Trump Pardons Unabomber

Florida, 9am
In a move certain to appeal to his base, Donald Trump has issued an official Presidential pardon to “Mathematical Genius” Ted Kaczynsky. 
“I give a full pardon to Ted, unfairly labelled a Unabomber by the fake news media. I know what it’s like to be called mean things. It’s not nice. I bet they didn’t even read his manifesto,” said Mr Trump.
“He made a point when he said ‘the industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race.’I agree. It’s all true. 
“Ted actually copied that line from me, it’s in The Art of The Deal, it’s in there somewhere, but that’s okay. I’m fine with that, imitation is flattery.”
At a ceremony at his Mar-a-Lago golf course, Mr Trump concluded the ceremony by shaking hands with the Unabomber. “You’re pardoned Ted, now go off to your little log cabin, stand back and standby, and I expect your full support on inauguration day.” 
-Victims of the Unabomber and the Capitol building riots were unavailable for comment. 

Author: S.G. McCormick

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