Schumer-Ception: Senator Incepts Idea to Shut Down Government in the President

“I must not use these powers for the forces of evil,” Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) told aides after emerging from the Oval Office after a confrontational meeting with the President. He fist bumped the intern that told him to watch the movie Inception and turned to Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) as the crowds of cameras rushed past them.

“I can’t believe I just got him to take responsibility for shutting down the government.”

The ploy has been weeks in development. Ever since stumbling into a conversation among his interns about the best movies in the past few years and learning about the plot of Inception, Senator Schumer has pondered the idea of trying it on President Trump.

Hailey Harris, one of the interns, recalled the conversation that started it all. Read more Schumer-Ception: Senator Incepts Idea to Shut Down Government in the President


Republicans Outperform in Midterms, Russian Hackers Escape Blame

Kiev, Ukraine – Comparing the results to what pollsters had predicted in the lead up to Election Day, politicans and journalists have generally concluded that, with few exceptions, Republicans outperformed expectations by several percentage points. Read more Republicans Outperform in Midterms, Russian Hackers Escape Blame


Lebron James Arrives, to the Dismay of Teammates Who Wanted to Shoot

The arrival of Lebron James on the Los Angeles Lakers has not thrilled everyone. After years of dealing with Kobe Bryant taking every shot on offense, now the other players on the Lakers have to cope with the fact that Lebron will be taking all of the shots for the next four years.

“We were so close,” shooting guard Kentavious Caldwell-Pope said, watching Labron James shooting free throws during the pre-game warm up for the season opener against the Portland Trail Blazers. “I was looking forward to finally getting the chance to shoot the ball.”

“Now it’s just going to be pass, pass, pass,” Lonzo Ball agreed. “The only difference is we’re going to get pressured to give it to Lebron, rather than Kobe.” Read more Lebron James Arrives, to the Dismay of Teammates Who Wanted to Shoot


Extremist Group Exercises its Freedom of Religion on NAACP Building

A Montana neo-Nazi extremist organization, The Color White, Inc., claimed responsibility earlier today for the recent bombing of a building in Colorado Springs, owned by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP).

The building, including the part rented to the popular barbershop Mr. G’s Hair Design Studios, suffered minor damage when a grenade detonated next to a portable kerosene tank, which did not explode during the attack. Read more Extremist Group Exercises its Freedom of Religion on NAACP Building


Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable

Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table.

“He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be another ‘late night at the office,’” she said. “I admit I was getting more than a little suspicious, and thought that I’d finally find out what was going on.”

“Nothing was going on,” Todd said with a sheepish grin and a shrug. “Things had just been tight at the office since Bob retired and no one had been hired to replace him.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time, so when he came home, I kind of got carried away and started yelling.”

Todd nodded. “That was about when I said, ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition,’ and then –”

Suddenly, the door behind me burst open and three men in red jumped in from the kitchen. The leader lurched forward, a gold cross dangling from the chain around his neck, and bellowed, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

Taken aback, I glanced at Todd and Karen.

“Just like that,” Karen told me, pointing at the newcomers.

“Our 18 chief weapons are…”

“Ooh, 18 this time!” Todd exclaimed, shifting in his seat, clearly eager to hear the rest.

“Are…” the leader started, “Amongst… Our 18… chief, but not all inclusive, weaponry are: Fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and a ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wealthy friends, oil for the chains, these nice red uniforms – really, feel them, aren’t they soft?”

They were, indeed, quite soft. Almost velvet, and yet with a sheen of silk. Both Todd and Karen gave satisfied nods before the leader stepped back to continue.

“Right. Spears and nun chucks, nun chucks and spears, a hand grenade or two, no three, comfy chairs, an iTunes gift card, politicians friendly to the cause, a philosophy degree, these cool hats, a turbo-charged VW Beetle, a stretching rack, baseball bats, and a defunct partridge in a pear tree… Are…”

One of the leader’s compatriots tapped him on the shoulder, holding up four fingers. One of the things he whispered in the leader’s ear was the word “nineteen.”

“Amongst…” the leader shouted at us before turning to the other and hurriedly whispering, “are you sure?”

The three of them clustered into a huddle back by the china cabinet. From what we could hear, the leader seemed to think that “spears and nun chucks” were only one item. The others seemed to be in disagreement. Todd watched on in rapt attention to their antics. Karen was pleasantly bemused.

With a sudden flourish, the three of them jumped from their huddle and back into our midst. The leader stepped forward, took a great, long, prominent inhale, then shouted “We’ll come again!” and they all flew back out the door.

“Well,” Todd said, then added, “there you have it.”

“And if you say ‘I wasn’t expecting…’”

“Yep,” he cut me off. “They’ll come bounding back in. It’s happened every time since that first time last Tuesday.”

“It’s quite fun to do, sometimes,” Karen stated.


31% Chance that Miley Cyrus Will Develop Frostbite During New Year’s Performance

New York, NY – Pop icon and cultural wrecking ball Miley Cyrus is scheduled to headline the festivities in Times Square, performing just before the ball drops to start the New Year. According to forecasters, the weather at midnight should be about 26 degrees Fahrenheit, with 12 mph winds, putting the wind chill in the low teens. While frostbite does not typically begin to set in until the wind chill has dropped down to -20, the charts were made by doctors who assumed that people would be wearing clothes. If the past year of Miley Cyrus’ life has suggested anything, it’s that this is a bold assumption.

In an official statement, ABC stated that “[p]aramedics will be standing by with buckets of warm water and new clothes for Ms. Cyrus” if frostbite should begin to set in during or after her set. The statement did not disclose where Ms. Cyrus’ old clothes will be at that time, hinting at the nature of her performance.

“As if it’s possible for her to do a show and not strip down,” 24-year-old single male and typical Miley fan Seth Hanes said, adding that, if she didn’t, he’d ask for his money back.

“I’d use her tits to hang up my coat,” another fan told us, with a wink and an “if you know what I mean.”

“Of course she’s going to have exposed skin,” Rolling Stone reporter Biz Jenkins scoffed, “Really, the only question is what part of her starts going blue.”

Reports of numerous betting pools on this exact topic have been confirmed, with wagers on which part of Miley’s skin would turn color the quickest. The current 3 to 1 favorite is her tongue.


Local Parents Counting the Seconds Until Holidays End

Worchester, MA – The Henderson parents have had it.

“I never thought I’d say it, but it was easier when they were all in high school,” Richard, 49 year-old father and certified accountant, said.

His wife Tabatha agreed, and admitted to having had a migraine since late Friday, mere hours after son Jerry arrived at the airport from Florida and daughter Jenny was dropped off by friends from her first semester of college.

“They’ve both grown so much since leaving for school,” she said, “And in such opposite directions. They just can’t seem to get along with each other, anymore.”

“Or us,” Richard added, alluding to the concerned calls from the neighbors soon after the traditional Christmas Eve game of Old Maid crumbled into arguing over who, exactly, really deserved the title card.

Tension, if possible, managed to escalate on Christmas morning when presents began getting unwrapped and an undisclosed someone made the mistake of not scraping the price sticker off a gift.

“That’s when the shit really hit the fan,” Richard nodded.

“Chocolate, dear,” Tabatha corrected him, with a gentle pat on his knee and a heavy sigh. “Really good chocolate.”

The presence of other family members for most of the day seemed to dissipate the animosity, as everyone put on the “nice and loving family” act, but after dinner the company left and things returned to the new, hellish normal.

“I begged Aunt Judy and Mike not to leave,” Tabatha admitted.

Now the two parents are counting down the hours before their dear and dreaded children go back to school for spring semester. Their travel bags have been filled and left in conspicuously well-traveled areas of the house, as a constant reminder that the time is ticking down. Both parents have even memorized return itineraries, going so far as to alter Jenny’s to get her back as soon as the dorms open again.

“Just last month, we were saying we weren’t going to pay to send them away for spring break,” Richard stated, “We changed that, last night.”


An Interview With Philip Glass During the Apocalypse

New York – In the refined New York home of Philip Glass, the great American minimalist pianist, we discussed the finer points of symphonic and chamber music over cheese and 10-year old Merlot wine.

Q: When you first began playing the piano, who were the composers that you found most influential?

A: I really enjoyed the compositions of my pet rock, Barney. I used to let him lay on the keyboard and play a single note for hours on end. It was an epiphany… Read more An Interview With Philip Glass During the Apocalypse


Local Woman Orders at Deli, Is Reminded of Election

Worchester, MA – Esther Urville, manager at Norbert’s Garden Shop, too frazzled to brown bag her lunch this morning, ran to the local deli on her lunch hour. While placing her order, she was reminded, to her chagrin, of the election just passed.

“I wanted a roast beef sandwich, with pepperoni, black olives, onions, red peppers and three slices of swiss cheese without too many holes in them,” Mrs. Urville said. “When I ordered, they looked at me funny and said the only options were vegetarian or B.L.T. My first thought was how much it was like voting.” Read more Local Woman Orders at Deli, Is Reminded of Election


Americans Flock to Polls Desperate to End Election Season – Exit polls show that while voters split about 50-50 on which candidate they preferr for president, 99.3% agreed that they also voted just to bring an end to the election season.

“Oh, totally,” Miranda Kelly said, “One more day of the ads and I would have been drowning puppies.”

“At this point, I don’t care who wins,” Tom Yerkle agreed, “This shit needs to end. I really don’t even remember who I voted for and I don’t care.” Read more Americans Flock to Polls Desperate to End Election Season


Candidates Politicize God’s Subtle Climate Change “Reminder” – “Look, I tried,” God grumbled, “Picked the most populated part of the country, some of the most contentious states in the election and altered both of their campaign routes, but did they listen? Noooo.”

In a last, desperate attempt to create some political discussion on climate change, God sent Halloween hurricane Sandy, which made landfall a week before Election Day. It flooded states, stopped mass transit systems, and at least 4 people didn’t get their mail on Monday. Read more Candidates Politicize God’s Subtle Climate Change “Reminder”


Local Man Doesn’t Know Candidates, Votes Anyway – Dayton, OH – Bill Jameon, local accountant and political apathetic, cast his vote today without knowing who the candidates were or what they stood for.

“I really just went by the sounds of their names,” Jameon admitted with a smile, “Obama just sounds cooler than Romney so I put a check next to that one.” Read more Local Man Doesn’t Know Candidates, Votes Anyway


Election Analysts Admit It’s Just Pin the Tail on the Donkey – Washington D.C. – Today, insiders and employees at CNN News Headquarters revealed what’s really behind the incessant coverage that will make chronic channel surfers cry this Tuesday. And it’s not about democracy or nipple slips.

“Basically, we have a rager in the studio once every four years,” CNN reporter Andrea Witherspoon admitted, “That big board of states that turn red or blue and everyone points at on TV? Yeah, it’s not about people voting. It’s much too rock & roll for that.” Read more Election Analysts Admit It’s Just Pin the Tail on the Donkey


Gun Enthusiasts Enthusiastic Following Theater Shooting

I recently had the great fortune to talk to Guy Fortescue, head of the NRA chapter in Lexington, Kentucky, about the Second Amendment and what he’d previously described to me as the “integral American liberty to carry guns.” What follows is a transcription of our meeting, where we discussed why carrying guns would’ve prevented the theater shooting in Colorado. Read more Gun Enthusiasts Enthusiastic Following Theater Shooting