After decades of what could only be described as a tail-chasing nightmare of anabolic proportions, International Olympic Committee president Jaques Rogge has announced that this years London Olympics will involve compulsory performance enhancing drug use for all competitors.

“In an effort to remove any doubt, this year I want to see them all doped up to their eyeballs. I’m confident we can finally silence the usual brigade of 4th and 5th-placed losers that bitch and moan and claim they were the only ones not hitting the juice.

“Like I always tell them, ‘You finished a tenth of a second behind Ben Johnson and Marion Jones. Sure, sure you weren’t on the heavy stuff.’ “They must think I’m as thick as a brick but I’m onto their caper,” continued President Rogge. “But this new policy is about more than silencing those annoying self-proclaimed goody-goodies,” explained a hopeful President who has overseen a litany of embarrassing international drug scandals in the past.

“By and large this will be all about creating a degree of certainty, accountability and integrity never before seen in the history of the modern games.”

Asked whether the move would send a poor message to aspiring young athletes, president Rogges laughed. “Hah. Do you remember Athens and before that Sydney, and before that, Atlanta?! It’s no secret that for years now some of the female athletes have been sprouting testicles. The only young athletes out there that don’t know what’s happening are just plain gullible.”

When quizzed about what would become of organisations such as the World Anti-Doping Agency, President Rogges was curt: “Judging by their track record, that pack of clowns couldn’t detect herpes in a brothel. They deserve to be dissolved but, I dont know, maybe we can keep them on in a temporary role ensuring the athletes are sticking to their doses. Somebody will have to keep the oversized rascals in line.”

The Games of the XXX Olympiad, already dubbed “the dopiest games” will take place in London from the 27th July to the 12th of August.