In a move likely to lead to mass shootings within the US Postal service, a record 743 million Americans have already mailed in their ballots ahead of the November presidential election. “743 million is an odd number, so it’s obviously all fraud,” explained President Donald Trump, who appeared amused by the record amount of mail-in votes.
“I don’t know who is behind this mail fraud. This is one of the biggest ballot harvests I’ve ever seen. One of the great harvests. Of all time. Who would undermine our electoral system like this? I didn’t do it but I’ll definitely be appealing to that Supreme Court judge I just appointed. This election totally stinks already, it totally smells, I bet it’s even giving Sleepy Joe Biden nightmares over there, I didn’t tamper with the mail ballots, it was probably crooked Hillary. She does election fraud. That’s true. I actually won the popular vote in 2016 but Crooked Hillary rigged that on me. I’m not on drugs but Sleepy Joe won’t take a drug test. I certainly won’t be on drugs for the drug test. Maybe Sleepy Joe is on drugs. Makes me wonder. Americans should be concerned. Sad.”