Archive | Kidz Zone

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

A stereotypical middle class Caucasian father, owner of three adorable children is still being a huge douchebag by not arriving to his little girl’s ballet recital which begins at 4 pm.

When asked on who was going to arrive to pick her up, the angel of cuteness replied, “I-dunno.” Frank, a Texan citizen who is allergic to cuteness, passed away when the headline made way to his town. All friends and family mourn for his loss and blame douchebag dad. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen year old Joffrey Stevens of Astapor High School was instantly expelled today once it became clear that he shared his name with the infamous Game of Thrones king, and all round hated guy, Joffrey Baratheon.

Young Joffrey Stevens had no idea the drama that was in store for him when he awoke this morning. “I was beyond excited to be starting at a new school, a fresh start,” he told GOTnews earlier this afternoon. “I was always bullied at my previous school, almost as if the students blamed me for something. There was constant talk about how I was a monster brought into the world by incense, or insects, or some word similar to that.”

There was even reports of an older girl throwing her pomegranate juice all over Stevens, shouting hysterically about some wedding.

During the morning’s roll call, Jon Sun, Stevens’ teacher, immediately sent him to the headmaster’s office. Sun has since suffered from a panic attack. “I never wanted this teaching job at Astapor High,” says Sun, “although after gambling away all of my Christmas savings at http://jackgold.com this past December, I had no other choice. There are certain boundaries,” which Sun strongly believes Joffrey crossed. “I mean, Ned Stark did nothing wrong, he didn’t deserve that fate, the whole ordeal is utterly unforgivable.”

Joffrey’s mother, Lanni Stevens, is absolutely appalled about the entire situation, saying that Game of Thrones wasn’t even a big deal when her and her husband decided to name their son Joffrey. “We both just really liked the name,” she said, “how was I to know that the name would become associated with one of the most hated people of all time?”

“We have to take a zero tolerance approach to sensitive matters such as this,” Mrs. H. Odor, headmaster of Astapor High replied, when asked whether the expulsion would stick. “With the recent release of the new Game of Thrones trailer, it is evident that young King Joffrey has not changed his evil ways. Until he has come to his senses, we cannot risk having Joffrey Stevens wandering these corridors freely”.

GOTnews has so far been unsuccessful in their attempt to receive any form of statement from ‘A Game of Thrones’ author, George R. R. Martin, although insiders close to the author have allegedly told reporters that “they know nothing.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is actually a guest post from Jason, who I know through an internet colleague. If it wins the monthly contest, it will go to him, not Dexter.

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Television0 Comments

Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody

Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody

A lone shooter killed 15 in a bloody Christmas Eve massacre at the North Pole, sparking pandemonium when he lobbed a smoke bomb into a reindeer pen and opened fire from the roof atop Santa’s workshop.

North Pole law enforcement officials said the suspect in the shooting is Rudolph L. May, though many used to laugh and call him “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,” or “the 9th reindeer.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Kidz Zone1 Comment

Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller

Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller

The former part-time Republican Governor of Alaska has a new coloring book called “Sarah Palin in Comparison” that broke a sales record for its publisher and now tops Amazon’s best seller list.

Earlier this month, Little Red Schoolhouse Publishing also produced “Ted Cruz to the Future,” a “comic activity book for all ages” featuring Sarah’s rival, a Lone Star currently rising in the Tea Party.

Surprisingly, the junior Republican Senator’s coloring book was a Texas-sized hit for the company, and became Amazon’s number one seller at the time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Kidz Zone19 Comments

Warming Arctic Ocean Causes Santa To Move Operations To South Pole

Warming Arctic Ocean Causes Santa To Move Operations To South Pole

Old Nick has been having a hard time of it. His North Pole sweat shops, …er…, workshops have been becoming wet-shops due to the the melting of the sea ice of the arctic.

“It has just become impossible! I have been bitching to the industrial nations of the world for centuries to ease up on the pollution and the CO2 emissions and they listen like an Eskimo with his ear frozen to his cell phone.

“I stopped giving the CEO’s and the upper employees any Christmas gifts decades ago, but they get so much dough and goodies from ripping off the taxpayers and government cronies that they don’t even notice!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Religionism0 Comments

CONTEST: Bet You Cannot Spot the Difference

CONTEST: Bet You Cannot Spot the Difference

You’ll want to enlarge it (by clicking on the image) and study it studiously. The first reader to write back to me with the difference will receive a $20 Visa gift card. Can you spot the difference, or do you have to cheat?

CLICK the image to enlarge it and see it full-size.

NOTE: Reader Erickj2 snapped up the prize within mere seconds of going live, apparently by simply reading the footer of the graphic.

Brian is on temporary personal leave but has left us with an innumerous backlog of comics to share until his return. Check back for daily updates.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Posted in Comics, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Deaf 3 Year Old Arrested for Sneaking Finger-Guns into School

Deaf 3 Year Old Arrested for Sneaking Finger-Guns into School

Hunter Spanjer, who also goes by Little John Wayne or the Tiny Terminator depending on the social situation, was arrested last week for bringing firearms onto school property. Though, to be clear, it wasn’t an “arm”, it was his fingers so the technical term would be “firefinger”.

Nebraska school officials, upon receiving a tip, quickly notified the authorities of the imminent danger to their campus and possible hostage situation that was taking place. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Society3 Comments

New Bumper Stickers For Our Mass Educated Times

New Bumper Stickers For Our Mass Educated Times

For years we have heard the mantra that ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher” thrown at us from bumper stickers and signs everywhere. Of course the school system will surely not broadcast so loudly their failings- the brainwash, the intimidation, the browbeating, the systematization of everything possible.

If they ever did, here is what these bumper stickers would look like:

If you are so robotic that you have no will of your own, thank a teacher.

If you are working at Walmart because you always believed that only other people can tell you what to do, how to do it and when to do it, thank your educational system.

If school shootings happen because a system of education ignores the anger made from bullying, intimidation and repression, thank a School Principal.

If you have been so conditioned by school indoctrination that it is impossible to think outside the box, thank a teacher.

If you were intimidated by a ‘good ole boy’ system that patted bullying jocks on the back and looked the other way when they exercised their ‘right’ to dominate and harass at schools, thank a school administration.

If you have come to believe that only the A students and the athletes count for anything in a society, thank your school system.

If you can do nothing creatively but only copy what others do, thank an education system.

If you cannot exercise your own free will without fear, thank your schooling.

If you are obese, unhealthy or have bad posture due to sitting in a chair all day without any physical exercise, thank an educational policy plan.

If you are so intellectually trained that you can only think in one dimension, thank a school curriculum.

If you have been so skilled in a narrow, specialized field that if it were to become obsolete you would be permanently unemployed, thank a school system.

If your self esteem is down around where your shoes should be due to being brow beat throughout school, thank a teacher.

If you have been molded into believing that life after high school is nothing more than an extension of the rigid social structure of what you experienced there- ie. only some people can be popular, authority figures determine your whole life, that certain sports, arts, careers, social groups, etc. are only for a privileged elite, then thank a fossilized learning system.

If you cannot understand anything outside the confines of your own community, religion, nation or political party, thank a school system.

If you have been conditioned to being a tool of a system that only recognizes a hierarchy of football players, cheerleaders and other sports personnel as being the heights of society, thank your school.

- – - – - – - – -

For an expert look at what is wrong with our school system and what needs to be done about it, read Dumbing Us Down by John Gatto, a former Teacher Of the Year nominated by the New York School System. Everyone who has ever been educated in America should read it.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently bumpers are significantly wider where this author lives.

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone1 Comment

Trump to Open Chain of Children’s Casinos

Trump to Open Chain of Children’s Casinos

Free-market capitalist and cranial gopher rescue haven Donald Trump has announced this week that he’ll open a new line of casinos aimed squarely at the children’s market.

Many see this as a provocative, or even illegal move, but since all planned locations will be on floating river barges or tribal land, and they plan to file as 501(c)(4) “social welfare organizations,” they are expected to avoid legal scrutiny. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Kidz Zone1 Comment

Age Old Joke Takes Dark Turn; Escalates Quickly (COMIC)

Age Old Joke Takes Dark Turn; Escalates Quickly (COMIC)

You know the age-old joke, “Why is 6 afraid of 7.” Well what happens when the smart-ass kid you’re telling it to already knows the joke?

Well apparently, you ruin their childhood.

CLICK on the image to see the cartoon full-sized.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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Posted in Comics, Kidz Zone3 Comments

Parents Hail Terrible High School Production of Hamlet a Pretty Neat Little Show

Parents Hail Terrible High School Production of Hamlet a Pretty Neat Little Show

INDIANAPOLIS – Lacking the necessary analytical skills to objectively critique a work of theatre, parents of youngsters in a St Vincent High School production of Hamlet thought that the laborious, 3-hour show was pretty neat.

Congratulating her son Ben on what was actually a painfully lackluster and wooden performance in the title role, Maggie Polworth insisted that the 17-year-old was “really fun” and that he looked “very funny” in those navy blue tights. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Preschool Student Exchange Program Hits Snag

Preschool Student Exchange Program Hits Snag

The plan was far from revolutionary. Just take a program that works for older students and bump it down for use on younger students. That was the plan for ToddlerX, a Sacramento-based program, but two years on, parents are feeling the pain.

“Well it sounded like a good idea,” said Jacob Johanson, a human resouce developer. “But when we shipped off our kid [who was barely 3 at the time] we didn’t realize what we’d get back.”

What he got back was a child nearly fluent in Russian gibberish, though all of his English had been lost, and he didn’t even recognize us as his parents. Continue Reading

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Learn Easter from Your Kids: Zombie Jesus Brings Gold (VIDEO)

Learn Easter from Your Kids: Zombie Jesus Brings Gold (VIDEO)

My kids attend weekly Awana meetings, where they learn about how letting people talk about Jesus can result in candy and prizes.

For the true magic of Jesus, I had to share with them a bit of the practical side.

Everyone has taught my kids about Easter. The zealots and thumper-types gave their take, Walmart runs ads with their take in heavy rotation, and I might have peppered in a few thoughts of my own. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Religionism1 Comment

Pinewood Derby Teaches Valuable Lessons in Cheating, Abandonment

Pinewood Derby Teaches Valuable Lessons in Cheating, Abandonment

My boys had their first Pinewood Derby. As I sat there it dawned on me what’s really being taught; all the ugliness of life in one 7-ounces block of resentment.

My older son had what I can charitably describe as a cross between a rocket and a racecar in the form of one slightly rounded block. It’s not his fault, he’s worse at woodworking than his old man, and we really don’t own any appropriate tools. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone1 Comment

YOLO Demise Discovered; Most Adherents Deceased (Part 1)

YOLO Demise Discovered; Most Adherents Deceased (Part 1)

YOLO, short for “you only live once”. Easily the “don’t worry, be happy” of 2011, is now gone, all but forgotten. But why is this phrase out of use? A recent study finds it’s because most who lived by it are now dead.

It’s an acronym that’s been around since 2004, but in 2011 hip hop artist Drake introduced this phrase to the ignorant masses in his awful but popular single “The Motto”. Within months it went from motto, to anthem, to mantra to eulogy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone0 Comments

KKK Allows More Gays than Boy Scouts

KKK Allows More Gays than Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts of America has announced that they are considering thinking about the possibility of forming an exploratory committee to allow gays among their ranks. But the Klan has been doing that for decades.

Boy Scouts of America has long been famous for three things. Merit badges, prohibiting gays from service, and gay sexual abuse among its rank and file. And we do mean rank. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Society2 Comments

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