Mayans, Nostradamus Agree on Donald Trump Armageddon Scenario

Machu Picchu, dusk – After ten seconds of reciprocal nodding over candlelight, Nostradamus and Mayan elders have announced they are in complete agreement with their Donald Trump apocalyptic destruction prophecies.

“I clearly mentioned that guy in the 3rd verse of the 4th Quatrain,” declared Nostradamus, whose only failed prediction was his own death in 1566.

“It’s all in there: ‘Ginger Toupee with hot daughter shalt bankrupt casinos, punish television viewers then make them all drink the Koolaid’…” A bunch of dead Mayan chiefs agreed. “Since our scripts are all but extinct, we’re going to have to use some poetic licence here. I can clearly see a guy shouting ‘The whole world is fired!’ at the end of the calendar. You’re just going to have to trust us on this.”

Trump, a potential 2012 Republican presidential candidate, caused a stir recently when he said he’d happily invade Libya and take most of its oil. “In the old days you have a war and you win, then that nation is yours,” explained Trump underneath a swarm of circling crows.

“If I’m successful in 2012, I just want the American people to know they’ll have more stuff because I’ll be stealing it for them and wiping out a few of the bad guys while I’m at it.”

United Nations Secretary Ban Ki-moon was unavailable for comment due to chest pains.

Author: S.G. McCormick

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23 thoughts on “Mayans, Nostradamus Agree on Donald Trump Armageddon Scenario

  1. Our doomed path to destruction is secured. Hope you enjoy your mistake America. Armageddon here we come.

    Realistically I give him one year before he is impeached.

  2. Yeah, well I have big hands. I can palm a basketball like it’s a softball, so “handful” is all relative.

  3. You have to be the code guy because you’re good at it, Brian! You should see how I fix stuff (look at what happened when I screwed with Wikileaks). Let’s talk this weekend. The site’s been idle awhile (been a traveling salesman for the past couple of months…those Farmer’s daughters are a handful).

  4. Aha, we see how Mayan Mike Moriarty fell into my trap. In his wry riposte to my ‘Fathership’ bait, he reveals himself merely disguised as a humorless denizen of the apocalyptic fringe.

    Elementary really. Watson, the pipe. Oh not that pipe old man! The other one, the one we hide when Inspector Lestrade visits…

  5. Thanks Kilroy, you know I respect your (lack of?) sensibilities. Hey, Strangle was offline for about three hours overnight. It took a mad bunch of self-flagellation, but I finally got it fixed… why do I have to be the code guy???

    Let’s talk again soon, man, it’s been too long.


  6. LT – The father-ship isn’t mentioned for the same reason we never seek the Fatherload… The fatherload would be expended much too quickly, and the miners (sick) would thereby immediately go to sleep. There’s just no money in it.

  7. Brilliant work Scott. If that one doesn’t claim the fabled 100 buck monthly prize then I don’t know what will! 😛

  8. The voices express ire to your cynicism. And Fatherships never ask directions so they never get anywhere on time.

  9. You know Mayan Mike, I was hoping you’d tell us all Machu Picchu is in Peru and the Mayans hung out in Honduras but I suppose if we’re all doomed a few thousand miles aren’t important. Happy apocalypse all. Cheers for the feedback.

  10. How dare you mock the Mayans? I revel in knowing that the 21st of December 2012, your smug faces will turn to horror when that mothership tells you, “We don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here.” And you wonder what happened to us. Jackasses!

  11. Congrats S.G., you really ‘Trumped’ that one!

    Hardee har har!

    Get it? TRUMPED that one!!

    Har, har har! Gosh, I’m so funny!

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