Just like the little ones, summer camp exists for tweens too. Here is a sampling of a couple of letters the tweens have written home to earn their “composition” badges.

Dear Kate (haha Mom),

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Did you know that Camp Swanomee is a boy/girl camp? I didn’t either, but hey, too late now, huh? I am having so much fun, I may not want to come home (OMG, LOL). Continue Reading

Glossy News, never too low to find new sources of information for you news hungry clowns, found the following letters in a number of trash cans throughout Beverly Hills:

Hi Mommy,

Greetings from Camp Wigwam. Did you know how dangris this camp was befor you sent me her?
Timmy my bunk buddey got bit my a snake today but dont worey, he aint dying or nothin.

Tomorrow we get to go rock climbing at the gorge. I know you aint religos, but plese say a prayer, ok?

In case I cant say it later, I love you a lot, mom, and don’t worey, I aint that scared.

Yur son,
Billy Continue Reading

Ok, kids, let’s look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father’s Day in a completely different light. Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it’s summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear. So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is in charge of taking care of you, the other kid in the household? Continue Reading

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — In an effort to reel in kiddies as early as they are able to watch television, the Fox Channel has begun the process of developing a Saturday morning kids’ show featuring Glenn Beck, invoking a stylistic reincarnation of Dick Dastardly, complete with pencil-thin handlebar mustache. While not yet written in stone, producers have tentatively named the show “The Tommy Truth-tacular Hour.” Continue Reading

SHAWNEE, KS (GlossyNews) — A Kansas mother is praising neighbor Nick Harris as “Superman” after her six-year-old daughter described how Harris found the strength to lift a car off her. The girl escaped with minor injuries after she was pinned under the vehicle. Continue Reading

ANAHEIM, CA (GlossyNews) — On March 17, 2010, a three-year-old boy shot his father, an LAPD officer, with a service revolver. The shooting occurred in the family’s pickup truck at a traffic stop in Anaheim. Investigators are still trying to determine how the child got hold of the weapon. The father remains in critical condition. Continue Reading

APPLETON, WI (GlossyKidsNews) – Despite attempts of wooing potential dates with dazzling wit and humor, Appleton East High School sophomore and champion “mathlete” Jon Henderson, appears to be striking out at love. “Girls should be throwing themselves at me after hearing my jokes about pi,” he complained yesterday. “They all took geometry last year, they should get it!” Continue Reading

Testors and Testes. To this day, those words are interchangeably linked in my mind, and so, I was ill prepared for the terror they would again conjure when my son, who just turned eight years old, asked the inevitable question, “Dad, where do model airplanes come from?”

It’s the question I’ve been dreading since little Harry, Jr. was old enough to realize that other kids had toys that you couldn’t just go to a toy store and buy, but came from a magical place and were proudly displayed on his friends’ toy shelves. Continue Reading

The latest Kafkaesque directive to be launched by the Brussels-based E-USSR is a super-intrusive questionnaire to be completed by the parents of 5-year old children who are ready to start school.

The dystopic European Bully Boy state’s interrogation sheet contains no less than an 83-point survey of autocratic snooping – failure to complete which might well see your kids snatched under the State’s totalitarian ‘Protective Child Care and Custody’ programme – and your sad Continue Reading

New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the thousands of Mall Santas across the country who are going into this holiday season woefully unprepared to face one of the deadliest flu viruses to hit the world in recent memory. “If Virginia were alive today,” said one jolly old elf, “she’d be at high risk of catching a deadly disease from her most beloved adult figure. Yes, Virginia, there is a swine flu-carrying Santa Claus after all.” Continue Reading

Worried about getting your youngsters a pet for Christmas – a cuddly kitten or puppy –then face the moral conscience dilemma of having to go and dump it up the arse end of the wilderness a few weeks later – to keep the legion of other evicted pets company – when the kids get tired of playing with it.

No problems anymore – technology has come to the rescue. The UK toy store shelves are chocker full of the latest and greatest in cuddly robotic pet innovations – Go-Go Pets – the “must-have” present for Christmas 2009. Continue Reading

Whiskey Creek, VA – Small independently-owned doll manufacturer, Patriate Pride, has announced a new line of dolls fashioned after the ideals of two of today’s most controversial conservative figures, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. In fact, the “Michele” doll and the “Sarah” doll will be the cornerstones of the new series, “Pretty Pride.” Continue Reading

JOB TITLE: FATHER CHRISTMAS / SANTA CLAUS

REF: ALU/62734

LOCATION: Lapland based / Worldwide distribution network

HOURS: Christmas Eve – Dusk til dawn

SHIFTS AVAILABLE: Second Shift, Graveyard Shift Continue Reading

Weird and bizarre nutritional claims come and go – alongside the passage of a Millennium’s ages – and too with the flight of short fickle seasons.

Raw mammoth meat provided our cave-dwelling ancestors with the virility and stamina to survive the last Ice Age. Continue Reading

Let me tell you about Oriole Jaffacake. He’s a very bright five-year old child and comes from a nice home. Oriole is extremely polite, courteous and a normal healthy boy in both mind and body – and has a friend called Semolina.

While Oriole is a British-born Indian Asian and Semolina O’Dinga a Brit’-born Central African Ugandan negro they are next door neighbours and attend the same class at the Smegmadale Elementary School for Latter Day Bigots. Continue Reading

A Smegmashire Church of England magazine – the Avenging Angel – has drawn severe criticism from the laity for describing people participating in traditional Halloween celebrations as “siding with the Devil”.

The Avenging Angel article also claims the children’s practice of ‘trick or treat’ is based on extortion and blackmail and encourages kids to pursue criminal careers as stockbrokers, bankers and politicians. Continue Reading

New York, NY - A Hoboken toy shop owner is suing a Chinese doll manufacturer for unspecified damages claiming that the “cursing” dolls he ordered “don’t even f**king talk.”

Hoping to cash in on the annual round of innocent dolls, i.e. Elmo, Jr., bought by parents that, when taken out of the packaging, are found to be hot-wired to say something off-color, and thereby adding to the doll’s value, Hal Hapless saw an ad in a doll trade magazine for “cursing” dolls made by a Chinese manufacturer and quickly ordered 10,000 of the dolls. Continue Reading

A six-year-old boy thought to have been carried away by a helium-filled weather balloon in Colorado was in fact hiding in the kitchen fridge – behind the remains of last Thanksgiving’s Day turkey, a Dorksborough County deputy informed Fux News.

Dorksborough Sheriff Billy Bob Moronsky later advised media reporters that apparently the youngster – Roland de Ratte – had been there the whole time. Continue Reading