Archive | Sports Scandals

Redskins Rebranded

Redskins Rebranded

To settle the festering controversy over the name of the Washington, D. C. football team – the Redskins – the team announced today that they are changing their logo to a red skinned potato. This allows the team to continue calling itself the Redskins, while only needing to alter their branding.

Team owner Dan Snyder, won made his money as a marketing mogul, has demonstrated that he hasn’t lost his flair.

“Reflecting on the events of the past year during Yom Kippur I came to the decision to end the strife between Native Americans and our team,” Snyder said in a statement released before tonight’s game against the Seattle Seahawks, “and we are now honoring a foundational starch in the American diet – native or not.”

In an agreement with the Idaho Potato Commission the team will be granted exclusive rights to the groups’ iconic Spuddy Buddy mascot.

As part of the logo’s introduction FedEx Field’s stadium food vendors will be featuring German potato salad and roasted red potatoes on their menus. French fries, however, will continue to be made from the traditional russets.

Controversy has dogged the team in recent years as Native American tribes have protested against what they call a racist stereotype. In recent weeks even some US Congresspersons, whose jurisdiction includes the District of Columbia, have called on the team to change its name. Native American tribal leaders contacted all expressed satisfaction that the situation had been resolved, and they would now be turning their attention to Kansas City.

Similarly, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised ownership’s out-of-the-box thinking to successfully resolve the problem with peaceful means, something that the league’s players seem to have more trouble with.

The new mascot, affectionately known as Spud, will make his debut on the field at this evening’s game.

Joe Kale, spokesman for the American Potato Growers Association, said the team has the support of potato farmers of all varieties, and will be considering future promotional tie-ins. “The nutritional value of potatoes has always been important in football player’s diets and this re-branding really demonstrates that”, he said, “and with Dan’s creative mind we will come up with many new ways to integrate potatoes into the team’s routine.” To start with, a load of 100 pound bags of new red potatoes were delivered to the Redskins training facilities to use in stair climb exercises. Can potato-shaped dumbbells be far behind?

Even the North American Vegetarian Society offered their support for the change. The Northwest Potato Coop, however, opined that the Yukon Golds, a Canadian hockey team they sponsor, was looking closely at the mascot to be sure there was no trademark infringement. “We want to be sure that there are no golds mixed in with the reds.”

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Ray Rice Condemns Couple for Wasting Produce

Ray Rice Condemns Couple for Wasting Produce

Baltimore, Maryland – “That’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship,” suspended NFL running back, Ray Rice, shouted to the media from his front doorstep, Friday morning, moments after seeing video footage of a couple in his own neighborhood discarding spoiled fruits and vegetables.

“Man, that couple needs a FoodSaver vacuum, stat!” Rice added, while shaking his hand loose after knocking out his 102-year-old blind neighbor because she told him that he was not as fast as he used to be. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society, Sports, Sports Scandals0 Comments

Announcing a new, politically correct name for the Washington Redskins

Announcing a new, politically correct name for the Washington Redskins

Lately, all the media attention about the NFL has centered on the issue of domestic abuse. But long before that issue grabbed the headlines, another controversy had been building for months, even years: The often emotional debate over the name of the NFL team located in our nation’s capital: The Washington Redskins.

A tiny fringe group of annoyingly sensitive people, including 35 Native American tribes and more than 50 organizations that represent various groups of Native Americans, seem to think the term “redskin” is an offensive stereotype that stirs images of primitive, angry, bloodthirsty savages screaming menacingly and wishing to annihilate their enemy – in other words, acting like a typical Washington Redskins fan. And they are demanding that billionaire team owner Daniel Marc Snyder change the name to something less offensive – say, the Washington Camel Jockeys. Continue Reading

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Adrian Peterson: “I Discipline My Children with Breadsticks”

Adrian Peterson: “I Discipline My Children with Breadsticks”

Minneapolis, Minnesota – Adrian Peterson has finally shed some light on the child abuse case brought against him last week that led to him being placed on the NFL’s exempt list.

“To be extremely blunt, I have always disciplined my kids by beating them with breadsticks,” Peterson said Wednesday afternoon at a news conference inside TCF Bank Stadium.

“Why do I choose breadsticks over a more lethal object? Because of their soft, buttery makeup, which is much gentler on the skin,” added Peterson before demonstrating his technique in front of the 200 people in attendance. Continue Reading

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Roger Goodell Diverts Media’s Attention at News Conference

Roger Goodell Diverts Media’s Attention at News Conference

New York, NY – All eyes were focused on Roger Goodell Wednesday afternoon as the National Football League’s Commissioner was expected to address the media regarding his alleged awareness of the video featuring Ray Rice striking his future wife, Janay Palmer, prior to it being leaked by the celebrity news website, TMZ, late last week.

“I would like to start this conference by addressing a much more serious issue regarding an endangered species, the breadstick,” said Goodell, while holding a basket of warm, buttery breadsticks that he distributed to everyone in attendance. Continue Reading

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Tony Stewart Kills Fellow Driver, Boosting NASCAR Ratings

Tony Stewart Kills Fellow Driver, Boosting NASCAR Ratings

Saturday night NASCAR icon Tony Stewart single-handedly quadrupled NASCAR’s slumping television ratings when he hit and killed Kevin Ward Jr in a Sprint Car race at Canandaigua Motorsports Park in upstate New York.

Ward, 20, had been run into the wall by Stewart the lap before, wrecking his #13 Sprint car and in a jealous rage, Ward confronted Stewart’s car on foot, wagging a very intimidating finger at the former NASCAR champion.

One car swerved to avoid the irate driver but Stewart didn’t miss his target, striking the 20-year-old and dragging him several feet to his death. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Billy Beane in attempted trade for Trout: “F*** it”

Billy Beane in attempted trade for Trout: “F*** it”

ANAHEIM – This morning, general manager Billy Beane of the Oakland Athletics attempted the trade of a lifetime.

Jerry Dipoto, GM of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, tells source that Beane contacted him in the early hours of the morning with an offer he “couldn’t refuse.”

Beane called the Dipoto home around 4am and told the former pitcher “F*** it. I’m ready.” He then allegedly tried to offer up the entire 2014 Oakland Athletics roster in exchange for Angels marquee player, Mike Trout. Continue Reading

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Breaking: Genealogy Site Proves Link Between Suarez and Dr. Lecter

Breaking: Genealogy Site Proves Link Between Suarez and Dr. Lecter

In a recent shocking turn of events the well-known genealogy site Ancestry.com has reported that they have uncovered an indisputable link between Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez and Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a man previously thought to be a fictional cannibal.

“Initially we thought we had bitten off more than we could chew,” commented Ancestry.com CEO Tim Sullivan. “We weren’t looking to sink our teeth into something this newsworthy but in the end it’s a discovery we’re excited to have made.” Continue Reading

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Duck Dynasty’s Robertson Slams Gay Footballer Michael Sam

Duck Dynasty’s Robertson Slams Gay Footballer Michael Sam

There were plenty of tears flowing when Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player, was drafted Saturday afternoon in the 7th round by the St. Louis Rams.

RIGHT: Phil Robertson and his latest duck call. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Some were tears of joy for Sam historically breaking the rainbow colored ceiling and achieving diversity in a macho sport like football, but some were tears of sorrow for the direction even the NFL is taking in an era of inclusiveness and acceptance of the LGBT community. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism, Sports Scandals0 Comments

CNN’s Anderson Cooper Interviews Donald Sterling

CNN’s Anderson Cooper Interviews Donald Sterling

In his first public statements and media interview, Anderson Cooper sits down with LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

Cooper – So Mr. Sterling, what do you think happened to Flight 370?

Sterling – When I listen to that tape, I don’t even know how I can say words like that. … I don’t know why the girl had me say those things. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Scandals1 Comment

Dallas Cowboy’s Fans Unite to Pray for Racist Remarks From Jerry Jones

Dallas Cowboy’s Fans Unite to Pray for Racist Remarks From Jerry Jones

Dallas – In light of the lifetime ban placed upon Donald Sterling, owner of the LA Clippers, after his recent racist remarks, fans of the Dallas Cowboys football team have come together in prayer hoping their sorry-ass owner, Jerry Jones, will open his big mouth and say something that will get him banned for life too.

“This may be just the loophole we’ve been hoping for all these years!” an excited Tom Laundry exclaimed. “If that idiot could just be caught on tape one time saying something stupid we could finally rid ourselves of his massive ego and move forward as a team.” Continue Reading

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N.B.A. Furious Over Sterling’s Comments

N.B.A. Furious Over Sterling’s Comments

Los Angeles, California – Three days after a recording emerged of Clippers Owner, Donald Sterling making racist comments set off a fury of angry reactions from past and current NBA players, an extended recording has been released involving a new victim, the breadstick.

The original recording was of Sterling talking to his girlfriend, professional model, V. Stiviano, regarding an Instagram photo she took with former NBA star, Magic Johnson. Continue Reading

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Donald Sterling Banned For Life From Every Organization With Initials

Donald Sterling Banned For Life From Every Organization With Initials

Chicago – Not only has embattled owner of the LA Clippers basketball team, Donald Sterling, been banned for life from the NBA for his racist remarks, but virtually every other organization in America that is widely known by their initials have banned him as well.

The NFL, MLB, UPS, IBM, NHL, all four of the main television networks, KFC, TCBY, the BBC, ESPN, HBO, BMW, JVC, RCA, QVC, WWE and many others have vowed to never do business with the billionaire asshole ever again. Continue Reading

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Clippers Owner Donald Sterling To Sell Team

Clippers Owner Donald Sterling To Sell Team

At a press conference in Los Angeles this morning, Donald Sterling’s wife Roachelle claimed the NBA team would be sold in a matter of days.

Sterling, 67, who changed his name from Tokowitz so his unique brand of bigotry and racism would seem more ethnically ambiguous, has been embroiled in an intense controversy over apparent recorded racist comments he made to his 24 year old paid escort, arm candy and wannabee model, V. Stiviano. Sterling didn’t approve of her posting pictures on the internet of herself with black men or bringing Magic Johnson to Clippers games.

According to the recording, Sterling had no problem with V associating with black men or even sleeping with them, but the posting of pics and being seen publicly within 100 yards of Sterling made him the butt of jokes among others of Sterling’s “culture”.

At the press conference Roachelle Sterling said “It’s apparent the NBA, fans, people of certain mixed mud colors, anti-semites and jew haters do not want Donald in basketball, so we will be going somewhere where we’ll be appreciated.”

In other sports news Redskins owner Dan Snyder issued a press release midday indicating he was selling his team to an unnamed Los Angeles buyer in a IRS approved, 1031 exchange.

Both sales were approved by NBA and NFL owners along strictly religious and ethnic lines.

In related notes the Israeli parliament has approved designating Ethiopian immigrants of dubious hebrew heritage as 3/5ths real Jew.

photo credit: Tim Noakes via photopin cc

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Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police!

Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police!

Mesa, Arizona – Only days after the real Donovan McNabb was detained by local police enforcement, a six-foot cardboard cutout of the former NFL star continues to evade even the most physically fit officers.

“I’ve never seen him move so well,” said Officer Eugene Hall after chasing the cutout for several feet before hunching over to catch his breath.

“It’s hard to believe he never won a Super Bowl!” Added Hall, now lying on his back, struggling to remain conscious. Continue Reading

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Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found!

Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found!

Gainesville, Florida – Following the surprise release of a photo showing former New England Patriots tight end, Aaron Hernandez holding a BS-47 assault rifle, local police released a statement Wednesday that they have located the weapon used to kill Odin Lloyd on the night of June 17th.

“Mr. Hernandez had a brilliant plan that fooled investigators for months,” said Police Chief, Carl Slowind, who was credited with finding the weapon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Sports Scandals3 Comments

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