Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol
Dateline: CANNABISTOWN, PO—In Potlandia, marijuana is legal for recreational purposes and is commonly smoked by nearly all of the adult citizens of that country, while alcohol and nicotine are banned. But the alcohol and tobacco industries regard Potlandia’s laws…
Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture
SAINT PAUL, MN—Speaking before a mesmerized audience at Hamline University Thursday, Professor Malcolm Forsythe floored the crowd with his complete and utter lack of knowledge regarding even the vaguest details of anything going on in recent pop culture. Stunned students…
Elle Magazine’s February Cover to Feature X-Ray of Mindy Kaling’s Skeleton
NEW YORK — Elle Magazine recently unveiled its February cover, which features an X-ray photograph of Mindy Kaling’s skeleton. According to professional photography critic Gilroy Franscesco, “This cover is so magnificent and tastefully done that words simply cannot describe. That’s…
Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable
Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table. “He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be…
Adam Lambert Likes the Feel of Dead Animal Around His Neck
Adam Lambert, runner-up on Season 8 of American Idol fame, was spotted throughout the streets of New York the past few days sporting a very warm and cozy looking coat with what appeared to be one or possibly more large…
GlossyNews January, 2014 Contest Announced
Winners from December will be announced this evening, with a story detailing the victors within the next week. The January, 2014 contest is more of the same from last month, almost exactly. $150 if your January story is the top…
Just Why, Exactly, Did This Woman Feel the Need For Artificial Insemination?
Yes, this is a picture of the Octomom, aka Nadya Suleman, she of the “cheaper by the dozen” fame, having given birth to the near world’s record of eight live and surviving births all at once. As you can see…
Colorblind Woman Cries After Reading The Onion
Napsanotices, Illinois – Following the advice of her trustworthy coworker on Tuesday, 27 year old, Jane DeWitt of the suburbs just outside of Chicago decided to purchase the ingredients for a roast brisket in order to comply with her coworker’s…