Running, As A Spectator Sport, Is Boring, Concedes Chair of British Olympic Association

Running, As A Spectator Sport, Is Boring, Concedes Chair of British Olympic Association

Sir Hugh Robertson, Chair of the British Olympic Association, today conceded that running, as a spectator sport, is boring. Continue Reading


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North Korea Linked To Upsurge In UK Cycling

North Korea Linked To Upsurge In UK Cycling

Alarming new intelligence has linked North Korea to the upsurge in UK cycling. Continue Reading


Posted in Crime, Health, Politics, Society, Top Stories2 Comments

UK Government Fake News Unit Revises Strategy

UK Government Fake News Unit Revises Strategy

UK government plans to combat fake news have required re-evaluation in the face of challenges from all sectors of society. Continue Reading


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UK Government’s “Sport For Everyone” Initiative Celebrates Success

UK Government’s “Sport For Everyone” Initiative Celebrates Success

Karen Bradley, the UK Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, today celebrated the success of the government’s ‘Sport for Everyone’ initiative with a reception at Westminster. Continue Reading


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Jeremy Corbyn Gaining Increased Support From Most Sectors Of British Society

Jeremy Corbyn Gaining Increased Support From Most Sectors Of British Society

Recent surveys of UK public opinion have consistently confirmed that Jeremy Corbyn is increasingly gaining support from most sectors of British society.

Several major political thinktanks have urgently addressed themselves to understanding the reasons behind this surprise phenomenon.

A spokesperson from the influential Centre for UK Political Research summarised the issue that has been perplexing so many: ‘There have always been a hard core of Labour supporters,’ she began. ‘They habitually vote Labour without regard to any factor other than the party’s name – often their fathers voted Labour, their grandfathers voted Labour, their great grandfathers voted Labour, and their great grandfathers’ horses wore the red flag with pride. The word “Labour” is also simpler than the longer and more complicated names of other political parties. It is therefore much easier for many of them to locate the relevant box on a ballot paper.

‘There are, in addition, other groups that base their political choices on factors other than a reasoned appraisal of current party policies,’ she continued. ‘Young people, and particularly students, are a case in point. They tend to vote against the status quo in order to demonstrate their newly acquired independence. Their opinions often align with those of their friends – most of whom wish to portray identical rebellious, individualistic and free-thinking attitudes. Jeremy Corbyn is currently their perfect anti-establishment symbol.

‘Although young people will be most affected by the future consequences of their own political choices, they lack the life experience to profoundly internalise what these choices might mean in real terms. Those who engage with politics tend to view it as a fashionable game, without consequences – like knocking on somebody’s door and running away. As a result, in common with habitual Labour supporters, they give little consideration to the future effects of the political policies for which they vote.

‘For these reasons, habitual Labour voters, students and similar groups would be expected to support Jeremy Corbyn. The very interesting factor about the current surge in personal support for the Labour leader, however, is that it comes from sectors of society who understand perfectly well that Jeremy Corbyn’s brand of simplistic, Marxist ideology cannot be applied to the complex political, social and economic circumstances of the early twenty-first century. They realise that his “back to the future socialist fantasy”, as Philip Hammond described it at the 2017 Tory conference, would lead to economic, political and social meltdown in the UK.

‘The puzzling question has emerged, therefore, about why these people are supporting Jeremy Corbyn. It’s as if the brighter and best informed passengers on the Titanic were cheering-on Captain Edward J. Smith when the iceberg was in plain sight.’

In an attempt to answer this question, the Centre for UK Political Research commissioned Ipsos Mori to interview a representative sample from the sectors of society who traditionally give the most considered and intelligent thought to the future consequences of their choices. Two of the most significant among these are the retired and the younger, professional middle class.

‘If Jeremy Corbyn becomes Prime Minister,’ conceded a typical retired respondent who was interviewed by Ipsos Mori, ‘the country will proceed, via the 1970s, back to the stone age. The point, however,’ he emphasised, ‘is that Armageddon won’t happen immediately. Corbyn will have time to hurl sacks stuffed with dosh in all directions.

‘Clearly his relationship with the unions will mean that he won’t be able to object to huge pay rises for all workers – increases that have no connection with productivity. If he tries to stop that, there are loads of wannabe Arthur Scargills in the union movement who’ll relish their opportunities to hold the country to ransom again – we’re starting to see that now with the railways. From what Corbyn says, however, it looks like everyone else will get handouts too – from student loan write-offs to free care for the elderly.

‘I’m not totally clear about the fine details of Corbyn’s policies,’ this respondent continued, ‘but I get the impression that a Labour Party activist will be stationed on every street corner with a wheelbarrow full of fivers, handing them out to anyone who comes past. I’m bound to get some benefit from all that, and it’ll also cheer people up. I’m so fed up with everyone around me being really miserable and depressed due to austerity.

‘Obviously Corbyn’s policies will eventually lead to the country going bankrupt,’ this respondent concluded. ‘I’m seventy-two years old, however. The latest date for the next election will be in 2022. By that time I’ll be seventy-seven. If Corbyn gets in, I can reckon on four great years – and I’ll probably be dead before the shit hits the fan big time.’

Slightly different, though similar, reasoning was expressed by a respondent from the professional middle class – a forty-five year old accountant who is married with two children. She also referred to the “Corbyn Window,” as it has been called – the predicted period of joyous fun and prosperity between the Labour leader’s general election victory and the total economic collapse of the UK.

I know this is irrational,’ this respondent explained to Ipsos Mori, ‘but I just want to feel good for a while. A friend of mine has an alcohol problem,’ she continued by way of analogy. ‘He was dry for months, but then he had a personal crisis and went back on the booze. He told me that he knew it was a stupid thing to do, but he just felt so down that he wanted to do anything to feel better in the here and now, regardless of its future consequences. For me, deciding to support Jeremy Corbyn was like my friend opening that first bottle of scotch. I hate myself for it, and I know I’ll regret it, but it feels so good that I don’t care.

‘Austerity is a very sensible plan,’ she continued, ‘but I’m sick of it. There’s a food bank in my village – the need for food banks is a total bloody disgrace in Britain in the twenty-first century. I saw the film, I Daniel Blake, earlier in the year. That’s not fiction; that’s what the state is really doing to those unlucky people who’ve fallen on hard times – and it could be any of us at any time. Theresa May says she’s listening, although she doesn’t say what she’s listening to. I’m guessing it’s loud rock music through headphones as she, sure as hell, isn’t hearing ordinary people.

‘The other thing about austerity,’ this respondent added, ‘is that it often fails for reasons outside your control. I’ve scrimped and saved at various times in my life, but then, when I’d saved enough money to look forward to buying what I’d planned, the car needed expensive repairs or I got some other unexpected bill that blew the lot. I might as well not have bothered to make the effort in the first place.

‘I bet it’ll be like that with national austerity,’ she concluded. ‘We’ll balance the books and then, the next day, we’ll go to war with North Korea or an asteroid will hit the Earth or something – all that hardship would’ve been for nothing. When I look at it that way, it doesn’t seem so crazy to let Corbyn go bananas and hope against hope that it’ll, somehow, turn out alright in the end.’

Of the social groups sampled by Ipsos Mori, the only one that was predominantly not planning to vote Labour at the next opportunity was the mega-rich. ‘I think the government’s doing a great job,’ said one such respondent from the bridge of his luxury yacht. ‘I’m certainly getting wealthier. Although I do think they’re too soft on the whingeing poor. You never got this level of unrest in my great great grandfather’s day when we used to hang the blighters for stealing a loaf of bread.’

‘Due to the Ipsos Mori survey, we now have a much clearer picture,’ concluded the spokesperson from the Centre for UK Political Research. ‘Most people, whether they understand government policy or not, and whether they agree with government policy or not, don’t like it.

‘This negativity has currently reached such an extent that anything else seems preferable. As an alternative, most of the UK public would willingly vote for Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, any of the Telletubbies … or even Jeremy Corbyn.’


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Damage Limitation – The Essential Checklist For Senior Managers

Damage Limitation – The Essential Checklist For Senior Managers

There comes a day in the life of many top executives, both in the public and private sectors, when aspects of professional conduct within their organisations are exposed and interpreted by the media and public in an irrationally negative light.

Entirely normal, routine and reasonable organisational behaviour seems to periodically attract accusations such as: fraud, greed, contempt for financial regulations, a cavalier disregard for the interests of one or other sector of society – or even a total avoidance of laws in general.

Most irritating and perplexing for the poor managers subjected to such scurrilous and unjust allegations is that claims are not simply made by the ill-informed, little people. Ordinary losers cannot, after all, be expected to understand normal organisational affairs at a senior level. In addition to these plebs, simplistic, misinformed and unreasonable criticisms are frequently levelled by regulatory bodies, public enquiries, the courts, and governments.

It is of absolutely no use to respond to such institutions by pointing out that they are being stupid and pedantic and do not understand your organisation or the real world – true though this may be, it would simply provoke further antagonism.

The following checklist has therefore been devised by those with prior experience to assist senior executives when they find themselves in such an unfortunate and unenviable position.

The notes below recommended key actions and public statements for each stage of the witch hunt that an unfortunate, misunderstood top manager might have to endure.

1 – Alleged issue first exposed in a manner that cannot be ignored:

*Say that you are taking the allegations very seriously indeed.
*Immediately and strenuously deny any personal wrongdoing.
*Promise a full internal enquiry.
*If anyone has been obviously physically harmed or killed, say that safety is your number one priority.
*Stress that the customer (or service user or whoever) always comes first.
*Argue that an independent enquiry is totally unnecessary and that you are in the best position to identify the factors that may have led to misunderstandings about the matters alleged.
*Make plans to transfer as much money as possible to your untraceable, offshore accounts.
*Check expiry date of passport.

2 – Sufficient evidence of the alleged issue has emerged to make a blanket denial no longer credible:

*Say that you are appalled by what has happened and that you are determined that there should be a full and transparent process to uncover where mistakes have been made.
*Welcome any police investigation, and say that you will cooperate fully with it.
*Welcome any independent enquiry, and express certainty that your honesty and integrity will be vindicated.
*Practise looking sincere in a mirror before attending any parliamentary committee.
*Behave in relation to all questioning as if your organisation is a car that has mysteriously developed a fault. You just happened to have been driving it at the time, but you are as amazed and bewildered as any layperson about what caused the problem.
*Never try to blame anyone else, however junior, or they will point the finger back at you. Remember that a lot of your staff knew exactly what was going on. Continue to adopt, therefore, the attitude that any alleged irregularity simply arose in a mysterious, unexpected way and, as such, blame could never be attributed.
*Transfer as much money as possible to your untraceable, offshore accounts.
*Check extradition arrangements with the countries to which you might leave in a hurry.

3 – Alleged issue proven:

*Say that the final official judgement on your organisation’s behaviour was a deeply humbling experience (the Murdoch gambit – as it has come to be known).
*Admit that mistakes had been made.
*State that lessons will be learned.
*Double check that your personal assets are quite separate from any corporate funds that may be required to pay fines or compensation.
*Keep your head down for a few months until everyone has forgotten about the matter – or until another innocent colleague in a different organisation has become the victim of a similar hysterical feeding frenzy by the media, the public and official bodies.

4 – After the dust has settled:

*Simply carry on exactly as before until faced with any new set of scurrilous and unjust accusations – after all, why should you change your behaviour? You did nothing at all wrong.


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UK Public Increasingly Reluctant To Express Ill-informed Opinions

UK Public Increasingly Reluctant To Express Ill-informed Opinions

An increasing number of people in the UK are declining to express definite opinions when asked about complex issues of which they know little.

TV journalists first began to detect this phenomenon in early 2017 when undertaking random street interviews. Continue Reading


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Brexit Exposes Large Scale Corruption By EU Farmers

Brexit Exposes Large Scale Corruption By EU Farmers

The UK Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) has revealed that it is investigating nearly five hundred UK farms. All the investigations relate to the illegal claiming of EU farm subsidies. Continue Reading


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Fears Grow Of Intensified North Korean Cyber-Terrorism

Fears Grow Of Intensified North Korean Cyber-Terrorism

An internationally respected think-tank has predicted an increase in North Korean sponsored cyber-terrorism.

The North Korean Strategy Think-tank (NKST), based in Washington, D.C., collates intelligence from defectors, intelligence agencies and informed international observers. Its own psychologists and strategic analysts then use this information to fine-tune their model of the rogue state in an attempt to predict the most likely behaviour of the regime.

The most recent NKST analysis anticipates that further military provocations will be instigated by North Korea. It predicts, however, that these will fall short of any act sufficient to justify an American military strike in the face of Chinese and Russian opposition to military retaliation.

The Russian analysis that the Pyongyang leadership would rather eat grass then give up their nuclear ambitions is accepted as correct. The current NKST model, however, challenges the fear propagated by western media that Kim Jong-un is mentally unstable. The model indicates a low probability that he would deliberately seek a nuclear confrontation. As one NKST source unofficially put it: ‘Pyongyang well understands that after an all-out American attack, no edible grass would remain in North Korea.’

The NKST model has concluded that the current North Korean strategy to damage its perceived enemies will focus on intensification of its already significant efforts in the area of cyber-terrorism.

The NKST model assumes a calculation by Kim Jong-un that cyber-disruption perpetuated by a nation would be unlikely to draw any significant retaliation. This is believed to be a reasonable assumption – in part because culpability is very hard to prove. The NKST also notes, however, that cyber-terrorism is different in type from military action. A military response to a cyber-attack would currently be viewed by the international community as entirely disproportionate.

Credible rumours have recently emerged that WikiLeaks may have suppressed information about North Korean cyber-terrorism – information that had been covertly fed to the organisation from US and European intelligence sources. An unnamed whistleblower within WikiLeaks is alleged to have revealed the existence of reports relating to the experimental North Korean targeting of large numbers of Wi-Fi enabled systems in the west – parts of the, so called, ‘Internet of Things’.

Superficially, many of these reports appear ludicrous, and their alleged suppression by WikiLeaks has been attributed to fear of ridicule or accusations of propagating fake news.

Specific examples of North Korea’s experimental hi-jacking of such systems are alleged to have already included:

*Increasing the oven temperature being used by one contestant in ‘the Great British Bake Off’ in order to incinerate the contestant’s soufflé.
Although appearing to be a ridiculous claim, intelligence agencies have long been aware of Kim Jong-un’s interest in western cookery programmes together with his fury at being rejected for the role of judge in an early series of MasterChef.
*Switching off lights and cameras on the ITV breakfast show, Good Morning Britain, when Piers Morgan was presenting.
As in relation to nuclear provocations, Pyongyang appears to have an eye to the consequences of its actions. The North Koreans may reason that, if the silencing of Piers Morgan was ever attributed to North Korea, it might generate considerable public support for Kim Jong-un in the UK that would counter calls for retaliation in respect of the cyber-attack.
*Triggering Theresa May’s and Angela Merkel’s alarm clocks at three o’clock every morning so the leaders are never able to get a decent night’s sleep.
Any recent close-up photograph of either leader immediately makes this apparently bizarre claim hugely more credible then it first appears to be.

Other attacks are said to have occurred on systems which can be monitored by Pyongyang but for which the practical effects of North Korean hacking are not obvious on the ground.
Examples have allegedly included:
*Disrupting the timetabling computers on the British railway network to cause commuter chaos.
*Changing remotely collected data from UK meteorological stations to make UK weather predictions wildly unreliable.
*Taking selective control of cars across Italy and causing them to be driven in a reckless and suicidal manner.
*Inserting random nonsense into tweets by Donald Trump.
*Changing satnav programs to cause large trucks to become jammed in narrow country lanes.
*Scrambling any official electronic communications that contain the term ‘Brexit’ to cause confusion and chaos in the Brexit negotiation process.

If true, all the above cyber-attacks have been cunningly and effectively concealed because those observing the outcomes would have failed to detect anything unexpected.

Whilst the above actions may seem like superficial mischief, perfecting the perpetration of such attacks is thought to have a deadly serious purpose. For example, it is believed that, by 2020, Kim Jong-un could exercise control over millions of specific, Wi-Fi enabled domestic appliances throughout America and Europe.

One capability this would afford would be to simultaneously switch to maximum heat all vulnerable ovens and hobs in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Such an attack could also include the hyper-energisation of magnetrons in many microwave ovens such that anyone attempting to disconnect the weaponised equipment would be incinerated.

The NKST calculates that such an action could result in firestorms which would decimate many western cities.

Other such doomsday capabilities might include:
*Disabling condom vending machines late on Friday nights so that an unpredicted population increase would challenge western resources.
*Allowing an Alexa voice command to arrange a next day, Amazon Prime delivery of plutonium 239 to Pyongyang.
*Aiding Jeremy Corbyn to become UK Prime Minister and hence destroying the UK economy.
*Assisting Russia in aiding Donald Trump’s re-election for a second term.

The NKST has cautioned that with so many items of commercial and domestic equipment increasing being Wi-Fi enabled, the nature of any such co-ordinated attacks would be limited only by the imagination of the Pyongyang leadership.


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Pollsters Predict Catastrophic UK General Election Defeat For Conservatives

Pollsters Predict Catastrophic UK General Election Defeat For Conservatives

UK polling organisations have today published their predictions for the June 8th UK General Election.

They forecast unanimously that the Conservatives will suffer a crushing defeat, losing their majority in parliament.

The pollsters have further predicted that the UK will be governed by a coalition of the Labour Party, the Liberal Democrats, the Scottish National Party, the Democratic Unionist Party, the Green Party, Plaid Cymru, the Co-operative Party, Sinn Féin, the Social Democratic and Labour Party, UKIP and the Ulster Unionist Party.

‘This evaluation may seem surprising,’ said a spokesperson for the pollsters, ‘but due to the disastrous inaccuracy of recent predictions, we have totally revised our methodology.

‘Previously,’ she continued, ‘we interviewed a statistically valid sample of the voting population to draw our conclusions. You only have to look at what subsequently happened, however, to see that this approach must have been fundamentally flawed: the Brits voted for Brexit, the Yanks voted for Tump and the Turks voted to replace democracy with autocracy – all in total contradiction to our best, statistically based predictions, and, indeed, contrary to common sense.

‘It became clear that mathematics and logic could no longer be applied to national elections or referenda. On recent reckoning, it appears to be just a matter of time before the popular vote leads us all to abandon the wheel, outlaw fire and reside in caves.’

The spokesperson went on to explain that the new methodology had been derived from the actual outcomes of recent elections and referenda.

‘The one common feature of recent ballots,’ she explained, ‘is that results turned out to be the polar opposite of predictions made by the educated, liberal, middle classes.

‘As a consequence, our new predictive methodology simply requires a pollster to drop into any UK pub and strike up a conversation with the first intelligent, educated, liberal, middle class person they encounter. Predictions are then based on the reverse of that person’s expectations.’

Current predictions regarding the 2017 General Election are based on a reversal of views expressed by George Edmonds of London.

George was interviewed by a pollster at the Dog and Ferret in Neasden on the 22nd April 2017.

George is a university educated civil servant who owns a detached house in Wembley Park. He is an active member of his community, has a keen interest in current affairs and leans politically towards the Liberal Democrats. He fits perfectly the newly established profile of a person whose predictions about the outcome of any election or referendum will be as inaccurate as they could possibly be.

George thought it was an inspired political move by Theresa May to call an instant general election. He thought she would win with an increased majority and thus have a mandate to crush all opposition to her government’s policies – particularly in respect of Brexit.

He thought Mrs May would deal with Scotland by building a wall. He had read how this idea had occurred to her when Donald Trump had rung to ask for Hadrian’s phone number.

George further believed that Jeremy Corbyn provided slightly less opposition than a chocolate teapot, and expressed bewilderment as to why Labour Party activists believed their leader’s brand of nineteenth century Marxism could possibly inspire any significant number of the UK’s population to vote Labour. He predicted, therefore, that the Labour vote would plummet.

In summary, therefore, George was convinced that Theresa May would wrong-foot weak and intransigent opponents and would end up in a position akin to Boudicca – as the Iceni queen rode, sword in hand, to obliterate Colchester, London and St. Albans.

‘In the past,’ concluded the spokesperson for the major polling organisations, ‘George’s perspective might have seemed to be a fair analysis, and it would almost certainly have been supported by conventional surveys.

‘The new methodology, however, predicts that the exact opposite of his analysis will occur for reasons that God only knows.

‘Our new analytical model anticipates, therefore, that George Edmonds will once again be saying to the barmaid of the Dog and Ferret on the 9th May: “I don’t believe it. How could everyone have been so stupid again?” On this occasion, however, he will add: “And how on earth could Jeremy Corbyn have possibly become Prime Minister?”’


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President Trump Trashes Oval Office

President Trump Trashes Oval Office

White House sources have confirmed that President Trump has caused considerable damage to the Oval Office.

‘He turned over tables,’ reported one source, ‘upended chairs, ripped curtaining and threw paintings out of smashed windows onto the White House lawn.’

‘He was beside himself with fury about the judgement of the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals,’ said one aide, ‘in which three judges unanimously refused to block the Seattle court ruling that halted the president’s ban on US entry by citizens from seven, mainly Muslim, countries.’

During his rampage, the president was reported to have screamed: ‘I’m the goddam president. I can eat all the ice cream I like; have friends for sleepovers when I want; stay up late; look at whatever I want on the Internet; demonise any group of people I don’t like, and do anything else I damn well please. I can, I can, I can, I can!!!’

‘He was inconsolable for many hours,’ added Doris Hoover, the cleaner employed to keep the Oval Office tidy. ‘When he’d stopped stamping his feet and banging on the walls, he just sat down on the floor and cried. I was real cross with him at first as it’s gonna take me ages to get the room right again. I then felt sorry for the poor little fellow, sat down beside him and gave him a cuddle. He told me between sobs that it was all sooo unfair. He couldn’t understand why “so called God” had let “so called judges” in “so called courts” be so horrid to him.’

Greta Mindstein, a leading US psychologist, has pointed out that, although alarming, this behaviour is characteristic of a normal developmental phase. ‘Usually, however,’ Ms Mindstein explained to reporters, ‘this stage tends to have passed by the age of five or six – and certainly long before a person is eligible to become president of the United States. It’s an effect of what Freud called “infantile narcissism”‘ she clarified, ‘and derives from the greatly exaggerated sense of self-importance that many very young children develop from their natural tendency to see themselves as the centre of their universe.

‘Rational grown-ups placing boundaries on such behaviour,’ Ms Mindstein continued, ‘is part of a learning process. In the case of the president, the recent constraint on his behaviour – and others that will inevitably occur in the near future – should ultimately be internalised as he progresses towards emotional maturity.’

A senior presidential advisor has confirmed that the president has begun to feel a lot more cheerful as time has passed since the Appeal Court ruling, and is looking forward to going to the park to play baseball with his friends and then having his favourite burgers for supper.


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Glossy News Accused of Balanced, Factually Accurate Reporting

Glossy News Accused of Balanced, Factually Accurate Reporting

The government and media have angrily accused Glossy News of publishing well researched, balanced and factually accurate articles.

‘This is a total disgrace,’ passionately screamed a representative of the National Union of Journalists. ‘Glossy News is respected for its spoof news stories. We expect fake news from its writers. Some of what it’s publishing now is, well, just plain wrong.’ Continue Reading


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Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Activists from the EU referendum Remain Campaign are continuing with plans to pursue criminal prosecutions for many of those who voted to leave the EU.

‘We do not wish to be divisive or retaliatory,’ said a spokesman for the activists, ‘but advice from our legal team confirms that many Brexit voters may be guilty of negligence – and some may be guilty of treason. We believe it to be our public duty to bring these unspeakable criminals to justice.’ Continue Reading


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Will The Real Donald Trump Please Stand Up?

Will The Real Donald Trump Please Stand Up?

In early November 2016, Scotland’s first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, expressed more clearly than many other world leaders the hope that Donald Trump, when in office, would be very different from the Donald Trump she had witnessed on the presidential campaign trail.

Comments attributed to Mr Trump while campaigning have led many to accuse him of being racist, sexist, and discriminatory towards people with disabilities – to name just three character traits that have met with liberal-minded disapproval.

If Ms Sturgeon and others are to have their wish fulfilled, however, Mr Trump, after entering the White House on 20th January 2017, will need to consistently demonstrate liberal, tolerant, non-discriminatory opinions and behaviour.

Suppose this did indeed occur. Imagine that the first act of the new president was to personally champion the cause of disabled, Mexican, Muslim women. Many would wonder what could possibly have led to such an apparent transformation.

In such circumstances, the following might be rationales to consider – doubtless all would be proposed:

1 – The CIA – or the shape-shifting, lizard-like aliens who control the world – had replaced Donald Trump with a liberal look-alike.

2 – A divine messenger had shown up in the Oval Office, pointed out that Mr Trump was in his latter years and explained that God remained undecided about whether the president’s final elevator journey should be up or down.

3 – Donald Trump had been part of an elaborate hoax for a US reality TV show. The writers had constructed a character from a composite of least desirable presidential characteristics. Then, somehow, it had all got out of hand.

4 – Donald Trump had been a really nice guy after all and had wished to be president to do good in the world. He had lied to get elected as he had correctly calculated that only a racist, sexist bigot could hope to win the hearts and minds of more than half the US population. Also, the Ku Klux Clan vote could have been a clincher.
This scenario has an interesting corollary in that Mr Trump’s alleged threats to go after his opponents after the election could transform into him targeting his own supporters. He might passionately castigate those who elected him, saying how disgusted he was by their behaviour and telling them that their appalling attitudes had no place in the modern world.

5 – Donald Trump had always been the ideal president. He had been targeted with a misinformation campaign by a biased media – a media that had been supporting a political elite who had become out of touch with, and had ceased to care about, ordinary US citizens.

6 – Donald Trump had really been as bigoted as the liberals had feared. He had discovered, however, that, as president, the pragmatics of balancing complex political factors, both at home and overseas, constrained his words and actions. He had been forced to concede that a president is not nearly as powerful as one might think.

When will the real Donald Trump reveal himself?


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Swan Morrison Novel Excerpt (Deep Black): Russian Double Agent Conspiracy?

Swan Morrison Novel Excerpt (Deep Black): Russian Double Agent Conspiracy?

Written by Swan Morrison – the award winning author of Judgement Day Deep Black is yet another affectionate comic tribute to many classic storylines.

Deep Black is a true story. To preserve confidentiality, however, all the characters, facts and circumstances have been changed.

When retired accountant, detective fiction devotee and lifelong philanderer, Philip Ramsbottom, set up a private investigation agency, he had thought it wise to accept only straightforward surveillance tasks – after all, his entire experience of detective work had been gained from reading crime novels.

Philip had thus not expected his very first commission to draw him into the murky world of espionage, and he was definitely not prepared for the death-defying mission that was to follow. Continue Reading


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Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

In the final run-up to the US presidential elections, Hillary Clinton is hoping to ensure victory by winning-over the one demographic group that Donald Trump has yet failed to insult or alienate.

That group consists of white American men without a college degree. Much of the threat posed by Donald Trump comes from this group who represented nearly half of all voters in 2012.

A draft transcript of Clinton’s forthcoming speech has been obtained by this site and is reproduced below:

Today, I want to speak to a very important section of our society. I want to address those whose hard work and self-sacrifice made America the great country it is today.

I’m referring, of course, to you uneducated, white guys.

I want you all to put down those cans of beer, burgers and bottles of mayonnaise and listen to me for five minutes before you next go out to buy meth or shoot someone.

The future of America is in your hands, and I believe that you all need to take that responsibility very seriously.

I want you to think for a minute about the demographic – that’s a big word that means the group in society – to which you belong. You are uneducated white males. The clue’s in the name.

It might not be your fault that you’re not so smart. Maybe inbreeding or other factors mean you didn’t start out very bright. It’s the way things have turned out, however, and it would be as crazy to deny that as it would be to deny you are fellow Americans.

I’m not saying you’re not wonderful, hardworking guys. Our great country would collapse tomorrow if it wasn’t for all the unskilled, menial jobs you do. I want you to imagine, however, that you needed brain surgery. Would you ask a buddy to do it or would you try to find an educated doctor? If you were taking a plane, would you want an educated pilot to fly it or would you be happy for Homer Simpson to give it a go?

I’m willing to bet that, after you’d thought as hard as you could about it, at least half of you would want your brain surgeon or pilot to be educated, even if your buddy would do the job for a pack of beers.

I want those of you who would choose an educated brain surgeon or pilot to now ask yourselves why you would make that choice.

Would it be because an educated brain surgeon or pilot would know what they were doing? Maybe you think you’d have a better chance of surviving the operation or the flight.

Voting for a president is like doing brain surgery or flying that plane. There are a lot of complicated things to think about when you’re a president, and working out who could do the job best is really hard.

I’m appealing to all you uneducated white guys not to vote on November 8.

If a loved one needed that brain surgery, you’d owe it to them to get the very best surgeon. Each of you really know, deep in your hearts, that you wouldn’t be clever enough to be certain of picking the right person.

It’s just the same with this great land we all love. You owe it to your kids, your family, this wonderful country and the world, to not even try thinking about picking a president.

I say again to you all: “don’t vote”. Leave big choices to those with better brains.

America needs you to just stay in bed, watch TV and have another beer on November 8.

You know it’s the right thing to do.

You know, deep down, that it’s what God wants you to do.

Thank you.

God bless America.

God bless America.

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