A Message For Trump’s Minions Worded In The Vernacular You Understand Best

In a bow to our supposed new President I submit this missive attempting to recreate the style of communicating that he does best in order to express myself properly to those who elected him. This letter, this message, this fatal death rattle is intended for those who brought him to power, to those who so loyally follow and support him. I will put aside my normal filtration of speech and mildly PC manner to which I am used to. I begin-

You stupid f—kheads! Do you have any idea what you have done? By voting for this arrogant bastard from a whore mother you have flushed America down the toilet! Thanks for inflicting your alcohol induced conception of what a President should be on the rest of us!

Do you really believe the bulls—t he spouts? Are you that f—king stupid? He is the greatest con artist since PT Barnum! And the circus he starts will be just as great. Read more A Message For Trump’s Minions Worded In The Vernacular You Understand Best

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Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Activists from the EU referendum Remain Campaign are continuing with plans to pursue criminal prosecutions for many of those who voted to leave the EU.

‘We do not wish to be divisive or retaliatory,’ said a spokesman for the activists, ‘but advice from our legal team confirms that many Brexit voters may be guilty of negligence – and some may be guilty of treason. We believe it to be our public duty to bring these unspeakable criminals to justice.’ Read more Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

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Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

Asylum seeking is not a matter of mere individual self-interest; rather, it should serve the greater good of society and the economy. So, I think if we’re going to have asylum seekers, we need to ensure that any asylum seekers with covert neoliberal and capitalist sympathies should be purged.

Lily Allen recently did a good job of scouting for any uncongenially bourgeois asylum seekers with iPods, fancy wallets or more than one and a half pair of shoes.

It seems that the genuine, meritoriously poverty-stricken asylum seeker community have already been infiltrated by the malevolent neoliberal bourgeoisie.

We’re going to have to work out what to do with any of the asylum seekers who don’t toe the party line.

I was reading a history book the other day in the Islington Ecovedanta Meta-Vegan Cafe, and I think I’m starting to formulate a cunning, erm, a perfectly dialectically rigorous and scientifically socialist plan to deal with the problem of bourgeois roaders and malevolent neoliberal conspirators among the asylum seeker community.

***
Idea derived from Newsbiscuit discussion:
Check these guys out!

Read more Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

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Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

The unelectable Sanders didn’t get the Democratic nomination, the electable HRC didn’t get elected, and the bizarre Donald is now leader.

But what about the allegedly unelectable 80s socialist leader from across the pond, who is now leading the Labour Party? Here’s a bit of a blast from the past.

***

Jeremy Corbyn has been caught red-handed buying discounted bread. Here’s a quote from Johnny Littledick of the Hourly Fail: Read more Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

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4K Glossy News Podcast 070 (11-14-16)

The 4K/UHD podcast is back with an insider’s perspective on how a TV pilot is shot, specifically “Rules for Dudes” produced by Jack Talbert.

The November 21st podcast focuses on my day on set shooting the pilot for “Rules for Dudes” produced by Jack Talbert, starring Russ Garwood and Laura Hunter, supported by a huge group of talented actors, writers and crew.

* The challenges of production are discussed. Read more 4K Glossy News Podcast 070 (11-14-16)

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Newscasters Normalize their Relations with Our Alien Overlord Tromp

Major media personalities strive to retain their credibility after being forced to appear naked on television by our alien overlord Tromp.

Tromp, the mastermind of the invasion from Pluto, created mass panic when he landed in the United States in November, 2016 in a fleet of golden skyscraper-shaped spacecraft. But the corporate media calmed the public by normalizing Tromp’s incursions into what had hitherto been a conventional state of affairs.

“It began innocently enough,” said Don Lime, host of a CNN news hour. “Tromp’s ship landed on top of the White House, crushing it. Even I screamed like a little girl when that happened–and I was live on air! Then my producer shouted into my earpiece: ‘Where’s your gravitas, your savvy, your objectivity?’

“So it occurred to me I had to be brave for the viewers. I locked away my true self and began coldly narrating what transpired. I was like a robot–just observing and describing in the most neutral terms I could think of what was perhaps the greatest disaster to have befallen our nation, as if it was barely even newsworthy.

“When Tromp kicked a baby’s head off, I admit I struggled. How to help prevent a human uprising that could cost millions of lives? How to do my job with dignity and avoid alienating Tromp in case he should decide he’d like to come on my show, perhaps be a regular guest or even a co-host. My producers drew up the contract and everything, so that was in the back of my mind: I had to play it cool with Tromp, because as hideous and inhuman as he was, he was now in charge.”

But then Tromp and his minions decreed that all media personalities, including pundits, analysts, and hosts, would have to perform their on-air television duties nude and uncensored.

“I was taken aback when I heard that one,” said Megyn Sally, journalist and commentator at Fox News. “I thought maybe I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. But when the projected ratings came in, I said to myself, ‘You’ll still have your journalistic integrity as long as you can pretend that nothing unusual is happening. The viewers won’t know the difference, because they’re just zoning out in front of the TV.’

“At first it was strange. I was sitting naked on set behind the desk, the cameramen leering at me and millions of people no doubt staring at my breasts on their television screens. But I reminded myself that I’m an insider, a power elite who’s making millions of dollars a year, and the schlubs sitting on their couches probably don’t even know our planet’s been conquered by an alien power; they live in their little bubble worlds on Facebook and as with the rest of the news, they’ll forget everything they’ve seen and heard minutes after they’ve turned off their TV. So I gutted it out.”

“Megyn Sally has fine knockers,” averred Joe Nobody, a Fox News viewer, “but I’ve seen better on Pornhub.”

When Tromp did consent to be interviewed on CNN, he sat across from stark naked Brianna Keeley and slid his frog-like tongue down her throat, forcing her to improvise.

“I remember thinking, ‘This is most unfortunate,’” said Keeley. “Here’s this tremendous opportunity to interview our alien master, to find out what makes him tick. I mean, what are his plans for us? Will he slaughter half our population or perhaps exterminate us in toto? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

“I’d assumed Tromp might try to use to his advantage the fact that he could decree that I be constantly naked in his presence. But it hadn’t occurred to me he might jam his slimy, two feet long reptilian tongue down my throat and just keep it there for the duration of the interview. My challenge then was to pose my carefully-crafted questions to Tromp without them sounding all garbled.

“At first, I just choked and vomited in my mouth, because I could feel his revolting tongue slithering down my throat. Then it occurred to me that while Tromp’s three hands were occupied with my breasts and other private parts, he’d neglected to control my wrists. So I began furiously writing down my questions with a thick black marker, and I held the paper up to Tromp’s bloated face. I watched as his eyeballs turned to look at my questions, and you know what? He released one of my breasts and scribbled his answers in the space I’d provided him. So it was question and answer, and normality was restored.”

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Mongolian Jokes

When I was young, there was a large statue of Lenin in Ulaanbaatar. In 2012, the Mongolian government removed the statue, denouncing Lenin as a ‘murderer’.

In that same year, I heard this joke:

A Muscovite watches a communist demonstration next to a large statue of Lenin, upon which is inscribed, YOU DIED, BUT YOUR WORK WILL LIVE LONG!

A passerby reads the inscription, sighs, and says, “It would have been better had you lived a long time and your work died.” Read more Mongolian Jokes

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Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia

In a clever, sage move by president elect Donald Trump, Alaska will be returned to Russia on January 21st, 2017. “We stole these lands and they have to go back to their rightful owners.”

The United States purchased Alask from Russia in 1867 for the staggering sum of $7.2 million. Russia had territorial claim, but no real settlement, so the transfer was seen as a win-win, unaware of the future geo-political implications.

“We don’t even use it,” said Trump. “What’s it for? Sure there’s some oil and penguins up there, but they aren’t like us. Just because you’re Nanook doesn’t mean you live in my north.” Read more Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia

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Glossy News Revamp

Glossy News is heading towards a HUGE strategization drive! The first thing you may notice is that some of the pages at the top of the site have been removed. The site will still keep its general integrity and flavor. But any less pertinent or up to date material is being replaced with new stuff.

We really hope you will join our effots to improve this very, VERY long-running fake news and satire site! Please send any written, audio, graphic or video material to wallacerunnymede@gmail.com. If you are interested in helping us with graphics, with social media promotion, or just want to arrange a link swap or republication, or anything else you can possibly imagine, please get in touch. We’re really looking forward to expanding and making an even bigger impact and footprint upon the satire world.

In the meantime, as previously mentioned, please check out our FB page:

https://www.facebook.com/Glossy-News-821363081296896/?fref=ts

We’re looking forward to a great new year of satire. This is going to be BIG! Make sure you don’t miss out.

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4 More Reasons Why You Should Join ISIS

A lot of people were offended by the recent Ten Great Reasons to Join ISIS article by Kilroy.
I found myself at a bit of a loss to write an even edgier article.
However, help is at hand!
Notable Moderate Political Islamist Teddy Ramallah of Cowbridge University has asked me to forward this ISIS recruitment advert to you.
I’m all for tolerance and respecting the sincerely held beliefs of others; diversity is our greatest strength, and as we all share a common humanity, I’m going to respect Teddy Ramallah’s ideological and ethical diversity, just like you ought to respect mine.
We’re all in this together… so, here we go!

#1 License to Kill & Be Killed (Just Like James Bond!)

I mean, I know bitches look down on you and all them white-ass hos don’t give you no pussy. Why don’t you actually get a bit classy so those prissy kafffir girls are actually eating out of your jihadi-bride-whacking fistifcuffs?

#2 No Muh Peer Pressure to Read

I mean, who actually LIKES reading? A lot of jihadists are very intelligent anyway, like Imam Khomeini (peace and blessings of the Dean be upon him), who wrote an entire several-volume book about chicken-fucking and marrying kids. So dump that stupid jaheel college of yours and learn that you actually have something constructive to do in this world. I mean, I can already see you are a better fit here, than there!

 #3 ISIS are anti-imperialists

Iraq and Syria and other apostate countries were carved up from the fall of the Ottoman empire. If you oppose an empire, you are an anti-imperialist! By definition! I mean, how much simpler do I have to say it?

#4 ISIS are Radical Cosmopolitans with a Global Outlook

All we want to do is to abolish all those arbitrary national boundaries that divide and alienate and that capitalists are always taking advantage of in order to oppress and exploit the innocent.
Unlike the racists and nationalists of America, our only desire is to reunited the world and bring about one common humanity and one single global village in peace and universal brotherhood. How many liberal interventionist or neocon infidels have you ever heard saying that?!

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#HASHTAG

#SORRYIFYOUWEREOFFENDED

#IMEANIHAVEJIHADIFRIENDS

#ONLYACOUPLEMIND

#WELLDEARMEPEOPLEREALLYARESOSENSITIVENOWADAYSARENTTHEY

Read more 4 More Reasons Why You Should Join ISIS

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Have You Ever Thought About Joining ISIS?

NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE:

We rarely republish pieces at Glossy News, even though the ‘Glossy News Classics’ occasional series will feature some great work from our back catalogue. But this recent piece was so hilarious, we are publishing it again! And a couple of minutes, my humble follow-up will appear here at Glossy News. I am afraid it cannot measure up to Kilroy’s great story here: but hopefully both pieces will be very enjoyable…

And thought-provoking!

Now, what on earth did I mean by that…

!

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Greetings and salutations dysfunctional Western youth. God is great and so are you! We are ISIS and we are looking for a few good martyrs! Are you that special person who is destined to do great things for a great cause? Then we’re looking for you. Yes you! No, not you, the guy behind you. You there. You!

You didn’t stumble upon this website by accident. You were led here by a greater power. Isn’t that great? But enough polite western salutations and fragile ego stroking of weak infidels soon to die! Did we say that out loud? Sorry. Please allow us to to sing you a subliminal siren’s song about ten great reasons to join ISIS, with a Metallica sound track and nanosecond edited grotesque imagery at regular intervals.

1. Great Tax Breaks—As a member of ISIS you will no longer be required to pay taxes to the imperialist, godless devils of the United States of America. However we do require you make an occasional modest donation to the Martyr’s Fund, which we will use for hookers and booze right after you blow yourself up. Of course we realize such behavior makes us impure but we are willing to take one for the team. After all there is only so much room in Paradise.

2. Great Retirement Plan—Instead of the uncertainty that accompanies the economy you are currently enslaved to, ISIS provides a generous retirement plan for both you and your 72 virgins. Forget that pipe dream of ever owning an IRA and bingo on Wednesday nights… Tell McDonald’s to shove it and retire in the Gardens of Paradise with all of your friends. Read more Have You Ever Thought About Joining ISIS?

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4K Glossy News Podcast 069 (11-14-16) The Post-Election Rundown

The election is over, Donald Trump won, and here’s what it all means.

I called it wrong. That’s the long and short of it, no two ways about it. The polls were within the margin of error, but all the analysts and pundits called it wrong and so did I.

I suspect this means pollsters will be given far less credibility in the next election or few, and earn far less money for their prognostications, and well they should.

I was wrong. The betting markets were wrong. The poll analysts were wrong. Welcome to a Trump presidency. Read more 4K Glossy News Podcast 069 (11-14-16) The Post-Election Rundown

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It Ain’t Over Yet: Post-Election Leak of Clinton’s Secret White Millennial Meetup

The scandalous Clinton leaks continue! Here is the secret transcript of the first two days of November 2016, entitled:

‘Secret DNC Intelligence Briefings.’

November 1, 2016

Two days ago, Hillary Clinton delivered a stunning speech aimed at white millennial voters from a yoga mat in Boca Raton.

Recent advances in genomics allow us the opportunity to rid our children of misogyny, homophobia, and racism.

We can check our white privilege in the womb, and be stronger together.

Tim Kaine was told to delivered the identical speech (from a right wing eugenical perspective, rather than a left wing eugenical perspective), to an rally of 30 in West Palm Beach.

Under hostile questioning from Harball’s Chris Matthews, Donald Trump blurted out something about

White American men voting for Hillary… Believe me… These men are already castrated… Eunuchs… Make America hard again… Bigly.

Gary Johnson embraced a more libertarian position, stating

Men over 18 should have the choice of eliminating the warmongering gene in their genetic sequence… Ohhh, crap! Did that sound bad? Uh… maybe it should be delivered in edible form. Well hey! That a little better?

He further showed interest in taking a CEO position in just such a company after he is soundly defeated next week.

Jill Stein concurred with Johnson, but called for a “global public health care mandate,” also focusing on recycling.

November 2, 2016

Clinton returned to the topic of eugenics. By funding proper publicly accountable and socially expedient research, new advances in genetic engineering will rid conservative men of the underlying seeds of aggression…

E.g. testosterone, male genitalia, and other primitive and backward vestiges of the ancient pre-Clintonian patriarchy.

She says that in order to do this, we must overcharge breadline health insurance users, having first furnished them with a subtle subliminal assurance that:

If you want to keep your dick, you can keep your dick!

Separately she plans to ban the use of email in government, as history has shown that Republicans and other irresponsible right wing conservative bigots simply cannot be trusted with such.

Trump is rumored to be a little angry at this, as the next time Twitter crashes or Fox News has technical problems, he is going to have to rely on email briefings.

Still, he says he is not going to read them, even if he gets them.

Nobody does intelligence reports like me… Trust me, you’re gonna love ‘em!

It is consideredly somewhat unlikely, however, that he will ever once set pen to paper to write such.

The threat of conservative authoritarianism is so serious, that President Clinton must eliminate everyone’s ability to question the government…

Albeit, purely in order to foster a radically pluralistic society with a voluminous diversity of opinions and an active public sphere of debate! For it would be simply impossible to sustain all these latter, if authoritarian bigots and tyrannical fanatics were carelessly permitted to air their views, and to arrogantly prevent others from questioning them.

Angela Merkel, Nicolas Sarkozy and Theresa May have offered to provide as much assistance as they possibly can, short of any remotely substantial commitment of financial resources.

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October Surprise from Autism Speaks: They No Longer Want a Cure? (2/2)

Last time:

After the Los Angeles Times published an op-ed piece by Steve Silberman that included the analogy between autism speaks and the NAACP that I wrote about above, Liz Feld, Autism Speaks CEO, responded urging the autism community to work together. This was years after not responding to repeated criticism by the neurodiversity movement, including that they were eugenicists whose only goal was to find a pre-natal test for autism and urge the abortion of autistic fetuses.

The essay continues:

Another significant event took place. Suzanne Wright contracted pancreatic cancer. This was so difficult for their family, that the Wright’s resigned from the autism speaks board and others took over. This made Steve Shore believe that autism speaks was now a safe haven and after some years of unsuccessfully trying to recruit him for their board of directors, he finally decided to get on board and become a team player. Valerie Paradiz who has stated that she has Asperger’s was the second autistic board member to be appointed by Autism Speaks. Valerie has not only been an opponent for a cure for autism, she stated at least according to one media source that autism is not a disability but a strength. Read more October Surprise from Autism Speaks: They No Longer Want a Cure? (2/2)

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