EPA Report: ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

WASHINGTON – In an alarming press conference delivered this afternoon, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy announced that the ALS “Ice Bucket Challenge,” which has, since June 30th, gone viral on social media websites like Facebook and Twitter, is estimated to be responsible for at least a 34% reduction in the mass of arctic sea ice.

McCarthy explained that environmental researchers at the National Snow and Ice Data Center were, “quite confident,” that the challenge, intended to raise money for The Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis Association, a condition commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, was directly causing the polar ice caps to shrink.

“The data is very clear,” said the EPA director, “as is the logic. I mean, people must understand that dumping a bucket of ice on yourself may seem harmless, but the reality is that ice has to come from somewhere, and too often that ‘somewhere’ is the polar ice caps.”

McCarthy, who has not been nominated herself for the challenge, further explained that, “Too many people are being nominated for the challenge than our environment can handle. Further, too few are choosing to donate $100 instead of choosing the ice bucket option, which would have potentially offset some of the damage. The result has been disastrous.”

When questioned as to what could be possibly done to slow the marked loss of arctic ice, the Obama-appointed administrator offered few solutions.

“The indisputable necessity to complete the challenge within 24 hours of being nominated on social media has no obvious workaround. Thus, considering the imminent and vicious environmental effects of polar ice cap shrinkage, if our country does not reduce overall ice bucket dumpage by increasing the percentage of those donating $100, humanity will be in grave danger.”

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