Archive | November, 2016

A Message For Trump’s Minions Worded In The Vernacular You Understand Best

A Message For Trump’s Minions Worded In The Vernacular You Understand Best

In a bow to our supposed new President I submit this missive attempting to recreate the style of communicating that he does best in order to express myself properly to those who elected him. This letter, this message, this fatal death rattle is intended for those who brought him to power, to those who so loyally follow and support him. I will put aside my normal filtration of speech and mildly PC manner to which I am used to. I begin-

You stupid f—kheads! Do you have any idea what you have done? By voting for this arrogant bastard from a whore mother you have flushed America down the toilet! Thanks for inflicting your alcohol induced conception of what a President should be on the rest of us!

Do you really believe the bulls—t he spouts? Are you that f—king stupid? He is the greatest con artist since PT Barnum! And the circus he starts will be just as great. Continue Reading

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Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Activists from the EU referendum Remain Campaign are continuing with plans to pursue criminal prosecutions for many of those who voted to leave the EU.

‘We do not wish to be divisive or retaliatory,’ said a spokesman for the activists, ‘but advice from our legal team confirms that many Brexit voters may be guilty of negligence – and some may be guilty of treason. We believe it to be our public duty to bring these unspeakable criminals to justice.’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Jay Z Drops “The Bananas Gloat Song.” Goes Viral

Jay Z Drops “The Bananas Gloat Song.” Goes Viral

“Kanye! Kaaaaaanye! Daylight come and you won’t go home….” Continue Reading

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Posted in Music2 Comments

Quick Updates on FREE Ebook Offer… & Youtube Channel!

Quick Updates on FREE Ebook Offer… & Youtube Channel!

Just a quick reminder that today, Saturday 26 Nov, is the last day of this FREE ebook offer!

https://www.amazon.com/Graveyard-Pieties-Snapshots-Patriarchal-Conceits-ebook/dp/B01DOQC9WS

Secondly, I am going to have a NEW Youtube account soon. All the old stuff will be ported over, along with some fresh material! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (2/2): Jihadi Jez Advocates Screening Out Asylum Seekers

Asylum seeking is not a matter of mere individual self-interest; rather, it should serve the greater good of society and the economy. So, I think if we’re going to have asylum seekers, we need to ensure that any asylum seekers with covert neoliberal and capitalist sympathies should be purged.

Lily Allen recently did a good job of scouting for any uncongenially bourgeois asylum seekers with iPods, fancy wallets or more than one and a half pair of shoes.

It seems that the genuine, meritoriously poverty-stricken asylum seeker community have already been infiltrated by the malevolent neoliberal bourgeoisie.

We’re going to have to work out what to do with any of the asylum seekers who don’t toe the party line.

I was reading a history book the other day in the Islington Ecovedanta Meta-Vegan Cafe, and I think I’m starting to formulate a cunning, erm, a perfectly dialectically rigorous and scientifically socialist plan to deal with the problem of bourgeois roaders and malevolent neoliberal conspirators among the asylum seeker community.

***
Idea derived from Newsbiscuit discussion:
Check these guys out!

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Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

Jeremy Corbyn Double Bill (1/2): ‘Dirty Bread’ Shocker

The unelectable Sanders didn’t get the Democratic nomination, the electable HRC didn’t get elected, and the bizarre Donald is now leader.

But what about the allegedly unelectable 80s socialist leader from across the pond, who is now leading the Labour Party? Here’s a bit of a blast from the past.

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Jeremy Corbyn has been caught red-handed buying discounted bread. Here’s a quote from Johnny Littledick of the Hourly Fail: Continue Reading

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Fellow Asperger’s People: ‘Society’ Owes You Nothing

Fellow Asperger’s People: ‘Society’ Owes You Nothing

Here, I am quoting some of my tweets from November 14, 2016.

You can probably guess what facets of my identity motivate these tweets.

If you have autism, ‘Society’ owes you nothing! Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest, Serious CommentaryComments Off on Fellow Asperger’s People: ‘Society’ Owes You Nothing

Google’s Daydream View Brings VR Home

Google’s Daydream View Brings VR Home

While there is a plethora of Virtual Reality (VR) headsets on the market, the new light, comfortable and stylish Daydream View by Google feels like a game changer.

None of the previous headsets have quite hit the sweet spot in terms of price, comfort and usability, to make VR experiences accessible to the mass market. But Google’s Daydream is considerably cheaper than the Oculus Rift or the HTC Vive, is far more comfortable that Google Cardboard and is for mobile VR, so users don’t require a powerful PC. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology0 Comments

5 Day Free Ebook Offer! Graveyard of the Pieties (Amazon)

5 Day Free Ebook Offer! Graveyard of the Pieties (Amazon)

From November 22 to November 26 2016 my ebook Graveyard of the Pieties is available 100% free on Amazon!

Three stories which are rather more ‘literary’ than many of my stories in fake news outlets. Lots of room for deep philosophical reflection on the part of thoughtful readers! However, the stories are very immediate and heartsome, and thus can be enjoyed merely as entertainment. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc0 Comments

Trump Taps Kanye West as Next Press Secretary

Trump Taps Kanye West as Next Press Secretary

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Music, Politics, Strange People7 Comments

4K Glossy News PODCAST 070 (11-14-16)

4K Glossy News PODCAST 070 (11-14-16)

The 4K/UHD podcast is back with an insider’s perspective on how a TV pilot is shot, specifically “Rules for Dudes” produced by Jack Talbert.

The November 21st podcast focuses on my day on set shooting the pilot for “Rules for Dudes” produced by Jack Talbert, starring Russ Garwood and Laura Hunter, supported by a huge group of talented actors, writers and crew.

* The challenges of production are discussed. Continue Reading

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Posted in Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

The Elite Players in World Poker

The Elite Players in World Poker

It’s no secret that there is a lot of fun to be had with casino games. But the fun only usually comes if you are betting responsibly and getting skilled enough to get to win some games. Whether you’re playing blackjack with coins, roulette with chips or Bitcoin slots, you’ll always want to increase your stack.

In poker, the amount and rate at which players earn money will vary drastically, depending on whether they are playing tournaments or cash games. But there are some players out there who are just plain amazing at whatever medium they choose. 

Following on from our feature of the most successful female poker players in the world, here are the elite players in world poker right now.

Daniel Negreanu

Daniel Negreanu was nominated the Global Poker Index player of the decade on the strength of dependably impressive performances on the felt. His largest live cash win to date was the $8.28m he took for finishing runner-up to Daniel Colman in the Big One for One Drop at the World Series of Poker. Negreanu is also the only player to win World Series bracelets in Las Vegas, Europe and Australia.

Negreanu has become a famous figure. This is due to his multiple TV tournament wins and the fact that numerous poker awards have been bestowed upon him. He has been able to capitalise on that success with various promotions and endorsements. As one of the most famous players, he is also one of the most analysed and his style is considered somewhat unconventional and risky.

Not just a Texas Hold’em tournament player, Negreanu places considerable emphasis on the merits of playing many different forms of poker. And he practices what he preaches; he can hold his own against specialists in other poker variants. He has his own website where you’ll find poker tips, videos, a blog, a forum and even a trophy room.

Antonio Esfandiari

One of the most well-liked poker players on the live tournament scene, Esfandiari ‘The Magician’ is known for his extravagant chip tricks. He has appeared on several TV shows and even some movies alongside Robert De Niro, Justin Timberlake and Bruce Willis.

The Iranian-born pro has made six figures every single year since 2004 and has two World Poker Tour titles to go with his three World Series of Poker bracelets. On July 3, 2012, Esfandiari beat 47 other players to win the largest buy-in tournament in history, the Big One for One Drop. He earned a cool $18,346,673 and turned himself into a household name.

His style is very aggressive, with the intention to push the pressure onto the other player and force a mistake. It’s clearly a successful strategy but can mean that Esfandiari is either out on the first day of a tournament or at the final table. There is no middle ground between the two.  

Erik Seidel

Seidel was runner-up to the legendary Johnny Chan in his first major tournament, the 1988 World Series of Poker main event. His final hand that day has become poker legend and was featured in the Matt Damon and Edward Norton movie Rounders.

His best career year came in 2011, with million-dollar prizes on two continents highlighting a prodigious year in which he took home more than $6.5m. Seidel has eight World Series bracelets and is a 2010 Poker Hall of Fame inductee.

He has an adaptive style and reads the game rather than trying to impose his will on the play. It’s made him a consistently big earner on the scene for decades.

Phil Ivey

Dubbed the Tiger Woods of golf due to a similar appearance to the golfer, Ivey first began to develop his poker skills in the late 90s. He also developed the nickname ‘No Home Jerome’ from the ID card he used during his underage playing days.

Ivey has been pronounced as one of the best poker talents around, won his first bracelet in 2000 and has gone on to accumulate 10 World Series of Poker bracelets. Ivey is currently tied with Doyle Brunson and Johnny Chan for the second most all-time number of bracelets won. And at the age of 38, he is the youngest player to ever win ten.

In the 2012 Aussie Millions he took A$2,000,000, then in the same competition in 2014 took away the biggest win of his career with A$4,000,000 and repeated the trick in 2015 with A$2,205,000.

Ivey is an aggressive tournament player and will raise a lot pre-flop because he has the post flop talent to read the game and the player.

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Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020

Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020

In the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object.

As denial about this shocking outcome gives way to anger, then depression and finally acceptance, pundits are deeply divided as to whether Trump’s election means four years of utter chaos, financial collapse, violence on the streets, nuclear Armageddon, and the end of civilization as we know it – or perhaps something far worse.

If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that if you’re running for the most important job in the world, political experience and proven competence are serious liabilities. Trump has re-written the political playbook. In past elections, having no previous relevant experience, combined with a vengeful temperament, a campaign built around stoking anger, fear, hate, racism, misogyny and a knee-jerk impulse to tweet insults at anyone who makes a joke about your hair might put you at a disadvantage. But that’s so November 7th thinking.

Unless our President-Elect amends the Constitution to do away with elections and installs himself as Supreme Commander-for-Life (which experts put at slightly less than 50% odds), then in four years there will be another election. Candidates are already lining up for the chance to go for politics’ brass ring. Here’s a sneak peek at the early frontrunners for the 2020 presidential race.

Kim Kardashian: For those people hoping 2016 would be the year we finally elected a female president, low-education white truck drivers overwhelmingly agree: Hillary was a lame choice – what with all those bland pantsuits, wonky policy papers and annoyingly high intellect. As Trump repeatedly pointed out, Hillary’s not exactly moving the needle on the 10-point beauty scale. No, what this nation is looking for in its first female head-of-state is a hot, curvy reality star who lets her body do the talking. Another qualification: Kim K has 49 million Twitter followers – almost five times as many as Hillary. (We checked.)

2020-election-duck-dynastyPee Wee Herman: Herman has as much political experience as Trump. And if people were amused by Trump’s immature, petulant man-boy behavior, they should be thrilled by Pee Wee Herman. An added bonus: He appears to have no interest in girls (they have cooties), so the odds of an extra-marital scandal are considered extremely remote in a Herman administration.

David Duke: The people saw in Donald Trump someone who overtly demonstrated a racist worldview. And the people loved it. That’s why the smart money is on the former Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard. Oh, sure, in addition to being a white supremacist, he’s also a longstanding Holocaust denier and all-around creep, but those aren’t his only qualifications. He’s committed to making America even greater again, so long as you’re white, Anglo-Saxon, heterosexual, and a bigot – apparently, the fastest growing demographic segment in America these days.

Dennis Rodman: Some consider the fact that the former NBA star once wore a wedding dress to get married – to himself – on national TV – a sign that he might not have quite the temperament to be Commander-in-Chief – or does he? Like Donald Trump, Rodman has always been a loose cannon who routinely says offensive things for attention. But another asset he brings is that he’d come into office with impressive foreign affairs credentials, thanks to his BFF relationship with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. If it looked like North Korea was about to drop a nuclear bomb on us, Kim might just think twice, knowing his bromance buddy is in the Oval Office.

Vladimir Putin: Talk about an outsider! Russia’s chiseled, bare-chested Hunk-Prez is a huge fan of the American presidential electoral process – and how easy it is to manipulate. Many political analysts think he could win. After all, in his own country, he repeatedly keeps winning re-election with 99% of the vote.

2020-election-homer-simpsonTom Brady: The handsome, popular New England Patriots quarterback has led his team to Super Bowl victories a record four times. Can you say WINNER? Plus, have you seen his gorgeous model wife Gisele? Even hotter than Melania! Brady’s team is called the PATRIOTS – proof that he loves America. He once got caught deflating his footballs, which is against NFL rules. So, he’s a cheater – which in politics is a big plus these days.

There are also some lesser-known newcomers that insiders say to keep an eye on. Here are two of our dark horse favorites:

Hank Wilson: Never heard of him? Neither has anybody else. That’s his biggest asset. He’s the ultimate outsider. This perennially unemployed 42-year-old Wisconsinite not only has zero political experience, he has no discernible job skills – unless you consider his talent for making an awesome triceratops shadow animal on the wall with his hands. With an IQ close to 100, Hank perfectly represents the average American voter. Did we mention, Hank loves to fish? If elected, he’ll need a ride to Washington, as he lost his driver’s license due to a series of DUI’s.

Champ: Like Madonna and Beyoncé, his one-word name is easy to remember, as well as a symbol of his image as a champion of the people. He’s also strong, brave, kind and extremely loyal. The fact that he’s a Golden Retriever might seem to disqualify him as a candidate, but remember, no one thought Trump was qualified either. Technically, Champ is only six years old. But in dog years that makes him 42, more than old enough to meet the minimum age requirement for president.

Finally, you may wonder why we haven’t included Donald Trump in this list of possible contenders for 2020. That’s because if he survives his inevitable impeachment trial, by 2020 with four years in office, he’ll just be another establishment Washington insider. And Americans would never elect someone like that.

This is just a first look at the possible contenders for 2020. Over the next four years, the field will likely change significantly. Personally, I’d say the smart money is on Champ. Unlike our new president-elect, he can be trained to do as he’s told.

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Posted in Making Headlines, Politics1 Comment

Newscasters Normalize their Relations with Our Alien Overlord Tromp

Newscasters Normalize their Relations with Our Alien Overlord Tromp

Major media personalities strive to retain their credibility after being forced to appear naked on television by our alien overlord Tromp.

Tromp, the mastermind of the invasion from Pluto, created mass panic when he landed in the United States in November, 2016 in a fleet of golden skyscraper-shaped spacecraft. But the corporate media calmed the public by normalizing Tromp’s incursions into what had hitherto been a conventional state of affairs.

“It began innocently enough,” said Don Lime, host of a CNN news hour. “Tromp’s ship landed on top of the White House, crushing it. Even I screamed like a little girl when that happened–and I was live on air! Then my producer shouted into my earpiece: ‘Where’s your gravitas, your savvy, your objectivity?’

“So it occurred to me I had to be brave for the viewers. I locked away my true self and began coldly narrating what transpired. I was like a robot–just observing and describing in the most neutral terms I could think of what was perhaps the greatest disaster to have befallen our nation, as if it was barely even newsworthy.

“When Tromp kicked a baby’s head off, I admit I struggled. How to help prevent a human uprising that could cost millions of lives? How to do my job with dignity and avoid alienating Tromp in case he should decide he’d like to come on my show, perhaps be a regular guest or even a co-host. My producers drew up the contract and everything, so that was in the back of my mind: I had to play it cool with Tromp, because as hideous and inhuman as he was, he was now in charge.”

But then Tromp and his minions decreed that all media personalities, including pundits, analysts, and hosts, would have to perform their on-air television duties nude and uncensored.

“I was taken aback when I heard that one,” said Megyn Sally, journalist and commentator at Fox News. “I thought maybe I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. But when the projected ratings came in, I said to myself, ‘You’ll still have your journalistic integrity as long as you can pretend that nothing unusual is happening. The viewers won’t know the difference, because they’re just zoning out in front of the TV.’

“At first it was strange. I was sitting naked on set behind the desk, the cameramen leering at me and millions of people no doubt staring at my breasts on their television screens. But I reminded myself that I’m an insider, a power elite who’s making millions of dollars a year, and the schlubs sitting on their couches probably don’t even know our planet’s been conquered by an alien power; they live in their little bubble worlds on Facebook and as with the rest of the news, they’ll forget everything they’ve seen and heard minutes after they’ve turned off their TV. So I gutted it out.”

“Megyn Sally has fine knockers,” averred Joe Nobody, a Fox News viewer, “but I’ve seen better on Pornhub.”

When Tromp did consent to be interviewed on CNN, he sat across from stark naked Brianna Keeley and slid his frog-like tongue down her throat, forcing her to improvise.

“I remember thinking, ‘This is most unfortunate,’” said Keeley. “Here’s this tremendous opportunity to interview our alien master, to find out what makes him tick. I mean, what are his plans for us? Will he slaughter half our population or perhaps exterminate us in toto? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

“I’d assumed Tromp might try to use to his advantage the fact that he could decree that I be constantly naked in his presence. But it hadn’t occurred to me he might jam his slimy, two feet long reptilian tongue down my throat and just keep it there for the duration of the interview. My challenge then was to pose my carefully-crafted questions to Tromp without them sounding all garbled.

“At first, I just choked and vomited in my mouth, because I could feel his revolting tongue slithering down my throat. Then it occurred to me that while Tromp’s three hands were occupied with my breasts and other private parts, he’d neglected to control my wrists. So I began furiously writing down my questions with a thick black marker, and I held the paper up to Tromp’s bloated face. I watched as his eyeballs turned to look at my questions, and you know what? He released one of my breasts and scribbled his answers in the space I’d provided him. So it was question and answer, and normality was restored.”

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Mongolian Jokes

Mongolian Jokes

When I was young, there was a large statue of Lenin in Ulaanbaatar. In 2012, the Mongolian government removed the statue, denouncing Lenin as a ‘murderer’.

In that same year, I heard this joke:

A Muscovite watches a communist demonstration next to a large statue of Lenin, upon which is inscribed, YOU DIED, BUT YOUR WORK WILL LIVE LONG!

A passerby reads the inscription, sighs, and says, “It would have been better had you lived a long time and your work died.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Human Interest0 Comments

Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia

Trump Agrees to Return Alaska to Russia

In a clever, sage move by president elect Donald Trump, Alaska will be returned to Russia on January 21st, 2017. “We stole these lands and they have to go back to their rightful owners.”

The United States purchased Alask from Russia in 1867 for the staggering sum of $7.2 million. Russia had territorial claim, but no real settlement, so the transfer was seen as a win-win, unaware of the future geo-political implications.

“We don’t even use it,” said Trump. “What’s it for? Sure there’s some oil and penguins up there, but they aren’t like us. Just because you’re Nanook doesn’t mean you live in my north.” Continue Reading

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Posted in World News1 Comment

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