Fullerton Pacifist Joins NRA – Buys Uzi

Fullerton, Orange County, CA – Fullerton resident and lifelong pacifist Dylan Donovan today announced that he has finally caved in to environmental pressures by joining the NRA and buying an Uzi sub-machine gun. Speaking from his home in downtown Fullerton, Donovan told reporters:

“I’ve always been against violence in any shape or form. I’ve also believed in the rights of any individual – regardless of race, sexual orientation or gender – to live a life unimpeded by violence of any description. It breaks my heart to say it, but I just don’t feel safe anymore.” Read more Fullerton Pacifist Joins NRA – Buys Uzi

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Crappy UK Website Denies Breaking News Princess Diana Was Murdered

“We didn’t break that news,” stated www.cafespike.com site administrator Martin Shuttlecock. “Somebody probably got us confused with the Daily Mail. Or the Express. Whatever.”

Inside information has revealed that cafespike.com is staffed by a team of enthusiastic amateurs who are usually too drunk or stoned to file copy, and British Intelligence services (MI5 & MI6) today dismissed the site as “frivolous and extremely silly.” Read more Crappy UK Website Denies Breaking News Princess Diana Was Murdered

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“Hopefully, One Day I’ll Finish The Job By Capping Paul And Ringo” – Mark David Chapman

Chilling words indeed from the slayer of former Beatle, John Lennon – but this is exactly what a former cellmate of the Catcher In The Rye freak alleges was said to him during a private conversation with Chapman.

“We were talking about gun control,” said former inmate Abe Johnson, currently out on parole. “Chapman was defending the Second Amendment to the hilt, saying that every American citizen – no matter how screwed up in the head they may be – should have the right to bear arms.” Read more “Hopefully, One Day I’ll Finish The Job By Capping Paul And Ringo” – Mark David Chapman

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Mitt Romney Can’t Possibly Be That Dumb – Reaction From England

As the election campaign gathers pace, and the Republican Party appear to be exposing their inherent incompetency, a British correspondent expressed utter disbelief that any candidate for the Presidency, without doubt the most influential position in the world, could possibly be as idiotic as Mitt Romney.

“You’re kidding me! Right? Please tell me you’re joking. A candidate for the Presidency fails to grasp that you can’t open windows on an aircraft to let a bit of fresh air in?” asked Martin Shuttlecock, of Skoob News International. Read more Mitt Romney Can’t Possibly Be That Dumb – Reaction From England

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Satire May Be a Dying Art, Thanks to Internet Trolls

Serious concerns have been raised in the United Kingdom, over the future of online satire as an art form, a development which has also caused consternation in the United States.

In the UK, a number of high profile court cases have resulted in successful prosecutions of internet trolls, much to the disgust of genuine satirists, who feel that they in turn are suffering as a result of trolling.

The trolls target the famous, the recently bereaved, and basically anybody they feel like being nasty towards. Read more Satire May Be a Dying Art, Thanks to Internet Trolls

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Amy Winehouse Found Dead – Rock N Roll Claims Another Casualty

It’s been revealed that British R&B diva, Amy Winehouse has been found dead in her Camden Town flat in north west London. At this point, there has been no confirmed cause of death, but some speculators are of the opinion that alcohol and/or drugs may have been a contributory factor.

They’re probably right.

Poor Amy, who sang so passionately that she didn’t want to go to rehab, may still have been alive if she’d given the rehab another shot. Read more Amy Winehouse Found Dead – Rock N Roll Claims Another Casualty

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Britain Stretched To Breaking Point, Satirists Leaving in Droves

British PM David Cameron today admitted that “in the clearest possible terms” Britain is currently stretched to breaking point.

Military involvement in Iraq, Afghanistan, and now Libya have undoubtedly taken a heavy toll on available resources, and the financial squeeze has resulted in Britain having no ships in its navy and no planes in its air force.

Add to this the crippling cost of welfare payments to the workshy, not to mention an exodus of wealthy retirees to the Spanish Costas, and the inevitable result is the implosion of a nation. Read more Britain Stretched To Breaking Point, Satirists Leaving in Droves

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Englishman Shares Home With 240 “Intimacy” Dolls

Cyril Knowles 52, of Wembley is a happily married man. Yet he shares his modest home with 240 sex dolls of all shapes, sizes and colors.

Strangely, Mrs Knowles helps him to dress and undress his silicone legion, and even takes them for trips out in the family car.

Cyril claims that his unusual “hobby” started when he bought a rag doll for a favorite niece, and found himself inexplicably attracted to it. Read more Englishman Shares Home With 240 “Intimacy” Dolls

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Idiot Satirist Forgets April Fools Day

Reports are just creeping in that an idiot of a satirist, who regularly plagues internet websites with a tide of absolute nonsense in the name of humour, forgot to post any gems of wit, wisdom, or deception on April Fools Day.

The idiotic satirist, who can’t be named here for illegal reasons, admitted that April Fools Day had completely slipped his vacant mind. Read more Idiot Satirist Forgets April Fools Day

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London Rioters Disrupt Tea at the Ritz

Attendees at London’s plush Ritz Tearooms anticipating a quiet sojourn from the hustle and bustle of the city in order to discuss the cricket and deerstalking in the Highlands of Scotland almost choked on their crumpets as the Ritz was attacked by a group of rabid anarchists hell-bent on destruction.

The black clad marauders – their faces obscured by ski masks – smashed windows with metal poles and traffic signs. Anarchist symbols were spray painted all over the exterior as police struggled to control the mayhem. Read more London Rioters Disrupt Tea at the Ritz

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