Author: S.G. McCormick
Trump Pardons Unabomber
Florida, 9amIn a move certain to appeal to his base, Donald Trump has issued an official Presidential pardon to “Mathematical Genius” Ted Kaczynsky. “I give a full pardon to Ted, unfairly labelled a Unabomber by the fake news media. I know…
Supreme Court Judge
10am, Albuquerque: In a move likely to lead to mass shootings within the US Postal service, a record 743 million Americans have already mailed in their ballots ahead of the November presidential election. “743 million is an odd number, so it’s obviously all…
Washington Redskins to be Renamed Rainbow-Farting-Unicorns
In a controversial move deisgned to appease the nation’s vegan transgender vaping atheists and left-handed male feminist pastafarian apache helicopters, the Washington Redskins have agreed to rename their team to the more politically correct Fedex-Farting-Unicorns. Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins,…
Saudi Woman Causes Nation’s First Ever Pile-Up
A Saudi Arabian woman has created history in Riyadh today by causing her kingdom’s first ever peak-hour multi-vehicle accident. Mother of 3 Hamida Ghabbour blamed the accident on 1400 years without practice, and said she can’t wait until alcohol restrictions…
FDA Adds “Homicidal Rampage” Warning to Otherwise Perfectly Safe Drug
Washington DC: The Food and Drug Administration has announced an immediate black box warning will be placed on it’s controversial anti-malarial drug, Lariam, also known as Mefloquine, due to its tendency to make patients attempt murder, suicide, genocide and partake…
IOC Announces Compulsory Drug Use for London Olympics
After decades of what could only be described as a tail-chasing nightmare of anabolic proportions, International Olympic Committee president Jaques Rogge has announced that this years London Olympics will involve compulsory performance enhancing drug use for all competitors.
Bernanke Claims Quantity Not Quality Goal of New Stimulus Plan
In a shocking move this morning, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced yet another new plan to stimulate the US economy with what has been labelled ‘Quantative Easing Number Six Thousand Eight Hundred and Forty Seven.’ “Clearly the other six…
Osama Bin Laden Slips In Shower, Dies
Islamabad, I think it was last week – GlossyNews.com – After two decades of military operations spanning four continents, at a cost billions of dollars and thousands of U.S. and coalition lives, Al Qaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden died suddenly…
Gaddafi Ceasefire Gesture: “My Guerillas Have Put Down Their Arms”
Tripoli Zoo, Tuesday: In a secret satellite conference last Tuesday, Libyan dictator Muhammar Gaddafi reportedly told NATO he had disarmed all of his Guerrillas and he “no longer wanted bloodlessness.” “No word of a lie. What I say is true….
Mayans, Nostradamus Agree on Donald Trump Armageddon Scenario
Machu Picchu, dusk – GlossyNews.com: After ten seconds of reciprocal nodding over candlelight, Nostradamus and Mayan elders have announced they are in complete agreement with their Donald Trump apocalyptic destruction prophecies. “I clearly mentioned that guy in the 3rd verse…