Archive | Science & Technologizzy

Star Sign Reassignment Continues To Promote Controversy

Star Sign Reassignment Continues To Promote Controversy

Astrologers remain divided about the increasing number of people choosing to undergo Star Sign Reassignment.

As little as ten years ago it was believed that natal charts were fixed at the time of birth, and that lives would inevitably follow the courses those charts foretold. Then Professor Claire Voyant from Scotland’s Skye University performed the pioneering procedure that changed the star sign of Mrs Stella McTarot of Glasgow from Taurus with Capricorn rising, to Aquarius with Sagittarius rising.

Clinical follow-up confirmed that the personality and fortunes of Mrs McTarot had been transformed. ‘Ah used tae be pure borin’ an’ ne’er gart onie bunsens,’ she told the Glasgow Herald in 2006. ‘Noo I’m imaginatife an’ innovatife an’ hae jist earned mah first million poonds.’

Initially it was only possible to effect simple transformations such as that from Taurus to Aquarius. During the past decade, however, huge progress has been made in star charting due to observations made with the Hubble and other telescopes. There have also been substantial advances in astrological mathematics. This has allowed the use of more distant stars in fine-tuning the gravitational and electro-magnetic fields within Star Sign Reassignment chambers – a subject for which Professor Voyant received the Nobel Prize for Astrology in 2015.

‘It has now become routine,’ confirmed Professor Voyant in a recent BBC News interview, ‘to modify astrological birth charts, post-natally. We can now safely undertake even the highly sophisticated transformation from Libra with Pisces rising, to Aries with Leo rising. We never thought we would come this far, this quickly.’

Opponents of Star Sign Reassignment, including the Catholic Church, argue that SSR is against the laws of nature, and that the long term effects of so many people changing their own destinies are unpredictable and potentially dangerous. Radical groups of dissenting astrologers, such as the Anti-SSR League, have claimed responsibility for several bomb attacks. ‘SSR must be outlawed,’ angrily demanded a balaclava-clad activist during a recent protest, ‘or we will continue to ruthlessly target individuals and organisations who undertake work in this field.’

In the UK most SSRs are undertaken privately, although the NHS will fund treatment in exceptional cases where no viable alternative therapies exist. Mr Joss Stick of Basingstoke recently took his local Heath Authority to the High Court when they refused to fund his SSR. The Court found in his favour. The judgement concluded that the ultimate cost to the NHS of all the illnesses predicted by Mr Stick’s natal chart would significantly exceed the cost of SSR. This was even without the future costs to society and the criminal justice system of all his predicted heinous crimes.

Particularly controversial are British Government proposals for ‘Compulsory SSR Orders’ for persistent or dangerous offenders. Supporters point to the success of such legislation in America. ‘All inmates on Death Rows have been released as model citizens with great prospects,’ confirmed a spokesperson for the US Justice Department. ‘We are particularly pleased about the conversion of so many Al-Qaeda supporters to Buddhism.’

Opponents, however, have highlighted alleged abuses of human rights within the American compulsory SSR process due to the choice of new natal charts being made by the State rather than the individual. ‘They’re all reassigned to a natal chart that ensures hard work and total compliance with every law,’ highlighted a representative of Amnesty International. ‘How long will it be before governments start to covertly use SSR as a means of creating compliant citizens who simply choose to support the status quo?’

Concern has also been raised about the recent fashion trend of using SSR to adopt celebrity natal charts. It is believed that nearly half a million American women are currently emulating Cameron Diaz. Fears have been expressed that by 2020 all Americans might choose to be Hollywood superstars, leaving no one to service the country’s infrastructure.

Giving evidence to a US Senate Special Committee, Professor Voyant agreed that proper controls were required in the use of SSR. ‘However,’ she added, ‘I believe it to be immoral to deprive people on ideological grounds of the life-changing opportunities afforded by this process.’

Posted in Horoscopes, Science & Technologizzy, Top Stories0 Comments

They’re Coming for Your Car Keys. Welcome to the World of Self-Driving Cars

They’re Coming for Your Car Keys. Welcome to the World of Self-Driving Cars

One of my favorite jokes goes like this: “I got really drunk last night, so I decided to take the bus home. Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.” Stop the Presses! Drunk drivers may soon not need to drive the bus – or their car – anymore. Welcome to the world of self-driving cars. They’re just around the corner.

Several tech companies like Tesla, Google and Apple are driving ahead with plans to mass-produce “autonomous” cars. Continue Reading

Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Society, Travel0 Comments

Visual World To Revert To Black-and-White

Visual World To Revert To Black-and-White

Scientists have warned that our visual world will almost certainly revert to monochrome, or black-and-white, within the next five to ten years.

Those who have viewed photographs, films or television recordings made during the early or mid 20th century, will have seen the achromatic world in which people then lived. Those alive at the time will recall the gradual emergence of colour, from the late 1950s to the early 1970s, that finally led to the rainbow-hued spectrum with which we are now familiar. Continue Reading

Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Tourists Flock to See Non-existent, Abstract Mathematical Concepts

Tourists Flock to See Non-existent, Abstract Mathematical Concepts

The Royal Observatory at Greenwich, England, today announced the opening to the public of two further lines of longitude.

For many years, the famous Zero or Prime Meridian at the Observatory had attracted increasing numbers of tourists, each wishing to be photographed whilst standing upon it.

Queues often stretched from the Observatory to the Thames, and in 2009 visits to the Meridian had to be restricted to those who purchased tickets in advance. Continue Reading

Posted in Science0 Comments

How Much a Smartphone will Really Cost You

How Much a Smartphone will Really Cost You

Smartphones are all around us, and everybody wants them. They need this kind of technology in their lives, to read the news, to stalk their exes on social networks, and to make all the selfies they need. But, like all things in life, smartphones are costly – and their costs often go beyond what meets the eye. Let us calculate the real cost of you playing on your smartphone.

The tangible part

Smartphones are built using a series of materials, ranging from plastic recycled from LEGO blocks, Twinkies wrappers, and PET bottles regurgitated by endangered oceanic fish, to metals extracted by child miners in backwater countries of the Third World. Their screens are sanded to perfection using a fine, white powder made out of the milk teeth of 18 year old virgins – and we all know how hard these are to come by. Since all their components are extremely small, gremlin guest workers are hired to do this tenuous job. The resulting hardware is rendered extra frail to have as short a replacement cycle as possible.

The games you play

No smartphone would be complete without the reels of a slot machine running on its screen. Experts recommend the All Slots Casino, at, an international operator with a massive library of games, as the best destination to gamble online. Not for the users in the US, though – the All Slots Casino is, unfortunately, not accepting players from the land of the free, thanks to a law passed by a greedy government in 2006. But players in other countries, from Canada to Australia, are free to play one of the more than one hundred amazing slot machines and table games available at the All Slots Mobile Casino. And they don’t even have to pay for this privilege – the All Slots Casino offers them the chance to play their favorite game free of charge, as well.

The hidden costs

To play games on your smartphone, you’ll need something nobody tells you about from the start: an internet connection. Connecting to the global network secretly supervised by every three-letter agency in the US (and some others which don’t even have acronyms, if you can imagine something like this in the Land of the Free) will allow smartphone users not only to play their favorite games (carefully filtered by the authorities, of course), but to follow their preferred news sources online. Like ours, for example. But this will come at a cost.

Since you can’t always rely on your dumb neighbor’s unsecured WiFi, you’ll need to subscribe to your own data plan. And this will set you back an easy $20 each month – more, if the above mentioned agencies’ tracking code messes with your transfer speeds.

As you can see, the retail price of your smartphone is minuscule compared to what building it costs the environment, and human dignity. Be proud to own such a priceless piece of technology!

Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Even casual PayPal users vexed by PayPal’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad customer service

Even casual PayPal users vexed by PayPal’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad customer service

I’ve been a PayPal user for ages. If you mistake them for a bank, you do so at your peril, because they charge the highest fees, offer the lowest interest of all (zero, for the curious), and getting customer service is like trying to explain a card trick to Comcast over the phone.

Did I mention they are awful? Well, they are, and I’ll tell you why: Continue Reading

Posted in Biz News, Technology3 Comments

Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

Recently, scientists at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute at Harvard Medical School have analyzed DNA from prehistory, to discover large population shifts ranging from 45,000-7,000 years ago. Scientist David Reich concluded that these changes in prehistoric human populations directly correlate to the last Ice Age, which enabled prehistoric human migration to much of the northern world. And remnants of that ancient world can still be observed today. Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Science, Science & Technologizzy, Top Stories2 Comments

Donald Trump Generator Is as Infallible as Trump Himself!

Donald Trump Generator Is as Infallible as Trump Himself!

Recently, leading scientists have invented a Donald Trump Generator that is 100% indistinguishable from the ‘real’ thing! See the follow excerpt, to see just how real the merely robotic, mindless and mind-numbing repetitive ramblings of this kitschy, cheap-ass imitation of the Trump can be: Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Technology0 Comments

How Monsanto REALLY Makes GMOs

How Monsanto REALLY Makes GMOs

So much controversy about GMOs, but there shouldn’t be because they really are great, as this exclusive GlossyNews video will show you.

GMO foods done do a hot topic. So where is it come from?

Inside the laboratory

To get GMO wheat, they start with fresh-banked artisanal breads. Then place it in this re-cookifier to reconstitute the parts. Continue Reading

Posted in Health, Technology, Video News0 Comments

End of the Gay Dinosaurs: Fox News Steals the March on Glossy News!

End of the Gay Dinosaurs: Fox News Steals the March on Glossy News!

What do Fox News folks think about homosexuality and the end of the dinosaurs? Will male-on-male love bring about the end of the human species, just as it ended the reign of the dinosaurs?

Bill O’Reilly

Well, who’s to say? I don’t know. Maybe they just got gay-feminist-transdarwinist-cultural-marxist-crony-socialist-union-thug-gun-hating-dino-flu.

I mean, hell, I’m just throwing that one out there! I never said I had all the answers.

Glenn Beck

Continue Reading

Posted in Science, Television0 Comments

“Crypto-Leftie Tabloids” Conspiracy Theory: John Gray & Richard Dawkins Respond

“Crypto-Leftie Tabloids” Conspiracy Theory: John Gray & Richard Dawkins Respond

A year ago, Glossy News recently gave you The Absolute Truth on how tabloid journalism in the UK works.

That’s right: my recent article on how “right-wing moral panic journalism” is actually a Trojan horse for “far-left-radical-deep-cover-subversion.”

Still, I thought I should ask a couple of scholars, because as is well enough known: Continue Reading

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Saving them from Themselves… What, you think They’re Animals or What?!

Saving them from Themselves… What, you think They’re Animals or What?!

Could it be that anti-foxhunting ideologues are the interspecies equivalent of Amnesty International and IntCom? Are they complacently presenting themselves as ‘speaking up for those who don’t have a voice?’ ;) The lessons of Gayatri Spivak’s essay ‘Can the Subaltern Speak?’ are lost on them.

Animals cannot speak for themselves; but even if they could, would their self-appointed defenders allow them to speak anyway? Continue Reading

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Volkswagen Emissions Scandal is “No Conspiracy”

Volkswagen Emissions Scandal is “No Conspiracy”

WOLFSBURG – German Chancellor Angela Merkel asserted that the Volkswagen emission debacle, including years of cover-up, was “no conspiracy.”

Merkel stated: “Already there are crazy Volkswagen conspiracy theorists on the Internet who believe that two or more persons must have planned this emissions strategy. Instead, we are quite sure it was just one person, some lone nut. And we will discover the one person who is responsible, if we possibly can.” Continue Reading

Posted in Environment, Technology0 Comments

4K Glossy News PODCAST 009 (9-21-15)

4K Glossy News PODCAST 009 (9-21-15)

In my September 21st, 2015 4K/UHD podcasts, I cover a lot of ground, some of it even interesting. Here are just a few of the topics:

All of this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

* What it’s like to literally be lightning in the first person. Continue Reading

Posted in Podcasts, Technology0 Comments

4K Glossy News PODCAST 007 (9-7-15)

4K Glossy News PODCAST 007 (9-7-15)

In my September 7th 4K/UHD podcasts, I cover a lot of ground, some of it even interesting. Here are just a few of the topics:

A reminder this is available in UHD on YouTube by searching “Glossy Podcast” or as an MP3 on iTunes by searching “Glossy News”.

* What kind of stats and comments can a new podcast expect to get? Bear in mind, I’ve worked very hard at promotion, but I’m not famous, so it’s a slog, but it’s worth it. Continue Reading

Posted in Podcasts, Technology0 Comments

Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors

Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors

Microsoft is proud to introduce Windows 10, the latest version of our operating system for PCs and tablets.

To help you get to know our new system better, here are answers to some questions you might have.

Why is it called Windows 10 when your last operating system was Windows 8?

Lots of people have asked this question. Some folks think that that because Windows 8 was such an unpopular disaster we wanted to put a little numerical distance between it and our new system. Continue Reading

Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Internets Tubes2 Comments

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