Bernanke Claims Quantity Not Quality Goal of New Stimulus Plan

In a shocking move this morning, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced yet another new plan to stimulate the US economy with what has been labelled ‘Quantative Easing Number Six Thousand Eight Hundred and Forty Seven.’

“Clearly the other six thousand eight hundred and forty six stimulus attempts have not had the desired effect of boosting the economy and increasing our employment rates,” remarked chairman Bernanke to a room full of unemployed journalists who’d run out of benefits and had nowhere else to be.

When quizzed about what QE6847 would mean for the US dollar, Bernanke explained, “Basically, we’re going to keep printing that sh*t like toilet paper and China’s going to keep eating it. Or we’ll probably bomb them. We’re talking US dollars here. The stuff’s almost gold.” The announcement of QE6847 brings renewed hope to America’s young “lost generation” of unemployed. Former Detroit High School sports-star-turned-homeless-man, Ewan Johns, was beaming about the announcement.

“I appreciate any effort by the US government to create jobs which don’t involve me getting my ass blown off in Afghanistan.”

Author: S.G. McCormick

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