[This message brought to you by the Greater Seattle Tourist Information Bureau.]

Greetings, visitor. Welcome to Seattle. If this is your first time to the Emerald City, we’d like to share some fun facts about our great city to help you plan your trip.

Hey, did you ever wonder why they call it the Emerald City? It’s because everything here is always green. And that’s because it rains in Seattle 342 days a year. Isn’t that fascinating? So bring your bumbershoot and get ready for some fun out of the sun!

When packing for a trip to Seattle, don’t worry about packing your sunglasses – because you won’t need ‘em!

FUN FACT: Many Seattle residents live their entire lives without ever seeing the sun.

Some Seattleites believe the existence of the sun is a myth, sort of like Mount Olympus of ancient Greek legend. (Ironically, there actually is a Mount Olympus in Washington State – but thanks to the clouds no one from Seattle has ever seen it.)

There is so much to do in Seattle, or should we say so much to dew? If you’re coming in April, don’t miss the annual Moss Festival, and be sure to catch the always-popular slug races. By all means, set aside five minutes to visit the Seattle Sun Museum, where you can see the amazing mural of photos taken during the legendary SUN-ageddon of August 1935, when thousands of Seattleites feared the world was coming to an end because the sun shone brightly for seven consecutive days.

FUN FACT: Baseball caps weren’t always worn backwards. That fashion trend originated right here in Seattle, when fans watching a baseball game finally realized there was no need for a visor to block the sun from their eyes.

If you’re here in June, check out the popular Sleepless in Seattle tradition of the Summer Solstice – a day each year when thousands of our residents come together to celebrate the longest period of daylight without sunshine each year.

Did you say you’re coming in July? Well then, keep your ears open for the breathtaking sounds of our popular Fourth of July fireworks. You’ve never heard fireworks like these! But don’t forget: If you’re coming in summer, bring plenty of sunscreen (sun protection factor #1 should suffice).

FUN FACT: People from Seattle have never learned how to squint.

Seattle is only 60 miles from Mt. Rainier. At 14,410 feet, Rainier is one of the tallest mountains in the world. Its slopes are snow-covered 12 months of the year and it’s considered one of the most beautiful mountains in America – or at least so we’ve been told. We’ve never actually seen it here in Seattle.

If you’re coming during baseball season, be sure to catch a Seattle Mariners game at the beautiful Safeco Field, where fans always come to the park in breathless anticipation that this might be the game when the Mariners finally open up the park’s roof. They’ve never not been disappointed.

Energy-conscious visitors won’t want to miss Seattle’s world-famous 100% solar-powered energy plant. Over the course of just one year, the plant’s massive array of solar panels can generate enough energy to power an electric tea kettle in West Seattle for almost 30 minutes.

DON’T MISS THESE POPULAR ATTRACTIONS DURING YOUR VISIT!

• Take a fact-filled DUCKS tour of downtown Seattle. Enjoy the heart-pounding thrill of water splashing in your face without ever leaving dry land.

• Enjoy an exhilarating elevator ride to the top of the Space Needle and imagine what the city below you might look like.

• Try our world-famous gourmet coffee. Just look 20 yards in any direction. Despite the curtain of rain, you should be able spot at least five Starbucks.

• Take a tranquil ferry boat ride from downtown Seattle to nearby Bainbridge Island. If you’re lucky, you may even be able to sneak a passing glimpse of Seattle as your ship propels through the fog.

HELPFUL TRAVEL TIPS:

• Seattle is beautiful, so bring your camera. When you arrive, be sure to permanently set your camera to “FLASH ON.”

• On second thought, bring your sunglasses after all. The constant glare from car headlights (necessary 24-hours-a-day) can be blinding.

• Seattle in the summer can get blazing hot – sometimes up to 71 degrees. So bring shorts.

• Consider visiting during our less busy rainy season (which starts in early January and continues until the following January). Bring a good book to read. On second thought, bring a library card.

HERE ARE A FEW MORE FUN FACTS WE BET YOU DID NOT KNOW

FUN FACT: Did you know that more sunglasses are sold in Seattle than any other city in the USA? That’s because people go months without needing to use them and then forget where they put them.

FUN FACT: More books are sold in Seattle than any other city in the USA – which, when you think about it, is a great way to spend your time visiting Seattle, because you certainly won’t be spending it outdoors.

FUN FACT: Did you know that Seattle has the second highest suicide rate in the nation? If you’re contemplating killing yourself, what better place to end it all than in the suicide capital of the Pacific Northwest? But don’t come in late January. That’s our peak suicide season, and the waits for window ledges can be long.

So come visit Seattle. If you’ve had your fill of sun-soaked vacations with palm trees and toasty warm beaches in exotic tropical destinations, why not cool off in the great Pacific Northwest? You’re guaranteed not to get a painful sunburn like that time you visited Mexico.

This is the second in a series of two wonderful articles about horrible, vicious, dangerous, hideous, disgusting Australian animals that for some reason contain no mention of Rupert Murdoch.

(Note to reader, this article does not contain information about horrible, vicious Australians, although many consider them to be in the category of animals as well. Continue Reading

With warmer weather approaching and Spring Break right around the corner, Glossy News has decided, against our normal routine, to share some jokes.

Normally we structure some sort of premise then jam all the jokes in around it, but sometimes it’s just easier this way.

Why do Spring Breakers not like blond jokes?
– They always have to find a blond to explain them.

Did you hear about the Spring Breaker who had a brain bruise?
– He sat down too hard.

Why does Bud beer always sell so well at Spring Break?
– Spring breakers can’t pronounce Heinekin.

Did you hear about the special type of DUI that the police issue at Spring Break?
– Driving Under the Intelligence level.

Why do Spring Breakers always run around naked?
– They haven’t figured out how buttons and zippers work yet.

What do you call twins on Spring Break?
– A good reason for legalizing abortions.

Why do Spring Breakers use snowboards that are rounded at both ends?
– Because they don’t know if they are coming or going.

How do you tell the difference between a regular tourist and a Spring Breaker?
– A regular tourist will not be found in the morning upside down stoned in a trash can with his pants missing and one of his socks over his genitals (usually).

How does a female college student explain to her dad that she is pregnant four months after coming home from Spring Break?
– “He told me it was a condom. How was I to know it was the plastic bag from the wine bottle?”

Why do college students drink so much at Spring Break?
– They find that diminished brain cells help lessen the blow of failing out of school.

- -

NOTE – To those wishing to comment- Yes, I know this is not an article. Just take it for what it is and we will all be a lot happier and maybe have a chuckle.

The State Department has issued a warning for people traveling throughout Terra Firma and surrounding bodies of water.

The warning came after officials at the Bureau of Consular Affairs identified explicit dangers in the 196,939,900 square-mile area, ranging from excessive rates of murder and sexual violence, political unrest, terrorism, economic and social instability, to threats of infectious disease and increased chance of natural disasters including hurricanes, floods and radioactive tsunamis. Continue Reading

Woods Hole, MA – (SatireWorld.com) – After reviewing almost 5,000 digital photographs taken from inside the sunken luxury liner the Titanic, a Woods Hole scientist has concluded that there were survivors who lived inside the ship for up to five years after it slipped beneath the waves on April 14th, 1912. Continue Reading

It’s official. The Fiscal Cliff has overtaken Niagara Falls as America’s favorite tourist destination.

District of Columbia Mayor Vincent Gray was delighted to announce that his city is home to the newest Washington attraction.

“Given that we’ve got all those monuments and the Smithsonian,” said Gray. “It’s a thrill to see so many people lining up to look over the Fiscal Cliff.” Continue Reading

The following is the actual Constitution of Uzupis, a part of the City of Vilnius, Lithuania that has declared independence from Vilnius, from Lithuania and apparently from the entire world in 1997.

An artist conclave, they have their own elected mayor and Cabinet, their own currency, their own passports and, until they all decided to go get a beer, their own standing army. Continue Reading

Alaska is the land of pristine beauty, untouched by humankind, except for those dirty Russians, Sarah Palin, Exxon-Mobil, and the random arctic hillbilly hiding out from the federal government. But there are plenty of reasons to live here, and rather than tell you what they are, we’re just going to provide a photograph and call that good enough. Continue Reading

Airports, seeking to get more money out of passengers exiting through their gates on international flights, have come up with inventive new ways of sucking the money out of their pockets.

RIGHT: This is not a video, but a photo… but you can go on and keep clicking it if you like.

Most airports have already come up with the ingenious method of taking away all possible drinkable liquids under the assumption that Al Queda has developed a potent bomb made out of liquid that looks, smells and tasted like tap water, thus leaving the parched departee having to drink out of bathroom toilets and to lick his own sweat to avoid passing out (please note that long flights cause dehydration, a fact the dirty birds are well aware of.) Continue Reading

THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF UZUPIS – In 1991 the people of Lithuania declared their independence from the Soviet Union. In 1997 the people of Uzupis, a district of Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, declared their independence from Lithuania and got it, sort of.

Uzupis is a quiet part of town on the far side of the Vilnele River, east of the old town of Vilnius. It is a small district composed of a hill with the Vilnele wrapping around three of its bordering sides.

RIGHT: The editor responsible for placing this photo has no idea what it is or what it’s supposed to mean, so settled on “High Five for Uzupis!”(CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

For centuries it was the neglected part of town, lacking in simple amenities like running water.

It was often the home for prostitutes, squatters and other undesirables. During Soviet times artists started to move in and make it theirs. After the throwing off the Russians things continued to simmer in Uzupis until finally on April 1, 1997 (please note the other famous significance of this particular day- it is no coincidence) they declared themselves a free state.

A Constitution was drafted, their own flag created, a President and Cabinet elected, their own currency and anthem created and a standing army of 11 to 14 hardy souls enlisted (since disbanded, probably from lack of usage.)

The Constitution of Uzupis is unique in the congresses of the world as we know it. Some of its dictates are:

Everyone has the right to die, but it is not an obligation.

Everyone has the right to make mistakes.

Everyone has the right to be happy.

Everyone shall remember their name.

Everyone is responsible for his freedom.

Everyone has the right to understand nothing.

Everyone has the right to appreciate his importance.

Uzupis appears to be doing better than in its sewerless days. Today here are nice shops, banks and restaurants there. The constitution is proudly displayed on a street wall in multiple languages along with the open hand symbol that stands for Uzupis.

A statue of an egg as symbol for the town has now been replaced by a more formal angel trumpeting the creative freedom of Uzupis, the egg having been moved to another local.

Another popular statue, that of a mermaid perched on a shelf, took a swim during a flood one year, and, once recovered, was given a safer perch to attend.

The hand with a hole in it is the symbol for the town and also makes up the Uzupis flag. It stands for the philosophy that in Uzupis no one can take anything from anyone else because the item taken would fall though the hole in the hand. Continue Reading

Bwanna, Kenya – (SatireWorld.com)

Game preserve officers tracked down and killed a 45 foot long crocodile today after it was seen leaving a village it decimated during an evening celebration. The reptile is being reported as the ‘world’s largest crocodile.’

First reports claimed upwards of 50 native villagers were eaten, but game warden Benji Wonamoto said the final body count was 75 and maybe more. Continue Reading

Reports that several people witnessed Time ‘flying’ have caused panic in the air-safety conscious offices of commercial airlines.

In a press release addressed to all governments and signed by all major airline unions, it has been stated that, if the sightings are true, if Time is allowed to fly without proper air clearance and regulation all airlines will ground their planes in strike.

The statement also snapped bitterly at Time, implying that the flaunting of flying time was a deliberate aggravation of the airlines pre-existent difficulties with Time.

“All airline companies have had an inability to keep a grasp on Time, often sighting that it has deliberately skipped forward three hours so that they are inundated with complaints from passengers saying their flight has been ‘delayed’. When in reality the plane has been right there on the tarmac ready for take off the whole time.” said Dr Jon Henderson who has a PHD in Time-Airline Relations (TAR).

The hastily written statement comes after several witnesses where having a fun night out in a local bar at approximately 7:35pm. Amy, 29, told us “…I checked my watch and it said 7:40pm and then when I checked again it was 9:56pm. I showed my friend Alison and by the time she looked it was 11:38pm! I couldn’t believe my eyes.”

Another witness at the scene told us he saw it in the sky ‘whizzing’ passed and felt a little ‘giddy’, “I had such a great night and for Time to fly passed was such an amazing feeling, like a whirlwind of laughing and drinking.”

Dr Hendeson speculated that the airlines are concerned about how the Time flights made people feel and that they can be enjoyed for free “…having not been able to replicate any sort of happiness within their companies, it’s tough competition for them.”

National Park Service Bulletin-(SatireWorld.com) – The Department of the Interior has rolled out its first big celebration in many years as they officiate the opening of America’s first new national park in almost 40 years. Continue Reading

In the wake of several recent misadventures, it was announced today all major cruise lines will end their affirmative action programs, effective immediately. Leisure industry analysts say some response was expected, but the move may be too late to reduce cancellations, at least in the short term.

Investment giant Rosencrantz & Guildenstern’s Gordon Gekko summed up the challenges ahead for the cruise lines. Continue Reading

Los Angeles – GlossyNews.com – Oceanic Airlines has announced plans to institute a surcharge ranging from $5.00 to $57.50 for passengers transporting books which exhibit existential angst, says company spokesperson Macine Galvertson.

“In the future a hefty surcharge will be levied upon those passengers transporting heavy works of philosophy on board our airplanes,” she says. “In particular, passengers bringing onboard works of extreme existential angst will be subject to surcharges, the exact amount depending upon the particular philosophical work in question.” Continue Reading

For those wishing to explore the back country of Denali National Park in Alaska, one of the requirements that park rangers insist upon is that avid hikers pack their food in a bear-proof container. Unfortunately, this small, barrel-shaped container also proves itself to be human proof if you don’t carry a screwdriver with you to open it.

Does anyone see the problem with this? Continue Reading