Archive | Science & Technologizzy

Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

In a groundbreaking pronouncement, the International Forum of Theoretical Physicists today stated that Donald Trump’s election confirmed the existence of the multiverse.

At a press conference held at the National Academy of Sciences, Belinda Suarez, IFTP’s executive director, declared that our plane of existence is only one of an infinite number of universes with distinct histories, thereby putting an end to decades of debate in the scientific community.

When pressed about the connection between Trump and the multiverse, Suarez stated that the U.S. presidential election results struck the scientific community as such an astronomically improbable event that they inspired some of the world’s leading mathematicians and physicists to calculate their likelihood.

Given Trump’s flagrant contempt for women, blacks, Hispanics, the LGBTQ community, Muslims, immigrants, disabled persons, war heroes, and basic human decency, the scientists discovered that the odds of his election were so prodigiously minute that they proved we reside in the only universe in the infinite multiverse where this could have possibly taken place.

Suarez stated that, “When scientists previously theorized about the multiverse, they postulated that anything that could possibly happen actually did, only in an alternate timeline. In other words, there’s a universe where Germany won the Second World War, another where Kim Kardashian is Pope, and a third where people eat nothing but asparagus. In some universes, humans have arms growing out of their foreheads or tank treads instead of feet. Literally every possible scenario exists in a reality separate from our own. It therefore struck us that, somewhere in some other universes, scientists were discussing the preposterous assertion that the United States would elect Donald Trump president. It turns out we were right. And they laughed at us.”

When pressed about who exactly “laughed at us,” Suarez replied with, “We built a machine to communicate with the other universes, and most of them laughed at us. We also received quite a few condolences. Pope Kim the First wrote us a very heartfelt epistle. The asparagus universe’s scientists are working on a device to ship us a bouquet of conciliatory… well… asparagus. We tried to dissuade them, but they insisted.”

Apparently, several universes remarked on our terrible situation, including one where people eat their own feces for breakfast, another where giant praying mantises evolved to become our autocratic masters, and a third where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hold sway over a shattered hellscape. They all thanked their respective gods/demons/insect overlords that they did not reside in our reality.

Asked if any universes expressed joy at Trump’s election, Suarez paused and responded “Well, the universe where Donald Trump is Emperor of the Moon thought it was pretty great.”

Suarez concluded her briefing by addressing how the scientific community planned to utilize this amazing discovery. “We’re working on a machine to transport us into literally any other universe. I personally want to get the hell out of here, and I’m sure many of you feel the same.”

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics, Science2 Comments

NASA Continues Search for Planets Where Government More Favorable to Funding Space Exploration

NASA Continues Search for Planets Where Government More Favorable to Funding Space Exploration

A panel of experts unveiled seven earth-sized planets only 235,145,014,927,344 miles from Earth (where we live), three of which may posses the proper conditions for Pokemon.

This is only the latest milestone in an ongoing search to identify alien governments that may be more willing to fund NASA’s budget than the U.S. government.

“It’s immensely exciting,” said Jane Kranston, an accountant at NASA:

“Ever since they cut funding for toilet seats, we’ve been incredibly motivated to diversify our funding across the Universe. Even the Multiverse if that’s what it takes. Just imagine that somewhere out there is a parallel Universe in which NASA has all its funding and we’ve already terraformed Saturn.”

With a budget that has dropped a staggering 96% since its peak in the 1960s, NASA now has to rely more on private space industry. But even this strategy is not without its detractors. Dean Shmumer, a White House advisor explains that budgets come down to dollars and cents:

“Consider the cost of one SpaceX flight to the ISS. We have to pay $133 million of taxpayer money for that. Meanwhile, we could send the President to Florida thirteen times for the same cost. How could we justify wasting Americans’ hard-earned money on a joyride into space?”

Meanwhile, Kranston and crew watch with anticipation to see what kind of civilizations might inhabit these other worlds:

“A big indication to us will be unorthodox gender roles,” she explains. “We’ve been told by some of our top scientists that there is a strong correlation between cultures in which gender roles are loosely defined and a willingness to fund mass exodus from a planet. If we can find a single dad doing dishes and expertly tracking his children’s developmental milestones on just one of these planets, then our chances of receiving the funding we need will increase exponentially.”

There is some concern about exchange rates between the U.S. dollar and various intergalactic coinages, credits, or whuffie. But Kranston and others at NASA are confident the American people will be ready to submit to new alien overlords and adopt a new currency if it means getting a few clearer pictures of the M81 galaxy.

For now, passionate NASA employees can only cling to the faith that a government somewhere out there is amicable to space exploration.

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Mosquitoes- The Mini-Mes Of Vampires

Mosquitoes- The Mini-Mes Of Vampires

Mosquitoes are evil little geniuses.

They are adept enough to fly up, whine in your ear, then take off laughing as you whip yourself in the head trying to swat them.

They know how to hold a victim in suspense as they flit about having the wiles to dodge the hand raised in self defense. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science0 Comments

Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—On Monday, Feb 15, the New York Times published a letter signed by 37 psychiatrists who expressed severe doubts about President Trump’s mental health.

Trump “appears to have had the fragile mind of a two-year old implanted into his 70 year-old brain,” said the psychiatrists. “Our expert medical opinion is that President Trump is off his rocker. More specifically, he’s fallen off his rocker, landed on the floor, rolled off the floor and out the front door, down the steps and down the mountain side, splashed into the ocean and sank into a volcano at the bottom of the sea.”

Thanks to the technological services of an anonymous group of hackers, 200 million Americans were able to simultaneously pipe their response to the letter directly into the bedrooms of all 37 psychiatrists. Transmitted at a deafening decibel, the response was, “No shit, Captain Obvious!”

Two days later, the NY Times published a letter signed by 37 different psychiatrists who reached the opposite conclusion, that Trump’s mental state is as healthy as anyone’s can be.

Curiously, both letters were signed by 20 men and 17 women. One of the male psychiatrists who signed the first letter is a little person, and one who signed the second is also a little person.

Three of the men who signed the first letter, and three of the different men who signed the second all have 9 inch-long scraggly beards that have the same mixed shades of brown and grey.

Two of the women who signed the first letter, and two of the different women who signed the second have had mastectomies.

This has led one physicist to blame the mirroring effect on spillover from other universes in the multiverse.

Another physicist, Eugene Nerdopolous, has posited what he calls the “Of Course Principle” to explain the puzzling phenomenon of professionals who cancel each other out in psychiatry and in several other sciences.

“To paraphrase Isaac Newton,” he says, “for every psychiatrist there’s an equal and opposite psychiatrist.

“And the same holds in any scientific field in which a lot of money is at stake for the scientist. If one blood spatter expert is willing to testify that the blood left at the crime scene was caused by a gruesome act of murder, of course another will testify that the red fluid isn’t blood at all, but raspberry filling from a squashed donut.”

The differences aren’t due merely to the ambiguity of the subject matter, which could allow for different rational interpretations. “It’s more a question of the world mocking our vain attempts to understand and control it. When 37 psychiatrists think anyone needs them to state the obvious about Trump, and then the universe throws up 37 equal and opposite psychiatrists, something’s having a laugh at our expense.”

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Posted in Health, Politics, Science0 Comments

How to win on jackpot slot macines

How to win on jackpot slot macines

Slot machine games are one of the most colorful and loudest attractions to be found in a casino and online.

Their designs can range anywhere from plain numbers to creative themes. Slot machines have been a popular choice for many casinos to keep patrons entertained and for good reason.

Each year these machines bring in billions of dollars of revenue due to patrons seeking out the jackpot. Winning is not usually a huge part of the equation when it comes to myVegas slot machines since luck is the name of the game. Continue Reading

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Never Kiss A Saber Toothed Squirrel.

Never Kiss A Saber Toothed Squirrel.

It isn’t often one sees a saber toothed squirrel.

Of course, it isn’t often one wants to see a saber toothed squirrel, but when one does see one it invariably leads to commentary. For instance: “Why the (bleep) does that squirrel have a saber tooth and how can he chew anything without sticking himself?” is often heard. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment0 Comments

How Mountain Dew is REALLY Made [VIDEO]

How Mountain Dew is REALLY Made [VIDEO]

Mountain Dew is the Appalachian vitamin drink, but how do they really make it? The answer may very well surprise you, but it’s not that bad. You’ll see, it’s pretty good and pretty much safe.

Playlist of How It’s REALLY Made Videos

Transcript

Mountain Dew beloved for its healing properties, is a popular beverage but how do they really make it? Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, Video News0 Comments

Yorkshire Death-Trap Outdoes Even Finland’s Machine of Doom

Yorkshire Death-Trap Outdoes Even Finland’s Machine of Doom

The worst name of a lift manufacturing company is owned by the good people of ANSA Elevators Ltd. It may well mean something in English, but ansa means something in Finnish too. That meaning is trap.

However, a close second has to be the company that installed the lift at The Core shopping centre in Leeds. Continue Reading

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Galen Erso will Design Note8

Galen Erso will Design Note8

Seoul, South Korea: Samsung announced that they have a new Head of Engineering overseeing the design of the Galaxy Note8.

Galen Erso, the only engineer from the Note7 project deemed competent enough to avoid termination will be taking the helm of the so-called “Next Great Thing.” Continue Reading

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Android versus iPhone: Let’s Agree to Disagree

Android versus iPhone: Let’s Agree to Disagree

The Android versus iPhone debate has been persistent ever since the top selling smartphones became contenders. As with many types of technology, there are hardcore brand supporters who will not and cannot be persuaded to try something different. So, while you may already have your mind set on whether or not you will be a lifelong Android or iPhone user, it’s diplomatic to say that we can all agree to disagree; both phones have a lot of great qualities. Continue Reading

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What’s Next for Wearables?

What’s Next for Wearables?

It’s probably fair to say that wearable technology hasn’t quite taken off in the way Samsung and Apple might have hoped. The Apple Watch, for example, was called “confusing” by The Guardian upon its initial release in 2015 while Samsung’s attempts at cracking the niche are approaching double figures. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Google’s Daydream View Brings VR Home

Google’s Daydream View Brings VR Home

While there is a plethora of Virtual Reality (VR) headsets on the market, the new light, comfortable and stylish Daydream View by Google feels like a game changer.

None of the previous headsets have quite hit the sweet spot in terms of price, comfort and usability, to make VR experiences accessible to the mass market. But Google’s Daydream is considerably cheaper than the Oculus Rift or the HTC Vive, is far more comfortable that Google Cardboard and is for mobile VR, so users don’t require a powerful PC. Continue Reading

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Introducing Bedtime

Introducing Bedtime

Cook: “Here at Apple, we’re proud to announce our latest innovation. It’s called Bedtime, and it can improve your sleep quality by 160%.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Technology0 Comments

Glossy News Classics (I): Benjamin Cain’s ‘Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational’

Glossy News Classics (I): Benjamin Cain’s ‘Hardline Atheists Condemn Sleep and Sex as Irrational’

NOTE FROM WALLACE: As one of the very longest running fake news satire outlets of all time, Glossy News has had a lot of classics over the years. Here’s one of the pieces that really stood out.

In my opinion: you’re already doing well if you can put good content in the mouths of your satire personas. But to mimic their style is really quite an advanced skill. Well done Benjamin!

***

Dateline: SPRINGFIELD, MI—Speaking jointly at a press conference after coming to a unanimous decision at this year’s Skepticon, held at Missouri State University, representatives of the New Atheist movement condemned sleep and sex for being irrational.

“Religious faith is clearly unreasonable,” said author Sam Harris, “but so are your unconscious dreams and so is your sex life. If we’re going to survive the coming technological advances, we’ve got to smarten up and cut all ties to our primitive ancestry. We’ve got to become posthuman.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Ever Wanted to Burn Your Money? Well Now You Can

Ever Wanted to Burn Your Money? Well Now You Can

Ever spent so much that it literally felt like you were burning money? While it’s never a good idea to spend more than you can afford, the idea of burning your money isn’t quite as bad as it used to be. Of course, we’re not saying that you should unfold a wad of dollar bills and casually set them alight, but if you did it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Why, we hear you cry? Well, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, you can now pay for almost anything and everything without using physical cash. In fact, you don’t even need to use a government-controlled currency such as the US Dollar or Great British Pound if you don’t want to.

Modern technology has literally revolutionized the payment world in recent years and by far the biggest innovation is cryptocurrencies. Essentially a monetary system created by the Internet and for the Internet, cryptocurrencies aren’t subject to any government sanctions and are an extremely efficient way to pay online. Continue Reading

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Saved by the bell: When your phone saves you from boredom

Saved by the bell: When your phone saves you from boredom

When the idea of the mobile phone was made a reality back in the early 1980s, it was done so with the aim of enabling people to make and receive calls from wherever they were. Nowadays, though, phone calls are often one of the lesser used functions of a mobile phone. Since the smartphone has hit the shelves, the mobile device has taken a new life from phone to computer, camera to games console, and as new apps keep hitting the market, it is bound to get even more functions. With almost three billion people across the globe currently in possession of a smartphone, it’s probably fair to say as a civilisation that we are now pretty reliant on our phones for a host of reasons.

One aspect of life a mobile phone can help us with is when we’re just waiting around. Whether it’s while you’re waiting for a bus, sat on a toilet or in the process of being stood up on a first date, our smartphones can save us from boredom as well as potentially awkward situations.

Waiting

As you’re waiting for a train or a date, a smartphone can be a game-changer. While in years gone by you would have been forced to read the train timetable or try to act as though the wine menu was intensely interesting, you can now simply get out your phone and check out your social media or catch up on last night’s episode of Celebrity Masterchef. With so many awesome apps constantly being released, as long as you have your phone with you, you no longer have to suffer from the boredom virus.

Toilet Breaks

Sitting on the toilet and reading the newspaper might be how your parents did things but the world has changed over the past 20 years. A recent survey by Voucherbox found that over three quarters of respondents took their phones with them to the toilet. You might expect many to be using this time as a chance to catch up on social media or play games. The truth is that many actually use their toilet break as an opportunity to work, with over half sending an email while one in 10 people who responded to the survey admitted to taking part in conference calls while taking care of their own personal “business”. It’s not all work, though, with 51% revealing they make online purchases while in the bathroom – adding a whole new meaning to the expression “spending a penny”.

Cinema

Let’s be honest, we’ve all ended up spending two hours in a cinema on a first date wanting to walk out because the film was just terrible but having to stay because leaving someone in the cinema on their own is up there with checking out the waitress/waiter in terms of bad first-date moves.

smartphone2

Rather than having to watch the latest Adam Sandler offering on the big screen, you can instead watch the second half of the football or the latest episode of Game of Thrones. And if the date is going as badly as the film, your smartphone can save the day again as you order an Uber and get yourself out of Dodge.

So, while we might have begun to take our smartphones for granted, take a moment to reflect on just how important to everyday life our phones are. And try not to drop it down the toilet when you’re next playing Candy Crush and avoiding work.

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