During a White House Rose Garden press conference Thursday, President Barack Obama, in an effort to drive Russian forces from the Crimean Peninsula, announced far reaching sanctions against Vladimar Putin’s wife, Lyudmila.
“We have frozen funds in her Citicorp and Bank of America savings accounts, erased her Skymiles, cancelled her credit cards to Barney’s, Pottery Barn and Victoria Secret, and made sure she will never again experience pilates at Moscow’s LA Fitness Center.” said Obama.
Obama continued, “In addition, we have attached the allowances of Putin children, Mariya and Yekatarina, and liened assets in their college funds. The United States of America will not condone the illegal invasion and annexation of sovereign territories…except Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico, Guam and the Fire Islands.”
Obama ended the press conference by shouting, “Don’t mess with me Vlad, I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”