Raleigh NC – GlossyNews.com – For unemployed twentysomething Reginald J Wainsborough the good news was that when his Uncle Harley died a month ago he left Reginald a diamond brooch worth $1 million. The bad news was that Uncle Harley’s will neglected to mention where the brooch was stored. That left Reginald hiring an expensive P.I. to track down the brooch.
“I was fairly sure it was in a safe deposit box,” says Reginald. “But the P.I. couldn’t find one in Uncle Harley’s name anywhere in the U.S. I was getting desperate. That brooch was my sole source of income or potential income and I could not find it.
“Then I happened upon a Facebook ad for an iPhone app that said it would let you talk to the dead. I put two and two together and realized I could use that app to communicate with Uncle Harley and score that safe deposit box number and address.”
The $0.99 app, it turned out, had been developed by Haisi Pellinican, a Haitian witch doctor, who did not return repeated phone calls from a Glossy News reporter.
However our technical staff analyzed the app and found that it works on the same principle as a Ouija board and requires the user to chant a prescribed incantation over his or her iPhone while lighting up an unfiltered cigarette as a burnt offering, and then calling out the dead person’s name three times in a loud voice.
Our technical staff tested the app on one of her own dead relatives and sure enough did receive two messages back, the first being “You will have a party,” followed by “Financial well-being is coming your way.” Our technical staff reported that both are apparently word-for-word copies of messages often found inside Chinese fortune cookies.
However Reginald, when he received the message “Go where your heart tells you,” assumed this to be an oblique reference to his Uncle’s former mistress, Marilyn Hart, and immediately confronted her.
Amazingly, Ms. Hart admitted having received the diamond brooch a year earlier, and revealed that she had sold it to purchase a condo overlooking Tampa Bay. Reginald, threatening legal action, was able to negotiate a period of free rent from Ms. Hart in exchange for the missing brooch, and he now resides with her in the condo. A happy ending? Not quite, as Reginald soon encountered a brand new problem caused by the iPhone app he had downloaded.
“I found the app had caused my iPhone to become possessed by a demon,” says Reginald. “It was tremendously upsetting. One morning the iPhone woke me and Marilyn — Miss Hart — up making strange noises and vibrating. When I tried to turn it off it made a shrill screaming noise like an alarm clock. Marilyn — Miss Hart — had to throw the damned thing off the balcony into the Bay to stop it.”
How can you tell if your iPhone is possessed? “You know it is if it starts making spitting static-like noises like a radio between channels,” says Reginald, “in which case the best thing to do is just ditch it. As far as I know there are no anti-demon firewalls available out there.”