Pollsters Predict Catastrophic UK General Election Defeat For Conservatives

Pollsters Predict Catastrophic UK General Election Defeat For Conservatives

UK polling organisations have today published their predictions for the June 8th UK General Election.

They forecast unanimously that the Conservatives will suffer a crushing defeat, losing their majority in parliament.

The pollsters have further predicted that the UK will be governed by a coalition of the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, the Scottish National Party, the Democratic Unionist Party, the Green Party, Plaid Cymru, the Co-operative Party, Sinn Féin, the Social Democratic and Labour Party, UKIP and the Ulster Unionist Party.

‘This evaluation may seem surprising,’ said a spokesperson for the pollsters, ‘but due to the disastrous inaccuracy of recent predictions, we have totally revised our methodology.

‘Previously,’ she continued, ‘we interviewed a statistically valid sample of the voting population to draw our conclusions. You only have to look at what subsequently happened, however, to see that this approach must have been fundamentally flawed: the Brits voted for Brexit, the Yanks voted for Tump and the Turks voted to replace democracy with autocracy – all in total contradiction to our best, statistically based predictions, and, indeed, contrary to common sense.

‘It became clear that mathematics and logic could no longer be applied to national elections or referenda. On recent reckoning, it appears to be just a matter of time before the popular vote leads us all to abandon the wheel, outlaw fire and reside in caves.’

The spokesperson went on to explain that the new methodology had been derived from the actual outcomes of recent elections and referenda.

‘The one common feature of recent ballots,’ she explained, ‘is that results turned out to be the polar opposite of predictions made by the educated, liberal, middle classes.

‘As a consequence, our new predictive methodology simply requires a pollster to drop into any UK pub and strike up a conversation with the first intelligent, educated, liberal, middle class person they encounter. Predictions are then based on the reverse of that person’s expectations.’

Current predictions regarding the 2017 General Election are based on a reversal of views expressed by George Edmonds of London.

George was interviewed by a pollster at the Dog and Ferret in Neasden on the 22nd April 2017.

George is a university educated civil servant who owns a detached house in Wembley Park. He is an active member of his community, has a keen interest in current affairs and leans politically towards the Liberal Democrats. He fits perfectly the newly established profile of a person whose predictions about the outcome of any election or referendum will be as inaccurate as they could possibly be.

George thought it was an inspired political move by Theresa May to call an instant general election. He thought she would win with an increased majority and thus have a mandate to crush all opposition to her government’s policies – particularly in respect of Brexit.

He thought Mrs May would deal with Scotland by building a wall. He had read how this idea had occurred to her when Donald Trump had rung to ask for Hadrian’s phone number.

George further believed that Jeremy Corbyn provided slightly less opposition than a chocolate teapot, and expressed bewilderment as to why Labour Party activists believed their leader’s brand of nineteenth century Marxism could possibly inspire any significant number of the UK’s population to vote Labour. He predicted, therefore, that the Labour vote would plummet.

In summary, therefore, George was convinced that Theresa May would wrong-foot weak and intransigent opponents and would end up in a position akin to Boudicca – as the Iceni queen rode, sword in hand, to obliterate Colchester, London and St. Albans.

‘In the past,’ concluded the spokesperson for the major polling organisations, ‘George’s perspective might have seemed to be a fair analysis, and it would almost certainly have been supported by conventional surveys.

‘The new methodology, however, predicts that the exact opposite of his analysis will occur for reasons that God only knows.

‘Our new analytical model anticipates, therefore, that George Edmonds will once again be saying to the barmaid of the Dog and Ferret on the 9th May: “I don’t believe it. How could everyone have been so stupid again?” On this occasion, however, he will add: “And how on earth could Jeremy Corbyn have possibly become Prime Minister?”’

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President Trump Trashes Oval Office

President Trump Trashes Oval Office

White House sources have confirmed that President Trump has caused considerable damage to the Oval Office.

‘He turned over tables,’ reported one source, ‘upended chairs, ripped curtaining and threw paintings out of smashed windows onto the White House lawn.’

‘He was beside himself with fury about the judgement of the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals,’ said one aide, ‘in which three judges unanimously refused to block the Seattle court ruling that halted the president’s ban on US entry by citizens from seven, mainly Muslim, countries.’

During his rampage, the president was reported to have screamed: ‘I’m the goddam president. I can eat all the ice cream I like; have friends for sleepovers when I want; stay up late; look at whatever I want on the Internet; demonise any group of people I don’t like, and do anything else I damn well please. I can, I can, I can, I can!!!’

‘He was inconsolable for many hours,’ added Doris Hoover, the cleaner employed to keep the Oval Office tidy. ‘When he’d stopped stamping his feet and banging on the walls, he just sat down on the floor and cried. I was real cross with him at first as it’s gonna take me ages to get the room right again. I then felt sorry for the poor little fellow, sat down beside him and gave him a cuddle. He told me between sobs that it was all sooo unfair. He couldn’t understand why “so called God” had let “so called judges” in “so called courts” be so horrid to him.’

Greta Mindstein, a leading US psychologist, has pointed out that, although alarming, this behaviour is characteristic of a normal developmental phase. ‘Usually, however,’ Ms Mindstein explained to reporters, ‘this stage tends to have passed by the age of five or six – and certainly long before a person is eligible to become president of the United States. It’s an effect of what Freud called “infantile narcissism”‘ she clarified, ‘and derives from the greatly exaggerated sense of self-importance that many very young children develop from their natural tendency to see themselves as the centre of their universe.

‘Rational grown-ups placing boundaries on such behaviour,’ Ms Mindstein continued, ‘is part of a learning process. In the case of the president, the recent constraint on his behaviour – and others that will inevitably occur in the near future – should ultimately be internalised as he progresses towards emotional maturity.’

A senior presidential advisor has confirmed that the president has begun to feel a lot more cheerful as time has passed since the Appeal Court ruling, and is looking forward to going to the park to play baseball with his friends and then having his favourite burgers for supper.

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Glossy News Accused of Balanced, Factually Accurate Reporting

Glossy News Accused of Balanced, Factually Accurate Reporting

The government and media have angrily accused Glossy News of publishing well researched, balanced and factually accurate articles.

‘This is a total disgrace,’ passionately screamed a representative of the National Union of Journalists. ‘Glossy News is respected for its spoof news stories. We expect fake news from its writers. Some of what it’s publishing now is, well, just plain wrong.’ Continue Reading

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Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Activists from the EU referendum Remain Campaign are continuing with plans to pursue criminal prosecutions for many of those who voted to leave the EU.

‘We do not wish to be divisive or retaliatory,’ said a spokesman for the activists, ‘but advice from our legal team confirms that many Brexit voters may be guilty of negligence – and some may be guilty of treason. We believe it to be our public duty to bring these unspeakable criminals to justice.’ Continue Reading

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Will The Real Donald Trump Please Stand Up?

Will The Real Donald Trump Please Stand Up?

In early November 2016, Scotland’s first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, expressed more clearly than many other world leaders the hope that Donald Trump, when in office, would be very different from the Donald Trump she had witnessed on the presidential campaign trail.

Comments attributed to Mr Trump while campaigning have led many to accuse him of being racist, sexist, and discriminatory towards people with disabilities – to name just three character traits that have met with liberal-minded disapproval.

If Ms Sturgeon and others are to have their wish fulfilled, however, Mr Trump, after entering the White House on 20th January 2017, will need to consistently demonstrate liberal, tolerant, non-discriminatory opinions and behaviour.

Suppose this did indeed occur. Imagine that the first act of the new president was to personally champion the cause of disabled, Mexican, Muslim women. Many would wonder what could possibly have led to such an apparent transformation.

In such circumstances, the following might be rationales to consider – doubtless all would be proposed:

1 – The CIA – or the shape-shifting, lizard-like aliens who control the world – had replaced Donald Trump with a liberal look-alike.

2 – A divine messenger had shown up in the Oval Office, pointed out that Mr Trump was in his latter years and explained that God remained undecided about whether the president’s final elevator journey should be up or down.

3 – Donald Trump had been part of an elaborate hoax for a US reality TV show. The writers had constructed a character from a composite of least desirable presidential characteristics. Then, somehow, it had all got out of hand.

4 – Donald Trump had been a really nice guy after all and had wished to be president to do good in the world. He had lied to get elected as he had correctly calculated that only a racist, sexist bigot could hope to win the hearts and minds of more than half the US population. Also, the Ku Klux Clan vote could have been a clincher.
This scenario has an interesting corollary in that Mr Trump’s alleged threats to go after his opponents after the election could transform into him targeting his own supporters. He might passionately castigate those who elected him, saying how disgusted he was by their behaviour and telling them that their appalling attitudes had no place in the modern world.

5 – Donald Trump had always been the ideal president. He had been targeted with a misinformation campaign by a biased media – a media that had been supporting a political elite who had become out of touch with, and had ceased to care about, ordinary US citizens.

6 – Donald Trump had really been as bigoted as the liberals had feared. He had discovered, however, that, as president, the pragmatics of balancing complex political factors, both at home and overseas, constrained his words and actions. He had been forced to concede that a president is not nearly as powerful as one might think.

When will the real Donald Trump reveal himself?

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Swan Morrison Novel Excerpt (Deep Black): Russian Double Agent Conspiracy?

Swan Morrison Novel Excerpt (Deep Black): Russian Double Agent Conspiracy?

Written by Swan Morrison – the award winning author of Judgement Day Deep Black is yet another affectionate comic tribute to many classic storylines.

Deep Black is a true story. To preserve confidentiality, however, all the characters, facts and circumstances have been changed.

When retired accountant, detective fiction devotee and lifelong philanderer, Philip Ramsbottom, set up a private investigation agency, he had thought it wise to accept only straightforward surveillance tasks – after all, his entire experience of detective work had been gained from reading crime novels.

Philip had thus not expected his very first commission to draw him into the murky world of espionage, and he was definitely not prepared for the death-defying mission that was to follow. Continue Reading

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Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

In the final run-up to the US presidential elections, Hillary Clinton is hoping to ensure victory by winning-over the one demographic group that Donald Trump has yet failed to insult or alienate.

That group consists of white American men without a college degree. Much of the threat posed by Donald Trump comes from this group who represented nearly half of all voters in 2012.

A draft transcript of Clinton’s forthcoming speech has been obtained by this site and is reproduced below:

Today, I want to speak to a very important section of our society. I want to address those whose hard work and self-sacrifice made America the great country it is today.

I’m referring, of course, to you uneducated, white guys.

I want you all to put down those cans of beer, burgers and bottles of mayonnaise and listen to me for five minutes before you next go out to buy meth or shoot someone.

The future of America is in your hands, and I believe that you all need to take that responsibility very seriously.

I want you to think for a minute about the demographic – that’s a big word that means the group in society – to which you belong. You are uneducated white males. The clue’s in the name.

It might not be your fault that you’re not so smart. Maybe inbreeding or other factors mean you didn’t start out very bright. It’s the way things have turned out, however, and it would be as crazy to deny that as it would be to deny you are fellow Americans.

I’m not saying you’re not wonderful, hardworking guys. Our great country would collapse tomorrow if it wasn’t for all the unskilled, menial jobs you do. I want you to imagine, however, that you needed brain surgery. Would you ask a buddy to do it or would you try to find an educated doctor? If you were taking a plane, would you want an educated pilot to fly it or would you be happy for Homer Simpson to give it a go?

I’m willing to bet that, after you’d thought as hard as you could about it, at least half of you would want your brain surgeon or pilot to be educated, even if your buddy would do the job for a pack of beers.

I want those of you who would choose an educated brain surgeon or pilot to now ask yourselves why you would make that choice.

Would it be because an educated brain surgeon or pilot would know what they were doing? Maybe you think you’d have a better chance of surviving the operation or the flight.

Voting for a president is like doing brain surgery or flying that plane. There are a lot of complicated things to think about when you’re a president, and working out who could do the job best is really hard.

I’m appealing to all you uneducated white guys not to vote on November 8.

If a loved one needed that brain surgery, you’d owe it to them to get the very best surgeon. Each of you really know, deep in your hearts, that you wouldn’t be clever enough to be certain of picking the right person.

It’s just the same with this great land we all love. You owe it to your kids, your family, this wonderful country and the world, to not even try thinking about picking a president.

I say again to you all: “don’t vote”. Leave big choices to those with better brains.

America needs you to just stay in bed, watch TV and have another beer on November 8.

You know it’s the right thing to do.

You know, deep down, that it’s what God wants you to do.

Thank you.

God bless America.

God bless America.

Continue Reading

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Trump-Corbyn Syndrome Defined As New Mental Disorder

Trump-Corbyn Syndrome Defined As New Mental Disorder

New editions of two major mental disorder classification manuals are to list Trump-Corbyn Syndrome (TCS) as a mental disorder.

The naming of the condition was inspired by the behaviour of Donald Trump’s supporters in the US and Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters in the UK.

The disorder is triggered by often justifiable anger about a person or institution. TCS is diagnosed if the person experiencing such strong negative feelings then rejects the object of their anger in favour of a radically different alternative that is entirely unfit for purpose.

The draft DSM-6 manual (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Sixth Revision) gives an example of a person with Trump-Corbyn Syndrome purchasing an airline ticket:

The Australian carrier Quantas is consistently rated as the world’s safest airline. The Indonesian domestic airline, Transnusa, is currently rated by AirlineRatings.com as amongst the least safe.

A TCS sufferer might take a dislike to the Quantas logo and book with Transnusa on an impulsive, emotional whim. He or she would dismiss the dangers and simply hope that the safety issues for which the Indonesian airline has been criticised would somehow be resolved before his or her flight.

The draft ICD-11 manual (International Classification of Diseases – Eleventh Revision) quotes the example of a person with Trump-Corbyn Syndrome snorkelling on a reef that contains angelfish and other such small, inoffensive creatures:

Such a swimmer might judge the reef to be boring and instead plan to snorkel in a location populated by hungry sharks and crocodiles. A person afflicted by TCS would see the new location as hugely more interesting but be deaf to warnings by others about the disadvantages of swimming there.

Both these examples illustrate the key characteristic of the condition. This relates to passionately pursuing whatever feels good in the present while applying no intelligent thought at all to future consequences.

‘The difficulty with TCS is that it’s a personality disorder,’ explained a representative of the UK Royal College of Psychiatrists. ‘This means that the beliefs and attitudes involved are so integrated with the personal identities of sufferers that, firstly, they are unable to recognise that they’re ill, and, secondly, there are no effective treatments. Medication is ineffective in treating personality disorders,’ she continued, ‘and psychological interventions tend to have only limited effects in less severe cases.’

A consequence of the lack of insight of TCS sufferers is that their views are not influenced by objective facts. The focus of their passionate support can fail catastrophically and yet those afflicted with TCS remain unable to accept the obvious.

‘A good example of this occurs in relation to end-of-the-world cults,’ explained a representative of the American Psychiatric Association. ‘One might think that an end-of-the-world cult would disintegrate if the appointed day for the apocalypse passed without incident.

‘What has actually happened on many occasions, however, is that the faith of believers – all of whom could be diagnosed with TCS – has become strengthened by the experience. They find ways to reinterpret the new reality in the context of their delusions. A classic way to achieve this is to give thanks to their god, or whatever entity was due to destroy the world, for sparing them.’

There is no doubt among experts that exactly the same phenomenon would occur in relation to the supporters of Donald Trump in the US and those of Jeremy Corbyn in the UK if either were to gain power.

‘If Donald Trump was elected to US president,’ the APA representative continued, ‘and he impetuously started a nuclear war on the following Tuesday, his supporters – all of whom, by definition, experience some degree of TCS – would not blame him for poor judgement. They would, instead, blame Iceland – or whichever random country he had chosen to nuke – for provoking an attack by a totally reasonable and rational president.’

The representative of the UK Royal College of Psychiatrists described a related scenario in a British context. ‘Suppose Jeremy Corbyn became the British Prime Minister,’ she began. ‘It’s pretty obvious to anyone who thinks about it that within twelve months the UK would have reverted to the political, economic and social chaos of the 1970s.

‘Supporters of Mr Corbyn would not blame him, however. His TCS afflicted followers would, in fact, have a pre-existing narrative to explain the carnage that they had brought upon the country – a narrative that did not implicate Mr Corbyn at all.

‘They would be likely to argue that the breakdown of British society had been an inevitable consequence of conflict between those who owned the means of production and the proletariat. Not one of them would grasp that simplistic Marxist ideology should never have been applied to the complex political, social and economic circumstances of the early twenty-first century.’

Donald Trump and Jeremy Corbyn appear to be at opposite ends of the political spectrum. In the context of the above, therefore, it is interesting that identical campaign slogans have been adopted by supporters of both – and that these slogans resonate with those in George Orwell’s book, 1984. ‘Inconvenient truths are lies’ shout supporters of both men at their rallies together with ‘If it feels true; it is true’.

The real catastrophe would occur, of course, if enough people became afflicted with TCS to result in someone who was potentially dangerous gaining significant political power.

For previous examples of the dire consequences of such a development, please consult any world history book that covers the early to mid-twentieth century.

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“Leap Centimetre” To Be Added To The Length Of The Metre In 2017

“Leap Centimetre” To Be Added To The Length Of The Metre In 2017

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Paris today announced that a “leap centimetre” would be added to the length of the metre at midnight on 31st December 2016.

‘People are familiar with the time correction that occurs in leap years,’ explained the Bureau’s Director, Professeur de l’Horloge, to BBC News, ‘but many are less aware of the periodic corrections required for the other three space-time dimensions.’

‘Time and space came into existence 13.75 billion years ago with the Big Bang,’ explained Professor Brian Cox, barging past the elderly Professeur de l’Horloge at the sight of a TV camera. ‘Space and time have been expanding ever since. Many people incorrectly believe,’ continued Professor Cox, ‘that objects in the Universe are accelerating away from each other due to the explosion of the Big Bang – rather like shrapnel travelling away from the site of an exploding grenade. In fact, objects in the Universe stay relatively still. It is space-time, itself, that is expanding.

‘We add an extra day in leap years to compensate for the additional time that has appeared during the previous four years,’ continued Professor Cox. ‘We increase the length of the metre whenever space has expanded by one centimetre per metre.’

Health officials on both sides of the Atlantic have expressed relief at news of the recalibration of the metre. ‘There is a lot of space inside the human body,’ explained UK Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt, ‘and we now realise that much of the, so called, obesity epidemic has been due to the expansion of that space in accordance with Einstein’s and Hubble’s predictions. People simply appear to be getting fatter due to the expansion of the Universe. The recalibration will correct this.’

Slimming organisations, however, have expressed concern about the recalibration. ‘We expect it to result in a reduction of four dress sizes for a typical woman,’ admitted a spokesperson for Weight Watchers. ‘Mr Einstein’s and Mr Hubble’s interference could result in the closure of many slimming clubs due to members feeling satisfied with their new measurements.’

Bon viveurs have been heartened to learn that there are cosmological and quantum mechanical formulae that explain their paunches. Some now even sport tee-shirts proudly proclaiming these equations. I am really a slim participant in an expanding universe reads a slogan on a typical, extra large tee-shirt.

Homeowners have generally reacted positively to the change. ‘Now that my front room is larger,’ explained a typical UK householder, ‘I can fit a bigger TV in. Also, that extra floor space in the garage makes it much easier to park the car. The downside,’ he added ‘is that council tax rates are based on floor area, and my house has been put into a higher rating band as a result of its increase in size.’

‘There have been some complaints from homeowners,’ admitted UK Housing Minister, Gavin Barwell, ‘about council tax rate increases that have resulted from the Universe expanding, rather than from traditional property extensions. However,’ he continued, ‘in a recent High Court judgement, it was concluded that rateable values could be increased on those grounds. The judges reasoned that, although the extra floor area caused by the expansion of space-time was not the fault of the homeowner, that person still benefited from increased room sizes. It must also be remembered,’ he concluded, ‘that the self same cosmic phenomenon has given householders additional time to pay their bills.’

Businessmen and holiday makers have also noticed increased costs. ‘Due to the expansion of space,’ explained a spokeswoman for American Airlines, ‘it is now further to fly to destinations. For example,’ she clarified, ‘from America, flying east, Spain is where Italy used to be. That has led to increased fuel costs, and hence an increase in the price of tickets. ‘Also,’ she concluded, ‘we have had to serve additional in-flight meals.’

Another group thrown into confusion by the expansion of the universe has been traffic police. ‘We used to be able to raise thousands of pounds for the Traffic Officers’ Social Club by stalking innocent motorists and awaiting minor speed infringements,’ confessed a traffic police spokesman. ‘Now defence solicitors call astrophysicists as witnesses. They cast doubt upon any evidence related to distance or time – and hence speed. Indeed, only last week, Professor Brian Cox argued, in a case at Winchester Crown Court, that a drink driving offence should be dismissed due to uncertainties about true blood alcohol content following from the local effect of universal space-time expansion on the volume of the defendant’s veins. Nobody else knew enough maths to challenge him, and so his view prevailed.’

‘Most people benefit from the expansion of space-time,’ confirmed a spokesperson for the International Bureau of Weights and Measures. ‘We are able to enjoy everything from wider roads and bigger beaches, to improved sex lives for those who have believed a certain anatomical feature to be too short. There is also more time to get things done. ‘Finally,’ she concluded, ‘people worry about what will happen to us all when space has expanded to the point where, for example, the refrigerator in the kitchen might be miles away from the microwave. Rest assured that this will not happen for many millions of years.’

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Star Sign Reassignment Continues To Promote Controversy

Star Sign Reassignment Continues To Promote Controversy

Astrologers remain divided about the increasing number of people choosing to undergo Star Sign Reassignment.

As little as ten years ago it was believed that natal charts were fixed at the time of birth, and that lives would inevitably follow the courses those charts foretold. Then Professor Claire Voyant from Scotland’s Skye University performed the pioneering procedure that changed the star sign of Mrs Stella McTarot of Glasgow from Taurus with Capricorn rising, to Aquarius with Sagittarius rising. Continue Reading

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Rio 2016 Olympic Opening Ceremony Exposes Non-existent Countries

Rio 2016 Olympic Opening Ceremony Exposes Non-existent Countries

The international community is trying to come to terms with the shock revelation that some countries with which other nations have links simply do not exist.

Two hundred and seven countries were represented at the opening ceremony of Rio 2016, and it is now clear that at least eight had been invented. Continue Reading

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Visual World To Revert To Black-and-White

Visual World To Revert To Black-and-White

Scientists have warned that our visual world will almost certainly revert to monochrome, or black-and-white, within the next five to ten years.

Those who have viewed photographs, films or television recordings made during the early or mid 20th century, will have seen the achromatic world in which people then lived. Those alive at the time will recall the gradual emergence of colour, from the late 1950s to the early 1970s, that finally led to the rainbow-hued spectrum with which we are now familiar. Continue Reading

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