Posted in Top Stories World News

US To Send Bullshit Detector To Malaysia

In the latest effort to uncover the fate of MH370, the United States has announced it will send a state of the art Bullshit Detector to Malaysia. “The BSD will be located adjacent to the Perdana Putra building, which houses…

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial Society

Choosing the Right Store Brand Ointment is Tough, For Life is Fleeting

By Guest Writer Bill Edgecomb What is this life but a single blink of the eye of an ever-expanding universe? Why do we itch? Is existence itching, the cause of which is the desire for ointment? Are we to just…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Guilt-Stricken Woman Slips Husband Antidote

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Posted in Strange People

Woman Seeks “Unconscious Uncoupling” from Comatose Husband

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In May of 2010, Jerry Gilbertson of the L.A. Area suffered a severe balloon animal accident that ruptured a cerebral artery and put him in a coma. Nearly four years later, Jerry’s wife Deborah has become fed up and…

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Posted in Entertainment Talky Pictures

Original Cast of Jaws Reunites for Breadsterastyx, Adds Eddie Murphy

Hollywood, California – In an exciting turn of events on Thursday, DreamWorks Studios announced that it has finished filming a new movie in honor of the fallen Olive Garden restaurant chain and the prehistoric dinosaur that started it all, Breadsterastyx….

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Posted in World News

Danish Zoo Defends Killing Of Employees

A Danish zoo on Wednesday defended its decision to kill four employees citing age factors, the risk of inbreeding and the arrival of a new, younger male hire. This week’s executions have put the Copenhagen Zoo on the defensive again,…

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Posted in Crime Travel

Carnival Corporation Posts Onboard Cruise Crime Data

In a voluntary effort to be more accountable to the public, Carnival Cruise Lines has released data about 576,727 alleged crimes reported on board their ships during the previous year. Included in the release were 18967 incidents of public drunkenness,…

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Posted in Travel World News

France Finds Missing Flight 370

After waiting more than ten days to jump into the search for Flight 370, France declared it has found the ill fated airliner off the coast of Italy. “We were delayed due to union repairs on our sole high imaging…

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Posted in Biz News Sports

Redskins Owner Dan Snyder To Open Chain of Reservation Liquor Stores

Responding to claims of racial insensitivity over the team name, NFL Redskins owner Dan Snyder embarked on a month long voyage of discovery to dozens of Native American Reservations. In a widely distributed press release issued on Monday, Snyder said…

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Posted in Religionism

Christians Buy “What Would an Iron Age Yokel do?” Bracelet

Dateline: CHARLOTTE, NC—Along with its more famous line of wristbands, emblazoned with the words, “What would Jesus do?” Dollars for Jesus, a Christian merchandise company began selling a mysterious alternative, a wristband asking its wearer, “What would an Iron Age…

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Posted in Entertainment Music

Lady Gaga Responds To Criticism Over Head Defecation Stunt

The Internet exploded with criticism Friday after a performance by Lady Gaga at the NSFW Music Festival in Winslow, Arizona, in which a homeless man wet defecated on her head. Gaga was premiering the title track to her new album…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Internets Tubes

Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks

WILLOW GROVE, PENN. Satirists are gathering at a conference titled “This Article Is An Inside Joke” in Willow Grove this weekend to decide if breadsticks are inherently funny or only so when mentioned in the same sentence as “Olive Garden”….

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Posted in Health Human Interest

Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis. “Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and…

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Posted in World News

Flight 370 – Submitted, For Your Approval

You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Plastic Fork Makes Valiant Effort

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Posted in Travel World News

Breaking: Glossy News to Feature Malaysia Flight 370 Article

GN Corporate Headquarters—After waiting long enough for someone, anyone, to address the issue that was clearly a major, current topic, Glossy News has finally caved in and decided to break their deafening silence regarding Malaysia Flight 370. “I just know…

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Posted in World News

US Defense Department Claims MH370 Attacked By Cylons

In a strange press release distributed by the US Department of Defense on Wednesday, US Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel says Malaysia Flight 370 was attacked by time traveling Cylons and was forced to jump to hyperspace. “The Boeing 777 has…

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial Society

5 Steps To Hosting A Million Dollar Party

So, you made your way into college…Great, good job! Now all that’s left for you to do, is to acknowledge you have no place there and all your future holds for you is a prime career in flipping burgers. Nah,…

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Posted in War Zone World News

Obama Announces Sanctions on Lyudmila Putin

During a White House Rose Garden press conference Thursday, President Barack Obama, in an effort to drive Russian forces from the Crimean Peninsula, announced far reaching sanctions against Vladimar Putin’s wife, Lyudmila. “We have frozen funds in her Citicorp and…

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy Television

Physicist Detects Origin of CBS Hit “The Big Bang Theory”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – This week physicist Dr. George H. Gebbins finally pinpointed the very beginning of what has been called The Big Bang Theory, thanks to the detection of essentially a beam of light that has been traveling the universe…

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