Tiger Woods announced Tuesday that he has undergone a successful penisectomy for a vestigial weiner that has been haunting him for several years.

The surgery was performed Monday in Park City, Utah, by neurosurgeon Dr. Charles Ima Richer. The procedure was successful, but Woods will be unable to chip them in from green side bunkers for the foreseeable future. Continue Reading

SUN CITY, Florida – George ‘Mac’ McGruder, 69, has been golfing ever since he was old enough to hold a golf club. Wednesdays have always been his golf days, even when he was a physician and ran his own practice.

“The girls in the office knew not to bother me on Wednesdays,” said Mac, “unless, of course, someone was dying,” he added.

So when Mac overheard a woman at his favorite golf pro shop ask the clerk what the heaviest club in the set was, he assumed she wanted to know which club would drive the ball the farthest. What he heard next though came about as close to heresy as he could imagine. Continue Reading

The San Francisco 49ers had a terrible 12-4 season, but this Sunday they face the Seattle Seahawks with a stunning 13-3 regular season record. Facing certain defeat, 49ers fans are widely expected to commit mass, ritual suicide.

The Seahawks have the best defense in the league, and have been favored over the 49ers by 3-9 points/game this regular and post-season, but even losing inside the spread is unlikely to sate the bloodlust for sacrifice to make for a better team next season. Continue Reading

Pyongyang, N. Korea – Dennis Rodman reportedly sent a look-alike imposter in his place to supreme leader, Kim Jong Un’s palace Thursday. The leader of N. Korea is said to be hopping mad and may be readying the execution squad yet another time this month.

“He promise he come back see me, bring many, many good basketball player. He no show up,” Jong Un was quoted as saying after throwing a lavish party consisting of the one chicken left in the state larders, along with two cucumbers and a spaghetti squash left over from the summer harvest. Continue Reading

Although the mainstream media is reporting that Dennis Rodman is still planning on traveling to North Korea next week to begin training North Korea’s basketball team, no one close to Rodman has seen him since the execution of Kim Jong Un’s uncle, Jang Song Thaek Friday.

Friends close to Rodman claim that he has not been heard from since early Friday morning, and his own personal trainer says he did not show up at the gym as usual Friday afternoon. Continue Reading

Aunt Marjorie is still at the table, Uncle Dave is in the den screaming about God knows what, and all the kids are jacked up on pumpkin pie. Yes, it’s football/Thanksgiving season once again.

But what is football? Some Americans call it “footy” but they are all promptly ridiculed and beaten by those who love them most. They want them to understand yardage, NFL Lines and why there are so many commercials. Continue Reading

There are massive changes afoot in the world of Rugby Union. While there has been some agreement recently as to the future of the sport, there are still many obstacles to overcome.

Following an 18-month impasse, the six unions involved in the Heineken Cup (England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Italy and France) held a two-day summit in Dublin to decide how a European club competition would work next season. The English and French clubs have stated that they intend to form a breakaway competition next season. Continue Reading

The last tennis Grand Slam of the year is over. The US Open at Flushing Meadows was the setting for some of the best tennis action of the summer.

Defending champions fell short, the finals served up No. 1 vs No. 2 showdowns, and there were new arrivals and fond farewells. By way of recap, we take a look at some of the biggest winners of the tournament. Continue Reading

Former professional football players have just announced that they are seeking millions of dollars in damages due to injuries that have resulted from head concussions that have occurred from playing the game.

The NFL stands to pay out 765 MILLION (!) for medical costs to ALL players claiming to still suffer from chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE).

The lawyers say that this staggering sum is just a drop in the bucket to the NFL (what a surprise that lawyers would see it this way!).

What this means is that is is the chance for all of us who were never athletically inclined, never had the chance to learn football, were always tormented by jocks in high school, didn’t have the physical ability for sports, or were socially condemned to being social lessers in the social structures of high school now have our chance to give the big boys some of their own abuse back.

Did you suffer from wedgies, Dutchman rubs, insults, putdowns, punches, neck locks etc. from the Oh-So-Holy jocks in your community? Did the school administration teachers and other students actually support or turn a blind eye to this sort of behavior?

If so, then here is our chance to turn the tables and rub their noses in their own excrement for a change.

Let’s let them have it! We have waited for this so long and they deserve it so much. Here we go:

LOSERS! WOOSIES! WIMPS! HOMOS!
CAN’T TAKE A LITTLE HEAD POUNDING?!

Aren’t you supposed to be the tough guys who can do anything? Now you’re crying because your brain don’t work right any more! Since when did you ever use that part of your anatomy anyway?

Weren’t you the guys who always said to shut up and not to whine? Why, this whole law suit sounds like a continuous whine siren! Why are you babies all howling for your pacifiers? Weren’t you the ones living it up in your glory days and enjoying the best of everything; the money, the women, the fast cars, the gift wrapped cocaine?

Now you expect everyone else to pay for your broken down carcass? Weren’t you guys the first ones to yell about individualism and do-it-yourselfism? Now you are like those guys waiting at stop lights with signs saying you are homeless and can you spare a buck.

Do you think I would give you a buck? Sure I would! A buck in the rear knocking you into the gutter!

What happened to all that money you made when your guys were the top Alpha Males of the whole country? Spent it all on steroids, do-anything anywhere prostitutes and booze bashes?

Don’t have a dime of it left? Ahhh, poor babies! We’re still schmucks who couldn’t kick a field goal if we were offered a free night with Sophia Vergara, but at least we still got thinking mechanisms that function. And we ain’t cryin’ to our sugar daddy cause we fell and hurt our knee. Or that we have a hurt brain and need some of Daddy’s money to fix it!

So, go on your merry ways and go back to whatever maid diddling or bar hopping you guys do in your retirement (who else gets to retire at 35?). You are getting the NFL to play the patsy and you are cleaning them out for $765 million and getting away with it.

You yourselves know half the guys are making claims are faking it. Attorneys in every pro bowl city are swimming in circles salivating at this. Did you all hire your lawyers from those that have their ads on daytime TV saying they’ll help you hook and land a rich SOB, clean him out and gut him for all you can? I thought so!

There. That was enough for now.

Don’t you all feel better now? I sure do!

A recent poll taken by randomly selected sports fans from around the nation indicated that the game of soccer, where you try and kick a ball into a goal, is drawing near to being among some of America’s most popular sports.

“It’s definitely up there,” said one Chicago sports nut. “I mean, football is way better, and so is baseball, basketball, NASCAR, hockey, tennis, wrestling, and motocross, but after that, it’s probably a pretty close tie between soccer and golf. Continue Reading

Kids love to tell jokes in only two varieties; dumb and inappropriate. The one sadly falls into the “dumb” category, but hopefully redeems itself in the fourth act.

This is a fine example of why we shouldn’t leave jokes to children. Sure, they come up with the odd, random chuckle, but in the end, they really don’t know what they’re talking about.

And if this joke is any indication, they also have no command of a punch line.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

Brian is on temporary personal leave but has left us with an innumerous backlog of comics to share until his return. Check back for daily updates.

College Basketball is great, no two ways about it. It has as much competitive spirit as any sport, athletes who will be in the big time in no time, and everything else you’d want… except compensation. John Calipari, coach at the University of Kentucky, earns a cool $4 million dollar salary. This Wildcat took his team to the final four with his amazing team. The top paid player earned a grand total of $0 between salary and product endorsements, but he made up for it with hustle. Continue Reading

It is time to take the opportunity to take you folks in England (and you in Scotland and Ireland too for that matter) to task on this thing you call ‘European Football’ God only knows somebody needs to, so I’ll take this heavy responsibility on my shoulders.

The main gripe I have is this silliness that you dare to call football (you undoubtedly stole this name from our proud game). What a load of balderdash (I learned this word from watching British comedies). A bunch of guys running around in skivvies (this word too) in the middle of winter! It’s no wonder someone in your countries had to invent Fisherman’s Friend just to keep the poor boys going! Continue Reading

A few months before the start of the Super Bowl game a few years back I returned to the part of the country I am from and made the irritating discovery that everyone there had gone nuts.

Normally Wisconsinites are the most normal people you can get, excepting of course people from Madison who many suspect escaped from the space ship that crashed at Roswell. Wisconsinites are so normal that Norman Rockwell could have painted a whole series of works on them alone. Continue Reading

Donnie Dimaggio, a 27 year old Las Vegas bartender, has decided that despite having virtually no experience in the realm of combat sports, he’s totally ready for his first Mixed Martial Arts fight, which is scheduled for early next year.

Going into the 5-round bout, Donnie’s confidence level seems excessively high given his athletic background, which mainly consists of a season of J.V. high school football (which ended abruptly due to his poor academic performance) and several games of intramural ultimate-frisbee during his freshman year of community college.

Donnie has been visiting the gym off and on for the last 10 years, however his training has focused primarily on high repetitions of biceps curls, triceps extensions and a lot of standing around. Still, Donnie remains confident and has made it clear to many of his female co-workers that he’s “pumped” for his “shot at the title.” The fight he’s scheduled for is a non-ranking amateur bout and in no way involves a title of any kind.

I’m ready to grab the bull by the horns and skull fuck it into filet-mignon,” said Dimaggio, from the tanning bed he frequents year round, apparently unaware that his native Las Vegas is a subtropical cloudless desert.

Although Donnie lacks any formal fight training, sources (his bros) say that last Friday night he came very close to “brawling” with some “pussy ass faggot bitch” who “accidentally” shoulder-checked Donnie at a crowded casino nightclub bar. Apparently the PAFB then totally backed down once Donnie, egged on by his girlfriend, got all up in his face about it.

The PAFB reportedly offered to buy Donnie and his girlfriend a drink as a gesture of apology but Donnie continued to drunkenly berate the PAFB until bouncers forcibly escorted him and his girlfriend from the nightclub. Though the one-sided verbal altercation never escalated into a physical confrontation, it appears to have been quite a confidence booster for Donnie. And the next morning, still drunk, he signed up for his first sanctioned MMA fight.

In preparation, Donnie has recently been hitting a heavy bag in his parents’ garage for at least 20 minutes a day while chugging energy drinks and blaring dubstep on the custom speakers of his lifted F-350.

“You either have it or you don’t,” Donnie said, apparently not referring to the skills one acquires after many years preparing the body physically and mastering the submission techniques required to compete in MMA, instead, citing some personal, nebulous idea about what makes a fighter successful.

Donnie’s family members, although supportive, are somewhat skeptical of his recent enthusiasm for competition in MMA. It was reported that Donnie once received a gift certificate for a free month of Brazilian Jujitsu as a birthday present from his parents after he mentioned he was interested in learning a martial art.

His parents immediately encouraged their son to do something, anything, that involved any kind of long-term commitment or required any kind of self-discipline. However the gift certificate was never put to use and expired a year later.

“I couldn’t start Jujitsu because I was getting hella-ink done that year,” said Donnie, referring to the dragons that adorn each of his semi-muscular biceps. “But those pussy ass faggot bitches at that gym were lucky I didn’t walk in there and tap-out each one of them.”

The MMA fight, which is set for February 7th, near the dumpsters behind Mandalay Bay, will be Donnie’s first fight since a domestic dispute with his ex-fiancee. Donnie is hoping the fight will end in a knockout and not 300 hours of court-mandated community service.

Denver, CO—Denver Broncos’ Quarterback, Peyton Manning, revealed to reporters this evening that he didn’t have time to visit the polls today because he was too busy faking modest responses to numerous claims that he is the greatest QB of all time. Continue Reading