Categorized | Internets Tubes, Politics

John McCain Wants My Money, Assumes I’m (Fiscally?) Retarded

John McCain Wants My Money, Assumes I’m (Fiscally?) Retarded

Oh Johnny Mac, you were once a man of principle. Now you’re not even a man of interest.

With a subject line of “Get out of here, you low-life scum”. Oh this, promises to be great.

What follows from there is an avalan-tsunami-cane of red meat pandering lies. Not the usual half-truths, mind you, but outright lies.

“Barack Obama has run our military into the ground.”
How so, Johnny Mac? I guess year over year increases, even while all the social programs are being slashed, magically equals “running it into the ground.”

“His policies have spread the perception of American weakness and fostered a disrespect for our nation and our Armed Forces.”
American weakness? What in the senile Arizona hell are you talking about? We haven’t been attacked at home or abroad in years, and less than we were under past (especially Republican presidents,) and somehow this equals weakness?

“That’s why when Code Pink protesters physically threatened 91-year-old former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger yesterday”
They did not, ever, at any time “physically threaten” him. That’s not rhetoric, old man, that’s what we in real ‘murica call a lie.

No, what they attempted was a citizen’s arrest, and they did so knowing full well nothing would come of it.

“I fought back, telling them, “Get out of here, you low-life scum!”
Epithets aside, you can’t be so ignorant as to not know their mission. It’s to end war, redirect war profiteers profits back to desperately underfunded programs in America, and save lives.

Surely you remember when you ran as the candidate of peace.

Remember when you published an article entitled An Enduring Peace Built on Freedom. Were you in a fugue state then, or are you in one now?

Only unpatriotic individuals would disrespect a great American public servant in this manner – and I called them out.
Then let me call you out. You are disrespecting our president in ways that are shameful, unpatriotic and on the cusp of Vaudevillian lunacy.

I was no fan of Bush the younger, but I never ever spoke of him in the ways you speak of Obama, and I’m a satirist. I have license to do that. Sure, I poked a few jabs, but nothing compared to the barbs I have myself pointed at Obama.

I will not stand for cowards and bullies who disrespect American Heroes.
This from the guy who voted to deny veterans the same GI Bill benefits which put you through college. You don’t support the troops. You’ve never supported the troops. If you did there’s no way in hell you could have put them through needless wars as you repeatedly voted to.

I will not stand for our nation’s military to be further eroded and our foreign policy to be one of “leading from behind.”
In polite courtesy, I must ask. Are you on drugs, suffering from senility, or just trying to fleece the exceptionally gullible? I expect it’s the lattest, but that’s a courtesy.

“Further erode” the military? When was it eroded in the first place and what exactly is president Blackenstien doing to diminish it?

He hasn’t vetoed funding for the countless Abraham’s tanks the Pentagon can’t use, or the F35 which has no enemy and almost certainly will never see combat. To be clear, exactly what the hell are you talking about?

If you agree will you add your name to my “I respect America” pledge…
What the shit sort of propaganda bullshit is that? You’re asking people to sign a pledge that they respect America, but what does that even mean? And how can they respect America if the one asking them to sign it clearly has no respect whatsoever.

And that’s shameful. You are a cradle-to-the-grave government teat-sucker. Born on a base, free healthcare for life, government-funded education, straight off the government doll to go right back on it.

… to show these liberal hecklers that the American people don’t accept their despicable tactics?
Their tactics lasted less than a minute. Yours have been ongoing since before 2004. Who should really be ashamed?

…we need to take a dramatic action to ensure a better future.
But you don’t have a plan. We’ve been waiting decades for your brilliant plan, but you’ve never produced it and we both know why. It’s because there is no plan, just more rhetoric.

I will stand up to Barack Obama and anyone else who tries to further weaken our military and America’s national security – will you join me?
No John, I will not.

I gave you money once and that’s the only reason I’m still on your mailing list all these years later, even though I’ve unsubscribed at least three times.

I will not stand with you and I will not support you, financially or otherwise. You are a liar and based on your shameless attempts to try to raise money, I can only assume you are also a con man.

Old age has already ravaged you sufficiently. Every day you remain on earth is another in which you’re being punished for your wrongs and evils, so I sincerely wish you a very long, very slow life.

Of course, it’s not too late to redeem yourself.

You could still stand up for the American people. I have zero confidence you will, but that option is still available to you.

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This post was written by

- who has written 525 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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