5 Steps To Hosting A Million Dollar Party

So, you made your way into college…Great, good job! Now all that’s left for you to do, is to acknowledge you have no place there and all your future holds for you is a prime career in flipping burgers.

Nah, I’m joking, you’re probably the spoiled brat of a millionaire anyway and you don’t have to lift a finger for the rest of your life. The only reason you’re in college is because it’s good PR for your father’s business empire. Savor it. And if you really want to max out the fun while in Magaluf then you’ve got to go on one of the best booze cruises as these are just ridiculous fun and something you’ve just got to experience while there.

Right: A chick craving an enormous cock.

You have only one responsibility – do not die in humiliating circumstances. This of course is something you naturally strive to achieve only to get back at your dad for paying an extra 200 a month to his bodyguard to play a father figure in your live.

The easiest and most successful way to achieve that is to host the biggest, most bad-ass party EVER. And here is how to do so.

1. Get Money – Have Sexual Intercourse With Female K9’s

There are parties for 20 pounds and there are ones for 20 thousand. You want yours around 200 (input additional zeros here) hundred thousand, just because you can. You’re already overcompensating your personality with your father’s money, so why not just go all the way.


Being a millionaire kind of scores you more money than you can spend, so your case is only a matter of figuring out technicalities like what Seychelles offshore bank account to use to pay for the event. Now that you have that settled, it’s on to the:

2. Logistics

Mother!@#$! You’re going to have so much Bass, you’ll probably cause a 4.5 Richter earthquake, so pick a place in safe distance from any cities or industrial sights.

Having so much bass.
Having so much bass.

An old missile test range should probably be able to facilitate the event, but there is nothing there rather than soil, so you will have to get some construction going on.

The most essential part of the party is the stage, so book the most radical and obscene DJ’s you can find and arrange for a temporary stage to be built. A party also needs a climax.

Following the steps of the Burning Man, you can build your stage in a way, so it can be set on fire right at the end of the event – preferably without the DJ’s themselves, but if they have a desire to die in glory, I guess it’s up to them. I mean, captains sink with their ships, it kind of seems romantic for a DJ to burn to his tunes in front of the scouring cheers of a cocaine-fueled crowd.

Because everybody loves a huge fire.
Because everybody loves a huge fire.

If you’ve watched some American college comedies – and being yourself, you probably haven’t missed a single one, you’d notice one trait in every college party – a centre point. It can be anything – a mud pool, a huge inflatable playground, a bonfire… The options are limitless and depending on the size of the crowd, there can be several such attractions to keep the party going.

Also, arrange transport via land and air for your guests.

3. Permissions

Yes. Yes it is.
Yes. Yes it is.

I only added this chapter so you can laugh at all the ordinary small and miserable people who have to actually get permissions from their parents and their neighbours to host a party with loud music after ten o’clock.

It’s hilarious, isn’t it ?

You’re the son of a real world Tony Stark. Iron Man’s son has enough money to host his event into the Police Station and blast it to smithereens afterwards, if he wanted to. Permissions is something people come to you for, not the other way around. Funny, though.

Anyway, back to our cataclysmic event.

4. Invitations

Simply invite everybody. There was a case where a British girl made an open Facebook invitation for her 15th birthday. Several hundred people showed up, hammered, and destroyed her family’s house.

A neighbour even related it to the Belfast riots in the 70’s – that is perfect. You want the same exact thing, only bigger. Make an open invitation on every social media network in existence. If you feel it’s not enough, you can even develop your own social website to promote your party.

You want to shadow every large world event hosted in the history of the universe. I mean, it fits your ego-centric God complex to the fullest, so it only makes perfect sense to do so. Tomorrowland is yesterday, Ultra Music Festival is infra and Mayday needs urgent help, because you’re party will shatter the limits of possible.

Roughly the size of your target without their +1s.
Roughly the size of your target without their +1s.

5. Consumables

Alright, it was all fun and some small games until now, but it’s time to get to the serious realtime stuff like – the escape room and booze. Also contact every major beer manufacturer in your country and get them to deliver a truck-load to the set location. Also, tell to leave the trucks, as you can set them on fire and drive them into the already burning stage, cause… you know.. it will ROCK!

Then, get in touch with the government and lay your hands on some repossessed drugs. Which one ? – EVERY ONE! You want to have so much drugs and alcohol you can safely be called a monopolist in the field. Sobriety is a crime you must not tolerate on your party.

DAAAAAAMN!!!!! *Charlie Sheen being impressed.*
DAAAAAAMN!!!!! *Charlie Sheen being impressed.*

It’s not a bad idea to make a sandbox of cocaine and a slide towards a pit of pills. Mix them up, so it’d be more fun. You can also add bales of marijuana to be timely thrown into any ongoing fires to spice up the air for everyone.

Of course, you want to pack up a strong amount of junk-food and candy to allow your guests to refuel for a new dose of drugs and alcohol. Ideally, you can come to an agreement with any or every fast-food chain to build a temporary franchise in the location of your party. Although, remind them of the risk of investing in any property around the area.

Prepare a list of independent hospitals equipped with helicopters and on stand by 24/7 to accept traumatised, overdosed, smashed, bludgeoned, stabbed, raped, chewed and burned patient. As I said, a lot can and will happen on your party, so prepare for a world-war high body count. It’s good to have at least one chopper on-site to transport the first few and most critical cases.

There we go, you’re set. Now, you’re going to recall this party as early as a week after you go out of coma, so don’t worry about the little details.

Things like little pregnant girlfriends, whose names are as mysterious to you as the reason you have a tattoo on your testicles are already taken care of by daddy. Just relax and let everything fall in it’s place. Well, I guess you can be a bit concerned about outstanding federal cases of manslaughter, but that will sort itself out as well.

Author: AudreyWright

Audrey Wright is a freelance writer from London, UK. She graduated the City of Westminster College with an A-level degree in English Language and Literature. Audrey is a current contributor to End of Lease Cleaning London - a provider for top quality end of tenancy cleaning services in London. Should you ever feel the need, don't hesitate to contact them 24/7 at: End of Lease Cleaning London

8 thoughts on “5 Steps To Hosting A Million Dollar Party

  1. Well, the day is still young.

    Thought your article was hilarious. Are you trying your hand at little satire and humor?

  2. No… Unfortunately, I haven’t had the pleasure of holding an enormous cock.. Oh well.

  3. Let’s face it, poultry’s just one of those hot-button issues.

    However, someone getting in trouble for bringing their topical medication onto the premises while attending an execution would be hilarity for the whole family.

  4. FWIW I wrote it a couple of days after the Pope blessed that guys parrot in St. Peters square (topical) and of course changed the parrot to a very large rooster (premise) and yes, it had sexual innuendo…it wouldn’t have been funny otherwise (execution).

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