Categorized | Environment, Science

Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers

Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers

70 Million years ago in modern day Orlando, Florida – It is a warm, sunny afternoon during the Cretaceous Era as Breadsterastyx, a close relative of Triceratops, feasts on a large garden filled with ferns and wildflowers, while closely watching one of its offspring grazing peacefully.

Suddenly, from behind the trees comes a towering Tyrannosaurus Rex seeking a substantial meal to satisfy its insatiable hunger.

Seeing the much smaller and buttery, Breadsterastyx, the ravenous predator immediately begins chomping down on the firm, but soft, garlicky animal with its razor-sharp teeth, receiving instant gratification.

This was the beginning of the end for the tasty dinosaur, which the once popular restaurant chain, Olive Garden, began analyzing last week to gain insight as to why the delectable creature met its demise.

“What you have here is an animal that once flourished and over-satisfied the hunger of its predators,” said Finnish Archaeologist, Heinrich Heimichschloppen, who has been studying dinosaurs of the Cretaceous Era for 20 years.

“When comparing this fact to the current crisis facing Olive Garden, we see an almost identical situation where the delicious and always buttery breadsticks offered with soup or salad and complimentary with the order of any entrée can be blamed for creating greedy customers who only want to devour these items with brutal force, rendering the once prominent restaurant chain completely helpless,” added Heimichschloppen.

Employees of the near defunct chain have been feeling the pressure of earth’s natural selection process, fearing the drastic effects that the extinction could have on the environment.

“Obviously we are doing everything that we can,” said Lead Breadstick Engineer, Justin Rodier, who recently began studying dinosaur behavior alongside Actor Samuel L. Jackson to try and pinpoint a solution.

“We tried yelling at the customers at the top of our lungs to try and scare them away from the breadsticks, but that didn’t work, so now we are back at square one. All I can say is Breadsterastyx was once the most prevalent dinosaur in the area and like them, Olive Garden will not go down without a fight!” Added Rodier.

Darden Restaurants, Inc., the owner of the Olive Garden chain is quickly running out of options as it continues to watch location after location collapse to the ground, leaving behind only fossilized lasagnas and endless salad bowls to one day be uncovered by euphoric historians.

Researchers have recently found an intact Breadsterastyx containing trace amounts of skin and blood and are attempting to clone the prehistoric animal in an effort to reformulate breadsticks with less flavor in hope of saving this once flourishing restaurant before it succumbs to extinction.

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This post was written by

- who has written 34 posts on GlossyNews.com.

In the history of mannkind, there have only been a handful of individuals with the talent to take genuine news and completely warp it into something that will convince an audience to believe the unbelievable. FreeMann is one of those select few. A proud contributor of GlossyNews.com, he has been writing comedy, satire and parody for more than 10 years and is credited with writing the screenplays "Bar Critics," "Breadsterastyx," "Breadsterafish" and "Breadsterastorm." For all of his GlossyNews.com articles and additional work, please visit It's a Cat, Just So You Know, Entertainment at www.itsacatjustsoyouknow.com

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24 Responses to “Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers”

  1. FreeMann says:

    [Chanting] Brian! Brian! Brian! – Thank you for posting

  2. FreeMann says:

    Every breadstick article I write is for Justin Rodier out of the Willow Grove, Pennsylvania location.

  3. deeptrout says:

    I still don’t understand the breadstick thingy. I even googled it.

  4. FreeMann says:

    It’s all an inside joke. My friend and I always throw breadstick in our conversations to piss him off.

  5. Mad Max says:

    And that inside joke is designed to amuse everyone else how?

  6. FreeMann says:

    Comedy (from the Greek: κωμῳδία, kōmōidía), in the contemporary meaning of the term, is any discourse or work generally intended to be humorous or to amuse by inducing laughter.

  7. Rev John says:

    Koan: kōan (公案?)/ˈkoʊ.ɑːn/; Chinese: A story, dialogue, question, or statement, which is used in Zen-practice to provoke the “great doubt”, and test a student’s progress.

    So what is the sound of one person laughing?

  8. Mad Mad says:

    I didn’t intend to get all zen Rev. Just figured out why I didn ‘t get the joke. At Olive Garden you’re all family. So u get the humor.

  9. Deep trout says:

    Confucious say, man who make himself laugh have audience of one.

  10. Deep trout says:

    Confucius.

  11. FreeMann says:

    Let me know when you guys post something funny and I’ll check it out

  12. Deep trout says:

    I don’t know, I think my WMD article was kinda funny.

  13. Deep trout says:

    FWIW, I thought the pic was funny…

  14. FreeMann says:

    Lol I’m just playing. I liked your Seth Rogen one. I’m from the East coast. Olive Gardens are everywhere here.

  15. Deep trout says:

    Olive Gardens are everywhere here…breadsticks still aren’t funny…yet.

  16. Deep trout says:

    BTW, who did the pic

  17. Melissa Derr says:

    While I was oblivious to the inside joke, I still found quiet humor and great cleverness to the article. Just yesterday I personally witnessed a new Olive Garden location going up and my tummy started growling and my mouth started salivating all for want of those tasty breadsticks. Well done, FreeMan, well done.

  18. Deep trout says:

    Agreed. The opening of a new Olive Garden is a hilarious joke.

  19. Deep trout says:

    But we’re still waiting for the inside joke so we can all laugh along with Free and his butt buddy in Willow Grove.

    No offense…

  20. Deep trout says:

    That one may have been over the line. Waiting for onsite ruling…

  21. Deep trout says:

    I don’t think I’m being out of line here. Many have been patiently waiting days for Free to explain the breadstix thingy.

    We devoted several minutes of our life to reading his article. We deserve some closure.

  22. FreeMann says:

    ********, your articles are ********.

    EDITOR’S NOTE: Dude, come on. Be constructive. Articles come down to reader taste. Maybe he’s not your thing. I can name whole genres of films that I consider horrible, but I don’t personally contact the producers to tell them so.

  23. deeptrout says:

    Maybe you could give me a few tips…

  24. Die Fiedermaus says:

    And this is where it started to go bad

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