Posted in Human Interest

Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Fire Department was called late last night to a three-alarm blaze on Atwood Street that, according to onlookers, “greatly improved at least three of the buildings.” While the South Oakland inferno itself enveloped a swath containing…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire
Posted in War Zone

Homeland Security Warns of “Out-For-Blood” Radical Group Calling Itself “Red Cross”

WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security released a statement yesterday afternoon warning U.S. citizens of recent efforts by a group of homegrown radicals whom officials say are “out-for-blood.” Reports indicate the organization is calling itself Red Cross. According to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Homeland Security Warns of “Out-For-Blood” Radical Group Calling Itself “Red Cross”
Posted in Biz News Technology

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

PITTSBURGH — Ruling that the threat to public safety is “theoretically a very real problem under the principles of String theory,” a two-judge panel has shut down ride-sharing at Kennywood park in West Mifflin. The ruling makes it illegal for…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood
Posted in Biz News

U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes

WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. Department of Labor’s recent report that employee productivity fell 3.2 percent in the first quarter of 2014, many companies are looking to overcome such weak proletariat performance by investing in the hiring of more human…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes
Posted in Travel War Zone

Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions

SAN JOSE, CALIF. — Following a 15-year-old boy’s recent stowaway ride across the Pacific Ocean, authorities at San Jose International Airport say they plan to work with the FAA in an effort to step up their security illusions, sources report….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions
Posted in Education Technology

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HERMINIE, PA — Local High School Student Roger Burman recently scored a perfect 2400 on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) after answering every question with the word, “Google,” sources report. According to English Teacher Frank Gimley, who proctored the exam,…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score
Posted in Society

Undercover PennDOT Workers Disguised As Cops To Secretly Finish Turnpike Construction

PITTSBURGH — The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PennDOT) recently announced plans to disguise an elite group of its workers as police officers and place them in construction zones along the Pennsylvania Turnpike in order to secretly finish some of the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Undercover PennDOT Workers Disguised As Cops To Secretly Finish Turnpike Construction
Posted in Science Technology

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet
Posted in Travel

Crashed Military Jungle Pilot Unfound, FAA Blames Pilot Fatigues

WASHINGTON — Following an investigation into the crash and subsequent disappearance of U.S. Air Force Captain Wilbur “Willie” Rong during a non-combat mission somewhere over the Congo in Central Africa, the FAA has concluded that while the cause of the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Crashed Military Jungle Pilot Unfound, FAA Blames Pilot Fatigues
Posted in Human Interest

90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is

FT. LAUDERDALE, FLA — 90-year-old Elmer Durzylwood was reportedly at peace in his final hours late last night after his family had spent the entire day repeatedly telling him that he is very old, sources report.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! 90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Entertainment

Elle Magazine’s February Cover to Feature X-Ray of Mindy Kaling’s Skeleton

NEW YORK — Elle Magazine recently unveiled its February cover, which features an X-ray photograph of Mindy Kaling’s skeleton. According to professional photography critic Gilroy Franscesco, “This cover is so magnificent and tastefully done that words simply cannot describe. That’s…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Elle Magazine’s February Cover to Feature X-Ray of Mindy Kaling’s Skeleton
Posted in Music

Skrillex Weighs In On Iran Situation: “Wurrrrgraawwwwllllwicketyreeeeeoowwwr”

LOS ANGELES — Asked his opinion on whether or not the U.S. lifting specific sanctions on Iran in exchange for Iran’s cooperation in partially halting their nuclear program was a prudent decision, dubstep artist Skrillex weighed in, telling reporters, “WURRRRGRAAWWWWLLLLWICKETYREEEE-EOOWWWRR.”

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Skrillex Weighs In On Iran Situation: “Wurrrrgraawwwwllllwicketyreeeeeoowwwr”
Posted in Entertainment Talky Pictures

Ron Burgundy Makes Hilarious Promotional Appearance at Local Man’s Funeral

BISMARCK, N.D. — In character as the “Anchorman” franchise’s Ron Burgundy, Will Ferrell made an objectively hilarious promotional appearance at a local Bismarck man’s funeral yesterday afternoon, the bereaved report. The funeral, which was originally intended to honor the memory…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Ron Burgundy Makes Hilarious Promotional Appearance at Local Man’s Funeral
Posted in Science

WWII-Era Sub Found At 7-Eleven

O’AHU, HAWAII — Researchers in Hawaii have uncovered a World War II-era submarine sandwich inside the island’s only 7-Eleven store location. The sub, known in the early 1940s as a “Spam-n-Depression Special” is made up of mostly Spam, lettuce and…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! WWII-Era Sub Found At 7-Eleven
Posted in Society

Grandpa Oblivious That Unformed Bill of Baseball Cap Definitely Upping His Steez

FINDLAY, OHIO — Local 91 Year Old Alfred Wintacki remains oblivious to the fact that the unformed, flat bill of his Cleveland Indians snapback baseball cap is definitely upping his level of steez, several of his great-grandchildren confirmed yesterday.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Grandpa Oblivious That Unformed Bill of Baseball Cap Definitely Upping His Steez
Posted in Travel

Kayak.com Now Offering Tropical Vacations to North Pole

NP-40 DRIFTING ICE STATION, NORTH POLE — Travel-discount website Kayak.com recently launched a new promotional package featuring an all-inclusive, tropical vacation to the North Pole, sources report. According to the website’s homepage, the promotional package offers a six day, five…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Kayak.com Now Offering Tropical Vacations to North Pole
Posted in Strange People

Abusive Boyfriend Proposes With “Conflict-Free” Diamond to Show He Has Sense of Humor, Too

MADISON, W. VA. — Local 24 Year Old Jeffrey Kiln recently proposed to Ashley Brenevaldi with a certified “conflict-free” diamond ring in an effort to show that, in addition to his constant physically, mentally and emotionally abusive behavior toward his…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Abusive Boyfriend Proposes With “Conflict-Free” Diamond to Show He Has Sense of Humor, Too
Posted in Sports

NFL Attempts to Curb Concussions By Mounting 11-Inch Steel Spike to Front of Every Helmet

NEW YORK — In an effort to cut down on the growing number of concussions suffered by players, the National Football League has announced plans to adopt a new, official helmet design that will feature an 11-inch steel spike mounted…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! NFL Attempts to Curb Concussions By Mounting 11-Inch Steel Spike to Front of Every Helmet
Posted in Music

Concert Venues Legally Required to Have Separate Restrooms for Trans-Siberian Orchestra

PHILADELPHIA — Mayor Michael Nutter recently signed into law a piece of legislation requiring all concert venues within the Greater Philadelphia Area to provide separate restrooms for members of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, sources report.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Concert Venues Legally Required to Have Separate Restrooms for Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Posted in Health

Americans With “Too-Sh**ty-To-Buy” Healthcare Plans Somehow Outraged Rather Than Embarrassed

NEWARK, N.J.– The majority of Americans who have received letters notifying them that their healthcare plans are now legally considered too shitty for insurance companies to sell to citizens of a first-world nation are somehow feeling “anger” instead of the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Americans With “Too-Sh**ty-To-Buy” Healthcare Plans Somehow Outraged Rather Than Embarrassed
Posted in Sports

Washington Redskins Change Name to Less-Offensive “Virginia-Adjacent Redskins”

WASHINGTON — In response to a recent outcry surrounding the Washington Redskins’ controversial name, which critics argue is highly inappropriate in this day and age, Owner Daniel Snyder has announced that he will change the name to the less-offensive “Virginia-Adjacent…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Washington Redskins Change Name to Less-Offensive “Virginia-Adjacent Redskins”
Posted in Music

Britney Spears Delivers Message to John Boehner: “Work B**ch”

WASHINGTON — In an odd turn of events yesterday, Pop Icon Britney Spears weighed in on the current Capitol Hill gridlock with a message aimed squarely at Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). According to Spears, “You better work…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Britney Spears Delivers Message to John Boehner: “Work B**ch”
Posted in Entertainment

Local Dad Reassures Son That Family Dog Died Because Kanye Works in Mysterious Ways

WICHITA, KAN — Following the recent death of his family’s beloved Golden Retriever “Champ,” Area Dad Russell Kerndike consoled his 12-year-old son Gary by explaining that, “Well, sometimes Kanye West works in mysterious ways.” “You see, Gar, sometimes He puts…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Local Dad Reassures Son That Family Dog Died Because Kanye Works in Mysterious Ways
Posted in Health

HIV Cured in Monkeys, People Who Have Sex Exclusively With Monkeys

PORTLAND, Ore. — Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University have developed a vaccine capable of clearing an HIV-like virus from primate test subjects and which is being hailed as a breakthrough discovery for people who have sex exclusively with…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! HIV Cured in Monkeys, People Who Have Sex Exclusively With Monkeys
Posted in Environment

Scientists Embarrassed To Have Just Now Found World’s Largest Volcano

TOKYO — Geologists working with the Institute of Really Obvious Shit (IROS) sheepishly admitted yesterday that they have just now found the world’s largest volcano. According to Lead Researcher Dr. Cataract, “It’s a big ol’ fucker, too. Not sure how…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Scientists Embarrassed To Have Just Now Found World’s Largest Volcano
Posted in Biz News Health

Treatment for Explosive Diarrhea Found, Scientists Calling It “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu”

Reduce unnecessary body pains using reliable painkillers. ATLANTA — Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) believe they may have discovered a potentially [social]life-saving treatment for those afflicted with bouts of explosive diarrhea in an experimental operation…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Treatment for Explosive Diarrhea Found, Scientists Calling It “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu”
Posted in Internets Tubes

Facebooker Relieved Not to Give Damn About Any of Seven Friends Whose Birthday It Is Today

CAMDEN, N.J. — Area Facebook User Griff Paley reported earlier this morning that he is very much relieved to see that, of the seven Facebook friends who are celebrating birthdays today, there isn’t a single one among them about whom…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Facebooker Relieved Not to Give Damn About Any of Seven Friends Whose Birthday It Is Today
Posted in Science

Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner

SEATTLE — 49-Year-Old Dog “Mr. Truffles,” who clearly saw his owner, Linda Geohring, place his tennis ball behind her back, patiently broke down the concept of object permanence for the dumbfounded 46-year-old, sources reported. “So, you understand, although I am…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner
Posted in Sports

Pittsburgh Pirates On Record Pace to Reach 53-Win Limit

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Pirates are out to their best start yet, already having secured 51 of their 53 maximum allowable wins at just the halfway point of the MLB season. To put it into perspective with regard to the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Pittsburgh Pirates On Record Pace to Reach 53-Win Limit
Posted in Technology World News

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate that he still, on occasion, pees the bed, a secret over which the NSA is claiming ownership since, according to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! 5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets