Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Fire Department was called late last night to a three-alarm blaze on Atwood Street that, according to onlookers, “greatly improved at least three of the buildings.”

While the South Oakland inferno itself enveloped a swath containing only those three buildings, reports indicate that several adjacent structures also received partial upgrades from smoke damage. Read more Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire

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Homeland Security Warns of “Out-For-Blood” Radical Group Calling Itself “Red Cross”

WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security released a statement yesterday afternoon warning U.S. citizens of recent efforts by a group of homegrown radicals whom officials say are “out-for-blood.” Reports indicate the organization is calling itself Red Cross.

According to sources, the group’s signature act of torture involves draining the blood from humanitarians unfortunate enough to find themselves on a Red Cross “tablé” (pronounced taw-blay or tay-bul), which is a device not unlike the infamous “rack” used in the Spanish Inquisition. Read more Homeland Security Warns of “Out-For-Blood” Radical Group Calling Itself “Red Cross”

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Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

PITTSBURGH — Ruling that the threat to public safety is “theoretically a very real problem under the principles of String theory,” a two-judge panel has shut down ride-sharing at Kennywood park in West Mifflin.

The ruling makes it illegal for more than one person to ride on any of the park’s attractions at one time.

Though no major or minor injuries or incidents have occurred in recent history, the PUC said in a statement that, “Our job isn’t to consider public opinion, fun, or common sense. Our job is to look out for public safety in every imaginable universe, even the alternate universes wherein this issue presents an actual danger.” Read more Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

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U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes

WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. Department of Labor’s recent report that employee productivity fell 3.2 percent in the first quarter of 2014, many companies are looking to overcome such weak proletariat performance by investing in the hiring of more human centipedes. Read more U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes

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Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions

SAN JOSE, CALIF. — Following a 15-year-old boy’s recent stowaway ride across the Pacific Ocean, authorities at San Jose International Airport say they plan to work with the FAA in an effort to step up their security illusions, sources report.

According to San Jose International Airport Spokesperson Janet Bavory, “Our illusions of security failed us this time. In the future, however, we vow to increase the number of pretend security measures in order to make sure that such a devastating terror attack doesn’t almost happen ever again.” Read more Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions

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HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HERMINIE, PA — Local High School Student Roger Burman recently scored a perfect 2400 on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) after answering every question with the word, “Google,” sources report.

According to English Teacher Frank Gimley, who proctored the exam, “I figured something was different about [Burman] right off the bat. We started with the Mathematics section, and all these kids were scrawling equations like crazy. But not Roger. Read more HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

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Undercover PennDOT Workers Disguised As Cops To Secretly Finish Turnpike Construction

PITTSBURGH — The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PennDOT) recently announced plans to disguise an elite group of its workers as police officers and place them in construction zones along the Pennsylvania Turnpike in order to secretly finish some of the roadwork. Read more Undercover PennDOT Workers Disguised As Cops To Secretly Finish Turnpike Construction

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Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a hugely disappointing discovery that in no way whatsoever helps the human species or its quest to find a realistically habitable alternative to Earth,” sources report. Read more Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

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Crashed Military Jungle Pilot Unfound, FAA Blames Pilot Fatigues

WASHINGTON — Following an investigation into the crash and subsequent disappearance of U.S. Air Force Captain Wilbur “Willie” Rong during a non-combat mission somewhere over the Congo in Central Africa, the FAA has concluded that while the cause of the crash itself remains a mystery, the failure of search and rescue teams to locate the pilot is likely due to the pilot’s fatigues. Read more Crashed Military Jungle Pilot Unfound, FAA Blames Pilot Fatigues

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Elle Magazine’s February Cover to Feature X-Ray of Mindy Kaling’s Skeleton

NEW YORK — Elle Magazine recently unveiled its February cover, which features an X-ray photograph of Mindy Kaling’s skeleton.

According to professional photography critic Gilroy Franscesco, “This cover is so magnificent and tastefully done that words simply cannot describe. That’s why it’s a picture.” Read more Elle Magazine’s February Cover to Feature X-Ray of Mindy Kaling’s Skeleton

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Skrillex Weighs In On Iran Situation: “Wurrrrgraawwwwllllwicketyreeeeeoowwwr”

LOS ANGELES — Asked his opinion on whether or not the U.S. lifting specific sanctions on Iran in exchange for Iran’s cooperation in partially halting their nuclear program was a prudent decision, dubstep artist Skrillex weighed in, telling reporters, “WURRRRGRAAWWWWLLLLWICKETYREEEE-EOOWWWRR.” Read more Skrillex Weighs In On Iran Situation: “Wurrrrgraawwwwllllwicketyreeeeeoowwwr”

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Ron Burgundy Makes Hilarious Promotional Appearance at Local Man’s Funeral

BISMARCK, N.D. — In character as the “Anchorman” franchise’s Ron Burgundy, Will Ferrell made an objectively hilarious promotional appearance at a local Bismarck man’s funeral yesterday afternoon, the bereaved report.

The funeral, which was originally intended to honor the memory of Henry Scotmeyer, 84, became an instant hit with attendees while also helping to promote the new “Anchorman 2″ film which premiered in theaters this past Wednesday.

According to the eyewitness account of Clay Scotmeyer, longtime Ferrell fan and nephew of the deceased, “Uncle Henry was always kind of a ‘stick in the mud,’ and this whole ‘being dead’ thing was just the latest in a long line of buzzkill moments that he’s dumped on us over the years. Thank God Viacom was generous enough to send Burgundy to make it fun.” Read more Ron Burgundy Makes Hilarious Promotional Appearance at Local Man’s Funeral

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WWII-Era Sub Found At 7-Eleven

O’AHU, HAWAII — Researchers in Hawaii have uncovered a World War II-era submarine sandwich inside the island’s only 7-Eleven store location.

The sub, known in the early 1940s as a “Spam-n-Depression Special” is made up of mostly Spam, lettuce and iron ore.

RIGHT: An historical photograph of a similar sandwich in its prime, ca. 1941. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read more WWII-Era Sub Found At 7-Eleven

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Grandpa Oblivious That Unformed Bill of Baseball Cap Definitely Upping His Steez

FINDLAY, OHIO — Local 91 Year Old Alfred Wintacki remains oblivious to the fact that the unformed, flat bill of his Cleveland Indians snapback baseball cap is definitely upping his level of steez, several of his great-grandchildren confirmed yesterday. Read more Grandpa Oblivious That Unformed Bill of Baseball Cap Definitely Upping His Steez

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Kayak.com Now Offering Tropical Vacations to North Pole

NP-40 DRIFTING ICE STATION, NORTH POLE — Travel-discount website Kayak.com recently launched a new promotional package featuring an all-inclusive, tropical vacation to the North Pole, sources report.

According to the website’s homepage, the promotional package offers a six day, five night stay in “the world’s newest tropical paradise.” Read more Kayak.com Now Offering Tropical Vacations to North Pole

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Abusive Boyfriend Proposes With “Conflict-Free” Diamond to Show He Has Sense of Humor, Too

MADISON, W. VA. — Local 24 Year Old Jeffrey Kiln recently proposed to Ashley Brenevaldi with a certified “conflict-free” diamond ring in an effort to show that, in addition to his constant physically, mentally and emotionally abusive behavior toward his longtime girlfriend, he also generally has a pretty good sense of humor about things, sources report. Read more Abusive Boyfriend Proposes With “Conflict-Free” Diamond to Show He Has Sense of Humor, Too

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NFL Attempts to Curb Concussions By Mounting 11-Inch Steel Spike to Front of Every Helmet

NEW YORK — In an effort to cut down on the growing number of concussions suffered by players, the National Football League has announced plans to adopt a new, official helmet design that will feature an 11-inch steel spike mounted to the forehead region, sources report. Read more NFL Attempts to Curb Concussions By Mounting 11-Inch Steel Spike to Front of Every Helmet

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