive,” said Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen. “An animal this size naturally produces a very big leak.”

As of this morning the leak was still spreading, Continue Reading

CHICAGO, Illinois (GlossyNews) — Things got a little strange Wednesday night in Chicago when a one-man act by the name of Arcus Temporis came on stage armed only with a chalkboard and a piece of chalk and an eraser.

“What is your name?” asked Piers Morgan of this wild-eyed man. In a Swedish accent, the man gave his name, “I am Arcus Temporis and I am 87 years olt,” he said as he took in the huge crowd he stood before.

“And what are you here to do for us tonight, Arcus?” said Piers. Continue Reading

MOBILE, Alabama (GlossyNews) — In their never ending effort to cap the bottomless Gulf oil leak, those ever creative minds at BP are coming up with endless new possibilities to shut it down. Their highest level officials and engineers have come up with several plans of action to take, in the event that those already tried continue to fail.

These include:

1. Training giant blue whales to dive down, slurp up the oil, then surface and spit the collected oil into a holding ship for processing.
2. Hiring Aquaman or Prince Namor from the comic books to assemble a team of aquatic animals to help out. Those guys can do anything.

Continue Reading

CRAWFISH, Texas (GlossyNews) — More than three months after the infamous deep-sea well in the Gulf of Mexico burst spewing millions of gallons of oil across the southern coast, George Bush is still nowhere to be found. He is presumably resting in his fortress of solitude in Crawford, Texas. Democrats have been quick on the offensive questioning his leadership ability particularly in times of crisis. One Democratic staffer quipped,  “It has been a full fiscal quarter and he still hasn’t finished reading My Oily Pet Goat.” Continue Reading

BUTTE, Montana – The surviving members of a pack of gray wolves have claimed innocence in the ongoing battle between sheep ranchers and environmentalists, after an entire flock of sheep was found dead without any sign of wolves in the area.

“We were living in the valley subsisting on field mice and staying clear of those stupid sheep,“ claims an old alpha male wolf called Soto. Continue Reading

LONDON, United Kingdom (GlossyNews) — Ever dream you were Maxwell Smart and had to reach Agent 99 in time to save her from a fate worse than death, only to find your cell phone dead, instead? Continue Reading

SEATTLE, Washington (GlossyNews) — Instant riches have been bestowed upon Freedom From Cellular Company, the inventor of the new, anti-cell phone jamming device called “The Silencer”. This fresh creation shuts down any irritating cell phones in the users vicinity making them inoperable. It is in such demand that they can now only be found for purchase on the Internet. The Silencer will shut up any cellphone anywhere, anytime within a 30 foot radius of the user. The machine has brought blessed silence, peace and quiet to the thousands of customers who already possess them. Continue Reading