“Absolutely despicable!” stated loyal Glossy fan Jason Nimknuts when he found out about it. “I knew they could be low, but I would never have imagined them stooping to this! Dumb bastards!”
After seeing the famed French satire magazine Charlie Hebdo’s sales go into the stratosphere when their new issue came out only two weeks after their office personnel were gunned down by Islamic extremists, the publisher and crew of Glossy News Website, a Seattle based Ruppert Murdochesque media conglomerate, got the bright idea to make their own little tragedy.
Having contact with the local acting community, Editor Brian White hired a couple of ‘Middle-Eastern terrorists’ to ‘attack’ his office. He got a number of his staff, both willing and unwilling, to act as ‘victims’ in his sordid plot.
The ‘terrorists’ raided the elegant steel and glass five story Glossy News Headquarters in the Seattle Center section of Seattle, Washington on the evening of Jan. 14th. Sporting a bruised face and an alleged bullet in the belly, Mr. White greeted the late arriving police with the news that the two radicals had beaten and kidnapped a number of his staff and that two lay dead in the office hall.
SWAT team Sergeant Chesthair said of the situation “It was strange- we came in and and there were two bodies lying on the floor with a pool of blood between them. Then when we come back five minutes later they were gone. Mr. White claims the Islamists had come back and taken the bodies to make videos with, but every bit of the blood was gone too as though someone had mopped it up. Since when do Jihadists come back and clean up after their messes? And there was this strange smell of cheap ketchup in the air….”
Going on Officer Chesthair mentioned “Mr. White was a bit odd himself. He had been shot and beaten up, yet showed no interest in going to the hospital or even having it looked at by a medic. “Oh, its nothing!” he kept on saying. “Its just a flesh wound!” Since when, I’d like to know, is a gut shot a flesh wound? That’s the type of wound where they used to put the woundee out of his misery. In fact, Mr. White seemed to be jumping about quite lively for someone who had just had the piss beat out of him. There was something fishy about it all.”
Surveillance camera clearly show two dark skinned men, dressed in the full traditional Arabic habibs and thobes entering the building. The are surprisingly obvious for jihadists trying to keep a low profile. Their accents sound strangely Mexican. Their guns are also of a odd design, resembling super soaker plastic guns painted black.
The kidnapped workers were all eventually found in the area. One of the writers in the group, a Mr. Rfreed, approached a police station downtown with bruises that looked suspiciously like smeared on coal dust and oil and a superficial cut on his neck that he claimed “was from them trying to cut my head off!”. He said they had pushed him into a car and taken him out to a pier where the men said they were going to “give him a Syrian haircut”. He claimed to have escaped by using judo on them and pushing them into a boat. A police search of the area produced no evidence although a couple of bathrobes that had been hand painted brown and two fake beards were found in a pile in a nearby alley. In the pockets were Mexican pay phone cards.
The remaining missing authors who are asking for anonymity were found tied together in a neighborhood warehouse. Other than the same strange bruises they seemed to be in good health. Questionable was the large bag of McDonalds burgers next to them that were still warm and the fact that their hands were tied in front of themselves with rubber bands.
“We finally called the FBI in on this one and they put two and two together and figured out that this whole thing was a scam to repeat the success that Hebdo had with their tragedy.” Officer Chesthair went on. “I tell you, I’ve had to deal with some scumbags before, but nothing like this crew!”
Unfortunately for Glossy Enterprises the whole shebang has gone viral. The incident is being lampooned on the majority of humor websites and John Stewart lambasted it in the opening segment of his Daily Show to howling peals of laughter from his audience. The Onion had a front page headline stating ‘Satirical Website Takes Satire From Computer Screen To Real World’. Charlie Hebdo itself announced it would be devoting its whole next issue to the scam. FOX News pundits are shredding the story to pieces, especially Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter who are tearing into it like pit bulls after raw meat. “This just shows how manipulative and devious the liberal media can be.” commented Bill O’Reilly huffily on his show.
Death threats and hate mail have been pouring into Glossy. “You should be executed and buried in pig offal.” stated one letter. “You cheats should be put into prison forever and your children sold into slavery!” said another. “You people should be lashed until you have only ribs for a back!” was a third. And these were the comments from the Christians.
A speedy trial has been ordered for this Wednesday because of the growing unrest this has created in Seattle. Already Charlie Hebdo size crowds have formed in Seattle Center and in downtown Seattle waving banners saying ‘Je Ne Suis Pas Glossy’, ‘Ship Them Off To Guantanamo!’ and ‘Sell Them To The Arabs For Love Slaves!’.
Messages from all the various Islamic terrorist groups have poured in claiming no responsibility for this attack what so ever. They also threatened a beheading to any who dared say they did.