Posted on 12 January 2012. Tags: Conservative Think Tank, gingrich, mad scientists, Presidential ellection 2012, reagan, republicans
SCENARIO- A secret laboratory deep underground beneath the American Heritage Think Tank And Karaoke Lounge in Washington. It is a room filled with strange scientific paraphernalia- tubes transporting strangely colored liquids run here and there connecting into buzzing machines. Varied colored indicator lights flicker on and off. All of these things seem to center upon a mysterious, human-shaped chamber filled with swirling gases in the middle of the room. Continue Reading
Posted in Politics, Technology
Posted on 08 January 2012. Tags: apple, computer technology, holograms, ipad, iphone, steve jobs
Apple Inc. announced today its founder did not ‘go gentle into that good night.’ Instead, Steve re-booted. Developer Etta Place told reporters, “We don’t hawk that ‘quantum leap forward’ jazz; we’re not Microsoft. Our work speaks for itself. What we’ve accomplished is Virtual Cloning.”
Ms. Place went on to explain VC had been a 2019 scheduled product release, but Job’s final contribution was leadership of the accelerated development timetable. Continue Reading
Posted in Technology
Posted on 28 December 2011. Tags: abominable snowman, Australia, creatures, Hell, kangaroos, wallaby
No, I am not going to write about kangaroos.
I am not that cheap. Everybody who wants to write funny stories about Australia writes about kangaroos. I refuse to stoop that low. They are too easy a target, too cheap a shot. I will, however, write about koala bears. I may not be cheap, but I have my limits. Koala bears sell.
Just to show how thin the line between humor and reality is at times I have put an asterisk before items that really, actually and truly did happen. Continue Reading
Posted in Science
Posted on 17 September 2011. Tags: Al Gore, climate change, congress, global warming, imaginary numbers, mathematician, warming oceans
After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago on global warming.
As the head of a team assigned by Congress, Dr. Dietrich managed over a dozen mathematicians and scientists tasked with estimating the mean temperature in 2035 by extrapolating world temperature data from the last 80 years.
It took Dietrich’s team five weeks to prepare the report, after which it was sent to Congress and then made public. It was several days later, on August 2, that Carl Bombelli, a concerned citizen, noticed that some of the numbers in the report seemed a bit off. After investigating for several hours with a pocket calculator and a whiteboard, Bombelli discovered what he believed to be evidence that Dietrich had been using completely imaginary numbers. Bombelli reported his findings to the FBI.
On August 5, after advisement from the FBI, Congress convened the Congressional Investigation Committee (CIC) which did a full investigation into Dietrich and his report. After considerable inquiry into the matter, the CIC found that Dietrich referenced the square root of negative one in three of his equations. After finding that no such number exists the CIC concluded that Dietrich did in fact intentionally and maliciously use completely imaginary numbers. The CIC made an official recommendation that Dietrich resign and further promised to consider criminal charges in the coming weeks.
67% of the three people we polled were appalled and outraged but not really surprised that the damn liberals have resorted to using completely imaginary numbers.
We caught up with Dietrich at an ice cream shop in Dallas and asked him, “Did you really use imaginary numbers in your report on global warming?”
“Yeah, so?” answered Dietrich, licking his chocolate covered waffle cone.
“Was it an accident?”
“Of course not!” Dietrich crunched on his waffle cone.
“So it was malicious.”
“What!?”
We left it at that because Dietrich seemed a little confused and a bit agitated. Plus we we wanted to finish our ice cream before it melted.
Posted in Science
Posted on 03 September 2011. Tags: e-mail, Julian Assange, leaked documents, secret e-mails, secretary of state, trench coat, wikileaks
LONDON – The anti-secrecy organization WikiLeaks today issued a public apology for what it termed a “programming error” that resulted in the accidental release of all deleted messages of the world’s e-mail users.
“We sincerely regret this error,” WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said in the statement, “and we apologize to all those who may be affected by this unfortunate release of their previously private electronic communications.” Continue Reading
Posted in Technology, Top Stories
Posted on 01 September 2011. Tags: astronomy, Carl Sagan, george bush, Hell, NASA, satan, telescope, universe
It started out as a normal night for amateur astronomer Rick Saty last Wednesday evening. After setting up his 14-inch reflector telescope in his backyard and collimating it (a process in which the lenses are adjusted to bring them all into perfect alignment), he turned his telescope at a variety of objects in the night sky. Like he always does, the first thing Saty checked out was the Orion Nebula and then the Andromeda Galaxy, “They’re so inspiring.” Continue Reading
Posted in Science
Posted on 27 August 2011. Tags: brain, dinosaurs, flap/willy, male member, penis, thinking with penis
Physiological scientists have made an amazing discovery in that man (and we mean specifically ‘man’ here, not ‘wo-man’) much like the dinosaurs of ancient times, possess a second brain located in an extremity of the body. Both man and dinosaurs have the similarity of having a major brain in their heads that regulates most of their bodily functions, but, whereas dinosaurs have a second, smaller brain in their tail ends, man’s has been discovered in his penis tip. Continue Reading
Posted in Science
Posted on 16 August 2011. Tags: Internets Tubes, Keyboard Shortcuts

Most users of the Windows operating system are familiar with such frequently used keyboard shortcuts as Ctrl+C for copying selected text or Ctrl+V for inserting text. A number of new keyboard shortcuts have recently been introduced to assist users in handling common new word processing and electronic communications tasks. Among them are the following:
| Insert+H+C |
Automatically posts comment “How cute!” when Facebook friends post pictures of their children |
| Ctrl+U+F |
Politely un-friends someone on Facebook |
| Ctrl+F+U |
Impolitely un-friends someone on Facebook |
| Alt+Home |
Switches bank account’s automatic house mortgage payments to pup tent layaway order payments |
| Shift+N+B+A |
Replaces “Heat” with “Mavericks” |
| Shift+N+H+L |
Replaces “Canucks” with “Bruins” |
| Ctl+F6 |
Writes script for next “The Fast and the Furious” sequel |
| Alt+P+R |
Alters Wikipedia entry on Paul Revere to validate latest public statements |
| Alt+N |
Replaces “nigger”, “coon”, “darkie”, “spade”, “colored”, “bumper lips”, “burr head”, “jackamammy”, “jigaboo”, “jungle bunny”, “lawn jockey”, “pickaninny” and “porch-monkey” in historical fiction for young people with “antique farm equipment” |
| Ctrl+A+W |
Adds “Do you really want to attach this photo of your penis?” prompt to Outlook
e-mail settings |
| Shift+M+R |
Replaces “My health care plan for Massachusetts could be a model for the nation” with “My health care plan for Massachusetts could be a model for the nation, but not in a national way, of course, because that would clearly be a disaster” |
| Shift+T+P |
Replaces “Obamneycare” with “Uh…I was just quoting what President Obama said.” |
| Shift+N+E+W+T |
Replaces “right-wing social engineering” with “securing Medicare’s future” |
| Shift+P+B |
Replaces “Palin” with “Bachmann” |
| Shift+O |
Replaces “Wall Street fat cats” with “my valued 2012 campaign contributors” |
| Shift+E+S |
Replaces “disgraced former governor” with “CNN host” in updated CV |
| Shift+End |
Replaces 05.21.2011 with 10.21.2011 as Rapture date |
| Shift+UpArrow |
Replaces Osama bin Laden with Ayman al-Zawahiri in Al Qaeda e-mail signature |
| Delete+DownArrow |
Creates automatic response for bin Laden Gmail account: “I am currently out of my office with limited e-mail access.” |
Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Technology
Posted on 14 August 2011. Tags: climate change, debt, debt crisis, financial crisis, global warming, U.S.
NEW YORK – Despite suffering through one of the hottest summers on record, Americans are finding that their previous concerns about the possible long-term effects of global warming have been nearly eradicated as a result of their newfound fears about the global debt crisis. Continue Reading
Posted in Environment, Politics
Posted on 24 July 2011. Tags: catastrophe, hurricane, justice, NASA, revenge, tsunami, unemployment
It was thought to be a bittersweet moment as the last ever space shuttle mission landed flawlessly in the early hours of dawn that day. What began in the bold optimism of JFK’s challenge to walk on the moon had ended a half century later in a very different world with vastly different challenges. Continue Reading
Posted in Science & Technologizzy
Posted on 05 June 2011. Tags: archaeology, Athens, excavation, Greece, greek, high school, Sparta
Athens, Greece – GlossyNews.com – Archaeologists digging in the Greek Peloponnese in the region of ancient Sparta have reported the amazing discovery of a virtually intact Spartan high school once attended by at least 100 students.
The Spartans were the ancient Greeks known for their warlike society and, well, spartan lifestyle as depicted in the popular Hollywood animated movie 300. Continue Reading
Posted in Science
Posted on 03 June 2011. Tags: 2012 prophesy, camping, doomsday, Harold Camping, mayan, playstation, rapture, sony
The weeks of the Playstation Network being down was frustrating for many gamers. What was even more frustrating was the constant reassurance that the network would be back up soon, with that date being pushed farther and farther back.
Many gamers voiced their frustration at Sony for continuously moving back the date for when the network would be back online. Responding to the gaming community’s frustrations, Sony released an announcement explaining the situation. Continue Reading
Posted in Entertainment, Gadgets & Gizmos
Posted on 02 June 2011. Tags: 2012 judgment day, armageddon, BS, false prediction, Harold Camping, judgement day, Lost, rapture
Harold Camping, whose prediction about the Rapture failed to materialize, has admitted using clues gleaned from the now canceled ABC series LOST to calculate the date. “I don’t know what went wrong,” he lamented, wiping the tears from his eyes with hundred dollar bills. “The clues were all there. My math was right. I’m not sure exactly what the hell happened!” Continue Reading
Posted in Religionism, Science & Technologizzy
Posted on 25 May 2011. Tags: abominable snowman, bigfoot, midget giant, myth, mythical beast, pygmy, sasquatch, urban legend
Vancouver, BC – GlossyNews.com – In what may finally put to rest the perennial “Does Bigfoot exist?” controversy, a team of Canadian scientists from Saskatchewan State College announced Tuesday that it has discovered a race of pygmy Bigfoots living deep in the remote pine forest of British Columbia.
“We tracked a trail of their massive footprints for three days,” says lead archaeologist Jacob Standunsky. Continue Reading
Posted in Environment, Science
Posted on 11 May 2011. Tags: doctor, medication, mental, obama, psychology, Stress, suicide
Stress is the number one mental problem plaguing society today. Stress can lead to obesity, anorexia, suicide, and color T.V. Did you know that there has been a 20% increase of stress-related spontaneous combustion in April 2011 due only to rumors of Whoopi Goldberg leaving The View? Continue Reading
Posted in Health, Science
Posted on 08 May 2011. Tags: Denmark, depression, disease, health care, international affair, medical studies, SAD, seasonal affective disorder
DENMARK (Glossynews.com International) –A new study currently underway in Denmark could prove that prolonged exposure to darkness may improve symptoms of merriment and cheer in people who are “entirely too happy.”
While the evidence is inconclusive, researchers say that the study is promising for therapists who are losing dozens of potential patients to the inherent joy and positive nature of the Danish people. Continue Reading
Posted in Health, Science & Technologizzy
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