Responding to claims of racial insensitivity over the team name, NFL Redskins owner Dan Snyder embarked on a month long voyage of discovery to dozens of Native American Reservations.
In a widely distributed press release issued on Monday, Snyder said “As loyal fans of the Washington Redskins, I want you to know that tomorrow I will announce the creation of the Washington Redskins Original Americans Liquor Foundation.”
“During a mind numbing several weeks of discussions with Tribal leaders across the country, we touched on the lack of basic needs among red peoples such as proper housing, clean water and educational opportunities for Redskin youth. After these discussions I, along with executive team personnel, came to the conclusion the most pressing problem of Redskin Americans was the lack of access to premium liquor and liqueurs on easy credit terms.”
“For too long Native Indians have been forced to purchase sub par devil spirits from third world countries like Mexico and Canada. Consequently I have set up this Foundation, with a straw Board of Directors made up of Chiefs from Kansas City, to build Big Box liquor selling facilities on hundreds of Reservations.”
“We will stock only the finest of liquor from the best white distilleries in America and Europe and we sell them at AARP and AAA discounted prices. In addition, the Foundation will be producing its own brand of high octane, 200 proof white lightning which we have named “Wounded Knee” and a peach schnapps called “Pocahontus”.