Carville Named “Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar”

Carville Named “Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar”

16 June 2009 02:28 - by Sagman44

Washington – Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano introduced James Carville today as the Department’s new “Right Wing Threat Assessment Czar.” A political science professor at Tulane, Carville is inexplicably married to Republican strategist Mary Matalin.

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories1 Comment

Social Security Poor-a-scopes

Social Security Poor-a-scopes

14 June 2009 11:54 - by ZoJack

At Glossy News we find it perpetually important to bring you the news that means the most to you, whether as news briefs, satire, lymerick or even horoscope. With that in mind we’d like to review some of the changes proposed to social security by explaining to you, comfortably in the form of horoscopes, just […]

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Posted in Horoscopes0 Comments

War Criminals Pack Wimbledon Stands

War Criminals Pack Wimbledon Stands

12 June 2009 03:50 - by Rusty

The Centre Court at Wimbledon last Sunday saw a plethora of famous faces and porcine celebrity past-its packed into the stands to watch the men’s singles final between Roger Federer of Cuckoo Clock Land and Andy Roddick of the good ole’ US of A.

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Posted in Sports Scandals0 Comments

12yo Boy “Not Father” According Reason, Fact

12yo Boy “Not Father” According Reason, Fact

29 May 2009 12:18 - by Rusty

Alfie McScrunt, the boy who was reported to have fathered a child when he was 12 years old, is not the baby’s father, DNA tests have shown. Alfie, now 13, of Smegmadale’s Sink or Swim Housing Estate, told the ‘underage sex’ columnist from the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette that he was ‘dead chuffed’ (Chav-speak for ‘proud’) […]

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Posted in Kidz Zone0 Comments

Middle East Caught Harboring WWII-Era Nazi

Middle East Caught Harboring WWII-Era Nazi

11 May 2009 02:02 - by Rusty

Pope Benny, the all-new German Mark XVI model, has left Rome for a visit to the Middle East – the first tour of the holy places of Christendom by a Pope since Christianity lost Jerusalem to the great unwashed Islamic hordes of Saladin during the Crusades of the Middle Ages.

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

Fat Gits Causing Global Warming

Fat Gits Causing Global Warming

23 April 2009 03:05 - by Rusty

This week’s Dogwanker’s Review headline reveals that being overweight is bad for the environment as well as your health, according to the results of a leaked survey financed by the Ministry for Wasting Money. Researchers at the London School for Idiotic Studies found that overweight people were likely to be more responsible for carbon emissions […]

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Posted in Environment1 Comment

Crush on Dora of Explorer Fame Finally Reality

Crush on Dora of Explorer Fame Finally Reality

15 April 2009 06:31 - by Dominic Benjamin

Like any good American, I watch an inordinate, almost embarrassing amount of television. Personally, I’m partial to cartoons and shows involving adults dressed as oversized animals, typically dancing around while pretending to teach some lesson or other, but what I’m most partial to is that most alluring of child-centric starlets, Dora the Explorer.

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

Billy Bob Thornton Eager to Pick Fights, Expose Inner Dick

Billy Bob Thornton Eager to Pick Fights, Expose Inner Dick

13 April 2009 06:37 - by Brian K. White

Billy Bob Thornton is an Oscar winning writer and Oscar nominated actor, though he’s perhaps best known for his position as the one-time daddy figure husband of Angelina Jolie. He’s also known by literally hundred of the world’s citizens as the powerhouse behind the hillbilly fusion band “The Boxmasters”. Following a particularly humiliating interview on […]

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Posted in Music1 Comment

Matrix Made Keanu Reeves 1/3rd Billionaire

Matrix Made Keanu Reeves 1/3rd Billionaire

22 March 2009 09:20 - by Brian K. White

If you’re a big fan of The Matrix, or The Matrix Reloaded, you likely assume Keanu Reeves earned a hefty Hollywood sum, and you’d be partly right. He did earn a massive pile of money, but it was more like a Kingly sum. Of course, if you’re a big fan of The Matrix Revolutions, you’re […]

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Posted in Biz News, Talky Pictures0 Comments

Anybody Realize How Much Keanu Made Off the Matrix?

Anybody Realize How Much Keanu Made Off the Matrix?

22 March 2009 06:05 - by Brian K. White

If you’re a big fan of The Matrix, or The Matrix Reloaded, you likely assume Keanu Reeves earned a hefty Hollywood sum, and you’d be partly right. He did earn a massive pile of money, but it was more like a Kingly sum. Of course, if you’re a big fan of The Matrix Revolutions, you’re […]

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Posted in Talky Pictures0 Comments

Jap Granny Set to Kung Fu Chop Competition

Jap Granny Set to Kung Fu Chop Competition

12 March 2009 04:20 - by Rusty

A 94-years-old Japanese widow and grandmother of six is hoping to beat George Foreman’s record as the oldest fighter to win a World Boxing Association title. Miko Kamikaze, since ‘coming out’ and declaring her FemDom lesbian sexual orientation at the age of 85 is now trying to become the oldest world champion at 94 – […]

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Posted in Sportsfolk0 Comments

US Fathers Pledge to Model Obama: Promise Kids Puppy If Elected President

US Fathers Pledge to Model Obama: Promise Kids Puppy If Elected President

21 January 2009 06:05 - by Brian K. White

Taking up the difficult charge requested of the nation’s newest president, fathers around the country have stepped up to make difficult choices and keep hope alive in the next generation. Many are doing this by emulating the exact behavior of Barack Obama and promising their dog demanding children that they too can have a puppy… […]

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone, Politics0 Comments

Sharon Osbourne’s Reputation as Typical Bee-Hotch Unbroken

Sharon Osbourne’s Reputation as Typical Bee-Hotch Unbroken

14 January 2009 05:53 - by Brian K. White

I’ve seen that Sharon Osbourne and wondered how much of the icy face we see is put on by MTV and how much of it is the machinations of her own inner demons. Between the erratic behavior on her American obscure end cable show and what I’ve learned from the likes of Ricky Gervais, I […]

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

God Answers McCain’s Prayers with Resounding “No”

God Answers McCain’s Prayers with Resounding “No”

01 November 2008 07:46 - by Brian K. White

God, highest imagined power in all the universe, perhaps best known as the creator of day and night, took a few minutes away from his daily chore of answering billions of prayers for wealth, fame and sexual partners to publicly address a persistent request from one of his most visible, though least faithful followers, John […]

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

WNHL Combines Canada’s Two Greatest Exports

WNHL Combines Canada’s Two Greatest Exports

24 August 2008 05:59 - by Brian K. White

Perhaps you’ve heard of Canada, it’s the nation inconveniently separating the contiguous United States from the industrious state of Alaska. Despite their reputation as a nation “not having a reputation,” marketing executives have come up with a product that will finally put Canada on the map, which currently, at least on maps printed in the […]

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Posted in Sports Events0 Comments

Bush Commands AF-1 Due South to Greenland, Stays the Course

Bush Commands AF-1 Due South to Greenland, Stays the Course

30 December 2007 07:39 - by Brian K. White

Mere minutes into Air Force One’s flight from Andrews Air Force Base to Greenland, it was reported that President Bush entered the flight deck with commands to “Continue your southerly heading.” The President, known for his resolve, was undeterred by new information suggesting Greenland may instead lie to the northeast of Virginia, insisting, “If we […]

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Posted in Politics, Strange People0 Comments

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