New York – In the refined New York home of Philip Glass, the great American minimalist pianist, we discussed the finer points of symphonic and chamber music over cheese and 10-year old Merlot wine.

Q: When you first began playing the piano, who were the composers that you found most influential?

A: I really enjoyed the compositions of my pet rock, Barney. I used to let him lay on the keyboard and play a single note for hours on end. It was an epiphany… Continue Reading

Worchester, MA – Esther Urville, manager at Norbert’s Garden Shop, too frazzled to brown bag her lunch this morning, ran to the local deli on her lunch hour. While placing her order, she was reminded, to her chagrin, of the election just passed.

“I wanted a roast beef sandwich, with pepperoni, black olives, onions, red peppers and three slices of swiss cheese without too many holes in them,” Mrs. Urville said. “When I ordered, they looked at me funny and said the only options were vegetarian or B.L.T. My first thought was how much it was like voting.” Continue Reading

Newport, KY – Local liberal Michael Benton walked to the middle school gymnasium, and was greeted with laughter and an occasional jeer.

He greeted his Republican friends, gave his ID to the snickering old ladies behind the folding table, and filled out the only ballot for Obama in the city. Continue Reading

GlossyNews.com – Exit polls show that while voters split about 50-50 on which candidate they preferr for president, 99.3% agreed that they also voted just to bring an end to the election season.

“Oh, totally,” Miranda Kelly said, “One more day of the ads and I would have been drowning puppies.”

“At this point, I don’t care who wins,” Tom Yerkle agreed, “This shit needs to end. I really don’t even remember who I voted for and I don’t care.” Continue Reading

GlossyNews.com – “Look, I tried,” God grumbled, “Picked the most populated part of the country, some of the most contentious states in the election and altered both of their campaign routes, but did they listen? Noooo.”

In a last, desperate attempt to create some political discussion on climate change, God sent Halloween hurricane Sandy, which made landfall a week before Election Day. It flooded states, stopped mass transit systems, and at least 4 people didn’t get their mail on Monday. Continue Reading

GlossyNews.com – Dayton, OH – Bill Jameon, local accountant and political apathetic, cast his vote today without knowing who the candidates were or what they stood for.

“I really just went by the sounds of their names,” Jameon admitted with a smile, “Obama just sounds cooler than Romney so I put a check next to that one.” Continue Reading

GlossyNews.com – Washington D.C. – Today, insiders and employees at CNN News Headquarters revealed what’s really behind the incessant coverage that will make chronic channel surfers cry this Tuesday. And it’s not about democracy or nipple slips.

“Basically, we have a rager in the studio once every four years,” CNN reporter Andrea Witherspoon admitted, “That big board of states that turn red or blue and everyone points at on TV? Yeah, it’s not about people voting. It’s much too rock & roll for that.” Continue Reading

I recently had the great fortune to talk to Guy Fortescue, head of the NRA chapter in Lexington, Kentucky, about the Second Amendment and what he’d previously described to me as the “integral American liberty to carry guns.” What follows is a transcription of our meeting, where we discussed why carrying guns would’ve prevented the theater shooting in Colorado. Continue Reading

“How am I supposed to tell my kids?” Ralph Gorman wondered as he watched stretchers bearing dead superheroes out of the movie theater. “It’s like Santa just fell off his sleigh into the Pacific.”

A lone gunman opened fire with assault weapons in a crowded theater at the opening of The Dark Knight Rises just after midnight on Friday, killing 12 and injuring 58 others. Among the casualties, however, were an assortment of both superheroes and villains that has puzzled police and raised questions about the integrity of these crime fighters. Continue Reading

“It was weird,” Hector Santiago, a thug for a Mexican drug cartel, said through a translator, “I could tell something just happened – something more important – because suddenly I knew I couldn’t kill this police officer; it would make news headlines and I knew that, for some weird reason, I just couldn’t do that.” Continue Reading

DENVER, Colorado – “There is more than one God,” Tim Tebow said in awe after watching Peyton Manning complete yet another pass in practice. “There’s just no other explanation.”

The Broncos’ ex-quarterback, known less for his passing skills than for his prayer timeouts and his genuflections after any positive gain on offense, stood in astonishment as he watched the 4-time MVP award winner take his job away with casual throws to members of the practice squad. “God is not almighty,” Tebow explained, “He’s got nothing on Manning when They’re on the football field.” Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES, California – A police manhunt is underway in Los Angeles after a man was fatally shot during the 29^th annual Mime Convention in the city convention center. Reports say that the shooting happened during the Convention’s final performance, after the victim allegedly had a loud coughing fit.

In a press conference outside of the Los Angeles Convention Center, police sergeant Betsy Smith summarized the crime. Continue Reading

The peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s the staple of grade school students. The standby for financially-strapped college students. The sign that a husband has done something wrong when he opens the brown-bagged lunch his wife made him that morning.

It’s also the focus of David Valin’s research for the past 4 years, which he’ll finally unveil in a new book called The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread, and What’s Usually Between It. Continue Reading

EDITOR’S NOTE: ARTICLE WRITTEN BEFORE AGREEMENT WAS REACHED – After recent discussions in Congress over John Boehner and Harry Reid’s plans to solve the debt ceiling crisis dissolved into gavel smashing and cross-aisle spitting, political analysts have predicted that the fate of the country’s credit rating might boil down to petty children’s games like Shoots and Ladders, Candy Land, or a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament. Continue Reading

Today, the front office of the Pittsburgh Pirates made a formal apology to Major League Baseball and all of its fans for having such a successful 2011 season so far.

“We’re ashamed to say that, this year, we haven’t done a good job sticking to our reputation of finishing in last place in the division,” manager Clint Hurdle said in a press conference. Continue Reading