Saudi Woman Causes Nation’s First Ever Pile-Up

King Salman: “I told you this would happen”

A Saudi Arabian woman has created history in Riyadh today by causing her kingdom’s first ever peak-hour multi-vehicle accident. Mother of 3 Hamida Ghabbour blamed the accident on 1400 years without practice, and said she can’t wait until alcohol restrictions are lifted, so she can blame the booze instead. Read more Saudi Woman Causes Nation’s First Ever Pile-Up

Share

FDA Adds “Homicidal Rampage” Warning to Otherwise Perfectly Safe Drug

Washington DC: The Food and Drug Administration has announced an immediate black box warning will be placed on it’s controversial anti-malarial drug, Lariam, also known as Mefloquine, due to its tendency to make patients attempt murder, suicide, genocide and partake in other equally crazy and disturbing behavior after taking it. Read more FDA Adds “Homicidal Rampage” Warning to Otherwise Perfectly Safe Drug

Share

Bernanke Claims Quantity Not Quality Goal of New Stimulus Plan

In a shocking move this morning, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced yet another new plan to stimulate the US economy with what has been labelled ‘Quantative Easing Number Six Thousand Eight Hundred and Forty Seven.’

“Clearly the other six thousand eight hundred and forty six stimulus attempts have not had the desired effect of boosting the economy and increasing our employment rates,” remarked chairman Bernanke to a room full of unemployed journalists who’d run out of benefits and had nowhere else to be. Read more Bernanke Claims Quantity Not Quality Goal of New Stimulus Plan

Share

Osama Bin Laden Slips In Shower, Dies

Islamabad, I think it was last week – GlossyNews.com – After two decades of military operations spanning four continents, at a cost billions of dollars and thousands of U.S. and coalition lives, Al Qaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden died suddenly last week.

Sources in Pakistan say he was found slumped in his bathroom. Bin Laden’s physician, Dr Ibrahem Patel, said he was still in shock over the incident. “One minute he was with us. Read more Osama Bin Laden Slips In Shower, Dies

Share

Gaddafi Ceasefire Gesture: “My Guerillas Have Put Down Their Arms”

Tripoli Zoo, Tuesday: In a secret satellite conference last Tuesday, Libyan dictator Muhammar Gaddafi reportedly told NATO he had disarmed all of his Guerrillas and he “no longer wanted bloodlessness.”

“No word of a lie. What I say is true. I have taken away my gorillas arms and I want similarly unarmed peacekeepers to enter the Libyan capital of Tripoli as soon as humanly possible,” said Gaddafi, whose stronghold has until now remained impenetrable. Read more Gaddafi Ceasefire Gesture: “My Guerillas Have Put Down Their Arms”

Share

Mayans, Nostradamus Agree on Donald Trump Armageddon Scenario

Machu Picchu, dusk – GlossyNews.com: After ten seconds of reciprocal nodding over candlelight, Nostradamus and Mayan elders have announced they are in complete agreement with their Donald Trump apocalyptic destruction prophecies.

“I clearly mentioned that guy in the 3rd verse of the 4th Quatrain,” declared Nostradamus, whose only failed prediction was his own death in 1566. Read more Mayans, Nostradamus Agree on Donald Trump Armageddon Scenario

Share

Bono and Geldof ask Africa to save Ireland

Soweto: Irish pop stars Bob Geldof and U2’s Bono have announced their latest African tour for October of this year. The tour, aptly named “DebtAid” is set to raise funds and prevent famine in the recession-stricken Irish Republic.

“This time we’ve changed things slightly and decided to tour Africa in an effort to eradicate poverty in Ireland,” explained Bono, whose nation is sitting on a sovereign debt disaster, IMF loans totalling 85 billion Euro, Read more Bono and Geldof ask Africa to save Ireland

Share

Elizabeth Taylor: “Heaven Too Awkward”, After Running Into 5 Ex-Husbands

Modern day journalistic prophets have announced Elizabeth Taylor was in heaven for no more than five minutes before the first complaints rolled in this morning.

Taylor, famous for her feisty temper, charitable nature and a career spanning five decades with a total of eight marriages, claimed “heaven wasn’t meant to be this freaky. If God was the real deal he’d have sent some of these cheating jerks to meet Satan.” Read more Elizabeth Taylor: “Heaven Too Awkward”, After Running Into 5 Ex-Husbands

Share

Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

Washington 0500hrs: Creepy-looking founder of Wikileaks and alleged evil genius, Julian Assange, has officially been charged by prosecutors in Florida with molesting at least 26 political careers over the course of a single week last year.

The controversial figurehead and former computer hacker, currently under house arrest in England, claims the allegations are preposterous. “I did not assault these diplomats,” declared Assange, as he left court with his barrister, Geoffrey Robertson QC. Read more Wikileaks Founder Charged w/ Molesting Dozens of Political Careers

Share

“Unstoppable-Radioactive-Tsunami-Earthquake” Reports Initially Dismissed as Bizarre Charlie Sheen Quote

Tokyo, 730am. The global community was reeling in shock today after multiple disasters struck the Tohoku region of Japan in the North West Pacific Ocean. An earthquake followed by a tsunami, followed by a nuclear meltdown. As local Tohoku farmer Tonka Asahi put it, “We Nippon used to tsunami and earthcrake and radiation. But all thlee at once? Give us a blake!” Read more “Unstoppable-Radioactive-Tsunami-Earthquake” Reports Initially Dismissed as Bizarre Charlie Sheen Quote

Share