Kind of a hard thing to boycott, an act of nature such as that. I guess you can bury your head in the sand and just pretend it didn’t happen, but why would you? A question only a hipster could answer.

I boycott tampons. I don’t use them and I refuse to buy them. They’ll get none of my money… but a solar eclipse? What’s not to like about that? What’s even to debate about that? It either happens or it doesn’t, and it kind of does, boycott or no. Continue Reading

It makes sense. All you have to do to honor Arbor Day is plant some trees. It’s the day of trees, after all. Find a good spot with some sunshine, throw down a seedling, call it a day, right?

It turns out it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, it turns out, you have to also obey the law and not get yourself arrested. Seems crazy, right? I mean, we’re just talking about trees, aren’t we? Continue Reading

Barack rubbed weakly at his temples, which were sore and rough to the touch. He breathed slowly, in and out, as he tried to focus his racing mind, burdened by the thoughts of millions.

He noticed through the window the slightest shift of light from the setting sun as he made his way to a makeshift podium, isolated and ready for him to make the announcement: one that would change humanity.

He was not yet used to the increased sensitivity to light and sound, the endless knowledge, or the frequent migraines and muscle aches that were to be expected, but still crippling. Continue Reading

Officials with the Tatooine Department of Wildlife announced today that the long imperiled womp rat is believed to be extinct in the wild. At not much bigger than two meters, womp rat numbers declined steadily since human settlement, mostly due to habitat loss as native desert was converted to moisture farms.

But it was the local practice of “bulls-eyeing” that finally pushed the species over the brink. Continue Reading

Dear Dink,

Hacked Off

Dear Off,

You’ve been looking at porn again haven’t you? Shame shame shame on you. Porn is bad and that is God’s way of striking you down, ha ha.

Continue Reading

There’s a lot of magical thinking going on these days, especially in America… but what if I told you that there are some fairly natural, reasonably well understood mechanisms for just about everything that has brought life to where it is today?

Well that’s the world we live in. You won’t hear about it in church, it’s counter to their millenia-old Bedouin urban legends and fairy tales.

I spent 20-years in Bible study. I never learned one thing about science. Once doubt crept in, I spent about 10-hours straight on this novel little thing called “the internet” and I learned more about the Bible than I had in my whole life. Continue Reading

Sunsets are pretty, no two ways about it. You have to really stop and take them in. Watch the hues shift, take in the deep colors as they melt across the sky… but there’s more to it.

They’re red aren’t they? Awfully red. Why is that? You could argue it’s because God loves you and He knows what looks pleasing to you, or you could argue that it’s because you left your lights on, kept the coal-fired plant running longer, and now the environment is irreparably harmed.

Click on the image to see the cartoon full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

Arguably one of the greatest inventions of software is the oft-forgotten fellow named “Clippy”. You remember him, he would constantly interrupt you when you were trying to do something productive.

If you started a document with the word “dear”, that worthless bucket of crap would show up to try to give you some completely useless advice you didn’t want, couldn’t use, and couldn’t figure out how to get rid of.

But in 2013, I became a cartoonist. Not a good one, mind you, but it is what it is. And in my world, Clippy still has some use.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

Researchers at various humor think tanks and humor websites have been exhaustively searching for clues on how to adapt comic articles to our modern times.

With the increased dumbing down of the intellect imposed on the public by our schools, magazines and entertainment industry and the decreased attention span that comes with it, it has become increasingly difficult for the humor providers of this nation to give the masses their daily doses of ha-ha’s in a multi-paragraphed format that isn’t too strenuous for them. Continue Reading

Obviously rain showers for spring flowers whatever, I’m sure there’s an axiom in there, but why are the common yard scourge the Dandelion so dangerous, especially in Spring, and why am I asking this is such elusive ways?

Click on the image to see it in full resolution.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

.

.

.

We all learned the story of Johnny Appleseed as children, and for some reason we were taught that he was a great and noble man. He did charitable works, but that’s hardly the whole story.

As this comic points out, today he’d have quite a different name, as he travels the frontier-land planting non-native species of plants.

Click image to see the cartoon full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

ANDERSON – A violent tornado that ripped through the heartland of America yesterday has left thousands of damaged homes looking slightly better than they did before the catastrophe.

A level-3 warning was issued on Monday ahead of projected storms and wind gusts across parts of Indiana, with the towns of New Castle, Anderson and Daleville benefiting most from the disaster. Continue Reading

OCEAN CITY – Family, relatives, and friends are in mourning after a man announced he does not give a damn about life, the universe, or anything.

Morgan Carlyle, 46, made the announcement as he left his job at Burger Blast on Saturday, and has since been cooped up in his apartment by city hall, where he is attempting to avoid speaking to the press.

Recorded audio of the fateful moment reveals Carlyle’s blunt message to the country. “The simple reality is, I just don’t give a damn anymore. Nothing is going to change that — not even ecstasy.” Continue Reading

A group of evolutionary naturalists, anthropologists, and biologists were injured yesterday in what police are officially calling “an unfortunate and unnecessary accident”.

According to eyewitnesses, hundreds of members of the Royal Society went on their daily tree-trimming expedition and somehow, during the course of their work, ended up on the ground in a most precipitous and unceremonious manner.

A few relativists, who had also been injured in an eerily similar situation last year, commented on the event. Continue Reading

Consumer circles are going wild over a new promotion being offered by PNC Bank to first-time clients who opt to open an account with the nationwide financial company.

Anyone who pays a non-refundable, $700 bank fee under the promotion is eligible to receive an Apple iPad, absolutely free of charge.

“What we are shooting for here is great value in every new customer’s experience with PNC Bank,” said Mark Maners, PNC’s chief marketing operative. Continue Reading

A long range missile shot by North Korea over Japan on Sunday turned out to be a giant tube filled with Mentos and Diet Pepsi.

The missile shot sent fear through the Asian nations that perceive North Korea as a wild card capable of anything.

Country leader Kim Il Un claimed that the missile merely sent a communications satellite into orbit, but most believe that it was really a test of their long range missile capabilities. Continue Reading