Archive | Education

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HERMINIE, PA — Local High School Student Roger Burman recently scored a perfect 2400 on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) after answering every question with the word, “Google,” sources report.

According to English Teacher Frank Gimley, who proctored the exam, “I figured something was different about [Burman] right off the bat. We started with the Mathematics section, and all these kids were scrawling equations like crazy. But not Roger. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Technology2 Comments

Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture

Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture

SAINT PAUL, MN—Speaking before a mesmerized audience at Hamline University Thursday, Professor Malcolm Forsythe floored the crowd with his complete and utter lack of knowledge regarding even the vaguest details of anything going on in recent pop culture.

Stunned students and visitors alike sat with mouths agape in awed admiration as he listed various figures and subjects with a dignified distance that most of them could only dream of. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Education0 Comments

Job Advice: Know When it’s Time to Go!

Job Advice: Know When it’s Time to Go!

In my 30 years as a professional employment specialist, I have created the state of unemployment numerous times for many different reasons. Each “involuntary separation” has its own set of unique challenges and style points, but I consider a few aspects universally applicable.

There are numerous articles outlining the minutia of keeping a job, but let’s face it: sometimes its best to just get the hell out of Dodge.

In this age of the Non Empathetic Company how do you know when it’s prudent to just quit? Let a non empathetic career expert tell you the top five ways to know when it’s time to go. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education, Human Interest0 Comments

Pappy Worked His Way Through College; Jr. is Boned

Pappy Worked His Way Through College; Jr. is Boned

We’ve heard it countless times from conservatives, congressan and conservative congressman… My dad (the speaker) was poor, but he worked his way through college, and “here I am! A self-made success!” Yeah, those days are gone.

An aspiring poor simply cannot pay their way through college, and here’s the math, in case you doubt reality. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education1 Comment

School District Hires Adult Film Stars to Teach Sex Ed Classes

School District Hires Adult Film Stars to Teach Sex Ed Classes

(Corry, PA) – In what will be known as one of the most progressive decisions in academic history, the members of the Corry Area School District of Erie County Pennsylvania have voted to allow adult film stars, Raven Gavina and Brock Lancer, to join their faculty and teach their sex education classes. Continue Reading

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Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok

Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok

As a successful entrepreneur and highly sought-after business guru, Glossy News often consults me to provide my business advice for people trying to climb the ladder of success “How can I ever become as successful as you?” Well the short answer, of course, is “You can’t. Don’t waste your time trying.”

That said, there are still several things you can do to ignite your career, including offering to have sex with your company’s president or blackmailing the CFO with photos from last December’s Holiday Office party. But these strategies are best reserved for the experienced career climber. For someone with your more modest level of talent and ambition, how about we start with something a bit more basic, shall we? Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education0 Comments

New Bumper Stickers For Our Mass Educated Times

New Bumper Stickers For Our Mass Educated Times

For years we have heard the mantra that ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher” thrown at us from bumper stickers and signs everywhere. Of course the school system will surely not broadcast so loudly their failings- the brainwash, the intimidation, the browbeating, the systematization of everything possible.

If they ever did, here is what these bumper stickers would look like:

If you are so robotic that you have no will of your own, thank a teacher.

If you are working at Walmart because you always believed that only other people can tell you what to do, how to do it and when to do it, thank your educational system.

If school shootings happen because a system of education ignores the anger made from bullying, intimidation and repression, thank a School Principal.

If you have been so conditioned by school indoctrination that it is impossible to think outside the box, thank a teacher.

If you were intimidated by a ‘good ole boy’ system that patted bullying jocks on the back and looked the other way when they exercised their ‘right’ to dominate and harass at schools, thank a school administration.

If you have come to believe that only the A students and the athletes count for anything in a society, thank your school system.

If you can do nothing creatively but only copy what others do, thank an education system.

If you cannot exercise your own free will without fear, thank your schooling.

If you are obese, unhealthy or have bad posture due to sitting in a chair all day without any physical exercise, thank an educational policy plan.

If you are so intellectually trained that you can only think in one dimension, thank a school curriculum.

If you have been so skilled in a narrow, specialized field that if it were to become obsolete you would be permanently unemployed, thank a school system.

If your self esteem is down around where your shoes should be due to being brow beat throughout school, thank a teacher.

If you have been molded into believing that life after high school is nothing more than an extension of the rigid social structure of what you experienced there- ie. only some people can be popular, authority figures determine your whole life, that certain sports, arts, careers, social groups, etc. are only for a privileged elite, then thank a fossilized learning system.

If you cannot understand anything outside the confines of your own community, religion, nation or political party, thank a school system.

If you have been conditioned to being a tool of a system that only recognizes a hierarchy of football players, cheerleaders and other sports personnel as being the heights of society, thank your school.

- – - – - – - – -

For an expert look at what is wrong with our school system and what needs to be done about it, read Dumbing Us Down by John Gatto, a former Teacher Of the Year nominated by the New York School System. Everyone who has ever been educated in America should read it.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently bumpers are significantly wider where this author lives.

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone1 Comment

Sarah Palin Receives PhD in General Studies

Sarah Palin Receives PhD in General Studies

Conservatives around the nation are rejoicing at news that former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has be awarded a Doctorate of Philosophy in General Studies by Pensacola Christian College.

According to sources close to the governor, Palin began working on the program online soon after losing the 2008 presidential election alongside John McCain.

Due to her conservative credentials, Palin had about thirty percent of the 72 units required for the doctorate waved, giving her a head start in the program. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education1 Comment

College Nerd Gets Back at Frat Guys

College Nerd Gets Back at Frat Guys

After semesters of humiliation, a major league nerd at the University of Arizona has exacted revenge on the group of frat brothers who targeted him for ridicule for his nerdiness, among other faults.

In a personal interview with Bill Maher, Clarence Frederick, 21, recounted the multiple times he had been verbally accosted by the entourage of beer-worshipers whilst completing his normal walk to the dining hall on Saturday afternoon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education1 Comment

Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act

Progress in Education Reform: The We Don’t Care about Our Children Act

With the pending education fiscal cuts, the White House and Congress have cooperated in creating a proactive initiative that is not only financially feasible, but will ensure quality education.

Working with other members of the Committee on Education and the Workforce, Representative Michael Paulson has drafted the We Don’t Care about Our Children Act (WDCAOCA).

The bill has been lauded by the White House and the Department of Education as “practical” and “the biggest reform in the history of the public education system.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Politics1 Comment

Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense

Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense

AUBURN – After years of internal struggle, a Libertarian activist has come forth and admitted his chosen ideology does not make any sense.

Jon Rockwell, 23, who likes to go by the nickname “Voluntaryist Rand,” told reporters that Libertarianism cannot be reconciled with the fundamentals of human nature and basic logic, no matter how much he wishes to believe so.

“I have spent years trying to back away from this singular point, but it’s no use. Libertarianism was my brother – I loved it, but nothing can stop these little grey cells of mine from issuing a verdict, ” he said. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Politics10 Comments

Cornfed Beefcake Seeks Harvard Professorship

Cornfed Beefcake Seeks Harvard Professorship

RANSON – An angry, cornfed beefcake has announced his intention to quit the family farm and apply for a full professorship at Harvard University.

Josiah Wilkins, who has only completed a GED and 10 college credits, made his plans clear in an interview with the local newspaper.

“My desire is to join the world of big learning and spread my wings rounds about my teaching of advanced graduate and mini graduate courses,” he said. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education1 Comment

Facing SOC 101 Test, Man Makes Peace w/ God

Facing SOC 101 Test, Man Makes Peace w/ God

MIDDELTOWN – With the frightening prospect of his last test this semester for SOC 101 at Lord Fairfax Community College heightening, Bo Buzby is heading to church.

“I simply cannot afford to go through with this trial without first making my peace with God. The possibility of defeat ain’t outside tarnation, and so I’m not sure what to do,” he conceded.

Buzby came to the realization that he needed to be ready for the end after realizing his grades in the introductory Sociology course haven’t been so hot this semester. With one F, two D’s and one C- in all the exams so far, as well as straight zeroes across all homework, Buzby is on the edge between a passing grade of D- and complete failure of the course. He needs to earn an A if the former is to become reality. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Religionism0 Comments

YOLO Demise Discovered; Most Adherents Deceased (Part 1)

YOLO Demise Discovered; Most Adherents Deceased (Part 1)

YOLO, short for “you only live once”. Easily the “don’t worry, be happy” of 2011, is now gone, all but forgotten. But why is this phrase out of use? A recent study finds it’s because most who lived by it are now dead.

It’s an acronym that’s been around since 2004, but in 2011 hip hop artist Drake introduced this phrase to the ignorant masses in his awful but popular single “The Motto”. Within months it went from motto, to anthem, to mantra to eulogy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone0 Comments

PhD Thesis Lists “Yahoo Answers” as Source

PhD Thesis Lists “Yahoo Answers” as Source

MIT has become embroiled in a massive academic scandal after the discovery that one of its PhD students’ thesis utilized Yahoo Answers as a source.

Although details are still murky, sources inside the university claim PhD candidate Phillip Kwon inserted the citation as the 84th footnote for his doctoral thesis on Intermolecular Transpiration, which he defended before a committee last spring. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Environment3 Comments

Report: Someone, Somewhere Actually Pursuing Career In Dental Hygiene

Report: Someone, Somewhere Actually Pursuing Career In Dental Hygiene

INDIANAPOLIS – A report released Friday has found that someone, somewhere is actively taking steps to realize a lifelong dream of becoming a dental hygienist.

Even though the position would require a wide level of seemingly demeaning duties, such as cleaning people’s gums and treating others for gingivitis, the report found that an individual – possibly more than one – is presently enrolling in a 2-year associates degree program at a dental hygienist school, with the intention of actually turning it into a career. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Education1 Comment

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