Donnie Dimaggio, a 27 year old Las Vegas bartender, has decided that despite having virtually no experience in the realm of combat sports, he’s totally ready for his first Mixed Martial Arts fight, which is scheduled for early next year.
Going into the 5-round bout, Donnie’s confidence level seems excessively high given his athletic background, which mainly consists of a season of J.V. high school football (which ended abruptly due to his poor academic performance) and several games of intramural ultimate-frisbee during his freshman year of community college.
Donnie has been visiting the gym off and on for the last 10 years, however his training has focused primarily on high repetitions of biceps curls, triceps extensions and a lot of standing around. Still, Donnie remains confident and has made it clear to many of his female co-workers that he’s “pumped” for his “shot at the title.” The fight he’s scheduled for is a non-ranking amateur bout and in no way involves a title of any kind.
I’m ready to grab the bull by the horns and skull fuck it into filet-mignon,” said Dimaggio, from the tanning bed he frequents year round, apparently unaware that his native Las Vegas is a subtropical cloudless desert.
Although Donnie lacks any formal fight training, sources (his bros) say that last Friday night he came very close to “brawling” with some “pussy ass faggot bitch” who “accidentally” shoulder-checked Donnie at a crowded casino nightclub bar. Apparently the PAFB then totally backed down once Donnie, egged on by his girlfriend, got all up in his face about it.
The PAFB reportedly offered to buy Donnie and his girlfriend a drink as a gesture of apology but Donnie continued to drunkenly berate the PAFB until bouncers forcibly escorted him and his girlfriend from the nightclub. Though the one-sided verbal altercation never escalated into a physical confrontation, it appears to have been quite a confidence booster for Donnie. And the next morning, still drunk, he signed up for his first sanctioned MMA fight.
In preparation, Donnie has recently been hitting a heavy bag in his parents’ garage for at least 20 minutes a day while chugging energy drinks and blaring dubstep on the custom speakers of his lifted F-350.
“You either have it or you don’t,” Donnie said, apparently not referring to the skills one acquires after many years preparing the body physically and mastering the submission techniques required to compete in MMA, instead, citing some personal, nebulous idea about what makes a fighter successful.
Donnie’s family members, although supportive, are somewhat skeptical of his recent enthusiasm for competition in MMA. It was reported that Donnie once received a gift certificate for a free month of Brazilian Jujitsu as a birthday present from his parents after he mentioned he was interested in learning a martial art.
His parents immediately encouraged their son to do something, anything, that involved any kind of long-term commitment or required any kind of self-discipline. However the gift certificate was never put to use and expired a year later.
“I couldn’t start Jujitsu because I was getting hella-ink done that year,” said Donnie, referring to the dragons that adorn each of his semi-muscular biceps. “But those pussy ass faggot bitches at that gym were lucky I didn’t walk in there and tap-out each one of them.”
The MMA fight, which is set for February 7th, near the dumpsters behind Mandalay Bay, will be Donnie’s first fight since a domestic dispute with his ex-fiancee. Donnie is hoping the fight will end in a knockout and not 300 hours of court-mandated community service.
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