Archive | Sports Scandals

Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police!

Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police!

Mesa, Arizona – Only days after the real Donovan McNabb was detained by local police enforcement, a six-foot cardboard cutout of the former NFL star continues to evade even the most physically fit officers.

“I’ve never seen him move so well,” said Officer Eugene Hall after chasing the cutout for several feet before hunching over to catch his breath.

“It’s hard to believe he never won a Super Bowl!” Added Hall, now lying on his back, struggling to remain conscious. Continue Reading

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Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found!

Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found!

Gainesville, Florida – Following the surprise release of a photo showing former New England Patriots tight end, Aaron Hernandez holding a BS-47 assault rifle, local police released a statement Wednesday that they have located the weapon used to kill Odin Lloyd on the night of June 17th.

“Mr. Hernandez had a brilliant plan that fooled investigators for months,” said Police Chief, Carl Slowind, who was credited with finding the weapon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Sports Scandals3 Comments

Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

NASCAR driver Danica Patrick charged other drivers with sexism and misogyny after being bumped in Sundays Daytona 500 causing her to crash into the outer wall and ending her race.

“There’s only one woman at Daytona today and who gets driven off the track? Connect the dots and do the math.” Patrick added “Well, I can’t do the math but I’m sure one of you men out there can help me with that.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals2 Comments

Dennis Rodman Found Drunk Face Down in Pyongyang Alley

Dennis Rodman Found Drunk Face Down in Pyongyang Alley

PYONGYANG, N. KOREA – Dennis Rodman is alive and, at present, sober after being found face down in a small mud puddle in an alleyway adjacent to the Pyongyang stadium where he sang “Happy Birthday” to N. Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Wednesday.

Sources close to Rodman claim the washed up basketball player drank heavily the night of his birthday tribute. Rodman found out the hard way that in North Korea, if you drink heavily, you are on your own, regardless of whether or not you resemble Marilyn Monroe in any way. Continue Reading

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DOJ Investigates DOJ, DOJ Clears DOJ in DOJ Review

DOJ Investigates DOJ, DOJ Clears DOJ in DOJ Review

After information has come to light regarding Chief Justice Eric Holder’s seizure of months of AP phone records and targeting of journalists such as James Rosen and David Sanger, Mr. Holder must now answer…to himself.

Upon reading about the entire ordeal in his morning paper, the president has initiated an immediate and just response: namely, a thorough and penetrating investigation of DOJ policies and actions toward journalists. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Sports Scandals1 Comment

Breaking: Washington Will Ditch Offensive Redskin Mascot for 2013-14 NFL Season

Breaking: Washington Will Ditch Offensive Redskin Mascot for 2013-14 NFL Season

Landover, Maryland: In a decision reached last week by franchise owner Dan Snyder, The Washington Redskins will kick off the 2013-2014 season with a new name and mascot.

The official date for the name change is July 25, the same day Redskin’s summer training camp begins. Players reporting to camp will be issued jerseys displaying the new mascot, the Predator Drone.

The decision to abandon the Redskin, an image that has been a part of D.C. history since the team was founded in 1937, came after team owner Dan Snyder finally caved to pressure from Native American and left-wing activists. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Scandals5 Comments

Google Search For ‘Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial’ Evolves Into ‘Reeva Steenkamp Topless’

Google Search For ‘Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial’ Evolves Into ‘Reeva Steenkamp Topless’

INDIANAPOLIS – During a routine navigation of the internet Friday, a local man’s Google search for the keywords “Oscar Pistorius murder trial” evolved over the course of 7 minutes into “Reeva Steenkamp Topless.”

Initially looking to gain up-to-the-minute news on the murder trial of South Africa’s famed special Olympian, Indianapolis man James Kinsella subconsciously clicked a related article about Pistorius’ late girlfriend Miss Steenkamp – who the athlete is accused of murdering. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Sports Scandals2 Comments

College Basketball Players Still Waiting on Endorsement Deals

College Basketball Players Still Waiting on Endorsement Deals

College Basketball is great, no two ways about it. It has as much competitive spirit as any sport, athletes who will be in the big time in no time, and everything else you’d want… except compensation. John Calipari, coach at the University of Kentucky, earns a cool $4 million dollar salary. This Wildcat took his team to the final four with his amazing team. The top paid player earned a grand total of $0 between salary and product endorsements, but he made up for it with hustle. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Scandals, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Humorist Admits to Banned Substances, Lying, Coverup

Humorist Admits to Banned Substances, Lying, Coverup

[Tim Jones is a regular contributor to Glossy News and has his own humor blog called View from the Bleachers. In a shocking press conference, Jones admitted to using banned performance-enhancing substances to help him write his column. Below are excerpts from that press conference.]

“This is not easy for me to admit. But the time has come for me to finally come clean. Rumors have been swirling about my behavior in recent months. And I simply could not live a lie any longer. For the first time anywhere, I need to make a public confession to all eleven of my readers: Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Scandals3 Comments

Lance Armstrong Apologizes to Supporters, Fellow Cyclists for Getting Caught

Lance Armstrong Apologizes to Supporters, Fellow Cyclists for Getting Caught

CHICAGO, IL – In an open and honest interview with Oprah Winfrey, disgraced former cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted to doping and apologized to fellow professionals and his supporters for getting found out.

During the interview, the first part of which was screened Thursday on the Oprah Winfrey Network, a remorseful Mr. Armstrong insisted that his decision not to sue The United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) for making doping claims against him is something he “highly regrets.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Scandals, Television2 Comments

Woman Narrowly Avoids Animal Cruelty Conviction, Helps Change Law

Woman Narrowly Avoids Animal Cruelty Conviction, Helps Change Law

In a surprise verdict in Stoughton District Court yesterday, Alessa Maslansky, 47, of Canton, Massachusetts, was found not guilty of charges relating to fitting her neighbour’s dog with a shock collar in an effort to prevent what she called ‘its incessant barking’. Continue reading

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Posted in Crime, Sports Scandals4 Comments

Madden Players Association in Heated Lockout

Madden Players Association in Heated Lockout

GREENVILLE, NC – Sports media has covered many lockouts over the years, but have yet to address the major Madden ’13 lockout that is intensifying in many homes across the country.

The lockout occurred after EA sports stopped providing catered food services at their tournaments. This initial outrage has only grown.

“The life of a professional gamer isn’t as illustrious as people would believe,” stated Pete Gallagher, Director of the Madden Player Association, living in Greenville, North Carolina. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Scandals1 Comment

NFL Addresses Fan Discontent by Hiring Replacement Refs from Foot Locker

NFL Addresses Fan Discontent by Hiring Replacement Refs from Foot Locker

The National Football League is taking decisive action in response to complaints about horrendously bad officiating by the replacement referees, who were brought in due to the lockout of referees by the league.

The move is the culmination of events precipitated by perhaps the worst missed call in NFL history. In this week’s Monday Night Football contest between the Seattle Seahawks and visiting Green Bay Packers, a Green Bay Packer defender intercepted a pass in the end zone as the game clock expired but the referee called it a touchdown. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Scandals0 Comments

Was Romney’s Horse on Steroids at the London Olympics?

Was Romney’s Horse on Steroids at the London Olympics?

It’s now less than two months until the 2012 presidential election. The field of candidates has been whittled down to the Final 13. The short list includes several impressive independent candidates, like Robert Burck, better known to New Yorkers as the Naked Cowboy, Brian J. Moran of Texas, who, as best as anyone can tell, is the only candidate running this year on the Jedi party ticket, and Vermin Supreme, whose boldly fresh platform calls for an end to gingivitis and more investment in time travel research.

Vermin also courageously promises a free pony for every American. (This is 100% true.)

Fortunately, to make it easier for the average American to decide for whom to cast their vote, our electoral system has given two candidates a slight edge in the race to the White House: incumbent Barack Obama and that other guy, whose name temporarily escapes me because of the complete dearth of political ads on his behalf – no wait a minute, it’s coming to me. Yes, Mitt Romney.

At the two recent political conventions, both candidates made promises they have no intention of keeping and scurrilous attacks about their opponent’s record. Both made bold claims about how they plan to save Medicare, reduce the debt, create more jobs and piss off China.

Reporters have been asking pointed questions about how their plans will impact global warming of the middle class, reduce defense spending on the elderly, and protect the right to tax gay marriage. But so far, no one has asked the candidates the important questions that undecided, marginally aware voters with the attention span of a gnat want answers to, like Who’s running for president this year anyway?

Here are a few critical questions uninformed votes are demanding the candidates address once and for all:

• For Governor Romney: Your wife’s mare Rafalca performed well at the dressage competition in the recent London Olympics. What type of performance-enhancing drugs did she use? Same question about Rafalca?

• For Obama: You brag about how your bailout saved the U.S. automotive industry. As a result, my neighbor’s teenage son owns a new Camaro. He likes to rev the engine insanely loud at 2am and he’s installed an obnoxious horn that blares some AC-DC song. When are you going to impound his car?

• For Romney: Why won’t you reveal your elementary school report cards? What are you hiding?

• For Obama: With the First Dog, Bo, you appear to prefer dogs. When will you come out and admit once and for all that you hate cats and anyone who is a cat owner?

• For Romney: How do you get your hair to look so perfect all the time, with that slight touch of grey? Very distinguished. Do you use Grecian Formula? And if so, is Greece paying you a kickback?

• For Obama: How do you plan to destroy Medicare? Will you replace all physicians with Kenyan witch doctors, as a leaflet I received from Karl Rove said? Or would you be at least willing to consider hiring American witch doctors, in the interest of job creation?

• For Romney: In choosing Paul Ryan to be your running mate, how much of a role did his brilliant work as a child actor playing the part of Eddie Munster factor into your decision?

• For Obama: When you took out Osama bin Laden, isn’t it a fact that you were mainly after his incredible stash of porn for your personal collection, as I heard on Rush Limbaugh?

• For Romney: Some people complain that you only care about the rich, that you’re out of touch with the needs of the middle-class working person. My question is this: Which of your six homes has the awesomest view: your oceanfront estate in La Jolla or your ski lodge in Park City, Utah?

• For Obama: Earlier this year, you came out in favor of gays. What is it about heterosexuals that you despise so much, and which gay celebrity would you rather sleep with, Neal Patrick Harris or Anderson Cooper?

• For Romney: Some people are concerned that you will reverse banking regulation reforms that were instituted as a result of the financial collapse of 2008. Given your business investment experience with Bain Capital, my question is this: Do you think Apple is over-priced or should I still buy?

• For Obama: You admitted to using pot and cocaine as a teenager. Will you submit to a urine test, right now? I’ll look the other way while you pee into this cup.

Regardless of the candidates’ answers to these questions, most marginally informed voters’ decision about who to vote for may come down to the candidates’ last names. Romney’s name, when you scramble the letters spells R-MONEY. But Obama’s name, when you scramble it (and misspell it), spells A BOMB A! It would appear that Romney wants to give Americans back R money. Obama just wants to blow us all up. Based on this compelling argument, uninformed voters are leaning 5 to 1 in favor of Romney.

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Posted in Sports Scandals1 Comment

Six Significant Sporting Bans for Lance Armstrong

Six Significant Sporting Bans for Lance Armstrong

Now that Lance Armstrong has been officially banned from “Sport” for life by the USADA, Glossynews with the help of WikiLeaks has uncovered associated bans in the fine print.

While Armstrong still maintains the USADA power to enforce the ban is as illegitimate as Snooki’s baby, he vows to cease resistance since it is obviously futile. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Scandals4 Comments

Crowd Accused of Lifting Mo Farah Over the Finish Line

Crowd Accused of Lifting Mo Farah Over the Finish Line

An appeal has been made to the IOC to strip British runner Mo Farah of his gold medal as accusations of cheating sore higher than the elation of the athlete.

Mo Farah became the first British athlete to win a gold medal in distance running but Ethopian 5000m silver medallist, Dejen Gebremeskel and Kenyan 5000m Bronze medallist, Thomas Pkemei Longosiwa have called into question the legitimate acquisition of the Olympic gold given that the 80,000 strong crowd was cheering Farah and not them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals1 Comment

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