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A Serial Ponytail Yanker’s Lasso of Truth Interview [Full Censored Transcript, 13 April 2015]

A Serial Ponytail Yanker’s Lasso of Truth Interview [Full Censored Transcript, 13 April 2015]

Caption Text Goes Here: Honest John: Under the influence of the Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.

This shocking suppressed interview with the prime minister of the New Zealand realm, John Phillip Key (AKA ‘the Smiling Assassin’), delves deeper into the reasons underpinning the bullying of a waitress by the country’s leader. It was conducted by The New Zealand Herald’s editor, Shayne Currie, who had his ‘plumber mates’ break in to the world headquarters of Snoopman News Group to steal the most coveted treasure of the media world, Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.

Snoopman News learned who was behind the break-in, because journalists can’t keep secrets. We confronted Currie, who disclosed that because his newspaper had the scoop on the story of New Zealand’s prime minister’s ponytail-pulling harassment, he said it was crucial to know the truth to better keep track of how it was going to be bent, since gossip columnist Rachel Glucina would create a warped narrative to protect the prime minister.

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Shayne Currie:
I’ve read a draft of Amanda Bailey’s [the harassed waitress] account. She mentions the power disparity at play, wherein she is a waitress, and you’re the prime minister, with the protection of two body-guards and in the company of your wife on each of your visits to the Hip Group franchised café, Rosie. She asserts that after you’d pulled her ponytail on numerous occasions, and she’d made it clear by her body language that she didn’t like having her hair pulled, you continued to tug her ponytail. Why did you repeatedly pull waitress Amanda Bailey’s hair like a naughty three year-old?

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Operation Ponytail: ‘The Ponytail Girl’ was used to to test a new political technique – Targeted Affection Encounters for Voter Capture (TAEVC).

John Key: [Chuckles] One reason is we’re experimenting with a new touchy-feely public relations model called Targeted Affection Encounters for Voter Capture (TAEVC), which takes the manipulation of politicians kissing babies to ‘next level’. As you know, National’s [Key’s political party] public relations firm is Crosby Textor. It’s a bit of an Anglo-Saxon political party favourite. Crosby Textor noticed I had a slight hair fetish, called Trichophilia, especially for young fillies, and they saw how we could exploit it by morphing it into the ‘Nice Guy Key’ Brand that we had manufactured for my political assent.

SC: So, Crosby Textor figured this new ‘stock in political-horse trade’ trick could make the Trichophilia appear like fatherly affection, care and attention?

steve3 JK: Exactly! It was genius.

A Fetish Outing: People thought it was wee bit weird

But didn’t realise this behaviour going ‘next level’.

But didn’t realise this behaviour going ‘next level’.

SC: But, how would the serial hair-pulling of a waitress help your political party’s re-election bid and beyond? I mean, the waitress claims that she became more direct with her brush-offs, and you then pretended it was your wife Bronagh doing the hair-pulling. Was that like a change of game plan to get ‘a rise’ [heighten the tension] out of her, so you could brag about it with your investment class supporters?

JK: Yep. The idea was that I’d push it into a public social setting, where I’d get more, more, more, you know, triple-more tipsy and brag about my antics-before and after-dark – for hours – because as Bill English has told journalists, I love to natter at length because I have a big ego.

SC: Let me get this straight. Brag to who exactly?

JK: Brag to National’s hardcore primary constituency, the big donors, who take ‘male entitlement’ as a given, since the term actually means boys and men expect women to serve and be submissive to jerks like us.

SC: But, why?

JK: My antics were signaling to male capitalists that I have the politics of the struggling working class firmly in hand.

This was especially important to do after getting the Employment Relations Amendment bill passed into law last year, which Bronagh and I needed to fire our house-cleaner because she did nothing around our thirteen million-dollar mansion, as I mentioned to the president of the New Zealand Council of Trade Unions Helen Kelly when she met me to express concerns over the employment bill.

So bragging about my ponytail pulling antics made my bad-ass reputation among the Male Entitlement Fraternity [or ‘the Old Boys Network’] shoot upward.

SC: So, the audience for the hair-tugging antics was like an inside track while the wider public crowd only saw the Nice Guy Key stuff.

JK: Yup. We dubbed it Split Enz. [Key guffawing and snorting]

SC: Mean. What about contingencies?

More Cat than Prime Minister: English comedian John Oliver mocks ‘no drama’ John Key for his creepy serial bullying.

More Cat than Prime Minister: English comedian John Oliver mocks ‘no drama’ John Key for his creepy serial bullying.

JK: If my hair-yanking antics went wrong, I’d have that triple-more tipsy cover-story and I could say ‘I was just horsing around’. [Extensive chuckling by both 11 year-old men]

IdealWorldKeyPonyTailHorse.png goes here

Caption Text Goes Here – Horsing Around: John Key’s public relations firm, Crosby Textor, likes cheesy puns.

SC: So, you’re saying National insiders and Crosby Textor conspired to target a waitress and harass her to the limit?

JK: Hell yes! We called it Operation Ponytail. We capitalists love to torment muggles and hobbits, because they actually have to work to survive, since over the last 10 centuries we’ve driven them off their native lands the world-over. [Currie sniggering and sounds of him scribbling notes]. That’s the story that J.K. Rowling and Peter Jackson have failed to tell in their epic sagas.

SC: Where was Bronagh [John Key’s wife] in all this?

JK: Bronagh would tell me to stop it and leave the poor girl alone. And then the waitress chick told my body-guards she’d ‘one day snap and punch me in the face.’ At a subsequent encounter, as I was settling the bill with an autographed cheque that I know they’ll never cash – like Dali used to do – and I approached ‘the ponytail girl’, making the Jaws theme tune, with my hands raised high like I was trying to ‘get a tug on’ [or yanking her hair]. She asked, “is it self defence, with your security here, if I have to physically stop you from touching me?” And I grinned my Smiling Assassin grin [Lengthy chuckling on BASF tape], and I countered, “defence against what?”, guffawed Key.

JK’s Apology Wine: Waitress says New Zealand’s PM gave her these bottles to feign sincerity.

JK’s Apology Wine: Waitress says New Zealand’s PM gave her these bottles to feign sincerity.

SC: That… sounds psychopathic. [Currie snickering, Key snorting]. So, you’re not concerned that this Ponytail scandal unravels Brand Key?

JK: Look, you know as well as I do that New Zealand’s mainstream media pull their punches when it comes to me and my pro-corporate party. The Parliamentary Press Corp are still under my spell since that time I charmed them with a cake I made on a flight aboard an Air Force Orion transporter to China in April 2013. The reef fish [parliament-beat reporters] contracted a variation of Stockholm Syndrome and behaved like five year-olds at a birthday party.They still feel weird about it when they brush their teeth.

SC: I mean, Nicky Hager’s book Dirty Politics exposed your political party’s two-track communications strategy, wherein your party machine manufactured your ‘Nice Guy’ persona, while the same machine outsourced dirty political attacks to right wing bloggers, with the complicity of the mainstream media.

JK: Yes. And your newspaper was complicit in that process Shayne, so stop trying to occupy the middle cross among ‘sinners’.

SC: And your political party pursued that two-track communications strategy knowing it would hurt left-wing political parties first because ‘lefty’ voters tend to have sissy feelings about everythi-

JK: Including the homo idea that politics ought to be fair, mature and above-board. Look, when we survived the Dirty Politics scandal through the last election campaign, our first thought was how do we capitalize on how zoned out the New Zealand population is and amplify it even more.

SC: Even for an ex-London and Wall Street banker, taking such risks seems out of proportion to the pay-off.

JK: Well, besides being an enormous amount of fun, you have to understand that New Zealand is treated like a lab by the rulers of the world, the Illuminati, who have an obsessive-compulsive disorder to embody the Cult of World Domination. The Illuminati have been variously identified over time as, the Fraternity, the Grid, and the Committee of 300 [They self-identify as the Olympiards, according to former MI6 agent, John Coleman].

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Knowing his Place: Key didn’t dare tug on the royal ponytail of Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge (AKA Kate Middleton) during the landlord’s inspection of the New Zealand realm in 2014.

 

SC: So, muggles and hobbits are conditioned to think it’s just conspiracy theory that there’s a group behind the curtain, like in The Wizard of Oz, manipulating events and steering the world along toward colliding crises?

JK: Pretty much. The movie The Usual Suspects, starring Kevin Spacey, is a cult-classic in the National party. We’ve taken the line, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist”, as a mantra.

SC: [Sniggering] How do you avoid getting confused between what is true and the lies you fabricate?

JK: Awww look, you need to use the truth as your reference point for ‘managing the optics’. There’s no doubt about it, lying gets complicated without such reference points first being surveyed to maintain the inherent logic of the copies of reality being manufactured. That holds true for any practitioners of ‘speed politics’ who possess a significant command of resources, as scholar in International Law Eric Wilson argues in Crimes Against Reality.

SC: So, what is it with the hair fetish?

JK: To be honest, since you have me tied up and I feel weirdly compelled to tell the truth for once, Amanda has a very tantalising ponytail. I like it when girls wear ponytails because of the way their neck looks, especially when they have that neck hair that won’t reach into the ponytail. [Pause] My party’s public relations firm Crosby Textor told me to add, ‘I’m wondering if I’m a bit gay or something? Go figure!’ Because they said that would rebuild sympathy with female voters. New Zealanders are such sucker-luckers for my manufactured down-to-earth persona.

Trick or Trichophilia: Convincing the world he is Nice Guy Key since 2006.

Trick or Trichophilia: Convincing the world he is Nice Guy Key since 2006.

SC: I’m going to loosen the rope so you can be ‘a-large’ again.

[As the interview ends, sounds of Key caressing and sniffing the rope can be heard]

JK: Is the rope made of hemp, or horse-hair?

SC: Ponytail hair.

JK: Filly girl’s hair? [Sounding excited]

SC: It may be make-believe girl’s hair or make-real girl’s hair. Whatever optical fantasy you want it to be John. We’re all in this together.

JK: Neigh! [Sounds of Key scuffing his shoe on the carpet

steve9

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New Dog Treat Introduced in Honor of Ghostbusters Reboot

New Dog Treat Introduced in Honor of Ghostbusters Reboot

St. Louis, Missouri – As the newest Ghostbusters film comes closer to fruition, more and more companies are releasing products that, in thought, will appeal to the everyday consumer who doubles as a Ghostbusterian.

The latest household name to join in on the ghost hunt? The Nestlé Purina PetCare Company with an innovative treat, featuring a new take on their original Beggin’ Strips that have gone unchanged since they debuted in 1993.

The new product, known as Bagans Strips, are still catered towards dogs and are named after the late TV star and former host of the Travel Channel series, Ghost Adventurers, Zak Bagans. Continue Reading

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Harper Lee to publish sci-fi inspired “To Kill a Mockingbird” sequel

Harper Lee to publish sci-fi inspired “To Kill a Mockingbird” sequel

Over 50 years after her last novel, it was announced today that reclusive author Harper Lee will have a new title gracing bookshelves later this year.

Mockingbird II: The Revenge is currently set for a blockbuster Summer 2015 release. Asked why the decision to release a sequel now after so many years, Lee responded simply with the word, “cash.”

A graphic companion novel entitled 2 Kill 2 Mockingbirdz is also rumored to be in the works, as well as a Mockingbird-themed mobile app for iOS and Android. Continue Reading

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Glossy News In Deep Doo-Doo Over Disney- Star Wars Movie Hacking

Glossy News In Deep Doo-Doo Over Disney- Star Wars Movie Hacking

Glossy News, a top genetically altered news website on the Internet, has suddenly found itself in over its head in a lawsuit filed by the behemoth Disney Corporation.

It seems that Glossy last month published an article exposing the top secret plot outline for the new Star Wars movie, the first in an alleged trilogy of the famous Sci Fi series (see ‘SCOOP- Glossy News Gets The Script For The New Disney Star Wars Movie’ from Dec. 3, 2014). Continue Reading

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America Responds To Kim Jong Un; “Thank You For Saving Us From Watching This Stupid Stoner Movie”

America Responds To Kim Jong Un; “Thank You For Saving Us From Watching This Stupid Stoner Movie”

Americans were especially thankful to North Korea and Kim Jong Un this Holiday season for saving them from watching yet another stupid pot-head movie.

“It saved me ten bucks in ticket prices and another eight in popcorn and soda,” stated John Gawker from Greeley Colorado. “Watching movies like this is like riding a sled downhill and purposely plowing into trees! It gives you the same sort of headache.” Continue Reading

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Sony Counter-Hacks North Korea: All 23 Computers Go Dark

Sony Counter-Hacks North Korea: All 23 Computers Go Dark

On December 21st the entire Internet in North Korea was shut down by a major cyber attack. (Note- a major cyber attack in the Communist state would be the equivalent of accidentally pulling out your plug on an old Commodore computer in any other country, say Peru). Continue Reading

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Free Speech Freaks Given New Hope in Ribbing North Korea

Free Speech Freaks Given New Hope in Ribbing North Korea

Prominent, but still sub-viral site GlossyNews.com has launched a Go Fund Me campaign to create a free-to-dowload video criticizing the regime.

The goal is to create a wicked, biting satirical film criticizing the totalitarian dynastic regime in North Korea.

The film would feature paid actors, paid crew and a tight production schedule. Continue Reading

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North Korea Bankrupt After Costs from Sony Hack

North Korea Bankrupt After Costs from Sony Hack

North Korea has gone bankrupt from its massive hacking assault on Sony Pictures.

The intrusion into the depths of Sony’s Corporation was ignited by their new film ‘The Interview’ which features two bumbling tabloid newsmen who are given the mission of assassinating North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un.

This indiscretion infuriated the real Jong Un who immediately funneled the entire countries anemic economy into the hacking barrage that exposed many of Sony’s secret files including high level employee wages (which shocked Jong Un in that one executive’s salary alone equals the entire gross national product of North Korea for a year), insulting emails about famous stars (which also encindered the Prez as some were about his secret fantasy love Jennifer Aniston), and photos of Seth Rogen in his underwear (which the Exalted One kept for his private collection). Continue Reading

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SCOOP! Glossy News Gets Script from New Disney Star Wars Movie!

SCOOP! Glossy News Gets Script from New Disney Star Wars Movie!

Forget the stingy, 88-minute trailer just put out, we got the real scoop!

Our intrepid, rat-like reporters just got the biggest story of the whole millennium (and that includes the Millennium Falcon!)- we copped the script from the new Star Wars movie still in production!

Here is a summary of the plot: Continue Reading

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‘What Dreams Shall Come’ – A Spoof Tribute To Robin Williams

‘What Dreams Shall Come’ – A Spoof Tribute To Robin Williams

Suicides where always a pain for Detective Malny. Always ugly. Always depressing, although he never let that show.

This one especially.

Robin Williams.
One of the most famous comics ever.
The guy who always made people laugh.
Found hanging by a belt. By his own hands.

He was met at the house by Detective Tromsa, one of the first ones on the scene, someone he had worked with often before.

“Hello. It looks like we got a big one today.”

“Yeah, we sure do. Robin Williams. It’s pretty obvious he killed himself.”

Malny backed up and looked over the house. “Of all people.”

“Yeah, said Tromsa. “You wouldn’t expect it from him.”

“You never know.” said Malny. ‘Sometimes these people have things going on that no one realizes. No evidence of foul play?”

“None. It is pretty obvious that it is simply a suicide.”

“Any note or anything?

‘No, just his cell phone.”

“Anything on it?”

“Haven’t looked yet.”

“Let’s check that out.” (They talk as Tromsa investigates the phone messages.) I was never a big fan of his, but he seemed like a decent guy.’

“Yeah. But he got into the typical Hollywood cocaine crap. That could have something to do with it. It looks like he went into rehab a month ago. His wife also said he has been diagnosed with Parkinsons.”

“Ooh. That will do it. That’s that same thing that Micheal J. Fox has, isn’t it?”

“I believe so.” said Tromsa. “That would be enough to send anyone over the edge.” He scans the telephone as he talks. “I’ve seen a couple films of his that were good. Good Will Hunting was great. Not his typical role. He had to play it pretty straight. La Cage Aux Folles was a hoot. He played this gay cabaret owner with Gene Hackman as his straight brother in law.”

“Ha! That must have made for some fireworks!”

“Yeah! And the weird part of it was Williams wasn’t his usual manic self. He was more subdued!”

“You are kidding? Playing a gay guy?”

“Yup, playing a gay guy. You would think he would go all out on that one.”

“I liked a couple of his too.” admitted Malny. “Good Morning Vietnam was good. Then he did a weird one called What Dreams May Come where he dies and goes to heaven…”

“Oh yeah! And he meets Cuba Gooding there who is his guide. That was a trippy one. Incredible scenery of heaven. He finds out his wife has gotten depressed and killed herself and he searches for her.”

‘Yeah, that was a wild movie. The special effects were unbelievable.”

“I really liked that one. It was beautifully made……..” Tromsa trails off, looking at the phone. “That is strange.”

“What is it?”

“There is a message here from Williams himself it looks like.’

“A phone message?”

“No, a text message.”

“What is so strange about that?”

“The time of his death was around midnight. This message is from 4 AM.”

“What? Are you sure it is from Williams himself?”

“That or from someone using his phone.”

“What does it say?”

Lines deepen on Tromsas face. “What Dreams May Come is true!’

“That;s bizarre! And it has Williams own number attached to it?”

It sure looks that way.” said Tromsa.

“Let me see.” he takes the phone. “Someone must be making a joke.”

“Who would have known about his death?”

“Wait a minute! There is a message coming through right now!”

“A text?”

“Yes.”

“What does it say”

Malny is silent as he reads the message. Finally, in a hushed voice he says “What Dreams May Come is real. I can see it now for myself. I apologize for leaving the mess.”

Tromsa gazes down at the phone in his hand. “What number is on display?”

“Williams own.” says Malny breathlessly.

The men both fall silent as they stare down at the phone. Finally Malny says something. “Unlisted number?”

‘Yes.”

“No one outside the family and his assistant know about his death?”

“Yes.”

Malny looks at Tromsa. ‘I don’t think I am going to report this.”

“Good idea.” replies Tromsa.

Both of the men, each of them well seasoned LA cops, turn to go about their work, both a bit paler than usual, both with unvoiceable questions coming to the forefront of their thoughts.

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Harry Potter Breaks Hollywood Gag-clause, Stuns World Leaders into Unscheduled Epic Three Minutes of Silence

Harry Potter Breaks Hollywood Gag-clause, Stuns World Leaders into Unscheduled Epic Three Minutes of Silence

Harry Potter breaks Warner Brothers contractual gag-clauses. The wizard reveals What Must Not Be Spoken in the News Media Anywhere in the Muggle World.

Here, for the first time, the shocking truth behind why one of the world’s most famous wizards was forced to live a double life as Daniel Radcliffe in the Muggle World since he signed with the Hollywood movie studio.

Potter spoke on the record with investigative journalist Sophia-Bigg-Storm about how the White House-Hollywood-Military-Media Propaganda Complex censored all wizards and witches who appeared in the Harry Potter movies from talking about a 900-year old Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War waged for financial control of the Muggle World.

Credit Conjurer: Ex-Wall Street & London banker, John Key, as New Zealand’s prime minister uses his Money Tree Wand to borrow $300m a week from a “foreign pixie” to keep the economy ‘solvent’.

Credit Conjurer: Ex-Wall Street & London banker, John Key, as New Zealand’s prime minister uses his Money Tree Wand to borrow billions from a “foreign pixie” to keep the economy of Lorde’s homeland ‘solvent’.

By Sophia Bigg-Storm, 13 August 2014

Raining on the Dark Wizards’ Parades

Wizard Harry Potter has shocked the Dark Forces of the Magical Realm that rule over the Muggle World.

The shock is not so much because Harry Potter spoke about the double life he has lived as Daniel Radcliffe in the Muggle World since he signed with the Warner Brothers movie studio to make the Harry Potter film series. Every muggle kid over the age of big six has worked this out and told their parents, but they have been disbelieved by their ‘know-betters’.

Rather, Potter has rocked the White House-Hollywood-Military-Media Propaganda Complex because he has spoken to a non-aligned news-outlet located in the Muggle World about an epic war being fought between Dark Wizards and Goblins. (It is a war fought mostly between males, because they dominate the top positions of banking and other major institutions; a fact which is a major gap in feminist scholarship due to the Ministry of Magic’s censorship power over education in the Muggle World).

This war has intensified in the last four decades. In short, the magical creatures are using their powers in a clichéd fight over the politics of money.

Potter stated that Warner Brothers movie studio had written gag-clauses into all the wizards and witches contracts, including his and his co-stars’ – witch, Hermione Granger and wizard, Ron Weasley. The Hollywood executives anticipated as the magically-gifted stars grew older, they would learn about the Wizard-Goblin’s Bankers’ War and likely try to alert entertainment-hungry naïve muggles about it. The wizard said they tried on numerous occasions to tell muggle reporters, but they would think the three young wizards were playing on the accepted separation between make-believe and make-real.

Furthermore, Potter explained key insiders of the world’s major news outlets have access to the major magical-stream media newspaper, the Daily Prophet, and like the world’s political leaders, they are well-briefed on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

The wizard said these key insiders were offered interviews with numerous wizards and witches, but all rebuffed the opportunities, except The Washington Post, whose dyslexic reporting duo, Bob Woodward Jnr and Carl Bernstein Jnr, fantasized about scooping Magicgate, but they became becaged with fear and ‘chickened-out’ at the last minute.

Moreover, Potter’s interview with the non-aligned news outlet Snoopman News in Auckland New Zealand, was sent to all the world’s major news outlets via the Daily Prophet newspaper and a planet-wide muggle media blackout on the scoop followed. We also contacted our secret sources in the Obama administration, who checked White House transcripts of phone calls, memos and other communications that are currently blocked from being ritualistically leaked. Those sources confirmed Harry Potter’s story, but could not risk providing communications at this time.

Fraternal Friends: The world’s major muggle-stream media outlets maintain a black-out on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

Fraternal Friends: The world’s major muggle-stream media outlets maintain a black-out on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

Because of this worldwide censorship by unofficial means, numerous Light-working Wizards and Witches decided that it was time to break the Ministry of Magic’s law. That law stipulates that wizard and witches Must Not Reveal the Magical Realm to the Muggle World. But, the Light-working Wizards and Witches decided that unless they did, muggles would certainly become enslaved forever by debt, which had been sneakily added, like death and taxes, to life.

To this end, Harry Potter was sent via a hi-speed magnetized train network that runs through a natural tunnel labyrinth within the Earth’s crusty rock, to a far-flung outpost of the American Empire, the New Zealand ‘rock-star’ economy, where all musicians get by making coffee, not music. Except purple-lipped Lorde, who was chosen to be Queen Bee so that middle-class bees would channel their futile upper-class aspirations into consumer identity projects to keep the over-hyped economy working for the rich.

Potter said, “We’ve been extremely concerned about the fight between Dark Witches and Wizards and their enemies, the Goblin Bankers for some time.” A capitalist fraternity of Dark Wizards and Witches had struggled, throughout time and between the magical and muggle realms, with Goblin bankers for world domination, the wizard actor said.

World Domination by Finance

The famous wizard said that the American Empire has used its military power to force or coerce nearly every country in the world to trade oil in US dollars, during an interview that took place at night on the mean streets of Auckland, New Zealand’s largest city, in the middle of a week-long storm.

Harry Potter said, “[t]he US dollar, which has been the world’s unofficial world currency since World War II, is backed by the United States’ muggle military, and not gold or silver as it has been at various times.” By making the US dollar the central currency to trade oil, the world has, in effect, been financing the Dark Wizard’s militarization of the far-flung planet, Potter explained.

Presidential War Tree Wand: Obama carries the war wand when in transit in case the Dark Wizards order another war.

Presidential War Tree Wand: Obama carries the war wand when in transit in case the Dark Wizards order another war.

As audacious as that plot is, the Fraternity of Dark Wizard bankers and their rival Goblin bankers have burdened the world with debt to the tune of over $100 trillion. Potter stated, “The Fraternities of Dark Wizard and Goblin Bankers have captured most nation states during the last nine centuries through wars and terrorism, and other forms of traumatizing drama, including financial, economic and psychological warfare, with religious beliefs playing a major supporting role.

Their purpose has been to ensure that spineless governments borrow off the spiffily-dressed bankers, rather than control the issuance of the currencies and credit through their dimly-lit state treasuries, Potter said. As a result, most governments lack the sovereign power to supply their jurisdictions with the right proportion of debt-free currency and interest-free credit to facilitate the creation of resilient, sustainable and peaceful grown-up societies.

It gets worse.

Banks as Tools of Conquest

The rivalrous Dark Wizards and Goblin Bankers all over the world ensure the supply of cash is scarce. “Due to this enforced scarcity, most muggles are restricted from earning enough and they are coerced to borrow from the banking fraternities,” Potter said. “So, muggles toil away without realizing that darkly magical bankers are the great masters of central planning. Hitler would have creamed his Hugo Boss trousers if he’d been able to recruit the worst of them.”

Gringotts Bank, City of London: Knows Who’s Who of Richest in the Magical Realm and Muggle World That Bankers Must Not Name.

Gringotts Bank, City of London: Goblins Know Who’s Who of Richest in the Magical Realm and Muggle World That Bankers Must Not Name.

The Light-working wizard stated the Dark Wizard and Goblin bankers do not actually lend money they have when they brazenly make loans. It turns out that credit is simply magical money conjured into existence out of annoyingly thin air at the time naïve muggle ‘borrowers’ agree to make payments in the future to service the ‘loan’.

Sellers of goods and services bought on credit deposit the credit funds throughout the banking system. These funds get counted as new deposits. Low-level bean-counters, posh auditors and bank fraud units with 1980′s furniture have yet to cotton on to this system-wide swindle, Potter said. “Because they’ve learned their professions by rote-learning, instead of retaining a famously four-year old’s ‘But, why?’ curiosity, they fail to question where the money came from to inflate these massive credit bubbles.”

The sneaky banks use the deposits, “to buy interest-bearing treasury securities, corporate bonds and other financial instruments, like shares” to ‘earn’ easy income off, lamented the wizard-actor. It is upon that base of deposits that banks make new ‘loans’, also conjured into existence out of annoyingly thin air.

“What this means,” explained Potter, “is that the entire hexed Muggle race is forced to compete for the cash that the Dark Wizard and Goblin bankers keep scarce, in order to try to make enough money to pay the ‘loans’ and interest.”

“Because the Dark Capitalist Wizards, Witches and Goblins are so well-connected to their magical insiders working in politics, judiciaries, militaries, royal palaces, academia, ecclesiastical and media institutions, their spells over muggles are tricky to break”, Potter said with a raised eyebrow, indicating he could hardly believe how this brazen dark network of ‘has-beens’ has been able to fool even self-important low-level bean counters. “What’s more, the alliances can be blurred because you get some who empathize with their official enemy because of the universal magic power that jolts even muggles out of their rigidity: love.”

Dark Royalty Blood

We reached Britomart Train Station in downtown Auckland, New Zealand, and stepped into the wall at Platform 3 and One Third. We were now among the hubbub of the magical world in the underground Transcontinental Train Transport station where trains run on time due to the charm, Give-a-Shitus (New Zealand magical slang for caring).

Potter retrieved his wand and with the drying charm, exaresco, he made us dry again. We said goodbye. I saw what I thought was childrens’ purple water-colour paint on the pavement. “Purple paint!” I blurted to escape embarrassment of the fan-girlish feeling that came over me.

Harry followed my gaze and exclaimed, “Wizard blood … or witch blood.”

“I thought witch and wizard blood was red,” I said.

“Not Dark Royalty blood,” said Potter, as we both tracked the purple blood splotches that started where I stood and led to the super-fast magnetic propulsion train, which took only three hours to travel to the opposite side of the planet. “It’s always purple!”

Dark Wizard or Witch Blood? A sign that a wounded Dark Royal boarded the fast train back to London.

Dark Wizard or Witch Blood? A sign that a wounded Dark Royal boarded the fast train back to London.

Potter boarded. “Be careful Harry,” I called. “New Zealand’s darkly magical fraternity can be vile when drunk.”

I could see him following the trail of blood up an aisle, with his wand ready to zap at danger.

Potter swung around and I jumped. He opened a window. “Hermione wrote up notes and a list of references for you to use with the interview,” Potter called out, handing me a notebook with a green owl on the cover.

We both laughed hard. Harry Potter closed the carriage window a moment before the train bolted into the night throwing him hard against a seat.

I realized then that Harry Potter is one of the bravest, big-hearted people I have met. It would be shallow to write-off the risks that Potter takes simply because he is gifted with magical powers. To think that would mean to be suckered into the media persona conjured by J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers.

Most people of privilege, including middle-class muggles, are too scaredy-cat to investigate the truth behind ‘the news’ themselves.

Whereas, Harry Potter is using his privilege to help zoned-out muggles see that what little freedom they have is in peril and to believe in their own source of magic: intuition, imagination and inquisitiveness.

Not Just Fiction: Wizard Harry Potter slipped away from his day-job at the Ministry of Magic’s Auror Office, the magical agents who apprehend Dark Wizards.

Not Just Fiction: Wizard Harry Potter slipped away from his day-job at the Ministry of Magic’s Auror Office, the magical agents who apprehend Dark Wizards.

As I reached our world headquarters, where our researching elves were busy chatting on Facebook, I wondered what color would be used to depict witches’ blood in tampon and sanitary-pad commercials in the magical realm.

I told some of the elves that Harry Potter had recognized the purple blood of a wizard or witch. The elves, many of whom are studying Public Relations because it is lucrative, easy work to do undercover, stopped Face-booking only to ask if they could post the photos, without hearing the full story. They could get work as journalists anywhere in the world, I thought, especially since many reporters, who regard themselves as ninjas of the internet, no longer leave their desks.

The elves said they did not know what colour witches’ period blood would be depicted in commercials. But, they said it would certainly not be purple. Not with Wizards and male Goblins controlling darkly magical capitalism.

====================

Amazonian-American journalist Sophia Bigg-Storm tried to break the story that World I and World II were conjured by an Anglo-American Brotherhood who conspired to dominate the world by controlling oil and finance, through a system enforced by military aggression, subversion and other intrigues. Bigg-Storm’s investigations were suppressed by her former employer, The National Enquirer, a newspaper that movie critics think is just make-believe because it was depicted in the film Citizen Kane. She was recently gifted Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth on a recent holiday to her ancestral home of Paradise Island, which is driving other reporters mad with envy. SEE: Snoopman News http://snoopman.net.nz

SEE ALSO: Harry Potter’s Suppressed Interview (Edited Transcript) at: http://snoopman.net.nz/?p=1808

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Posted in Talky Pictures, World News0 Comments

The New Smash Hit Film- ‘Dawn Of The Planet Of Illegal Immigrants’!

The New Smash Hit Film- ‘Dawn Of The Planet Of Illegal Immigrants’!

The new Sci-Fi flick ‘Dawn Of The Planet Of Illegal Immigrants’ is taking the box office by storm! The latest sequel in the series that started with ‘Planet Of The Illegal Immigrants’ then continued with ‘Beyond The Planet Of The Illegal Immigrants’, ‘Escape From Planet Of The Apes’, ‘Planet Of The Illegal Immigrants Does Dallas’ and so forth. And the series shows no signs of slowing down. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Talky Pictures1 Comment

Seven Movies That Could Be Considered An Upgrade Upon The Books They Were Based Upon.

Seven Movies That Could Be Considered An Upgrade Upon The Books They Were Based Upon.

The constant thing said about movies based on books is always “how much better the book is.” On occasion, however, it does occur that the movie can go further than the book. A prime example of this is the sci-fi classic ‘2001 – A Space Odyssey’, the movie spectacular that transformed outer space movies from being campy kid stuff to being sleek, intelligent, well wrought adventures of the mind and spirit. The addition of HAL to the story, a renegade computer with the personality of C3PO and the cunning of Darth Vader, became a legendary sci fi ‘character’.
It is based on a short story called ‘The Sentinel’ by Arthur C. Clark, a genuine British scientist and renowned science fiction writer who helped director Stanley Kubrik write the screenplay which was considerable longer than the original story. Whereas the original story is perhaps a couple dozen pages long, the final novelization of the movie was book length long.

Tom Cruise had to give up a year and a half of his life to star in another Kubrik odyssey called ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ although the eyes of all the males in the audience were wide open when Tom’s real life wife Nicole Kidman opens the film with a strip tease in the very first scene. Later scenes amplified the amount of well maintained and proportioned naked female flesh that flattered the screen as Cruises character searches out a dirty rich men’s sex party complete with a June Tayler dancer like bit with all the luscious ladies a’ la buff’. Tom probably later regretted his long employment under Kubrik as he normally would have made several films in the same time which is proved by the Guiness Book of World records saying that ‘Eyes’ is the longest continuous made film ever made, taking 400 days to complete. Eyes ended up doing well in the theaters, taking in $162 million worldwide despite its strong sexual content. Kubrik himself although didn’t fare so well as he died five days after the film was finished.

‘Eyes Wide Shut’ is based upon an old German novella entitled ‘Dream Story’ by Arthur Schnitzler. It is a good and deep read, but without the depth and complexity that Kubrik gives it. Also it is minus the visuals of all the Playboy quality naked women. Strangely, Kubrik originally wanted to make the movie a comedy starring Woody Allen or Steve Martin.

‘Forrest Gump’ was the best selling book by Winston Groom. It concerns the unexpected adventures of a mentally diminished southern boy, who, despite his naivete and weak brain power, goes on to achieve minor miracles in his life. The film, with Tom Hanks embodying the half wit, gives it the star power that brought millions to view it. Director Zemeckis added his own touches to the story that gave it more dimension and spiced it with all the wonders that the radical 60’s had going. The crème of the cake was the rambunctious music of the time that gave Gump such great emotional appeal. Little Zemeckis touches made it scrumptious, such as Gump being edited into famous film footage of all the Presidents of the times. It also turns out that Gump was the unwitting author of many of the famous phrases we have grown up with including “Shit happens”.

One thing that the book has that the film doesn’t is that Forrest and Jenny “do it all over the place” where as in the movie they only ‘do it’ once–enough to produce a son. In the literary version he also gets to be an astronaut.
The film went on to be a huge hit internationally and has been included into the Library of Congresses national film registry as one of the greats of all time. A minor scandal ensued when it was realized that while Zemeckis and Hanks racked up big bucks with the film, Groom got diddly squat.

‘Polar Express’ is mostly a visually lavish childrens picture book with a bare bones story written and illustrated by Chris Van Allsburg. The tale of four children on their way to the North Pole was a winner as a book and a triumph of the imagination as a film. Director Zemeckis (again) turned it into a colorful opus using digital wizardry and the voice power of actor Tom Hanks (again), the same actor who sent Forest Gump off the charts. Whereas the book could be read in 5 minutes, the movie is a dazzling 100. The film also brought in $306 million dollars and was nominated for 3 Oscars–nothing to sneeze at, even if you are at the North Pole. Both the book and the movie are now considered to be Christmas classics.

All three of the latest Batman movies, ‘Batman Returns’, ‘The Dark Knight’ and ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ by director Christopher Nolan are heads and tails above the original comics in every way possible. While kudos must be given to inspireers Bob Kane and Bill Finger for inventing the masked avenger in the first place way back in 1939, it must be admitted that by today’s standards it was poorly drawn and a real basic story.

While the drawing and writing of the comic series has grown more sophisticated over the years, it took a major evolutionary leap with the publication of the ‘Dark Knight Returns’ by Frank Miller in 1986 transforming it from a cheap comic to an art form both literally and visually. But it is Nolan’s nuevo classic noir films that sent it into the stratosphere artistically. The films are story-wise greater with more depth and plot, more lavish in background and design, more sophisticated with content and inventions and more arresting to ones attention with the action and scenes. The Batman of Miller brought the Dark Knight into modern times, then Nolan propelled him into the inky-est of noirdom.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Talky Pictures5 Comments

Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering! Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America

Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering! Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America

Pyongyang, North Korea – Co-stars for the upcoming film, The Interview, James Franco and Seth Rogen find themselves boiling in a scalding cauldron of steamy garlic butter this week after their recent peace offering to North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, failed to compensate for the unfavorable plot in the film.

“Whenever you make a movie about killing a highly revered leader of another country, especially one that follows a Communist regime, there is going to be breadlash,” said International Film Analyst, Henry Sourdough. Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures, War Zone2 Comments

Seth MacFarlane’s Penis Found Dead

Seth MacFarlane’s Penis Found Dead

Seth MacFarlane, creator of such ground-breaking animated hits as “Family Guy” and “American Dad” discovered his own badly decomposed penis dead in a ravine in rural Arizona.

MacFarlane had reported his penis missing a week earlier. He stumbled upon it after sobering up from a drunken fugue state and discovering it missing along with his last shred of cinematic credibility. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Talky Pictures7 Comments

Godzilla: A Freaky Movie Review of a Freaky-Deaky Film

Godzilla: A Freaky Movie Review of a Freaky-Deaky Film

I’m going to tell you up right up front that I have been a Godzilla fan since the first time I laid eyes on The Man in The Rubber Suit.

Will Rogers has absolutely nothing on me: I’ve never met a Godzilla I didn’t like. And in that vein, I have to confess I loved this Godzilla!

I’m not saying this was a perfect movie. But, Godzilla has circled the cinematic world 32 times, making him a more prolific character than Dr. Who doing Die Hard movies. So give the guy a break. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures6 Comments

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