Cannabis Product Review & Resource Website Makes History with $1 Billion Internet Money Buyout Offer

(San Francisco, CA) — A recently launched review and community participation website has announced that fictional character Towelie, famous for his role on South Park, has raised enough virtual currency through online pimping services to invest his $1 Billion internet dollars in becoming the web’s next marijuana mogul.

Waiting for his payout at the Department of Internet Money (DIM), along side Star Wars Kid, Grumpy Cat, and Cute Sneezing Panda, Towelie said, “Yeah, with all these big names jumping into the business of weed, I figured I’d better get on board. Those back-alley deals I was doing in the old days just weren’t paying off. Maybe it was because of my crack addiction. I can’t remember.”

Towelie went on to say, “Since marijuana company valuations are mostly based on perception anyway, I don’t think being a cartoon character displaces me all that much from what’s really happening in the industry right now.”

Founded by Jennifer Martin, a 20-year industry veteran and cultivation expert from the California medical marijuana scene, is, in her words, “like the CNet of ganja gear, but with a more culturally appropriate interface”.

Site subscribers can remain anonymous and earn points for contributing product reviews or comments in the forum. Free goodies, like grinder cards or vaporizer pens, are then awarded or raffled off for reaching certain points thresholds. Essentially, it’s like Candy Crush or Reddit, except it actually exists and doesn’t suck.

Unlike their competitors, they don’t even charge retailers for their listings. Since california marijuana laws have changed, the industry has boomed for all of these sites.

Hypothetical DEA agent Bells Weatherman explained how they’re still in business. “The site does not review actual marijuana, but focuses on cultivation equipment, smoking tools, and health products.” Adding, “Even their plans to expand to reviews of hemp clothing and foods aren’t breaking any laws.

Martin joined forces with Towelie when the Green Rush started attracting investors who began throwing huge amounts of money into untested marijuana businesses, all of those people who saw the benefits.

“At first, I thought, ‘hey, this dude is just a towel. What can he possibly do for me?’ and then it dawned on me that his legitimacy was as real as many of the high-cap cannabis companies already being traded on US exchanges. We agreed that these guys were hyping up a lot of nothingness and successfully connecting it with cold hard cash, and we thought, ‘If you can’t wring ’em, join em’!'”

As soon as the DIM catches up on its backlog of payouts, Towelie will execute his purchase agreement for the company, and will keep Martin on board as CEO. “I know internet money can be somewhat unpredictable, kind of like Bitcoin, but if millions of people can believe that marginally valuable entities are extremely valuable, so can we,” she concludes.

Towelie, through his agent, only offered that he’s “Glad to be part of a green company. Doing my part and all, folks. Howdy ho!”

Author: Dexter Sinistri

Dexter Sinistri is a famously centrist writer who has worked as a Hollywood correspondent for a number of leading publications since 2005. Though once a photographer, Mr. Sinistri struck out as a writer on all things celebrity, and he likes to consider himself a tremendous asset to Glossy News, though by most accounts, he has fallen somewhat short of this effort.