Thad “Cochroach” Cochran Now Considered Lowest Form of Politician

Jackson, MS – It now appears that Republican Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran cheated and used the lowest of political tactics in his recent Republican primary to hang onto his political power at all costs.

Fellow republicans now refer to Thadeus as “Cochroach” Cochran after the campaign his team led against his republican challenger, which lead to a very narrow victory for the politician. Read more Thad “Cochroach” Cochran Now Considered Lowest Form of Politician

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Angry Liberals Vow to Open New Chain of Stores Called ‘Snobby Lobby’

Boston – Liberals are seething over the Supreme Court decision which allows Hobby Lobby to not have to offer certain birth control products which they believe induce abortions and which violate their religious beliefs.

Hateful people took to twitter after the decision was announced and threatened to “burn down Hobby Lobby stores across the country.” Read more Angry Liberals Vow to Open New Chain of Stores Called ‘Snobby Lobby’

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Nancy Pelosi to Reprise Role in Sequel to Brazil Movie

Hollywood – Nancy Pelosi has agreed to appear in the sequel to the 1985 movie, Brazil. The trippy movie based on George Orwell’s book, 1984, is scheduled to be released in late 2015.

Pelosi appeared in the original film to play Mrs. Ida Lowry whose most famous scene shows the woman’s face being stretched like Silly Putty.

The casting is a coup for the studio because of the untold thousands of dollars they will save on makeup, labor and special effects for Pelosi’s character. Read more Nancy Pelosi to Reprise Role in Sequel to Brazil Movie

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Golden Gate Bridge “Suicide Net System” to Attract Acrobats From Around the Globe

San Francisco – The city council has approved spending tens of millions of dollars to construct a system of safety nets under the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to thwart future suicide attempts which have plagued the landmark for decades. Read more Golden Gate Bridge “Suicide Net System” to Attract Acrobats From Around the Globe

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Feds Open No-Kill Shelter for Immigrants on Texas/Mexico Border

Laredo, TX – The federal government has opened a new no-kill shelter in this border town to help find homes for thousands of new illegal immigrants who continue flooding into the country.

In the past, if an illegal alien sneaked across our border and was captured by the US Border Patrol, they were either tagged and released or held for three days before being euthanized if a suitable home could not be found for them. Read more Feds Open No-Kill Shelter for Immigrants on Texas/Mexico Border

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After Dismal Sales, Publisher Recommends Other Uses For Hillary Clinton Book

New York City – Publishing giant Simon & Schuster, desperate to find a way to turn a profit on Hillary Clinton’s new book “Hard Choices”, has come out with other possible uses for the book.

The company hopes to entice some who don’t intend to read the book to purchase it anyway. Read more After Dismal Sales, Publisher Recommends Other Uses For Hillary Clinton Book

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Hope Solo, US Women’s Soccer Goalie, Can’t Stop Slapping Things Down

Seattle – Hope Solo, the hot goalie and star of the Team USA Soccer team, is used to swatting things away. Everything from soccer balls to guys constantly hitting on her.

But now it looks like the beauty might be taking her work home with her. The goalie was arrested this week for beating her sister and nephew after an incident at a party in her home got out of control. Read more Hope Solo, US Women’s Soccer Goalie, Can’t Stop Slapping Things Down

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Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” Arrested for Fighting at Tanning Salon

Middletown, NJ – Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who gained notoriety on MTV’s classy show Jersey Shore, was arrested for fighting with his own brother at a local tanning salon that the pair own together.

Apparently, the double douchebags came to blows over a disagreement about which was better for business: Spray tans or the traditional tanning beds. Read more Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” Arrested for Fighting at Tanning Salon

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The ‘Avengers’ Called Upon to Battle Militant Extremists in Iraq

United Nations – The United Nations has formally asked the ‘Avengers’ to step in and quell the current wave of violence in Iraq that is being waged by the extremist terror group known as ISIS.

As the terrorist savages closed in on Baghdad, the world’s leaders unanimously threw their hands in the air and admitted they were powerless to stop the heathens and their thirst for blood in the region.
Read more The ‘Avengers’ Called Upon to Battle Militant Extremists in Iraq

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Jay Carney Addresses Sex Change Transformation Rumors

Washington – Outgoing 16 year-old White House press secretary, Jay Carney, has finally admitted his secret sex change transformation from a man to a woman is well underway and that hormone replacement therapy is ongoing.

Carney, who originally had planned to finish high school after leaving the White House, put to rest rumors that he had been living a double life for quite some time. Read more Jay Carney Addresses Sex Change Transformation Rumors

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Hillary Clinton Reveals She Was Original Member of “The Beverly Hillbillies”

New York City – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton came out of the poor house long enough today, on her current book tour, to confess to the world how hard her life has been. She and former President Clinton were “dead broke.”

Clinton, speaking to Diane Sawyer, revealed for the first time that she and Bill were both members of the real family that The Beverly Hillbillies TV show was based on. Read more Hillary Clinton Reveals She Was Original Member of “The Beverly Hillbillies”

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President Obama Orchestrates Worst Trade in History of Trades

Washington, D.C. – Most people consider the Boston Red Sox trade of future baseball god Babe Ruth for a cash loan to finance the No, No, Nanette musical to be the worst trade of all time. But No, No, Nanette, we have a new winner.

Over the weekend, President Obama approved the trade of a captured war deserter who may have become radicalized by our enemy in exchange for five known, high-ranking terrorists so they can get back on the battlefield again. Read more President Obama Orchestrates Worst Trade in History of Trades

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Door Hits Jay Carney 55 Times on the Way Out

Washington, D.C. – 16 year-old former White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, is in the hospital for observation after being beaten up by a door as he left the press briefing room after announcing his resignation.

Carney, who now plans to finish high school and grow a moustache to try to make himself look older, was surprised by the ass-whoopin’ he suffered at the hands of the door, and was thoroughly embarrassed as the event unfolded in front of the laughing, White House press pool. Read more Door Hits Jay Carney 55 Times on the Way Out

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Santa Barbara Killer’s Motive Baffles Eggheads, Know-It-All Professors

Santa Barbara, CA – As the country tries to make sense of the recent tragedy in California, the nation’s elite are always quick to point out the answers to those of us who aren’t nearly as smart as they are.

Elliott Rodger killed six people last week in southern California before taking his own life. He left behind a book of a manifesto giving a glimpse inside his deranged mind. From this manifesto, many a pundit and professor has come forward with their typical knee-jerk reactions to what caused the crime in the first place. Read more Santa Barbara Killer’s Motive Baffles Eggheads, Know-It-All Professors

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