MLB Commissioner Admits He’s “Never Watched Full [Baseball] Game”

NEW YORK – Bud Selig, Commissioner of Major League Baseball, admitted today to a stunned press conference that he has never before watched an entire game of baseball.

“It’s just so slow,” confessed the incumbent commissioner of now 22 years. “I keep trying but I always fall asleep around the 3rd or 4th inning.”

When asked how he has managed to function as acting commissioner for over two decades, the octogenarian told reporters, “Honestly, I just make it up as I go. I can’t even remember all the positions. There’s supposed to be one called ‘catcher’ but don’t they all catch the ball?”

No word yet on whom Selig is considering to take over as commissioner after his previously announced retirement following the end of the season. Selig: “I said that?”

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