Trump Taps Kanye West as Next Press Secretary

(Breaking GlossyNews Update)–After giving “serious consideration” to conservative radio host Laura Ingraham to be the next White House press secretary, Donald Trump casually grabbed her by the nether regions and moved her out of the way in favor of Kanye West.

Following being contacted by Trump, Kanye immediately checked out of the hospital, cancelled the rest of his Saint Pablo Tour and boarded a Greyhound bus to DC. Asked why he preferred this mode of transportation to flying first class, Kanye reportedly barked like a dog, enumerated the ingredients of a Big Mac punctuated with expletives, appealed to the invisible zombie of Michael Jackson to just leave him alone and then replied, “Kind of hard to afford to fly when I have to keep refunding tickets.”

Trump tweeted his decision to offer the job to Kanye after hearing the latest in a string of rants the rapper turned Messiah inflicted upon concert goers in California in the past few days. After Mike Pence waved his hands over a photo of Kanye and declared him ‘not gay’ and brief background check verifying he was indeed married to “the bitch with the really big ass”… and she wasn’t Mexican… the call was made.

“That’s one crazy Negro,” Trump tweeted. “I must have him for my collection!” Sources close to Trump indicate he is excited about unleashing West on an unsuspecting press corp. “I can’t wait for them to ask that bat shit crazy mofo ANYTHING!”

It is also likely Trump appreciated being endorsed by a black person other than Dr. Ben Carson. While it will never be truly known if Kanye REALLY would have voted for Trump IF he had voted, one thing is certain: Sean “Puffy” Combs’ “Vote or Die” campaign missed one.

Making accusations ranging from being unfriended by Zuckerberg to being popped by Jay Z, Kanye has left a fan base used to such erratic behavior scratching their heads.

“You ever notice you never see Hillary Clinton at the same time as Cthulhu? I’m just saying…”, Kanye left the crowd speechless in Sacramento. Kanye’s recent antics makes you wonder just how wacked he’s got to be for Snoop Dogg to ask, “What the f**k is he smoking?”

Trump meanwhile admitted admiring Kanye’s ‘business model’ of seizing the headlines by just saying absolutely anything. “Pure genius! Of course, it’s the same business model I teach at Trump University,” Trump clarified. When Trump was asked if Kanye’s 2020 political ambitions bothered him, he laughed out loud. “Hell no! That jackass will be lucky to survive till the end of the year!”

Ironically, that’s exactly what the media said about Trump last year this time. More on this developing story as it self destructs.

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7 comments on “Trump Taps Kanye West as Next Press Secretary

  1. This sucks you dick! Who writes sick shit like this when the man clearly needs help? Its false news sites like this that messed up the election. Mocking mentally ill people is not cool. Let’s see you losers entertain millions without suffering some kind of issues. Celebrities are not just objects for your ridicule.

  2. “Celebrities are not just objects for your ridicule.”

    Yes–They are, Chris.

    Plus given the timing of this breakdown to coincide with his wife’s event honoring her dad (forcing her to rush to his side) and the lame attempt to get out of being sued for canceling 21 concerts after he burned down his own brand, I think that makes him a bigger dick than me.

    And I don’t like being bested so just wait till the next piece.

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