Posted in Politics

Thad “Cochroach” Cochran Now Considered Lowest Form of Politician

Jackson, MS – It now appears that Republican Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran cheated and used the lowest of political tactics in his recent Republican primary to hang onto his political power at all costs. Fellow republicans now refer to Thadeus…

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Posted in Biz News

Angry Liberals Vow to Open New Chain of Stores Called ‘Snobby Lobby’

Boston – Liberals are seething over the Supreme Court decision which allows Hobby Lobby to not have to offer certain birth control products which they believe induce abortions and which violate their religious beliefs. Hateful people took to twitter after…

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Posted in Entertainment

Nancy Pelosi to Reprise Role in Sequel to Brazil Movie

Hollywood – Nancy Pelosi has agreed to appear in the sequel to the 1985 movie, Brazil. The trippy movie based on George Orwell’s book, 1984, is scheduled to be released in late 2015. Pelosi appeared in the original film to…

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Posted in Human Interest

Golden Gate Bridge “Suicide Net System” to Attract Acrobats From Around the Globe

San Francisco – The city council has approved spending tens of millions of dollars to construct a system of safety nets under the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to thwart future suicide attempts which have plagued the landmark for…

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Posted in Politics

Feds Open No-Kill Shelter for Immigrants on Texas/Mexico Border

Laredo, TX – The federal government has opened a new no-kill shelter in this border town to help find homes for thousands of new illegal immigrants who continue flooding into the country. In the past, if an illegal alien sneaked…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

“My Hard Drive Crashed” In as Most Used Excuse, “Dog Ate my Homework” Out

Rio Linda, CA – People have excuses for everything. For years, kids have notoriously used the well-known excuse, “My dog ate my homework”, when wanting to excuse why they didn’t do their homework.

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Posted in Politics

IRS Commissioner Gollum Gets Grilled by Congress About His Precious Agency

Washington D.C. – This week has not been kind to Gollum and his “precious” agency, the Internal Revenge Service, as the creature has been on the hot seat having to answer for the mysterious disappearance of Lois Lerner’s relevant emails.

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Posted in Politics

After Dismal Sales, Publisher Recommends Other Uses For Hillary Clinton Book

New York City – Publishing giant Simon & Schuster, desperate to find a way to turn a profit on Hillary Clinton’s new book “Hard Choices”, has come out with other possible uses for the book. The company hopes to entice…

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Posted in Sports

Hope Solo, US Women’s Soccer Goalie, Can’t Stop Slapping Things Down

Seattle – Hope Solo, the hot goalie and star of the Team USA Soccer team, is used to swatting things away. Everything from soccer balls to guys constantly hitting on her. But now it looks like the beauty might be…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” Arrested for Fighting at Tanning Salon

Middletown, NJ – Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who gained notoriety on MTV’s classy show Jersey Shore, was arrested for fighting with his own brother at a local tanning salon that the pair own together. Apparently, the double douchebags came to…

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Posted in World News

The ‘Avengers’ Called Upon to Battle Militant Extremists in Iraq

United Nations – The United Nations has formally asked the ‘Avengers’ to step in and quell the current wave of violence in Iraq that is being waged by the extremist terror group known as ISIS. As the terrorist savages closed…

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Posted in Politics

CNN Knows What Happened to Missing Emails From Lois Lerner

Atlanta – CNN president, Jeff Zucker, has leaked information that shows the network is aware of what happened to two years of missing emails between embattled IRS operative, Lois Lerner, and various people in government, including the White House.

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Posted in Politics

Jay Carney Addresses Sex Change Transformation Rumors

Washington – Outgoing 16 year-old White House press secretary, Jay Carney, has finally admitted his secret sex change transformation from a man to a woman is well underway and that hormone replacement therapy is ongoing. Carney, who originally had planned…

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Posted in Politics

Hillary Clinton Reveals She Was Original Member of “The Beverly Hillbillies”

New York City – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came out of the poor house long enough today, on her current book tour, to confess to the world how hard her life has been. She and former President Clinton…

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Posted in Politics

President Obama Orchestrates Worst Trade in History of Trades

Washington, D.C. – Most people consider the Boston Red Sox trade of future baseball god Babe Ruth for a cash loan to finance the No, No, Nanette musical to be the worst trade of all time. But No, No, Nanette,…

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Posted in Politics

Door Hits Jay Carney 55 Times on the Way Out

Washington, D.C. – 16 year-old former White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, is in the hospital for observation after being beaten up by a door as he left the press briefing room after announcing his resignation. Carney, who now plans…

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Posted in Entertainment

Gwyneth Paltrow Fitted for Muzzle, Treated for Diarrhea of the Mouth

Los Angeles, CA – Some people don’t know when to shut up. Such is the case with actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Her mouth has gotten her in hot water with critics again and, this time, drastic measures have been taken to…

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Posted in Serious Commentary

Santa Barbara Killer’s Motive Baffles Eggheads, Know-It-All Professors

Santa Barbara, CA – As the country tries to make sense of the recent tragedy in California, the nation’s elite are always quick to point out the answers to those of us who aren’t nearly as smart as they are….

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Posted in Entertainment Music

Former MTV Host Arrested For Breaking Into Sirius/XM Headquarters

New York City – Mark Goodman, a former VJ from the 1980’s heyday of MTV, was hauled away in handcuffs last week after being caught hitting the button that turns all Sirius/XM radios on, regardless of whether the customer has…

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Posted in Crime

California Considers Move to Ban ‘Blonde Sluts’ After Man Goes on Rampage Because He Never Got Any

Isla Vista, CA – A delusional, 22 year-old man went on a premeditated killing spree Friday night in an attempt to get “retribution”, as he stated it, for the slight he felt humanity had given him. His hatred focused on…

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