Crayola Announces New “John Boehner Orange” Crayon Color

Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Read more Crayola Announces New “John Boehner Orange” Crayon Color

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Woman Sues Gigolo for Nonperformance

Vail, Col – GlossyNews.com – Bernice J. Sommerstein has sued ski instructor and self-proclaimed gigolo, Brad Chadley, for failing to perform according to an oral agreement entered into following Sommerstein’s ski lesson on February 3, asking $250 in monetary damages and $1 million for “extreme emotional distress”.

“Somebody should do something about these good-looking ski guys who prey upon us unsuspecting housewives,” says Sommerstein, who by most accounts, was not preyed upon. Read more Woman Sues Gigolo for Nonperformance

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London Rioters Disrupt Tea at the Ritz

Attendees at London’s plush Ritz Tearooms anticipating a quiet sojourn from the hustle and bustle of the city in order to discuss the cricket and deerstalking in the Highlands of Scotland almost choked on their crumpets as the Ritz was attacked by a group of rabid anarchists hell-bent on destruction.

The black clad marauders – their faces obscured by ski masks – smashed windows with metal poles and traffic signs. Anarchist symbols were spray painted all over the exterior as police struggled to control the mayhem. Read more London Rioters Disrupt Tea at the Ritz

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Losers Claim Win-Win Just a Ploy

Losers around the world are waking up today to the sad realization that regardless of what they’ve been told in school and the workplace, the win-win scenario just doesn’t exist. “It’s a ploy,” said Winton Gardensalad from Montauk, NY. “I played along for most of my life and look where it’s gotten me,” he said from the sad little 8 x 10 room he calls home at the Happy-go-Lucky Retirement Center. Read more Losers Claim Win-Win Just a Ploy

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UK Austerity Hits Royal Wedding Plans in the Face

Great Britain was left devastated today by the news that the government’s planned public spending review would be extended to include the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton next month. Until now the British public had born the news that their hospitals, schools, libraries and armed forces were to have their budgets slashed with gritty stoicism.

However news that the lavish celebrations for the marriage of the third in line to the throne, also funded by the taxpayer, were to be hit resulted in an outpouring of emotion. Read more UK Austerity Hits Royal Wedding Plans in the Face

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Elizabeth Taylor: “Heaven Too Awkward”, After Running Into 5 Ex-Husbands

Modern day journalistic prophets have announced Elizabeth Taylor was in heaven for no more than five minutes before the first complaints rolled in this morning.

Taylor, famous for her feisty temper, charitable nature and a career spanning five decades with a total of eight marriages, claimed “heaven wasn’t meant to be this freaky. If God was the real deal he’d have sent some of these cheating jerks to meet Satan.” Read more Elizabeth Taylor: “Heaven Too Awkward”, After Running Into 5 Ex-Husbands

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Subsidi-Farm Ramps up Medical Marijuana Production to Fund Libyan War

Cultivation of the US Government’s own strain of cannabis known as mellow-yellow by a government-sanctioned agricultural group known as Subsidi-Farm is being ramped up in order to help raise money for the latest war in Libya. The coffers are running dry when it comes to funding social programs, medical health programs and education, but with this latest source of income, the President hopes to stave off any criticism for borrowing more heavily from the Chinese to maintain our presence in 3 wars. Read more Subsidi-Farm Ramps up Medical Marijuana Production to Fund Libyan War

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