We continue this week with Part II of Glossy News’ Year in Review for 2014. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much, but it’s here for the curious.
A couple of wars, a few natural disasters and a political scandal or two – pretty much a replay of 2010 through 2013. Check it out here. Let’s continue now with Part II. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay?
July: In world news, Somalia sweeps again at the 2014 World’s Worst Nation Awards, barely beating out North Korea and Syria for most corrupt, morally bankrupt authoritarian regime.
Somali Prime Minister Omar Abdirashid Ali Sharmarke remarks, “It’s an honor just to be included in the company of such illustrious dictators.” He ends his press conference by thanking the great people of Somalia and announcing that all homosexuals will be executed at dawn for acts of treason against their loving supreme ruler.
August: In health and wellness news, nutrition experts say “Goodbye kale. Hello cauliflower!” proclaiming cauliflower to be the world’s most healthy snack. Critics suggest that nutritionists look up the definition of the word “snack”.
Praising the vegetable’s many health benefits, researchers believe it may help fight cancer. Critics say they’ll take their chances with the cancer-fighting properties found in a slice of pepperoni pizza and a can of Pringles.
September: In economic news, the stock market rally continues, as the Dow Jones hits record highs. Unemployment falls below 6% for the first time in six years. And gasoline prices continue their downward spiral. The Affordable Care Act provides insurance for millions of Americans previously unable to get health coverage, thus curbing rising healthcare costs.
In a related story, President Obama’s poll ratings fall to an all-time low, as millions of stock-holding, car-driving, insurance-covered Americans blame him for the economic mess we’re in.
October: Pope Francis comes out in support of the possibility of evolution. This comes on the heels of his remark, “Who am I to judge?” as he welcomes lesbians and gays into the Catholic Church. Such comments outrage religious conservatives, who insist that forgiveness, compassion for the poor, and tolerance of people who are different have no place in religion. Many question whether this Pope may be a communist, or worse yet, a liberal.
To the amazement of millions, six years after it was launched, Twitter is still around, although nobody really knows why.
In a related story, Republicans hand Democrats a crushing defeat in the mid-term elections and take control of Congress. These patriotic representatives of we, the people, vow to institute wide-sweeping reforms, including impeaching Obama, repealing Obamacare, and basically opposing anything the Communist-in-Chief thinks is a good idea.
Things get dicey, however, when Obama pushes for legislation declaring the USA to be the Greatest Nation on Earth. Republicans frantically try to formulate ways to oppose this proposal without looking like complete assholes.
December: Facilitated by well-known freedom-hater Pope Francis, President Obama moves to officially normalize diplomatic relations with Cuba. This comes amidst vocal protests from Republicans who argue that the President’s reckless decision is in total disregard of the needs of hardworking Cuban raft builders whose livelihoods for the past fifty years have depended on the steady stream of refugees trying to escape to Florida.
In a bizarre news story, Sony Pictures’ plans to release a controversial film, The Interview, – a comedy about an American talk show host recruited by the CIA to assassinate Kim Jong Un – get disrupted when North Korean hackers retaliate for the film’s parody of Kim by crippling Sony’s security system and releasing all their movies onto the internet.
Days later, North Korea’s entire internet is suddenly brought down by hackers apparently hired by an anonymous nation located somewhere between Canada and Mexico, in retaliation for the original hacking stunt. A spokesman for Kim declares, “Obama always goes reckless in words and deeds like a monkey in a tropical forest.” When asked to comment on Kim’s racist remark comparing the president to a monkey, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) asked for clarification as to what part was presumably racist.