Mitt Romney Cannot, Will Not Win (Yet Again) And Here’s Why

Time Magazine has a great article about Mitt Romney, and how his third (and final?) attempt at running for office will be no better than before.

On the early morning of Election 2012 I ran an article entitled “Obama WILL Win Today, And Here’s Why” and I was blasted by conservative friends for it.

Well, they were critical for about 10-12 hours until early returns started rolling in and they were exactly as predicted.

Mitt Romney stands a chance, but not a fair chance, in the 2016 elections.

I could wax poetic for days, but rather than that, I’ll quote a few Redditors instead, since they’re much more succinct than I could ever be.

Redditor JDLX says:
M0therf*cker doesn’t relate well to the majority of humans.

Here’s some reasons why no American should vote for Mitt Romney:

– In 1968, while young men in America were being drafted to serve in Vietnam, Mitt, a rich governor’s son, received deferment after deferment, and eventually went to France for “missionary work.”

Now, I can almost let that slide, until you hear his story about how “hard” it was over there to “get checks from home” and how “electricity went out sometimes” And I could still almost let that slide if he hadn’t been protesting IN FAVOR of the draft which he full well knew he wasn’t participating in. (And if you’re wondering, 16,592 not-Mitt-Romneys died that year in Vietnam. That’s what Mitt was in favor of.)

– Also, somehow, he’s on the Republican ticket? Don’t you remember John Kerry being swift boated, and the cries of “DRAFT DODGER!” directed at Bill Clinton? “Does anyone in the GOP remember anything ever?” is probably also a valid question, admittedly.

– Every Presidential Candidate since 1968 has released 12 years of their tax returns as a show of good faith to the American public. We can’t have a tax cheat in the White House, levying taxes on all of us normal folks. Mitt Romney has refused to release his tax returns. John McCain saw them in 2008 and had to choose the brainless Sarah Palin as his running mate, likely because Mitt has been cheating for decades, and pays a lower tax rate than most Wal Mart employees, and was involved in the 2009 UBS banking amnesty scandal.

Now, nobody’s saying yay or nay to that, but the fact that nobody can see them (and the one guy who could dropped arguably the best GOP VP choice like it was on fire) feels pretty damning to me, and it should to you too. This isn’t some idiotic birth certificate thing (because honestly, outside of making someone you don’t like ineligible for office, the location of someone’s birth is pretty irrelevant. But, since it’s a thing that’ll keep Ted Cruz out of the White House, I suppose the knife will cut both ways.)

– Wait, let’s revisit that last one with a quote: “Any politician who will not show multiple year taxes may be hiding something.” – George Romney, 1968, during his Presidential campaign. The last name is familiar because that’s Mitt’s father.

– I’m still not done with the the tax thing. Think about what you grossed last year. For most of you, that’s going to be less than $77,000. $77,000 is the amount that the Romney’s claimed as a deduction for his wife’s “therapy” horse. Now think about that, and ask yourself: How does this guy relate to your average American?

He’d be the first president to have millions stashed in overseas tax havens! I think if we’re going for “Presidential Firsts” I would much prefer it to be the first President with down syndrome than that.

– Mitt Romney had a second run of his autobiography printed to remove the portion where he boasts about how good RomneyCare was for MA, and that it should be a model for national healthcare. It’s functionally identical to the PPACA. I have to explain this everytime someone asks how Mitt’s book made it on my shelf. It’s a collectors item now!

The guy is a lying rat fink that will 180 on any position he has depending on who he’s talking to, and will go as far as to revise his own autobiography. He’s a slimy, nasty, tax cheating Wall Street executive who’s claim to fame is what’s called “slash and burn” capitalism.

Go hit YouTube and watch him in the 2008 GOP debates, and then in the 2012, and when he’s not rolling eyes and smirking, he’s lying. If you can get through all of that and still vote for the guy, you’re as much of a sociopath as he is.

Sociopath? Yep. What kind of person says – and I quote “Corporations ARE people, my friend.”

Redditor Hyndis says:
Mitt Romney is pretty much an avatar of a corporation. He came across as having zero humanity to him. What does Mitt Romney do for fun? Does he ever get angry? Does he get surprised? Does he laugh and smile?

George W Bush, for all of his failings, was very human as a president. I believe him to be a well intentioned man who was out of his depth, which allowed Cheney to run the White House. But George W Bush still came across as an actual living, breathing human being.

Same with Clinton. He had his failings as a president, jogging to McDonalds to feast on greasy fast food and getting it on with interns. But these failings made him human. None of us are perfect. We all have our vices and bad habits.

Obama also comes across as an actual human being. He’s a family man. His daughters do things that annoy and worry him (any potential boyfriends are probably cavity searched by the Secret Service). He goes out for ice cream and hamburgers, he sometimes says dumb things, he gets exasperated. He’s not perfect.

And that really is the key. Don’t be perfect. No one is perfect. We’re all imperfect creatures.

Mitt Romney is so perfect in everything he does he comes off as if he’s a robot built by a corporation, funded by very rich people.

Maybe it was all an act by Romney. Maybe he comes off as being far more warm, approachable, and downright human when he’s not acting. If thats the case, then whoever advised him to act like a robot torpedoed any chance of him being president.

If Mitt Romney acted more like himself and less like John Henry Eden, he might have done better. And this is still ignoring his positions and history. I’m just talking about his personality, or lack thereof. He’s unlikeable as a person because he’s so fake.

Redditor tman2met says:
You are ignoring the fact that we have actually seen the real Mitt Romney, and he is just horrible.

The incident with his dog at the car wash. The way he talks about his own wife. The 47% remarks are well known, but do we remember his casual racism vented when he felt safe amongst his peers.

The point is Gov. Romney has to put on this facade, because every single time we get to see the real him, we are thoroughly repulsed.

Mitt Romney is a man who thinks everything in the whole world revolves around him. He’s turned presidential runs into a hobby not because he thinks he could help America, but because he thinks he deserves it. He is an established sociopath.

If he ever does get into office, I have no doubt he will use it for one thing, to benefit Mitt Romney at the expense of all of us.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

4 thoughts on “Mitt Romney Cannot, Will Not Win (Yet Again) And Here’s Why

  1. Trump has taken both sides on every issue, so yes, it’s POSSIBLE he could do what’s best for the American people. Unlike Rubio or Cruz who have pledged to do evil (and have the voting records to back it up,) Trump is a wild card. His near universal flip-floppery, however, tells me he doesn’t actually stand for anything.

  2. Love the art work. ALL CANDIDATES are egomaniacs but Trump is not owned by the establishment or the Banks/MICs/Pharmas/Energy and other special interests, so…. there is a chance he will do what is right for the people, especially restoring the middle class and the American dream.

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