Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers

70 Million years ago in modern day Orlando, Florida – It is a warm, sunny afternoon during the Cretaceous Era as Breadsterastyx, a close relative of Triceratops, feasts on a large garden filled with ferns and wildflowers, while closely watching one of its offspring grazing peacefully.

Suddenly, from behind the trees comes a towering Tyrannosaurus Rex seeking a substantial meal to satisfy its insatiable hunger.

Seeing the much smaller and buttery, Breadsterastyx, the ravenous predator immediately begins chomping down on the firm, but soft, garlicky animal with its razor-sharp teeth, receiving instant gratification.

This was the beginning of the end for the tasty dinosaur, which the once popular restaurant chain, Olive Garden, began analyzing last week to gain insight as to why the delectable creature met its demise.

“What you have here is an animal that once flourished and over-satisfied the hunger of its predators,” said Finnish Archaeologist, Heinrich Heimichschloppen, who has been studying dinosaurs of the Cretaceous Era for 20 years.

“When comparing this fact to the current crisis facing Olive Garden, we see an almost identical situation where the delicious and always buttery breadsticks offered with soup or salad and complimentary with the order of any entrée can be blamed for creating greedy customers who only want to devour these items with brutal force, rendering the once prominent restaurant chain completely helpless,” added Heimichschloppen.

Employees of the near defunct chain have been feeling the pressure of earth’s natural selection process, fearing the drastic effects that the extinction could have on the environment.

“Obviously we are doing everything that we can,” said Lead Breadstick Engineer, Justin Rodier, who recently began studying dinosaur behavior alongside Actor Samuel L. Jackson to try and pinpoint a solution.

“We tried yelling at the customers at the top of our lungs to try and scare them away from the breadsticks, but that didn’t work, so now we are back at square one. All I can say is Breadsterastyx was once the most prevalent dinosaur in the area and like them, Olive Garden will not go down without a fight!” Added Rodier.

Darden Restaurants, Inc., the owner of the Olive Garden chain is quickly running out of options as it continues to watch location after location collapse to the ground, leaving behind only fossilized lasagnas and endless salad bowls to one day be uncovered by euphoric historians.

Researchers have recently found an intact Breadsterastyx containing trace amounts of skin and blood and are attempting to clone the prehistoric animal in an effort to reformulate breadsticks with less flavor in hope of saving this once flourishing restaurant before it succumbs to extinction.

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24 comments on “Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers

  1. Comedy (from the Greek: κωμῳδία, kōmōidía), in the contemporary meaning of the term, is any discourse or work generally intended to be humorous or to amuse by inducing laughter.

  2. Koan: kōan (公案?)/ˈkoʊ.ɑːn/; Chinese: A story, dialogue, question, or statement, which is used in Zen-practice to provoke the “great doubt”, and test a student’s progress.

    So what is the sound of one person laughing?

  3. I didn’t intend to get all zen Rev. Just figured out why I didn ‘t get the joke. At Olive Garden you’re all family. So u get the humor.

  4. While I was oblivious to the inside joke, I still found quiet humor and great cleverness to the article. Just yesterday I personally witnessed a new Olive Garden location going up and my tummy started growling and my mouth started salivating all for want of those tasty breadsticks. Well done, FreeMan, well done.

  5. But we’re still waiting for the inside joke so we can all laugh along with Free and his butt buddy in Willow Grove.

    No offense…

  6. I don’t think I’m being out of line here. Many have been patiently waiting days for Free to explain the breadstix thingy.

    We devoted several minutes of our life to reading his article. We deserve some closure.

  7. ********, your articles are ********.

    EDITOR’S NOTE: Dude, come on. Be constructive. Articles come down to reader taste. Maybe he’s not your thing. I can name whole genres of films that I consider horrible, but I don’t personally contact the producers to tell them so.

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