Los Angeles – GlossyNews.com – Oceanic Airlines has announced plans to institute a surcharge ranging from $5.00 to $57.50 for passengers transporting books which exhibit existential angst, says company spokesperson Macine Galvertson.

“In the future a hefty surcharge will be levied upon those passengers transporting heavy works of philosophy on board our airplanes,” she says. “In particular, passengers bringing onboard works of extreme existential angst will be subject to surcharges, the exact amount depending upon the particular philosophical work in question.” Continue Reading

For those wishing to explore the back country of Denali National Park in Alaska, one of the requirements that park rangers insist upon is that avid hikers pack their food in a bear-proof container. Unfortunately, this small, barrel-shaped container also proves itself to be human proof if you don’t carry a screwdriver with you to open it.

Does anyone see the problem with this? Continue Reading

Nuevo Laredo, Mexico – GlossyNews.com – The Nuevo Laredo Tourist Department (NLTD) has announced its newest tourist attraction, the Narco-Terrorism Tour for Gringos, which is to be launched August 10 from Nuevo Laredo, Mexico.

“This exciting adventure will appeal to many rich gringos, we think,” enthuses Alberto X. Rodriguez, deputy chief of the NLTD. “For just ten thousand American dollars you can visit Mexico’s border regions and towns where even la policia won’t go. And we’re sure Americans will be safe the whole time and not be shot or kidnapped.” Continue Reading

Here’s a little guide to help ensure that you’re driving like the rest of America.

DON’T BE AWARE!

While driving, keep in mind that everyone else on the road should be looking out for you. Therefore, there is no reason for you to be aware of your surroundings. A perfect example of this would be not checking your blind spot when trying to change lanes. Continue Reading

New York – GlossyNews.com – According to informed sources the government has come up with an imaginative solution to the problem of invasive image scanning at airports.

Many travelers, especially women, have complained about the fact that the new scanning technology in effect showed them naked to the TSA screening attendant. And they have been equally unhappy about the alternative, being “patted-down.” Continue Reading

Mr. Snow Miser who played, well the ‘Snow Miser’, on the hit Christmas television special, The Year Without a Santa Claus, discovered to his dismay that he has been put on the TSA’s ‘No Fly’ list.

Mr. Miser, who was trying to get back to his home in the Arctic, didn’t find out that he was on the terrorist watch list until he tried to check in at New York’s Kennedy airport. “You got to be snowballing me”, he said bitterly when informed of the news. Continue Reading

Tel Aviv, IA -(Glossy News) Mourners filled the office of Zion Shipping Lines after news of the first Israeli cruise ship, the Moe Weiner, was reported foundering in rough waters in Lake Champaine in upstate New York.

According to several eyewitnesses, the Moe Weiner hit a partially submerged object. Later identified as a possible Golberg, the heavily laden cruise ship began sinking almost immediately. Continue Reading

Fans of brains everywhere, rejoice! Here is the first in-print guide to fine brain dining wherever you may be in the US. Our ghoulish researchers have spent many dark, moonlit nights partaking of the cuisine available throughout this great land.

They have experimented with cranial delicacies from the intellectuals of New York to the trailer trash of Alabama. Here is a portion of the guide to whet your appetite for mental munchies. Continue Reading

Nature Air CEO Calvin Klavan is quick to tell reporters he doesn’t like the term ‘nudist.’ “We’re not nudists; we’re naturists. When you cloth-backs go to the zoo, do you marvel at the ‘nude’ animals? No, of course you don’t. Yes, we’re a damned profitable business. But first and foremost we’re a movement whose time has arrived.”

He spoke to Glossy News this week from Nature Air’s Vista Verdad, AZ corporate offices, about the fledgling carrier’s stunning recent success. Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (Glossy News) — Since the recent incident between Southern California resident John Tyner and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), which involved the now infamous “groping” scandal, travelers are debating whether to continue moving about the Land of the Free by plane. Several civil liberties organizations have gone so far as to urge fliers to forgo air travel on November 24, historically the busiest day in airports across the country. Continue Reading

In a move to help quell the uproar over airport full-body scanners, Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano put in a personal call to the Man of Steel asking for help, despite doubts about his very existence.

The growing backlash from passengers, pilots and airlines themselves has prompted an emergency meeting between the DHS and TSA to look for a solution just before the busiest holiday travel season of the year officially kicks off. Continue Reading

Do Canadians really exist? Yes, that is my question. Is there really such a whimsical folk who believe in such things as mounted police wearing red uniforms and modified cowboy hats, water wells with hand pumps, pancakes made with milk fresh from the cow, and wood burning stoves? Or are they, like so many other famous creatures, folks and fairies of legend simply a product of someone’s over-inventive fantasy? Continue Reading

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

Beleaguered, nearly forgotten Cuba has announced another wave of economic reforms. Under the new guidelines, citizens can operate small businesses, hire employees, and rent property for American currency. Analysts attribute the moves to Raul Castro’s leading the island nation away from Marxism in response to rapidly changing market forces.

No kidding, that is how print journalists really talk? It’s nothing but a bunch of meaningless self-important sounding drivel! Continue Reading

Finland, that land of perpetual daytime, when it isn’t night 24 hours a day — known for snow, reindeer, hot tubs, saunas and, I guess, other things, was in the news this last week.

In a story that barely made the news this month we found out that Newsweek was sold to an investor for the suspicious sum of $1. What has been more thoroughly covered was the Newsweek report that Finland is the #1 country in the world. It seems the mystery is solved, as the transaction was brokered by the Finnish Tourism Council. Continue Reading

REYKJAVIK, Iceland (GlossyNews) — Pop singer Bjork (pronounced BEE-YORKKKKK, just like you are upchucking a bad pizza), always a fountainhead of new and eccentric ideas, has decided to help alleviate Iceland’s terrible economic problems.

Iceland, long a self reliant land, made a bad mistake by investing heavily in British stocks which plummeted in value during the current recession. Iceland teeters on bankruptcy. Continue Reading

CHICAGOLAND, Illinois
(GlossyNews) –

The horror! The horror!

This is a quote from Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, the short story that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It is also a quote on the tongues of many Chicagoans when they found that their Life Saver mints, a product staple of the eternal Wrigley Company, a bastion of Chicoagoan enterprise, is now being made in Canada.

The horror! The horror! Continue Reading