Category: Top Stories
John McCain Wants My Money, Assumes I’m (Fiscally?) Retarded
Oh Johnny Mac, you were once a man of principle. Now you’re not even a man of interest. With a subject line of “Get out of here, you low-life scum”. Oh this, promises to be great. What follows from there…
Mitt Romney Admits He’s a ‘Douche-bag’
Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race yesterday stating that he was not qualified for the job. “I’m a douche-bag”, Romney. “I don’t know what’s going on with the American people. You don’t want a loser…
Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes
Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage. Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spoke…
Busted: GlossyNews.com Faked Charlie Hebdo-Style Attack to Cash In on Expanded Readership
“Absolutely despicable!” stated loyal Glossy fan Jason Nimknuts when he found out about it. “I knew they could be low, but I would never have imagined them stooping to this! Dumb bastards!” After seeing the famed French satire magazine Charlie…
Mitt Romney Cannot, Will Not Win (Yet Again) And Here’s Why
Time Magazine has a great article about Mitt Romney, and how his third (and final?) attempt at running for office will be no better than before. On the early morning of Election 2012 I ran an article entitled “Obama WILL…
Kimmy’s Hate Train Still Boarding Passengers
North Korean dictator and renowned chunky monkey Kim Jong Un continues on his world famous crazy train picking up more passengers at every stop. We’re making a North Korea satire film. Click here to help our fundraising! Not content with…
Nightmares Prompt Kim Jong-un to Take Up Zumba
Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a big way and has been keeping N. Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for well over a year now. The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing…
Misspelled Sign Places Pep Boys in Hot Water
Portland, Oregon – Manny, Moe & Jack may soon be changing their names to Fanny, Blow & Whack following the grand opening of the newest Pep Boys store on Alberta Street in downtown Portland on Saturday morning. Prior to opening…
2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)
We continue this week with Part II of Glossy News’ Year in Review for 2014. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much, but it’s here for the curious. A couple of wars, a few natural disasters…
Islamic Terrorists Shot In Paris Arrive In Jihadist Heaven
The three Islamic assassins who killed French citizens at Charlie Hebdo and a Jewish delicatessen arrive at the destination they had given their lives for, the Jihadist heaven promised them. An angel greets them as they arrive. “Welcome gentlemen. I…