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Politicians, Pundits and Pursuers of Poontang

Politicians, Pundits and Pursuers of Poontang

I wanted to learn a second language. There are approximately 6,900 of them out there to choose from and I couldn’t decide which one to spend my time on.

I ruled out Chamicuro right away because only 8 people in the world spoke that language. I saw a picture of them, all toothless and horribly wrinkled, gathered together in the center of their village in Peru. I figured by the time I learned to speak Chamicuro they would all be dead.

I also drew a line through Dumi Bo’o, Liki, Njerep and Kaixana for pretty much the same reason. I talk to myself enough as it is.

It only made sense to choose a language spoken by the most people. French, German and Mandarin seem to be the big hitters. With Russian, Spanish and Japanese close behind.

Esperanto is supposed to be an international language, the one spoken by the most people around the globe. I don’t know anyone who speaks Esperanto so I didn’t bother with that one either.

It soon occurred to me there was another international language. One that everyone spoke but few understood. As odd as that sounds, it was true. People were always hearing it spoken but not really understanding it. And when they spoke it to someone else their real meaning was lost to the listener.

I wasn’t sure how something could be so prevalent and yet so completely misunderstood. It was here I found my language of choice and set out determined to become fluent in Bullshit.

It was the obvious choice because Bullshit is the preferred language of politicians, pundits and pursuers of poontang. I happily include myself in the latter category but my sense of honor prohibits me from taking undue advantage of anyone. So, I vowed to use my new found literacy in Bullshit for intellectual pursuits only and not try to talk some unsuspecting young woman into doing things she never knew she wanted to do.

It became evident at once that Bullshit was the sole form of communication used by the news media. That would be my focus of study. I worked hard at it and once I gained proficiency in this mother tongue I was astounded at what I was finally able to understand. It was very disheartening.

I will share some of what I learned but I feel you need to learn for yourself. As I did, start with the news media and after a bit I’m sure you will begin to recognize all the different dialects of Bullshit. I have listed a few of them below to help get you started.

Mostly Bullshit

This one was difficult to pick up at first because there are specks of truth here and there. But it is only used to camouflage the real Bullshit.

Mostly Bullshit is both misleading and convincing at the same time. It assumes if they feed one slice of the pie you’ll happily pounce on what’s left. Be careful here. It takes a practiced eye to spot and understand it.

Biased Bullshit

This one will acknowledge no other point of view. It takes shameful advantage by telling you what you want to hear. It is utterly devoid of any perspective. It convinces you that what they tell you is good and anything anyone else tells you is bad.

You need to take great care with this one because it can overwhelm your sensibility and leave you believing what you are being told is the absolute truth.

Straight Faced Bullshit

This is a much used dialect and can be seen either in a panel format or a single individual staring you right in the eye. In the panel format a group of people will speak Straight Faced Bullshit between themselves while you watch and listen. They sometimes become quite animated while insisting what they are saying has any basis in reality whatsoever.

You are outnumbered here so be careful.

When Straight Faced Bullshit is used by a single person they may sometimes employ tools to try and convince you what they are saying is not Bullshit. One of these tools is statistics. At times revealed in charts and graphs held up for your inspection. It can be quite convincing but is actually of no value whatsoever.

The best defense is to dismiss it altogether because there is no way to confirm its accuracy. Which is exactly why they use them. You always need to keep in mind that all users of Straight Faced Bullshit are very well paid. And the more people they can get to listen to them the more money they make. That should always be a red flag.

Total Bullshit

Believe it or not, Total Bullshit can be harder to identify. I have heard it referred to as Blatant Bullshit or Complete Bullshit. They are all pretty much the same thing. There are three ways that I found to detect Total Bullshit. Once you become fluent in Bullshit I am sure you will find many of your own.

The first is when something is attributed to an undisclosed source or a high ranking government official who wishes to remain anonymous. What follows after that is highly likely to be Total Bullshit.

The second is the use of “experts.” Their function is to interpret someone else’s Total Bullshit then add a heap of their own and blend them together in an indistinguishable mess. You have to pay particular attention to this one because somehow they make it all appear plausible. When you become fluent in bullshit you will readily see it makes no sense at all.

The third is closely related to the second one mentioned above. This is of the educated, erudite and urbane variety. These presenters of Total Bullshit try to make you feel as they presume themselves to be. Smart. They rely on convincing you that if you don’t understand what they’re saying it has to be true. Think of them as nothing more than self-important, perfumed dandies.

With Bullshit now under my belt I was able to gain a true perspective on what was really going on. If you are tired of getting suckered then I encourage you to learn how to speak and understand Bullshit as soon as possible.

***

(Contributor’s note: I first heard the expression, “fluent in bullshit”, from Gary Shandling. He may or may not have originated the term; but either way, it’s poor manners to use someone else’s work without proper acknowledgement. Rest In Peace, Gary).

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Sneak Peek at our “How it’s REALLY Made” feature film!

Sneak Peek at our “How it’s REALLY Made” feature film!

First look at our mockumentary featurette about Bobby Joe H. Jr. Jr., the narrator of all our “How It’s REALLY Made” edutainment videos. The full playlist is available on YouTube.

4K/UHD Principle photography is already finished, and we’re now editing and looking for distribution options.

Made with massive help from Ben Slavens, Jason Daniel, Tracy Lundell, Greg the Hero and a bunch more.

Follow us

At www.facebook.com/bobbyjoethemovie to get all the updates, and subscribe here to see some of the videos as they are released… but the Facebook page will have WAY more updates.

Full Video Here!

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STOP THE TYRANNY OF FACTS! Check Your Privilege, and STOP VIOLATING MY INTUITIONS

STOP THE TYRANNY OF FACTS! Check Your Privilege, and STOP VIOLATING MY INTUITIONS

As I just commented to some friends on Facebook about this HORRIBLE article…

We have to do something about the plague of #altliterarycritique!

We truly are in a post-Derridean age, where arbitrary social constructs just don’t matter any more, and anyone can just push their so-called FACTS on us without expecting some sort of radical deconstructive pushback. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Human Interest0 Comments

POMO Priorities (The Ballad of How Occidental Civilization Was Won & Lost)

POMO Priorities (The Ballad of How Occidental Civilization Was Won & Lost)

1. Don’t say REAL MEN DON’T RAPE! That’s essentialist!

 

But men shouldn’t rape…?

STFU! Essentialist!!!!!

***

2. OMG! Stop comparing the Brotherhood to ISIS!

 

But they’re theocrats…

OMG! #Hashtag, not all moderate political Islamists! Continue Reading

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Privileged Latte Liberal Ends Up Hating on Legitimate Asylum Seekers (2/2)

Privileged Latte Liberal Ends Up Hating on Legitimate Asylum Seekers (2/2)

Last time, I brought you a disturbing tale of a pompous campus intellectual who did more harm than good when presuming to speak for asylum seekers.

Unfortunately, I have even more evidence to show that not only does he not avoid misogyny when talking about the Cologne rapes…

He doesn’t even avoid racism, cultural stereotyping or smearing and sweepingly dehumanizing ALL asylum seekers either, by disingenuously characterizing them as ‘culturally diverse’ rapists..

Instead of as individuals who all have different characters, personalities, and points of view.

Like, OMG! Surely not! Can you but IMAGINE…!!!!!!!!!!!! Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Strange People0 Comments

Privileged Latte Liberal Ends Up Hating on Legitimate Asylum Seekers (1/2)

Privileged Latte Liberal Ends Up Hating on Legitimate Asylum Seekers (1/2)

The thing about the postmodernist social justice left is that they often harm the very people they claim to be helping.

The following story is about a (not so?) well meaning middle class latte liberal who wants to stand up for asylum seekers, and ends up smearing them, patronizing them, and making them all guilty with association with the bad guys.

Talk about…

Acceptable Orientalism?! Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Strange People0 Comments

Slavoj Zizek Joins the Pervert Cinema on Youtube

Slavoj Zizek Joins the Pervert Cinema on Youtube

Not everyone knows who Slavoj Zizek is…

But there are those who do!

It’s great to see this parody artist doing an INCREDIBLY convincing parody of Zizek’s mannerism and common phrases. Not sure whether how far the lyrical content can be considered direct quotes or even paraphrases of Zizek’s work? Some of sounds like it’s for real. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Internets Tubes0 Comments

UK’s National Union of Students Declare Holocaust Verboten (2/2)

UK’s National Union of Students Declare Holocaust Verboten (2/2)

Here are some responses to yesterday’s National Union of Students statement on why Holocaust commemoration should be verboten at UK universities. But unfortunately, these responses do not seem to cohere very well with a quote from a notable NUS correspondent…

Which latter passionately assured me that the NUS exists to represent the interests of all students, and to permit students to have a voice and express their views, so that a healthy atmosphere of campaigning and discussion can be maintained. Still, let’s hear from some real students instead!

Sara, a student of art from Israel, suggested a more objective approach: Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, World News0 Comments

UK’s National Union of Students Declare Holocaust Verboten (1/2)

UK’s National Union of Students Declare Holocaust Verboten (1/2)

Notable Champagne-Humanitarian-Edgy-Rhetorical-Club, the NUS (National-Kropotkinite Union of Sympathisers) have taken advantage the most wonderful time of the year…

By sneaking in a typically highly creative and imaginative motion before the Xmas lull.

The motion, translated from the original Pig-German, reads as follows: Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, World News0 Comments

Why Inky is on a Mission to Save Endangered Languages

Why Inky is on a Mission to Save Endangered Languages

When Inky Gibbens learned that Buryat, the northern-Siberian language of my grandparents, was in danger of dying out, she knew then and there that she had to do something. But from a remote part of the Mongolian steppes, she felt powerless to act. However, she was lucky enough to come to the UK in later years, to study modern languages and subsequently focus on language policy and revitalisation during my master’s degrees.

5 years on, she is now founder and CEO of a newly-formed Cambridge-based EdTech startup, Tribalingual, which is pledged to rescue endangered languages from the brink of extinction. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Human Interest0 Comments

Derailing & Fallacies Masterclass: Graduate from Yahoo Answers to Topix!

Derailing & Fallacies Masterclass: Graduate from Yahoo Answers to Topix!

Pol Pot’s Pleasure PWNK

I can’t stand Pol Pot because he’s really nasty. I don’t think he is my leader.

OMG!!!

Yeah but isn’t his adversary Ho Chi Minh nasty too? Would you protest if Ho Chi Minh was in power instead? Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Opinion/Editorial0 Comments

Do We Know How to Spot the Dictator’s Pronoun? (Just No Idea, Have We!)

Do We Know How to Spot the Dictator’s Pronoun? (Just No Idea, Have We!)

The glorious Fuhrer has brought each one of US peace and stability…

Comrade Lenin inspires US all to move forward to win our freedom, under the banner of proletarian scientific socialist Marxist-Leninist thought.

But the evil Arab Muslim tyrant Assad is killing his own people, WE can’t just sit there!!!

Look, WE made a few mistakes in our foreign policy but well hey, what can I say! Shit happens, gotta go with the flow, right?

Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Human Interest0 Comments

Psst! By the Way, the Flâneurs are Coming… ;)

Psst! By the Way, the Flâneurs are Coming… ;)

Hm… I should probably be just that little bit sneaky and conveniently forget that I’ve already told you this, but:

I am setting the price of The Great Flâneur Massacre at $2.99. Hm…

Originally said ‘intended to set,’ but I’m trying to keep on your toes, like all good flâneur-professors say when their words are challenged 😉

I believe this is a fair price to pay for a first novella; particularly one which my esteemed colleagues at Glossy News weren’t prepared to turn their noses up at, when I published two samples!

I mean, these guys sure know their David Mitchell from their David Hassellhoff, or their Noel Gallagher from their… um, Gallagher. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Education0 Comments

Brewer Slams ‘Racist Asian Governments’ on ‘Eurocentric Curriculum’ Bans (2/2)

Brewer Slams ‘Racist Asian Governments’ on ‘Eurocentric Curriculum’ Bans (2/2)

So, why was Jan Brewer displeased that Myanmar, Saudi Arabia and North Korea have recently banned ‘divisive and Eurocentric curricula?’

FFS! This is sheer anti-white hatred! Now, you may use whatever words you wish, young man!

… Oh wait, a girl? Is that the girl who is actually called Kim?

Oh, she’s a man? Did she get a…

Well, why doesn’t that surprise me! They’re not exactly a leading Christian nation, are they? Nothing would surprise me less! Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Politics0 Comments

Brewer Slams ‘Racist Asian Governments’ on ‘Eurocentric Curriculum’ Bans (1/2)

Brewer Slams ‘Racist Asian Governments’ on ‘Eurocentric Curriculum’ Bans (1/2)

Myanmar, Saudi Arabia and North Korea have finally stated that ‘decadent Western capitalist/kafr/woman’ (sic) Jan Brewer of Arizona might be on to something.

Yes, they have recently passed draconian laws to prevent ‘divisive’ university studies.

Myanmar will not allow any university courses, individuals or families to exist that are Eurocentric in character.

So there will be no more even remotely nuanced accounts or critiques of Western historiography of Myanmar… Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Politics0 Comments

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (2/2)

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (2/2)

Shhh. Don’t laugh. This is pretty damn serious stuff.

1.

Rob, Surname-Lacking and Achingly Committed Painfully Irritating Tenure-Cadger

“Relevant?” That’s a word people in power always use to dismiss me.

Endorsement from “Dr” Kent Hovind

Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Education0 Comments

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