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Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

In a groundbreaking pronouncement, the International Forum of Theoretical Physicists today stated that Donald Trump’s election confirmed the existence of the multiverse.

At a press conference held at the National Academy of Sciences, Belinda Suarez, IFTP’s executive director, declared that our plane of existence is only one of an infinite number of universes with distinct histories, thereby putting an end to decades of debate in the scientific community.

When pressed about the connection between Trump and the multiverse, Suarez stated that the U.S. presidential election results struck the scientific community as such an astronomically improbable event that they inspired some of the world’s leading mathematicians and physicists to calculate their likelihood.

Given Trump’s flagrant contempt for women, blacks, Hispanics, the LGBTQ community, Muslims, immigrants, disabled persons, war heroes, and basic human decency, the scientists discovered that the odds of his election were so prodigiously minute that they proved we reside in the only universe in the infinite multiverse where this could have possibly taken place.

Suarez stated that, “When scientists previously theorized about the multiverse, they postulated that anything that could possibly happen actually did, only in an alternate timeline. In other words, there’s a universe where Germany won the Second World War, another where Kim Kardashian is Pope, and a third where people eat nothing but asparagus. In some universes, humans have arms growing out of their foreheads or tank treads instead of feet. Literally every possible scenario exists in a reality separate from our own. It therefore struck us that, somewhere in some other universes, scientists were discussing the preposterous assertion that the United States would elect Donald Trump president. It turns out we were right. And they laughed at us.”

When pressed about who exactly “laughed at us,” Suarez replied with, “We built a machine to communicate with the other universes, and most of them laughed at us. We also received quite a few condolences. Pope Kim the First wrote us a very heartfelt epistle. The asparagus universe’s scientists are working on a device to ship us a bouquet of conciliatory… well… asparagus. We tried to dissuade them, but they insisted.”

Apparently, several universes remarked on our terrible situation, including one where people eat their own feces for breakfast, another where giant praying mantises evolved to become our autocratic masters, and a third where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hold sway over a shattered hellscape. They all thanked their respective gods/demons/insect overlords that they did not reside in our reality.

Asked if any universes expressed joy at Trump’s election, Suarez paused and responded “Well, the universe where Donald Trump is Emperor of the Moon thought it was pretty great.”

Suarez concluded her briefing by addressing how the scientific community planned to utilize this amazing discovery. “We’re working on a machine to transport us into literally any other universe. I personally want to get the hell out of here, and I’m sure many of you feel the same.”

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics, Science2 Comments

Don’t Ever EVER Use GoDaddy… They Do Some good, But Mostly Fraud?

Don’t Ever EVER Use GoDaddy… They Do Some good, But Mostly Fraud?

Ages ago I helped a friend make a website. Today I got a renewal notification. Apparently I’ve been paying for his site for years without noticing it. I called to shut it down, and they told me tough luck. Nope, I’m required to keep paying for it just because.

Just to be clear, GoDaddy is a fraud organization on par with AT&T or AOL back in the day, where they’d make it impossible for you to stop getting billed. Same thing. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes, Technology0 Comments

Richard Dawkins to Open a Sustainable Fish and Chip Shop

Richard Dawkins to Open a Sustainable Fish and Chip Shop

OXFORD, ENGLAND – Richard Dawkins, professor emeritus and former chair of public understanding of science at Oxford University has announced plans to open a new fish and chip shop that aims to serve up a sustainable catch. Professor Dawkins explained:

Cod has been on the Marine Conversation Society’s endangered stocks list for many years now.
But, despite all of the evidence, traditional fish and chip shops have continued to ignore these warnings.
Those who believe we can simply continue to consume cod at our current rates are under a severe delusion!

Professor Dawkins continued:

However, at my fish and chip shop, we are proud to say that there is no cod.

Professor Dawkins rose to fame in the fishing industry in 1976 with the release of his book “The Shellfish Gene.” He further cemented his reputation as one of the sharkest thinkers in marine biology with his 1998 bestselling book “Unweaving the Rainbow Trout.”

However, he has been in the public eye most recently for his sharp criticism of religion. Alongside Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens and Daniel Dennett, Dawkins is referred to as one of the “four seahorses of the apocalypse.”

Professor Dawkins’s shop has come under attack from Christian groups. Stephen Green from Christian Voice accused the shop of failing to provide a sustainable alternative. Green explained:

It would be much more efficient for Dawkins to buy two loaves of bread and a few fish, and then divide them up until everybody had some.

 

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Posted in Science, World News0 Comments

Advanced Casino Technology is the Way Forward!

Advanced Casino Technology is the Way Forward!

NetEnt Leads the Way with the First Virtual Reality Slot

The online casino industry has made incremental progress to present itself as a real alternative to traditional gambling. Now that so many people have made the transition from brick-and-mortar casinos to the online environment, Internet competition has intensified. Not only operators, but also software developers compete for customers and try to come up with something different. NetEnt is once again at the forefront of innovation and it is ready to set an important milestone with a new virtual reality slot.

The leading provider of digital casino solutions plans on bringing an iconic slot to the realm of virtual reality. The decision to choose Gonzo’s Quest is not a coincidence, since this is one of the most popular five reel video slots. This is a bold new step into uncharted territory, but one that shows a lot of promise and carries fewer risks. Technology has evolved enough for online casinos to support VR games and get players fully immersed into the gaming atmosphere.

Virtual Reality Takes Games to the next Stage

The online casino industry isn’t the only one to positively respond to the advancements made by virtual reality technology. Videogame developers are going to great lengths to produce first-person shooters and adventure games compatible with the latest VR sets. Now that the gear is not only reliable but also inexpensive, such games can create a trend. Online casinos are booming in popularity as can be seen here, and they require even less processing power, since slots, table games and video pokers already run smoothly on mobile devices.

NetEnt representatives were happy to announce the imminent release of Gonzo’s Quest for virtual reality. They are confident that WebVR technology will quickly become the next big thing and will shape the future of online gaming. Players got the chance to check out the game and ICE Totally Gaming and it is expected to be released across the entire NetEnt network in the second quarter of 2017.

 

 

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Posted in Biz News, Technology, Top Stories0 Comments

Hotheads’ Violence caused by Hot Climates, Study finds

Hotheads’ Violence caused by Hot Climates, Study finds

Dateline: GREENLAND—A sociobiological study from Bigwig University in Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland shows that the areas around the world with the hottest temperatures tend to be inhabited by more aggressive, bellicose peoples, or “hotheads,” as the study calls them, while colder zones are home to more peaceful, even timid populations.

The team of scientists concludes that collective belligerence is a form of literal hot-headedness in which a screaming-hot environment transfers its heat to the human head and turns the mind into a stew of animal reactions, bypassing the brain’s rational faculties and driving the population as a whole to childish displays of wonton irrationality and brutality.

The deserts of the Middle East and Africa, along with Southeast Asia, Central America, Mexico, and the southern (Republican) United States are marked by dictatorships, perennial civil wars, gang wars, coups, chaos, rampant crime, riots, bloody uprisings, bigotry or fundamentalist lunacy.

By contrast, Canada, Alaska, the northern (Democratic) United States, and Europe are known for being sober, peaceful, and stable to the point of being infamously dull.

“It’s hard to stir up trouble,” said the team’s lead researcher, Professor Francesca Bobbins, “or to get all offended and hot-headed when there’s a foot of snow outside your door or when you know the snow will come in a matter of weeks or months. I mean literally, it’s hard to heat your head enough to sustain animal rage when it’s often super-cold out.

“But just imagine living in a desert that fries and scrambles your brains. How can you stop to think when you’re always stinking and soaking wet with sweat? Haven’t you got to take your rage out on someone, like the government or a rival sect or some other scapegoat? Mustn’t the excess heat that bubbles up in the heads of those dwelling in a humid environment be vented back into the world by some series of violent outbursts to prevent those heads from exploding?”

The researchers tested their hypothesis by observing the facial expressions and by measuring the heat steaming off of the heads of subjects who agreed just to stand for hours in the streets of altogether too-hot places, including San Antonio, Mexico City, Khartoum, Riyadh, and Bangkok. Invariably, the test subjects became increasingly agitated as the sweat streamed down their faces, dampening their shirts and messing up their underwear.

Subjects reported feeling their blood boil when strangers stopped merely to say “Hello” and were unable to concentrate when the researchers posed simple problems to them to determine whether heat negatively affects cognition.

“The sociobiologist asked me, ‘What’s two times four?’ and I swear I blanked,” recalled one test subject. “Back home in Halifax, Canada, I could have answered that with no problem, but standing there in Riyadh in that dreadful heat, my fevered brain was racing from one impulse and nonsensical notion to the next, as if the desert were boiling my neurons. All I could think was: ‘Get me the fuck out of this oppressive heat!’ And failing that, ‘Whom can I take out this aggression on?’”

As one of the researchers explained, “It’s like the difference between cold and boiling water. When water is very cold it’s frozen and so it tends to stay put, going nowhere; but when it boils, it spills out and bubbles up everywhere from the transfer of energy.”

Critics point out that the experiment was conducted in large cities, which suggests that the aggression may have been caused not by the blazing heat, but by the nearby presence of way too many people, the principle being as Sartre said, that “Hell is other people.”

The researchers replied that there are large cities in peaceful nations too, such as Toronto, Canada. What turns one large population into “placid, mousey little nobodies” and another into “a horde of raging orcs and barbarians” is largely the climate, said Professor Bobbins. “For example, the infusion of Middle Eastern immigrants into France and the UK and the conflicts this has stirred up there can be interpreted thermodynamically. The immigrants’ heads store the excess heat from their native lands and disperse it in the cooler climates of Western Europe. That transfer of heat causes social chaos.”

The report has also been criticized for failing to take into account the counterexample of Australia. Australians are known for being friendly and laid back, and yet much of that continent is as hot as anywhere else on the planet.

The researchers credit this apparent discrepancy to Australia’s British heritage. Like Canada, modern Australia was colonized by the United Kingdom. The team theorized that abundant rain can function like snow in dissuading a population from wanting to go outdoors to kick up a mighty ruckus.

“The rain-soaked temperament of Brits was passed onto Australian culture, making Aussies as tranquil and bloodless as Canadians,” said Professor Bobbins.

“As for Russia,” she continued, “while it’s true that Russians have historically preferred authoritarian rulers and been as brutal as all get-out, as in their laying waste to the Nazis, it’s notable that the soviets saw their ideology as being especially rational, even scientific. The Nazis, too, looked to science to support their social Darwinian prejudices.

“Temperature is only one factor in determining a population’s passivity or aggression, not the only one,” she conceded. “But while European and North Asian forms of violence are couched in rational or pseudoscientific terms, those forms that break out in scorching-hot zones are chaotic or primitive, showing similarities to the sort of genetic tribalism we see in other species.

“This is because the sweltering heat shuts down the cerebral cortex, leaving mainly the older, emotional and reactionary parts of the brain to steer the ship—and to pick up the pieces when those primitive forms of thinking crash the ship into a cliff.”

The team’s research has also been criticized for being flat-out racist. Professor Bobbins said in response that she “doesn’t care about skin colour. It’s not about innate differences between people, since even an annoyingly-polite Canadian will start to act like a jihadist nut job if he’s forced to live for years in a desert. Like they say in real estate, it’s ‘location, location, location.’”

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Posted in Crime, Health, Science0 Comments

NASA Continues Search for Planets Where Government More Favorable to Funding Space Exploration

NASA Continues Search for Planets Where Government More Favorable to Funding Space Exploration

A panel of experts unveiled seven earth-sized planets only 235,145,014,927,344 miles from Earth (where we live), three of which may posses the proper conditions for Pokemon.

This is only the latest milestone in an ongoing search to identify alien governments that may be more willing to fund NASA’s budget than the U.S. government.

“It’s immensely exciting,” said Jane Kranston, an accountant at NASA:

“Ever since they cut funding for toilet seats, we’ve been incredibly motivated to diversify our funding across the Universe. Even the Multiverse if that’s what it takes. Just imagine that somewhere out there is a parallel Universe in which NASA has all its funding and we’ve already terraformed Saturn.”

With a budget that has dropped a staggering 96% since its peak in the 1960s, NASA now has to rely more on private space industry. But even this strategy is not without its detractors. Dean Shmumer, a White House advisor explains that budgets come down to dollars and cents:

“Consider the cost of one SpaceX flight to the ISS. We have to pay $133 million of taxpayer money for that. Meanwhile, we could send the President to Florida thirteen times for the same cost. How could we justify wasting Americans’ hard-earned money on a joyride into space?”

Meanwhile, Kranston and crew watch with anticipation to see what kind of civilizations might inhabit these other worlds:

“A big indication to us will be unorthodox gender roles,” she explains. “We’ve been told by some of our top scientists that there is a strong correlation between cultures in which gender roles are loosely defined and a willingness to fund mass exodus from a planet. If we can find a single dad doing dishes and expertly tracking his children’s developmental milestones on just one of these planets, then our chances of receiving the funding we need will increase exponentially.”

There is some concern about exchange rates between the U.S. dollar and various intergalactic coinages, credits, or whuffie. But Kranston and others at NASA are confident the American people will be ready to submit to new alien overlords and adopt a new currency if it means getting a few clearer pictures of the M81 galaxy.

For now, passionate NASA employees can only cling to the faith that a government somewhere out there is amicable to space exploration.

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Posted in Science0 Comments

Mosquitoes- The Mini-Mes Of Vampires

Mosquitoes- The Mini-Mes Of Vampires

Mosquitoes are evil little geniuses.

They are adept enough to fly up, whine in your ear, then take off laughing as you whip yourself in the head trying to swat them.

They know how to hold a victim in suspense as they flit about having the wiles to dodge the hand raised in self defense. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science0 Comments

Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—On Monday, Feb 15, the New York Times published a letter signed by 37 psychiatrists who expressed severe doubts about President Trump’s mental health.

Trump “appears to have had the fragile mind of a two-year old implanted into his 70 year-old brain,” said the psychiatrists. “Our expert medical opinion is that President Trump is off his rocker. More specifically, he’s fallen off his rocker, landed on the floor, rolled off the floor and out the front door, down the steps and down the mountain side, splashed into the ocean and sank into a volcano at the bottom of the sea.”

Thanks to the technological services of an anonymous group of hackers, 200 million Americans were able to simultaneously pipe their response to the letter directly into the bedrooms of all 37 psychiatrists. Transmitted at a deafening decibel, the response was, “No shit, Captain Obvious!”

Two days later, the NY Times published a letter signed by 37 different psychiatrists who reached the opposite conclusion, that Trump’s mental state is as healthy as anyone’s can be.

Curiously, both letters were signed by 20 men and 17 women. One of the male psychiatrists who signed the first letter is a little person, and one who signed the second is also a little person.

Three of the men who signed the first letter, and three of the different men who signed the second all have 9 inch-long scraggly beards that have the same mixed shades of brown and grey.

Two of the women who signed the first letter, and two of the different women who signed the second have had mastectomies.

This has led one physicist to blame the mirroring effect on spillover from other universes in the multiverse.

Another physicist, Eugene Nerdopolous, has posited what he calls the “Of Course Principle” to explain the puzzling phenomenon of professionals who cancel each other out in psychiatry and in several other sciences.

“To paraphrase Isaac Newton,” he says, “for every psychiatrist there’s an equal and opposite psychiatrist.

“And the same holds in any scientific field in which a lot of money is at stake for the scientist. If one blood spatter expert is willing to testify that the blood left at the crime scene was caused by a gruesome act of murder, of course another will testify that the red fluid isn’t blood at all, but raspberry filling from a squashed donut.”

The differences aren’t due merely to the ambiguity of the subject matter, which could allow for different rational interpretations. “It’s more a question of the world mocking our vain attempts to understand and control it. When 37 psychiatrists think anyone needs them to state the obvious about Trump, and then the universe throws up 37 equal and opposite psychiatrists, something’s having a laugh at our expense.”

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Posted in Health, Politics, Science0 Comments

How to win on jackpot slot macines

How to win on jackpot slot macines

Slot machine games are one of the most colorful and loudest attractions to be found in a casino and online.

Their designs can range anywhere from plain numbers to creative themes. Slot machines have been a popular choice for many casinos to keep patrons entertained and for good reason.

Each year these machines bring in billions of dollars of revenue due to patrons seeking out the jackpot. Winning is not usually a huge part of the equation when it comes to myVegas slot machines since luck is the name of the game. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology0 Comments

Never Kiss A Saber Toothed Squirrel.

Never Kiss A Saber Toothed Squirrel.

It isn’t often one sees a saber toothed squirrel.

Of course, it isn’t often one wants to see a saber toothed squirrel, but when one does see one it invariably leads to commentary. For instance: “Why the (bleep) does that squirrel have a saber tooth and how can he chew anything without sticking himself?” is often heard. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

How Mountain Dew is REALLY Made [VIDEO]

How Mountain Dew is REALLY Made [VIDEO]

Mountain Dew is the Appalachian vitamin drink, but how do they really make it? The answer may very well surprise you, but it’s not that bad. You’ll see, it’s pretty good and pretty much safe.

Playlist of How It’s REALLY Made Videos

Transcript

Mountain Dew beloved for its healing properties, is a popular beverage but how do they really make it? Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, Video News0 Comments

Yorkshire Death-Trap Outdoes Even Finland’s Machine of Doom

Yorkshire Death-Trap Outdoes Even Finland’s Machine of Doom

The worst name of a lift manufacturing company is owned by the good people of ANSA Elevators Ltd. It may well mean something in English, but ansa means something in Finnish too. That meaning is trap.

However, a close second has to be the company that installed the lift at The Core shopping centre in Leeds. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Technology0 Comments

Galen Erso will Design Note8

Galen Erso will Design Note8

Seoul, South Korea: Samsung announced that they have a new Head of Engineering overseeing the design of the Galaxy Note8.

Galen Erso, the only engineer from the Note7 project deemed competent enough to avoid termination will be taking the helm of the so-called “Next Great Thing.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Android versus iPhone: Let’s Agree to Disagree

Android versus iPhone: Let’s Agree to Disagree

The Android versus iPhone debate has been persistent ever since the top selling smartphones became contenders. As with many types of technology, there are hardcore brand supporters who will not and cannot be persuaded to try something different. So, while you may already have your mind set on whether or not you will be a lifelong Android or iPhone user, it’s diplomatic to say that we can all agree to disagree; both phones have a lot of great qualities. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

What’s Next for Wearables?

What’s Next for Wearables?

It’s probably fair to say that wearable technology hasn’t quite taken off in the way Samsung and Apple might have hoped. The Apple Watch, for example, was called “confusing” by The Guardian upon its initial release in 2015 while Samsung’s attempts at cracking the niche are approaching double figures. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Google’s Daydream View Brings VR Home

Google’s Daydream View Brings VR Home

While there is a plethora of Virtual Reality (VR) headsets on the market, the new light, comfortable and stylish Daydream View by Google feels like a game changer.

None of the previous headsets have quite hit the sweet spot in terms of price, comfort and usability, to make VR experiences accessible to the mass market. But Google’s Daydream is considerably cheaper than the Oculus Rift or the HTC Vive, is far more comfortable that Google Cardboard and is for mobile VR, so users don’t require a powerful PC. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology0 Comments

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