Colorblind Woman Cries After Reading The Onion

Colorblind Woman Cries After Reading The Onion

Napsanotices, Illinois – Following the advice of her trustworthy coworker on Tuesday, 27 year old, Jane DeWitt of the suburbs just outside of Chicago decided to purchase the ingredients for a roast brisket in order to comply with her coworker’s recommendation that she read the onion because of her desire to try new things and the belief that she would get a kick out of it.

“As soon as I got close enough to read the lines on the inner white rings, I knew that I had grabbed the wrong onion,” said a tearful DeWitt, while suffering from a bad case of dacryoadenitis.

DeWitt’s coworker of five years, Juliet Barone, had referred her to an article of the late Dick Clark poking fun at Ryan Seacrest from beyond the grave for his horrible performance on New Year’s Eve. Barone described the article as “the funniest and most accurate thing she had ever read,” in her proposal to DeWitt. “Even though I had the wrong onion, I still got a memorable laugh. Next time, I will purchase the red one that the recipe calls for,” added DeWitt.

Despite having an overpowering odor when being cut, the onion or allium cepa is the world’s most popular vegetable and was first cultivated more than 5,000 years ago in ancient Egypt.


This post was written by

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In the history of mannkind, there have only been a handful of individuals with the talent to take genuine news and completely warp it into something that will convince an audience to believe the unbelievable. FreeMann is one of those select few. From Breadstick Island, California, he has been writing comedy, satire and parody for more than 10 years and has been published all over the web and produced on radio stations across the country. He is credited with writing the screenplays "Bar Critics," "Breadsterastyx," "Breadsterafish" and enjoys listening to "Purple Rain" and Hall & Oates on repeat.


2 Responses to “Colorblind Woman Cries After Reading The Onion”

  1. tony bobowitz says:

    hmmmmmm I wonder if she would cry if it were a real onion?

  2. Kilroy says:

    Tim Keck is probably crying now. Reading this and eating an onion sandwich. $20,000 can buy a lot of onions.


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