My Short-Lived Career As A BINGO Announcer

My Short-Lived Career as a BINGO AnnouncerThroughout my life, I’ve held a variety of jobs – from Sales Director to Director of Sales and everything in between. Given the chance, I could have been a superstar selling advertising, life insurance or legal research to anyone from astronauts to Aborigines, had my employers not fired me for poor performance and incompetence. So, you can imagine my excitement when I recently heard about an opening that sounded right up my alley: Working the BINGO booth at our local county fair.

When word got to me that a local non-profit needed help with the fair’s BINGO operations, I knew I was the perfect candidate. When the BINGO Boss man called, I was totally prepared. I had updated my resume to reflect relevant skills that made me uniquely qualified for this challenge – most notably that I was adept – even under pressure – at differentiating most letters from numbers.

I was surprised at how few questions the recruiter posed during the interview. His opening pitch was, “Are you willing to work the BINGO booth at the fair this weekend?” From the get-go, I picked up on serious buying signals. Not to appear immodest, but I am a tenacious negotiator. I asked him what the base salary was. He said there was no salary. I interpreted that to mean it was commission-only. No problem, I thought. That just means the sky’s the limit.

I asked about stock options, how the health insurance plan worked, whether the job came with a matching 401K and when I’d be eligible for my four weeks of vacation. In the end, we reached what I feel was a fair compromise: No salary, vacation, stock options or health coverage. But I wrangled free entrance to the entire fairgrounds – including behind-the-scenes access to the rabbits exhibit and the tractor pull competition.   

I reported to my new post ten minutes before my shift began – because I read somewhere that arriving early makes a good impression with your new employer. I also heard that you should dress slightly nicer than your colleagues. So, I made my grand entrance in a sports coat and power tie. My co-workers were sorely under-dressed in shorts, t-shirts and sneakers. How embarrassing for them.

I put on the official yellow cashier’s apron. My first assignment was to hand out BINGO cards and take people’s money: One card for one dollar. Three cards for two dollars. As my confidence grew, so did my innovative purchase options: “For only one grand, you can get fifteen BINGO cards. Pay $10,000 and I’ll name my next child after you.” (Full disclosure: I don’t plan to have any more children.)

I was about to close a deal on 15 BINGO cards, when the guy in charge pulled me aside and told me to stick with the three-cards-for-two-dollars offer. Not to be critical of my new boss, but he was such an inside-the-box thinker.

I clearly was doing a superior job handing out BINGO cards, because after only twenty minutes on day one, I was promoted to the position of announcer. That’s right. I had quickly rocketed to the big time, or The Show, as we call it in the BINGO biz.

I was dumbfounded that my big break came so quickly. Some postulate it was because the previous announcer was hoarse from calling numbers for four hours straight. But I believe that my enormous potential was finally being recognized. This is where I belonged – in the spotlight, although technically, the spotlight was broken.

One thing you probably should know about me. It’s dangerous to hand me a microphone without clear instructions about what I can and cannot say. All I was told was to call out the letter-number combinations on the balls as they emerged from the tube. I was never told what I could NOT say. So, if you ask me, what happened next was totally on them.

The microphone fit me like a glove and I quickly began working the crowd. I was the star of BINGO Improve, cracking one joke after another.

If you were anxiously awaiting N-45, I’m pleased to announce that the number is [dramatic pause] … G-57. 

Are you hoping to win that two-week vacation to France? Then I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong booth. You might want to try the sheep and goats pavilion. 

Step right up folks. If we don’t get enough players, I’ll be forced to serenade you with some of my favorite John Denver classics. Did I mention I’m tone-deaf? 

I sure am getting hungry smelling those corn dogs and funnel cakes. If you buy me a tasty treat, I just might find a way to let you win.

For reasons still unclear to me, the Boss man frowned on my jokes about helping people cheat. Looks like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning.

I started calling out the numbers as Roman Numerals: “The next number is O-LXXII.” Then I announced them in American Sign Language (because this is America). Next, I launched into foreign accents: British, French, German and New Jersey – until the booth boss pulled me aside again, appearing annoyed, and told me to just announce the numbers like a normal person.

Everything was going along fine, I thought, until I ad-libbed a little too creatively, loudly proclaiming that the next game would be for the 2018 International BINGO World Championship, and that one lucky winner might drive away in a shiny new Corvette. Apparently, that was the last straw. My employer intervened and, like a baseball manager approaching the mound to take the ball from his starting pitcher, he asked me to hand him the microphone. I had been pulled.

My meteoric rise to the top of the BINGO profession came crashing down on my very first shift. But like those Bingo balls that never got called, I’ll bounce back eventually. In the meantime, I just hope they have a decent severance package to tide me over till I land my next job, as a carnival barker.


Compulsory Super-Fast Broadband is set to Make New Builds Even More Desirable

Government officials have released a new national strategy for telecoms, putting forward the proposal to ensure it is compulsory for all new builds to be fitted with superfast broadband connections throughout the UK.

A complete overhaul from the current copper-based networks could take place by 2030, with the main focus on new build homes alongside remote rural areas of the country. Reports from the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) suggest that the changes could see it becoming mandatory for all newly built properties to be completed with full fibre, top speed broadband connections.

The vision of providing every new homeowner or tenant with world class connectivity has emerged due to the conclusion that the UK is lagging behind the rest of Europe. Only 4% of homes are fitted with full fibre connections in the UK, compared to a huge proportion in Portugal at 89%, 71% in Spain and 28% in France, with high speed connections becoming increasingly more prevalent in these top performing European countries.

Progressions in connectivity boost the attractivity of new build properties, securing a major selling point and generating more appeal which increases demand, particularly for students. Tenants studying across major cities will benefit from the technological breakthrough and research shows the particular demographic of students are willing to pay a premium for good internet coverage.

A rollout of high speed broadband connections in densely populated areas have been analysed to discover the link between property prices and the broadband availability, which highlight the value of Broadband in households throughout the UK.

Statistics compiled over a 15-year period, suggest that property prices increase by an average of 3% when the internet speed doubles with London residents showing considerable willingness over the rest of the country when it comes to paying for broadband connections. This reflects a spike in usage in the capital city for both work and leisure reasons.

Objectives have been introduced by the government to boost its ability to meet a housebuilding target of 300,000 homes a year with the foresight to introduce 5G connectivity as part of the Industrial Strategy, aiming to build country fit for the future. Advancements in full fibre infrastructure has been declared absolutely imperative to underpin 5G coverage, which will be unquestionably faster than 4G and 3G connections that exist now. The ambitious plans intend to connect 15 million premises to full fibre broadband by 2025 with developments in network speed aiding the tenant demand in new build housing.

DCMS Secretary of State, Jeremy Wright, states:

“This new radical blueprint for the future of telecommunications in this country will increase competition and investment in full fibre broadband and create more commercial opportunities”.

The UK is pushing the boundaries and enhancing the existing standards supplying prospective homeowners or tenants with groundbreaking connectivity no matter where they live, rent, work or travel. RW Invest, investment specialists based in Liverpool, provide an extensive portfolio of new build properties that contain free high-speed connections as part of the overall purchase price. Click here to view your next investment opportunity


U.S. Declares Plastic a Major Food Group, Part of a Balanced Diet

WASHINGTON – In a move described as “accepting reality” the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has declared plastic to be “a major food group.”

US FDA spokesperson Carl Manson stated: “We admit that trace amounts of plastic leak into many food products. Significant amounts of plastic appear in other food products, such as fish. However, top scientists all agree that there is nothing wrong with ingesting plastics, as has been proven by generations of long-term studies since the 1960s.” Read more U.S. Declares Plastic a Major Food Group, Part of a Balanced Diet


You Can Take a Hike

You Can Take a HikeLately, whenever someone invites me to go hiking, my response is usually: “You can take a hike.” That’s because, I really don’t care for hiking.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not lazy. Okay, maybe that’s a lie. But I used to take long walking excursions all the time. It’s one of my wife’s favorite leisure activities – so much so that she snuck it into our wedding vows: “I promise to love, honor and cherish you – and take annoyingly long, arduous hikes into mosquito-infested woods in the middle of nowhere – so long as we both shall live” I probably should have read over our vows a bit more carefully, but young love makes you say yes to the craziest things. Read more You Can Take a Hike


New Study Finds That Punching Walls Hurts Your Hand

A new study by the Center for National Studies has found that people who punch walls are likely to hurt their hands.

This breakthrough research took the scientific community by surprise as it was previously believed that punching a hard, immovable object would have no impact at all on one’s health. Read more New Study Finds That Punching Walls Hurts Your Hand


Alleged Faked Photographs Challenge Credibility Of Wildlife Photographer Of The Year Awards

London’s Natural History Museum has been forced to rethink the entry requirements for its Wildlife Photographer of the Year awards.

Once again, a prizewinning entry has been subsequently disqualified. That image, entered in the 2017 competition and called The Night Raider, depicts an anteater near a termite mound in Brazil. Read more Alleged Faked Photographs Challenge Credibility Of Wildlife Photographer Of The Year Awards


Why Do People Keep Breaking the Internet, and How Can We Get Them to Stop?

You would think that something could be broken only so many times, but apparently when it comes to the Internet, the laws of (meta)physics make an exception. Every few days. Read more Why Do People Keep Breaking the Internet, and How Can We Get Them to Stop?


Young Walmart Folk Discouraged About Making Ends-Meat (!), Learn New Recipe

Having worked at a dime over minimum wage, Maria Jones appreciates the part-time wages from Walmart. She’s struggled, but a new, FREE recipe handed down from the notoriously progressive management has solved almost all her problems. Read more Young Walmart Folk Discouraged About Making Ends-Meat (!), Learn New Recipe


Militant Gamers Denounce X-Box Censors as ‘Sad, Pathetic Losers with a Lot of Time on Their Hands’

The recent decision to remove X Box users for cursing while Microsoft merrily trawl their data has resulted in a serious backlash. X-Box gamers are now accusing Micosoft of being idle, unfocused losers who have nothing better to do than mess around on hi-tech gadgets and piss their life away.  Read more Militant Gamers Denounce X-Box Censors as ‘Sad, Pathetic Losers with a Lot of Time on Their Hands’


Mark Zuckerberg Removed from World’s Richest Humans List on a Technicality

Cunning Valley resident and sneaky human analog Mark Zuckerberg has been removed from the Forbes Richest list on the technicality that he has failed to provide proof of his humanity. Read more Mark Zuckerberg Removed from World’s Richest Humans List on a Technicality


Tips on How to Make your Own Cannabis Seeds

Are you growing your own cannabis? If you are – then you will know there is nothing more rewarding than growing your own seeds too.  We’ve put together some handy tips as to how you can make seeds on isolated branches without risking pollinating your entire crop. Read more Tips on How to Make your Own Cannabis Seeds


Facebook to Add “Like” button for Likes

If you ever liked someone’s post and felt bad that they didn’t like you back, Facebook has you covered. Soon you’ll be able to like likes and like your like-likes.

“Do you know that feeling deep in the pit of your heart?” asked sentient meatbag Mark Zuzkerberg. “When you take the time to like a post but nobody likes your like? Those days are over.” Read more Facebook to Add “Like” button for Likes