Asheville, North Carolina (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

In his latest bid to pump up the economy before the 2012 election, President Obama introduced a new program, “Bucks for Burn Downs,” that will pay financially troubled homeowners to burn down their own homes. Continue Reading

Burning Candles, Arizona (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

Former GOP presidential candidate John McCain will launch another bid for the White House in 2044, and is “firmly committed to running a vigorous, full-steam ahead” campaign.

After careful study and extensive polling, McCain strategists concluded that “waiting a few more election cycles” offers the best opportunity to present McCain to voters as a “newer, fresher candidate.”

“We see no reason to jump in immediately,” said a senior McCain campaign manager. “There’s plenty of time to do this right.”

Political analysts were divided over the move, with a top Republican pollster hailing it as “brilliant long-term thinking” but other Washington insiders expressing skepticism.

“It’s almost certain that none of the country’s problems will be solved by 2044,” the GOP pollster noted, “so McCain’s timing seems perfect.”

“There’s an obvious flaw in their thinking and that’s fund raising,” countered one political analyst. “With even moderate rates of inflation, you’re talking about having to raise enormous sums of money by then.”

Sources close to the campaign also confirmed that current presidential hopeful Sarah Palin would likely be McCain’s Vice Presidential pick again. “We think if she continues to study foreign policy, she could be ready by 2044,” said the campaign source.

Palin was unavailable for comment due to a hunting trip with former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Pumpkin Place, Ohio (GlossyNews) —The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

The iconic Crayola crayon company announced it will introduce a new crayon color, “John Boehner Orange,” based on what it calls the “distinctive, even unique, hues and shades” of the House Speaker’s perpetual tan.

Sources say the new Boehner-inspired color is a carefully crafted mixture of Crayola’s classic Burnt Orange and its newer Neon Carrot and Mango Tango hues. Continue Reading

Wrigley Fjord, East Sweden (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Though she is officially America’s top diplomat, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton committed a grievous etiquette faux pas today by chewing gum in the presence of the King of Sweden, abruptly ending her visit to this Scandinavian nation. Reverberations were felt from Stockholm to Washington as the two countries’ usually friendly governments attempted to restore normal relations. Continue Reading

PARK PLACE HOTEL, NY (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In the latest Congressional wrangling over tax policy, Republicans proposed sweeping new reforms, dubbed “No Millionaire Left Behind,” that would permanently slash taxes for the wealthiest Americans.

“The American people would rather starve than see our most successful citizens hit by higher taxes,’” said GOP House leader John Boehner. “And my proposal takes an important step in that direction.” Continue Reading

Hope Springs, Maryland (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In a triumphant moment for President Obama, the Labor Department’s newest monthly report showed that despite lingering high unemployment, the President’s stimulus program almost certainly created a job last month.

The President announced the Labor Department’s findings at a news event held in the suburban back yard of an unemployed Democratic fundraising consultant. Continue Reading

Wornolde Points, Ohio (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. News organizations around the world are analyzing the political, economic and policy implications of the recently released GOP “Pledge to America.” But the story doesn’t end there.

In an exclusive interview from his favorite tanning salon, GOP House leader John Boehner revealed ten additional promises in the Pledge to America that “didn’t make the first cut, but make a lot of sense.” Continue Reading

Twin Dorks, NV (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle. In a blistering attack on the “political elitism that is destroying America” Nevada Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite Sharron Angle slammed the “fancy table manners in Washington” as she ramped up her campaign against incumbent Democrat Harry Reid. Continue Reading

PINES RETREAT, Illinois(GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle. In the latest high profile defection from the Obama administration, President Obama announced he will leave the administration early next year to return to community organizing and perhaps author another book.

The Nobel Prize winning diplomat, world leader and author is expected to make good use of his new found free time. Continue Reading

Hogs Butte, IA (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In a giant miscue that could cost Democrats even more Congressional seats this November, President Obama revealed he is “no big fan” of corn dogs, a favored food in the Midwest.

“I eat a lot of chili burgers back in D.C.” the President said at a fundraiser near Des Moines. “But corn dogs, no thanks.” Continue Reading

Botox Village, CA (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Speaking to a group of her firmest supporters, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Democrats will introduce sweeping legislation guaranteeing free health care for all pets. While this was once viewed as a “wedge myth,” it seems the soon-to-be-ousted Speaker of the House has no qualms about settling the score once and for all. Continue Reading

Half Nelson Bay, CT (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Republican Linda McMahon challenged Democrat Richard Blumenthal to wrestle her for the Connecticut Senate seat rather than wait for the outcome of the November election.

McMahon, a former World Wrestling Federation executive and wrestler, left no doubt she believed she could defeat Blumenthal. “He’s got a big mouth out here, but let’s see how he does in the ring,” McMahon told her cheering supporters. “I’ll put his policy positions where the sun don’t shine.” Continue Reading

Bouffant Falls, AR (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle. (Glossy News) – Presumed 2012 GOP presidential primary entrant Sarah Palin declared war on China today, though she admitted she wasn’t certain “it can be allowed” from an undeclared political candidate.

“I can see Russia from my front window,” Palin shouted to a cheering Tea Party crowd, many of them wearing surplus army helmets and waving chopsticks. “I sure don’t want China up my chimney, and neither do the American people!” Continue Reading

Orange, OH (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle.

House leader John Boehner vowed that if the GOP captures control of Congress this November, it will do “absolutely nothing for as long as necessary.”

Speaking to an association of tanning salon owners, Boehner candidly unveiled his party’s legislative strategy for 2011 and perhaps beyond. “Republicans strongly believe government cannot achieve much of value,” Boehner said. “And if we are successful this November, we will prove it.” Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) — In a move sure to restart the nation’s divisive healthcare debate, major insurance companies announced new healthcare plans featuring controversial “self-serve” medical options designed to reduce costs.

“Our new self-serve options for childbirth, surgery and annual physical exams provide consumers with more choices while reducing the escalating cost of care,” said a representative for WellPoint, one of the nation’s largest health insurers.  Aetna and UnitedHealth Group also announced new self-serve options. Continue Reading

ORLANDO, Florida (GlossyNews) — Wearied by weeks of fighting the horrendous Gulf oil spill, the U.S. Coast Guard mobilized today to battle a large leak from a giant whale in a SeaWorld theme park.

“This is massive,” said Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen. “An animal this size naturally produces a very big leak.”

As of this morning the leak was still spreading, Continue Reading