The New York Stock Exchange rose 3,000 points yesterday when news finally reached the floor of mutant second graders taking charge of financial interests in this country.

Investment adviser, William Buffington III was reported hiding in a restroom stall, quivering while stammering, “The little brat just walked up and took my keyboard. I tried to stop him but he threatened me with a windshield wiper blade.” Continue Reading

Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Continue Reading

IBM is at it again, but this time their target for domination isn’t aimed at nerdy trivia buffs or intimidating chess masters. No, its electronic jaws are now chomping at the bit to take a megabyte out of sweet innocent little children.

The big story in science and technology this past week was the defeat of Jeopardy! champions Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter by a supercomputer named Watson. Continue Reading

London, England (Glossy News) – Paramedics arrived at London King’s Cross Railway Station on September 1st at 11:13 a.m. after a teenage boy of fourteen years cracked his scull in an attempt to get to platform 9¾ from the very popular Harry Potter books.

Devon Kinney and his mother, Debora Kinney were on their way to board a train to Manchester when Debora turned around to check the train schedules. “I had my back to him for a second, and then all the sudden I heard a huge bang, and I turned around to see Devon on the ground with his head bleeding profuse amounts of blood.” Continue Reading

Seattle, Ore. (Glossy News) - Mavis Gillard almost fainted when she opened her son’s bedroom door and caught David Jr. with what appeared to be a naked girl in bed.

A first she wanted to scream bloody murder, but on taking a closer look she knew something was more than a little odd. The Blond-haired vixen was made entirely of Lego blocks. The form was shockingly accurate in almost every detail, even down to the blue eyes and perfectly square 36dd breasts, typical for women with plastic augmentation.

Mavis’ husband Bernie wasn’t as kind as he grilled Johnny over the use and reason for what was later referred to as, ‘Barbara Big Boobs.’

“She’s my friend and yes, we do have sex, sorta… Who cares, my friends like her and so do I.”

Taking over 125,000 pink-colored Legos and more than an estimated 2,200 hours to assemble, Barbara Big Boobs travels everywhere Johnny is able to lug her, and rumor has it that Barbara is equally “friendly” with David’s friends. Earning her keep, “she” has helped repay the more than five hundred dollar tab for her own construction.

David Gillard Sr. decided that his son is emotionally unstable and may require psychiatric attention, but others seem to disagree. The Lego Corporation wants to hire young David in order to create the design for a kit so the company can send more Barbara “models” to remote places like Antarctica, North Korea, or the International Space Station to entertain and amuse men working in prolonged isolation.

David Gillard Jr. has already captured the imagination of more than two million fans on Facebook who have become caught up in the very public drama of a lonely 16 year old boy and his need for companionship.

David and his friend Barbara Big Boobs hope to appear on a live special edition of Oprah where he will explain why he did it, and give tips on Lego block relationship building to the viral masses that now send him letters of respect, appreciation and adoration.

Halloween will soon be upon us. Here are some simple tips that should help keep the holiday safe and fun for everyone.

1. When planning your children’s trick-or-treating route, stick to residential neighborhoods. Try to avoid deserted industrial areas, construction sites, and toxic waste dumps.

2. Novelty contact lenses can add a new dimension to a Halloween costume. Please get yours from a licensed eye care professional; resist the temptation to create your own using an empty plastic water bottle, a razor blade, and a set of colored markers. Continue Reading

Through an interpreter (the Dog Whisperer), Lassie has informed local police the she has no plans to tell them which well Timmy is stuck in. The famous collie, who has saved the boy from multiple wells, caves, fires, storms, lions, wolves, bears, snakes, wells, collapsing buildings, and several other life threatening situations, has said that she has had enough. Continue Reading

SACRAMENTO, California (GlossyNews) — The California Department of Social Services launched the biggest child abuse crackdown in the agency’s history. Citing various infractions of both state and federal laws, the enforcement division of the CDSS, the Child Protective Services (CPS). often called the Goon Squad, made simultaneous raids at various homes and business locations across the state. Over 735 people were either arrested or taken into protective custody. Reportedly, up to 74 ‘Tater Tots’ were also taken into protective custody by agents who acted in the knick of time, just before they were to be eaten. Continue Reading

Rogersville, TN – GlossyNews.com – Little Johnny Krebbs loved to sit around his rural Rogersville home like any other kid daydreaming and making wishes. He wished for a puppy. Other times he wished for a new bicycle, but it wasn’t until he wished-upon-a-lucky-star while singing a popular kids song that his wishes finally came true… much to the astonishment of his parents, Glenn and Rita Continue Reading

Just like the little ones, summer camp exists for tweens too. Here is a sampling of a couple of letters the tweens have written home to earn their “composition” badges.

Dear Kate (haha Mom),

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Did you know that Camp Swanomee is a boy/girl camp? I didn’t either, but hey, too late now, huh? I am having so much fun, I may not want to come home (OMG, LOL). Continue Reading

Glossy News, never too low to find new sources of information for you news hungry clowns, found the following letters in a number of trash cans throughout Beverly Hills:

Hi Mommy,

Greetings from Camp Wigwam. Did you know how dangris this camp was befor you sent me her?
Timmy my bunk buddey got bit my a snake today but dont worey, he aint dying or nothin.

Tomorrow we get to go rock climbing at the gorge. I know you aint religos, but plese say a prayer, ok?

In case I cant say it later, I love you a lot, mom, and don’t worey, I aint that scared.

Yur son,
Billy Continue Reading

Ok, kids, let’s look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father’s Day in a completely different light. Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it’s summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear. So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is in charge of taking care of you, the other kid in the household? Continue Reading

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — In an effort to reel in kiddies as early as they are able to watch television, the Fox Channel has begun the process of developing a Saturday morning kids’ show featuring Glenn Beck, invoking a stylistic reincarnation of Dick Dastardly, complete with pencil-thin handlebar mustache. While not yet written in stone, producers have tentatively named the show “The Tommy Truth-tacular Hour.” Continue Reading

SHAWNEE, KS (GlossyNews) — A Kansas mother is praising neighbor Nick Harris as “Superman” after her six-year-old daughter described how Harris found the strength to lift a car off her. The girl escaped with minor injuries after she was pinned under the vehicle. Continue Reading

ANAHEIM, CA (GlossyNews) — On March 17, 2010, a three-year-old boy shot his father, an LAPD officer, with a service revolver. The shooting occurred in the family’s pickup truck at a traffic stop in Anaheim. Investigators are still trying to determine how the child got hold of the weapon. The father remains in critical condition. Continue Reading

APPLETON, WI (GlossyKidsNews) – Despite attempts of wooing potential dates with dazzling wit and humor, Appleton East High School sophomore and champion “mathlete” Jon Henderson, appears to be striking out at love. “Girls should be throwing themselves at me after hearing my jokes about pi,” he complained yesterday. “They all took geometry last year, they should get it!” Continue Reading