Categorized | Health, Science

FDA adds “homicidal rampage” warning to otherwise perfectly safe drug

FDA adds “homicidal rampage” warning to otherwise perfectly safe drug

Washington DC: The Food and Drug Administration has announced an immediate black box warning will be placed on it’s controversial anti-malarial drug, Lariam, also known as Mefloquine, due to its tendency to make patients attempt murder, suicide, genocide and partake in other equally crazy and disturbing behavior after taking it.

“The decision to give the drug the most serious warning possible was not made lightly,” said Dr Mengele of Roche pharmaceuticals.

“We had to weigh up both sides of this argument. Let’s be clear, not EVERYONE taking this drug goes on a homicidal rampage killing 16 Afghani civilians. Just some,” explained Dr Mengele, in reference to the upcoming sentencing of US Army Sergeant Robert Bales, convicted of murdering most of an Afghan village after taking Lariam in March of 2011.

Since it’s development by the Walter Reed army research facility in the 1970’s, Lariam has operated under a cloud but much of the evidence against it’s safety was deemed “anecdotal” by medical practitioners.

“We were originally impeded at identifying issues with this drug early on because we mostly trial this shit on willing participants like prisoners and soldiers. I mean, we can safely say that most of the subjects were potentially violent and f*ked in the head to begin with,” offered Dr Mengele.

In 2002, four soldiers murdered their wives and then themselves in a cluster of murder-suicides at Fort Bragg shortly after returning from a deployment to a malaria endemic region. That same year, Roche pharmaceuticals warned that the drug “may cause anxiety, paranoia, aggressive behavior and suicide.”

In 2006, scientists discovered that Lariam accumulates in the brain stems of rats causing central nervous system problems and lesions. The rats were reportedly far from happy.

“I’ll be frank. Lariam is a drug steeped in controversy,” FDA spokesman Paul Lightning explained. “It somehow kills off malaria parasites. And human brain cells. We’ve been getting alarm bells about this medication since the US military invented it in the 1970s. Fortunately we’ve taken swift and decisive action forty years later before sh*t really got out of hand.”

But Dr Mengele of Roche pharmaceuticals stood by his drug. “Let’s not take these killing sprees out of context. Attempted genocides were taking place long before Lariam was prescribed. To the best of our knowledge, Hitler wasn’t even on it and neither was Stalin.”

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One Response to “FDA adds “homicidal rampage” warning to otherwise perfectly safe drug”

  1. Sheogorath says:

    Ah, now I finally understand what the ConDems are on. Genocide of unemployed, underemployed, and disabled people is what they’re currently engaged in, but if they’re on this devastating drug, that explains it.

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