In a strange press release distributed by the US Department of Defense on Wednesday, US Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel says Malaysia Flight 370 was attacked by time traveling Cylons and was forced to jump to hyperspace.
“The Boeing 777 has been a super secret, black ops project of the Department of Defense for some time. The plane in question had been equipped with futuristic, faster than light engines, developed from reverse engineering of alien technology from space ships that traveled to our time from the distant future.”
“Evidence gleaned from these apparently friendly spaceships indicated certain persons were vital to the survival of the human species, who at the time were engaged in a galactic war with a machine civilization dedicated to the eradication of carbon based life forms. Kind of like Star Trek The Movie but more non-judgmental.”
“Consequently, the United States embarked on a program to identify the ancestors of these individuals, protect them and put them on a fast track of technology, military education and leadership disciplines.”
“Up until Battlestar Flight 370 went missing, we believed these friendlies from the future were the only ones to have time travel capability. But early into the flight of 370, a Cylon battle cruiser materialized out of no where and began firing on the plane.
“We can only assume it was their objective to alter future, fixed time lines by eliminating the ancestors of these critical military leaders and soldiers. Kind of like Terminator, but more inclusive and politically correct.”
“Assisted by Flight Attendants Starbuck Tengku and Boomer Raja, Senior Pilot Admiral Zaharie Ahmad Shah Adama and Co-Pilot Colonel Fariq Abdul Hamid Tigh were able to ascertain the threat and put the ship into hyperspace before the plane was disintegrated.”
“We have no idea where they are, but pray they are safe. We can only say one thing to these heroes, if they can hear us, Live Long and Prosper…or Namaste…or Get your hands off me you damn, dirty ape.”