Month: April 2014
MSNBC Host Enters Rehab for ‘Tingles’ and Slobbering Affection for President
(Palm Springs, CA) – After nearly six years of denial, MSNBC talk show host Chris Matthews, has finally checked himself into rehab due to the “tingles” he experiences whenever he sees, hears or meets President Barack Obama. Matthews has been…
Alanis Morissette, Sarah Jessic Paker in Horse Alliance Leaked
The biggest name in 90s femimusic has been linked with the biggest name in subsription-only television faux drama. Akabus Morissette and Sarah Jessica Parker have not only come out as lebians, but as equine-Canadiamericans at that. In an announcement that…
Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed
Charles and David Koch, best known for the purest grades of frack-water you drink and the mercury you breathe, have reportedly topped the $100 billion mark in net worth. Let’s break down how much money that really is. Clearly it’s…
Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police
Mesa, Arizona – Only days after the real Donovan McNabb was detained by local police enforcement, a six-foot cardboard cutout of the former NFL star continues to evade even the most physically fit officers. “I’ve never seen him move so…
Aretha Franklin Chills Satireverse
Damn. Those are some big mammies. We’re talking motor yacht and a snorkel. [SOURCE 1] and [SOURCE 2]. Some people just can’t take a joke… I don’t get this one. If anyone should feel slighted it’s LaBelle, who the article…
Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids
Parents of teenagers that were severely Jewed alive in the school tour bus crash in Los Angeles are now relieved from the good news that was delivered to them this week. The smarty-pant scientists confirmed this morning that the school…
Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet
It was a demise that many have seen coming for a long time. It is a tragedy whose full impact will not be noticed for a while to come. All things of great worth that are brought into this world…
Yeezus Punishes Kanye West for Taking His Own Name in Vain
Yeezus, master of all universes, creator of light and darkness which thrives upon us has blamed and punished the innocent Kanye West for criticizing him in a public ceremony after calling him a “no good, dirty piece of shit” and…
Pothole Filled: DeSean Jackson Gypped
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – In response to the demand of residents living on Broad Street in Center City, Mayor Michael Nutter has filled a giant pothole, while simultaneously taking a step forward in a city-wide effort to legalize marijuana. “Today, Philadelphia…
Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman
The ultimate traitor, Steven Colbert, has sold his soul and gone over to the dark side of the Force. In signing a deal with CBS, probably with a pinprick and a signature in blood, he has given up his proud…