Archive | Education

Gambling Classes to be Added to School Curriculum in 5 Different States

Gambling Classes to be Added to School Curriculum in 5 Different States

Stop complaining that school doesn’t prepare you for real life.

“The Real World, Real Skills Bill” has finally passed through the senate — adding gambling classes to the core curriculum of five states. The teachers are abuzz, students are excited and parents are desperately trying to figure out how they, themselves, can enroll. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Ailing John Kerry Combats Mainstream Logic

Ailing John Kerry Combats Mainstream Logic

The entire International Community™ (all ten or so individuals!) have been suddenly cast adrift without guidance and enlightenment…

No, it’s not, as you mighta thought, that Fox’s Glenn Beck and his MSNBC haters have hung up their microphones, leaving the entire global policy world in eternal darkness.

Nah! It’s just that John Kerry is taking a reasonably adequate break™; he’s currently in recovery from severe brain-fry. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Politics0 Comments

Libraries- The Great Whores Of The Literary World

Libraries- The Great Whores Of The Literary World

There used to be a sanctuary to which you could retire for that most blessed and peaceful of soul satisfying balms- silence.

This sanctuary was known as a ‘library’ and throughout the world they could be considered a trustworthy and guarded haven for this treasure of peace whether it be in Bangladesh or the heart of Manhattan.

There entities known as “librarians” would covet and protect this precious jewel of quietude against all assailants be they obnoxious brats, overheated fine payers or homeless wrecks. Continue Reading

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Yes I Can! President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

Yes I Can! President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

When President Obama’s presidency finishes, he won’t be out of a job. Well, he might be out of a job before his Presidency finishes, if the Republicans succeed in impeaching him.

Still, the President says that whenever he leaves the Oval Office, he’s going to use skills he has already required on-the-job, in order to further advance his career.

So, look at what he has to say about this:

I’m great at putting on a show™. I’m charming, witty, GSOH, I can engage the attention of an audience™…

And best of all, I have some great jingles to sing along with the kids!

Hell yeah! You know, there was this one time I was in this school in Arkansas with these really young kids, and I asked them:

Repeat after me! Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!™x10 000.

You guessed it! They absolutely loved it!

You know, those English people, they teach their kids tedious, wordy and unbearably worthy songs like “Old McDonald had a farm,” and the kids just sit there, bored to tears…

But you know, the problem is, these songs are just too complex for the kids to really appreciate them.

That’s right, you guessed it again! My way is different,™ for sure!

I mean, you can’t make things complex, you can’t have the kids just sitting there, thinking “Hmmm, what does this mean?” or “Not too sure about this.”

Uh-uh! No: just stand up, smile, give them two or three words to repeat, do it 40 or 50 or maybe 500 or so times, whatever, they just love it!

For real! I mean, they just get carried away, caught in the mood, and they take it away with them.

Yup! It’s all about the heart, not the head; keep it simple!

Well yeah, I mean, I’ve had plenty of practice doing this at Democratic Conferences; this is the ultimate transferable skill on my resume.

I mean, all I had to do in order to ensure a highly successful Presidential campaign that would trick every body into electing me… sorry, delude… telemprompter fail… sorry, to ensure a campaign that would CONVINCE everybody to elect me…

All I needed was to have them chant over and over again, “Yes we can! Yes we can!” The kids just lapped it up!

I mean, they just loved it… uh, kids?…

Sorry, teleprompter fail, I meant lobbyists… uh, I mean, my rightful voters…

And guess what? I didn’t even require on-the-job training!

Yeah, I mean, I had this skill way before I became Commander-in-Chief.

Um, not Commander-in-Chief; Droner-in-ch… sorry, I mean when I became our… ah, damn that teleprompter!”

However, Hillary Clinton is unimpressed (and not for the first time):

“Well, Barack Obama may be a catchy speechmaker… yeah, who’d deny it!

“But if that’s all he’s got, I just can’t see him succeeding as a kindergarten teacher!”

But wait, isn’t that kinda like what you said last time, Hillary? Well, you know, look how well President Obama did in the end!

Well… apart from the odd teleprompter gaffe, of course…

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Straight-A Med Student Eager to Have Very Own Patients Who Completely Ignore Her Advice

Straight-A Med Student Eager to Have Very Own Patients Who Completely Ignore Her Advice

COLUMBIA – Expressing that there would be, “No greater conceivable opportunity [for her] to help others,” top-of-her-class medical student and part-time brownnoser Isabelle Wessington says she eagerly anticipates a future career in which she, like the many successful physicians she looks up to, will have her very own patients who ignore nearly all health-related advice she gives them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Human Interest1 Comment

Sex Ed Declared Gross and Bad

Sex Ed Declared Gross and Bad

Oakland, Indiana — Sexual Education is a course dealing with human sexuality, including anatomy, reproduction, health, and reproductive rights and responsibilities.

The topic of whether or not sexual education should be instructed in public schools is still highly controversial and a common debate even in 2014.

Jefferson Middle School recently adapted a semester long Sex Ed course required for all seventh graders. This decision received a lot of backlash from angry parents who subsequently demanded a public forum with the Oakland City Schools board to explain their side of things. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Health1 Comment

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HERMINIE, PA — Local High School Student Roger Burman recently scored a perfect 2400 on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) after answering every question with the word, “Google,” sources report.

According to English Teacher Frank Gimley, who proctored the exam, “I figured something was different about [Burman] right off the bat. We started with the Mathematics section, and all these kids were scrawling equations like crazy. But not Roger. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Technology2 Comments

Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture

Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture

SAINT PAUL, MN—Speaking before a mesmerized audience at Hamline University Thursday, Professor Malcolm Forsythe floored the crowd with his complete and utter lack of knowledge regarding even the vaguest details of anything going on in recent pop culture.

Stunned students and visitors alike sat with mouths agape in awed admiration as he listed various figures and subjects with a dignified distance that most of them could only dream of. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Education0 Comments

Job Advice: Know When it’s Time to Go!

Job Advice: Know When it’s Time to Go!

In my 30 years as a professional employment specialist, I have created the state of unemployment numerous times for many different reasons. Each “involuntary separation” has its own set of unique challenges and style points, but I consider a few aspects universally applicable.

There are numerous articles outlining the minutia of keeping a job, but let’s face it: sometimes its best to just get the hell out of Dodge.

In this age of the Non Empathetic Company how do you know when it’s prudent to just quit? Let a non empathetic career expert tell you the top five ways to know when it’s time to go. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education, Human Interest0 Comments

Pappy Worked His Way Through College; Jr. is Boned

Pappy Worked His Way Through College; Jr. is Boned

We’ve heard it countless times from conservatives, congressan and conservative congressman… My dad (the speaker) was poor, but he worked his way through college, and “here I am! A self-made success!” Yeah, those days are gone.

An aspiring poor simply cannot pay their way through college, and here’s the math, in case you doubt reality. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education1 Comment

School District Hires Adult Film Stars to Teach Sex Ed Classes

School District Hires Adult Film Stars to Teach Sex Ed Classes

(Corry, PA) – In what will be known as one of the most progressive decisions in academic history, the members of the Corry Area School District of Erie County Pennsylvania have voted to allow adult film stars, Raven Gavina and Brock Lancer, to join their faculty and teach their sex education classes. Continue Reading

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Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok

Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok

As a successful entrepreneur and highly sought-after business guru, Glossy News often consults me to provide my business advice for people trying to climb the ladder of success “How can I ever become as successful as you?” Well the short answer, of course, is “You can’t. Don’t waste your time trying.”

That said, there are still several things you can do to ignite your career, including offering to have sex with your company’s president or blackmailing the CFO with photos from last December’s Holiday Office party. But these strategies are best reserved for the experienced career climber. For someone with your more modest level of talent and ambition, how about we start with something a bit more basic, shall we? Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education0 Comments

New Bumper Stickers For Our Mass Educated Times

New Bumper Stickers For Our Mass Educated Times

For years we have heard the mantra that ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher” thrown at us from bumper stickers and signs everywhere. Of course the school system will surely not broadcast so loudly their failings- the brainwash, the intimidation, the browbeating, the systematization of everything possible.

If they ever did, here is what these bumper stickers would look like:

If you are so robotic that you have no will of your own, thank a teacher.

If you are working at Walmart because you always believed that only other people can tell you what to do, how to do it and when to do it, thank your educational system.

If school shootings happen because a system of education ignores the anger made from bullying, intimidation and repression, thank a School Principal.

If you have been so conditioned by school indoctrination that it is impossible to think outside the box, thank a teacher.

If you were intimidated by a ‘good ole boy’ system that patted bullying jocks on the back and looked the other way when they exercised their ‘right’ to dominate and harass at schools, thank a school administration.

If you have come to believe that only the A students and the athletes count for anything in a society, thank your school system.

If you can do nothing creatively but only copy what others do, thank an education system.

If you cannot exercise your own free will without fear, thank your schooling.

If you are obese, unhealthy or have bad posture due to sitting in a chair all day without any physical exercise, thank an educational policy plan.

If you are so intellectually trained that you can only think in one dimension, thank a school curriculum.

If you have been so skilled in a narrow, specialized field that if it were to become obsolete you would be permanently unemployed, thank a school system.

If your self esteem is down around where your shoes should be due to being brow beat throughout school, thank a teacher.

If you have been molded into believing that life after high school is nothing more than an extension of the rigid social structure of what you experienced there- ie. only some people can be popular, authority figures determine your whole life, that certain sports, arts, careers, social groups, etc. are only for a privileged elite, then thank a fossilized learning system.

If you cannot understand anything outside the confines of your own community, religion, nation or political party, thank a school system.

If you have been conditioned to being a tool of a system that only recognizes a hierarchy of football players, cheerleaders and other sports personnel as being the heights of society, thank your school.

– – – – – – – – –

For an expert look at what is wrong with our school system and what needs to be done about it, read Dumbing Us Down by John Gatto, a former Teacher Of the Year nominated by the New York School System. Everyone who has ever been educated in America should read it.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently bumpers are significantly wider where this author lives.

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Sarah Palin Receives PhD in General Studies

Sarah Palin Receives PhD in General Studies

Conservatives around the nation are rejoicing at news that former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has be awarded a Doctorate of Philosophy in General Studies by Pensacola Christian College.

According to sources close to the governor, Palin began working on the program online soon after losing the 2008 presidential election alongside John McCain.

Due to her conservative credentials, Palin had about thirty percent of the 72 units required for the doctorate waved, giving her a head start in the program. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education1 Comment

College Nerd Gets Back at Frat Guys

College Nerd Gets Back at Frat Guys

After semesters of humiliation, a major league nerd at the University of Arizona has exacted revenge on the group of frat brothers who targeted him for ridicule for his nerdiness, among other faults.

In a personal interview with Bill Maher, Clarence Frederick, 21, recounted the multiple times he had been verbally accosted by the entourage of beer-worshipers whilst completing his normal walk to the dining hall on Saturday afternoon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education1 Comment

Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act

Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act

With the pending education fiscal cuts, the White House and Congress have cooperated in creating a proactive initiative that is not only financially feasible, but will ensure quality education.

Working with other members of the Committee on Education and the Workforce, Representative Michael Paulson has drafted the We Don’t Care about Our Children Act (WDCAOCA).

The bill has been lauded by the White House and the Department of Education as “practical” and “the biggest reform in the history of the public education system.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Politics1 Comment

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