Month: August 2014
Harry Potter Breaks Hollywood Gag-clause, Stuns World Leaders into Unscheduled Epic Three Minutes of Silence
Harry Potter breaks Warner Brothers contractual gag-clauses. The wizard reveals What Must Not Be Spoken in the News Media Anywhere in the Muggle World. Here, for the first time, the shocking truth behind why one of the world’s most famous…
Tony Stewart Kills Fellow Driver, Boosting NASCAR Ratings
Saturday night NASCAR icon Tony Stewart single-handedly quadrupled NASCAR’s slumping television ratings when he hit and killed Kevin Ward Jr in a Sprint Car race at Canandaigua Motorsports Park in upstate New York. Ward, 20, had been run into the…
Cannabis Product Review & Resource Website Makes History with $1 Billion Internet Money Buyout Offer
(San Francisco, CA) — A recently launched review and community participation website has announced that fictional character Towelie, famous for his role on South Park, has raised enough virtual currency through online pimping services to invest his $1 Billion internet…
Glossy Gets First Hand Account Of Israeli Settlers Taking Over Palestinian Land
A side development of the current Israeli/Palestinian conflict is the Israeli annexing of further Palestinian land for their ever-swelling population of new comers. According to U.N. accords the land once called Palestine was divided into specific and definite sections- determined…
NRA Demands US Government Outlaw Drones Despite 2nd Amendment
In a strange reversal of policy the NRA has demanded that the U.S. make a ban on drones very much like the ban on guns that they have so heatedly fought against in the past. Speaking at a press conference…
MLB Commissioner Admits He’s “Never Watched Full [Baseball] Game”
NEW YORK – Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, admitted today to a stunned press conference that he has never before watched an entire game of baseball. “It’s just so slow,” confessed the incumbent commissioner of now 22 years….
Billy Beane in attempted trade for Trout: “F*** it”
ANAHEIM – This morning, general manager Billy Beane of the Oakland Athletics attempted the trade of a lifetime. Jerry Dipoto, GM of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, tells source that Beane contacted him in the early hours of the…
Man Buys First CD in 12-Years; It’s Macklemore
Mock as you will, but first consider that the man in question is me, and I literally haven’t bought a CD in 12 years. Why the hell would I? I’m not saying I’m a pirate, because I’m not. Perhaps I’ve…
Top Economists Sagely Call for Wholly Unfundable War
WASHINGTON – Several leading economists have recently called for war as the best means to solve the world’s six-year old economic crisis. Nobel-nominated economist Karl Strauss of the University of Chicago stated: “War is the time-honored cure for economic stagnation.”…
Congress Gets Unusually Creative In Its Ways Of Kicking Down Obama
Just when you would think that Congress (aka Republicans) could not get any more creative in their undermining of just about every move that Obama makes they come with something that leaves you aghast that they actually do possess some…